On the closed closet ...

Remember Brad? I have been thinking about him lately. I think he is the worst man I have ever met in my whole life. It doesn’t mean my other men are better men.

But thinking about how it was played now, that guy had one intention from the very 1^st moment he knew me. He decided to break my heart.

1^st he played friends, then he said he wants it to be a date. Then he didn’t stop at a one date thing, he followed through. Then he disappeared and I found out from facebook he got engaged. He got engaged in the time he used to tell me he isn’t ready for commitment. He got engaged to a hijabi in the time he used to complain about my hijab. He got married, while he sold himself as the non marrying type.

That guy, met me, dated me, showed interest and feelings that you call can find evidence of in the blog with one intention, breaking my heart.

I can’t find any other reason.

He at times, intentionally deceived me. I, at times, intentionally ignored all the signs and warnings.

I was wrong, but that doesn’t make him right.

I have been going through all my relationships. All the men I dated, all the men I loved, all the men who crossed paths with me … I have been in a tour in the gallery of my broken hearts and I realized that each and every one of them knew me with only one intention. Breaking me …

I remember Mohamed’s last words in the night he broke up with me. I was hysterically sobbing and I could barely hold myself and he dared to look me in the eyes and say. “Shimaa you are strong, you will be fine, my mom and my cousin aren’t”.

I don’t know why exactly all of them got to that conclusion. That it is ok to break my heart.

I don’t know why exactly they all believed that I will be fine.

I don’t know why “breaking me” is so tempting.

They had fun. I am a nice company. I go the extra mile in a relationship. I try understand all the men issues. I play it cool.

I am well educated, I am sarcastic and I am a good friend.

I was kind to each and every one of them

And they did nothing but ruthlessly breaking my heart.

They intentionally broke my heart because I am strong and I will be fine.

Guess what … I am not fine.

Not anymore …