Sameh thinks that I need to learn how to be happy. He might be right. Yet, I think I know how to be happy. It is just I am way too depressed; happiness has become a burden of its own.
Ok .. let’s take it slow.
I am sad. I am disappointed. I was happy earlier this year! I was too happy that I even blogged about it.
But now I am not.
I am sad. I am disappointed. I feel like a failure. I feel worthless. And all what I could think of is death. Maybe I should die and let go of all these feelings.
I also feel guilty for feeling sad. I seem to ruin everyone’s merriness.
I feel guilty because my feelings mean that I have lost my faith. And truth is, maybe I did.
I seriously find no point in anything.
I have been crying since I woke up this morning and I don’t seem to be able to stop.
I have no future. I am done covering up my failure with big words.
I am a total failure. A life unworthy of living.
But isn’t it unfair that I can’t live?
I’ve been trying. So hard … I have done my best.
But my best was never enough.
I am never enough.
I don’t need reminders that I have a life that lots will wish to have. I don’t need reminders of how much I am blessed.
I know, and I feel guilty enough.
Enough reminding me of how much a brat I could be because I am not.
I am sad, disappointed and tired.