April 26, 2008

Sleepless Thoughts: Waiting for Godot, He said he would come.

Before we start here are some little pieces of my mind
This is the first time I ever write something and think twice before posting it on my blog.
I can’t stop thinking that it was all about the stalker and when he learned that I have no relation with her now, he walked away as there is no use of me.
I am not that smart, but I am dump enough to do something to test if it was all about that thing. I can’t stop thinking that it was really all about it.

I have had troubles sleeping for a little more than a week now. I spend hours in bed trying to sleep, I suffer from different nightmares that ranges from cooking soup that turns to be insects to being lost in Alexandria trying to find my way in an old car driven by an old woman who can’t drive. I wake up early though. I struggle headaches all day and end up looping in a vicious circle of sleeping troubles. I even tried the old trick of reading a really boring book; Mars & Venus Starting over took its place back by my bedside. I never liked the book because I guess I am not ready to start over yet. To start over I have to acknowledge that something had come to an end. The book didn’t help, I couldn’t sleep and I started reading old magazines. Even the boring radio show failed to put me to sleep. I had the same ideas buzzing into my mind. I finally sleep when I am too tired to think to wake up in an hour suffocating from a dream.
Every time I put my head to rest to the pillow I remember him. I remember how this pillow was his shoulder for many nights. I remember the day he said the friend was never there. I remember how happy I was and how scared I felt. I was happy that I had the man, even for a day, and I was scared that this will eventually lead to the end. I didn’t want to lose him, and I still can’t afford losing him, neither the friend nor the man. It was the whole package from day one. He was the man, and he was the friend.
Every time I go to sleep I remember him, I remember his words that I saved deep into my heart
“The way I think of you is not a friend, to me you are this 'woman' that keeps me thinking all the time of what life could have become with her. A woman whom I can only dare to guess how pretty she is and imagine how soft her skin is next to mine how 'home' she feels if I were her man, and inside her. How majestic it would be to make love to a woman I’m fully and harmoniously atoned to. When I’m all by myself, I sit somewhere nice and quiet with nice music filling the air and allow my self to picture you in a totally different frame. And perhaps now you can imagine why I gave up my long afternoon walks thinking it's because I have a better, sweeter, prettier load of thoughts that have already sealed my mind heart and soul. You belong to no frame; you belong to a man's arms. A man who loves you, like me.”
Every time I go to sleep I remember his words and can’t stop thinking that he might have left me because of them.
I can’t sleep because I miss him, and when I miss him I remember when he said that he misses me in a way that scares him.
He’d withdrawn for a reason. He is keeping himself away for something that I can’t know. Was it something I said? Perhaps something I did? Did I push my limits? Did I wish too far? Did I demand too much?
It’s been two weeks of an official staying low attitude. He said he feels blue. I tried to cheer him up, but that never seemed to help. I gave him the space he asked for, but I needed the friend. I was lonely, trapped and I wanted to talk it over. I wanted to check on him. I wanted to know when he will be leaving. I felt that won’t fall under pushing my limits. He once promised me that he will always be there whenever I needed him. Was it a mistake to take his promise for real? He accused me of plotting plans to ruin his relation with her. He blamed me for calling. He said I should have never called. He said I have always picked the wrong times. It wasn’t supposed to be a wrong time. It was morning when he usually gets up. It was morning and she has a life unlike me. She has a job unlike me. How would I ever know she is off? Why would it ever be wrong to call a friend and check on him? I was worried, and yes I missed him. I really missed him in a way that never scared me.
He left and he didn’t call. He didn’t even drop me a line to reply on my mails. And finally he replied, “I am fine, don’t worry :)”. After two weeks of staying low all what he had to say is “I am fine”. He didn’t even care to add what about you to that cold line. He didn’t even care to give an explanation for his attitude.
He left me all alone in the dilemma of figuring out, if that behavior is anyway related to the old pull away when he acted the same only to find out he’s got engaged. And if it was the case, does this mean he is finally married? Does this mean that his first mistake wasn’t really a mistake? Does that mean he is deliberately doing this? Does this mean he is consciously compromising my trusting system again? Does this mean that I have done one more mistake? Does this mean that I am cornered in the very same old corner but with no right to object? Is he really gone again? Why? He didn’t give a reason when he left in the first time, and there is no reason for him to leave again?
What did I do wrong? Sameh said that I might get attached; did he use the wrong tense? Am I already attached? Why he asked me to never answer Sameh’s question? Why did he say his heart was beating? I thought he was scared. But our hearts beat of different reasons. Was he anxious? Happy? Angry? Lying?!!
He is haunting me. His words are haunting me. His smile is haunting me. His voice is haunting me. He’s even haunting me in my dreams. I can’t sleep. I am up all night waiting for my Godot as he promised to never leave.

Sleep well my love
Sleep knowing that there are people out there whom love
Sleep like an angel, like I always imagine thee
Sleep soundedly, and show the world what a peaceful face is.
Sleep and let me lie down on my bed, gazing up at nonety, but in deep thoughts about you.
Sleep well, my love.
P.S.
A special thank you goes for my friend Tamer. Thanks for inspiring the title.

4 comments:

Cesario said...

I think your giving it too much thought.
As for the sleeping thing, try chamomile tea.

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Cesario
Welcome to my world of too much thinking and little doing :)
I will try the chamomile

Thanks for passing by

my pixie's mommy said...

Dear Shimaa,

You are not giving it too much thought. For if they were thoughts you would be in control of them. But insead these "THOUGHTS" are in control of you ... to the point were your body is failing to preform one of it's simplest tasks : control your mind and shut it down to allow you to regenerate.

obsessions.... can fool us into thinking they are our allie, try and meditate .. find a mantra and repeat it over and over.. if your mind attempts to regain control as it will by no doubt do. do not fight it but observe it instead and then release the thought...Treat it as if you are floating above yourself...and release and center yourself. it wiil take some practice and some time.
As my little angel told me when he was only 2 years old... Mommy , LISTEN TO THE QUITE" so tune in.

A yogi I knew would repeat the words. " Sat Nam" meaning " truth is my identity" maybe you can use that.
Or if you'd rather find something that may resonate with you..say reapeat : el wahab: over and over untill the sound bite creates it's own flow..Think of the sufis and the Dervishes.

Be ware of the mind we are trained to follow it and taught to believe it is what elevates us above other animals..it may serve us well sometimes but too often it rapes our soul and distroys our intuition.
Learn to control it, quite it shut it down when your soul is in need of healing.. use it well but on your own terms.

I have to put my pixie to sleep ... but i will be back to check in on you. ;)
You will be fine Shimaa... trust time for it always heals if you allow it.


yours..
MPM

Shimaa Gamal said...

Dear MPM
I have news for you; I finally managed to sleep, for a good 9 hours straight :) seems that my body needed the recharge. The last thing I remember was reading your comment and wondering how did you spend you Shamo :). I have enjoyed mine, I hope you have enjoyed yours too.
Your words were really encouraging; it is good to know that someone out there knows how thoughts sometimes can be dominating. I guess my mind needs to be rebooted just like a pc. It needs a fresh start after flushing everything on the memory. Unlike pc’s it takes more than a click to do this re-boot. But eventually it will be done.
Thanks for your words.
Kisses for you pixie
Shimaa