April 18, 2008

Pages From a torn diary – The break up letter

This is an email that I sent to a friend of mine a week before quitting my job. I guess if any of my family ever read it, they would have understood many things. But as everyone else in my life, they never read.

Good Morning
Have you ever felt trapped, stuck in middle of no where, have you ever looked back to see that whatever happened to you had a pattern that goes from bad to worse, have you ever looked under your feet to find that you don't have ground under, have you ever looked forward to find nothing but vain? Have u ever been me?I have never felt worse, I can't find appreciation anywhere, even me, I can't even appreciate myself, so if I am of no use to the world, can I have a permission to die? Or may I just vanish, as if I never came to this life, can I be a plant, a fish, anything but me.I know I am wrong to wait for appreciation from anyone, but I just can’t, I feel so bad. I can't even find a shoulder to cry on.I am just a balloon. I don't even want to talk. I have nothing to say. I am so, so, so down, I am 100 kilometers under the ground or maybe they forgot me right inside the core.Why everyone is expecting me to adapt, or that I would simply keep hitting my head on the wall and that eventually I will manage to break the wall and maintain my head intact? Why I always have to be strong? And why I always have to manage, and why I can never have someone or something for granted?I have been saying that I can’t take more for long, when will anyone see the sign I am holding that I need support? I need help; I need things to go my way only once for a change, why I have to go the way others want, or the way things are?Am I asking for a miracle? Even if I am asking for one, don't I deserve one??


P.S.
This family circle is getting tight, I am suffocating.

3 comments:

Amre El-Abyad said...

I just loved reading your piece. you are running blogs that are both useful and interesting. However, I totally disagree with you regarding the Iranian threat ( I read your analysis on the other blog).

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Amre
Thanks for passing by. So tell me your opinion about the Iranian threat. I am always open for opinions and suggestions :)

Thank you so much for you sweet words.
I will be waiting for your opinions

Shimaa

Amre El-Abyad said...

Hello Shimaa,

Well I suggest that you read my last 4 posts where I set out in detail the Iranian catastrophic role in the regio.

Anyway I will try to brief you on my view.

First, we have to understand who we are; and that is that we are Arabs and nothing else. Arabism is culture and civilisation that is the integral sum of the "semitic" ancient near east. Much as I think that genetic studies are inaacurate and outdated, they, however all refer to the prominence of certain genetic types in Egypt that are claimed to be Arabic ( I have many reservations on this) secondly, Romans Greeks and turks are ethnically very diffrent from the ancient Egyptian types. Moreover they always took the form of military presence and not a massive immigrations and a merge of culture leading ( who were basically a big mix within the bigger Afro-Asiatic group with a prominence of the semtic portion of it). For example the desert beduin ( al3raab are the closest ethnically to the Egyptian farmer)

A historical context is necessary to elaborate the point.The region propers and reached peaks when the indigenous Arabic people are freed from foreign domination. Politcal stabilty and ethnic freedom is prerequisite for progress.

Throughout our entire history the entire region was left ion the backburner during two eras: the mongol rule of the Ottomans and the Greco-Roman colonialism.

At the present we are stuck in a mode of production that is specific to the Arab world where the dynamics of culture and movement of history is structurally different from oriental ones in China India and Iran on the one side and the western civilisaion on the other.

In this historical period we need to regain our confidence and free the massess from adverse concussions historical accumulations that are rendering us incapable of "innvating" leaving us with only two routes to follow: mimicking western global ways, despite of the fact that we are not healthy enough to integrate in a way that preserves out dignity and freedom and consequantly our material and economic propsperity. The second model is the Retrograde Wahabi one or the malicious Iranian divisive regressive sectarian model in which Perisna nationalism is embedded and no need to mention that the Integration of Israel and Iran iunto the region is dependent on the dilution of the Arab identity and dissecting the region along sectarian and religous line creating weak impotent statelets revolving around Israel-U.S and Iranian central powers.

In order to resuurect our briliant thousands of years old civilsation, we need strict top down reforms imposed by an Iron fist that would cultrually change the masses. Therefore I would venture to say that blend of Nasserism ands Saddamism is what we need, althou I , still, fully acknolwedge the tragic and fatal mistakes those two projects committed