This is an email that I sent to a friend of mine a week before quitting my job. I guess if any of my family ever read it, they would have understood many things. But as everyone else in my life, they never read.
Have you ever felt trapped, stuck in middle of no where, have you ever looked back to see that whatever happened to you had a pattern that goes from bad to worse, have you ever looked under your feet to find that you don't have ground under, have you ever looked forward to find nothing but vain? Have u ever been me?I have never felt worse, I can't find appreciation anywhere, even me, I can't even appreciate myself, so if I am of no use to the world, can I have a permission to die? Or may I just vanish, as if I never came to this life, can I be a plant, a fish, anything but me.I know I am wrong to wait for appreciation from anyone, but I just can’t, I feel so bad. I can't even find a shoulder to cry on.I am just a balloon. I don't even want to talk. I have nothing to say. I am so, so, so down, I am 100 kilometers under the ground or maybe they forgot me right inside the core.Why everyone is expecting me to adapt, or that I would simply keep hitting my head on the wall and that eventually I will manage to break the wall and maintain my head intact? Why I always have to be strong? And why I always have to manage, and why I can never have someone or something for granted?I have been saying that I can’t take more for long, when will anyone see the sign I am holding that I need support? I need help; I need things to go my way only once for a change, why I have to go the way others want, or the way things are?Am I asking for a miracle? Even if I am asking for one, don't I deserve one??
This family circle is getting tight, I am suffocating.