January 28, 2010

S.G. misses her ex

I had a bad day. It wasn’t my first and it won’t be my last. I am afraid to sound too cynical if I said it was just a bad day preceded by 30 bad years. But it was a bad day. I went to the dentist and things weren’t that good. Another tooth needed an endodontic treatment and this wasn’t really what made the day bad. I laid there on the dreadful chair for 2 hours, while he kept trying to get to a hidden nerve. The one that made me shiver every time he got close to it. To be accurate not just shiver, the pain was too intense it resembled being electrically shocked. He went deep and there was lots of blood. And because the 1st and large anesthetic shot wasn’t enough he had to give me another two. One of them in the canal itself (injection sites are still sore after 2 days!). It was torture at best. And to top it he told me that the ulcers I am having in my mouth aren’t really a dental problem. They are stress related. He paused and said in a hinting tone “it is psychological”.

Let’s just say that my dentist visit was intense. And if I weren’t 30 years old I would have cried my heart out of pain and loneliness. But because I am wiser I thought of giving a friend a call. And because it was a bad day my friend didn’t answer.

So, I did what I usually do. I sent a message to my other best friend regardless I knew he won’t be able to sympathize with me instantly and though what I needed at that moment was a two sided conversation.( what I really needed was a hug and someone who makes tomorrow sound as a promise). Nothing is worse than sending a message while not sure if you will ever get back a reply in time. A reply is always appreciated but it is just the timing that makes all the difference. One sided conversations are on the top of the list of the things that make me emotionally drained.

So, I swallowed as much pain killers I could, I took my antibiotic and I ate regardless I wasn’t really supposed to do. I tucked myself into bed after losing hope that my friend will call me back or contact me in anyway.

It wasn’t the first time to have a bad day and it wasn’t the first time to get to bed feeling like that. I would usually text him, my friend, in the middle of the night to tell him whatever silly thought is keeping me off sleeping. Yet recently this wasn’t enough anymore basically because my friend became more unavailable. He is more silent and he is always busy. Something changed and I would have gone further explaining what changed, or why. But he is reading this. And if I wanted to talk about that change I would have told him. But seriously talking won’t make it any better. It will make it worse because he thinks I complicate things with my obsession about details. And he thinks that I am fighting for exclusivity, which I can’t deny, but he thinks that exclusivity is a new ground that I want to conquer in the time I am just fighting back for something that I had and lost. Big difference!

Anyway, it was a cold night. And cold nights aren’t really my favorites. A cold night makes me feel like a frozen chicken. Not only I am dead, but I am freezing inside out. I was fighting the toothache, the frozen chicken feeling, loneliness and many feelings that I can’t mention when it hit me. I miss my ex.

And the ex here isn’t the infamous HH. This blog is full of posts about HH and posts about Brad, I wouldn’t really call Brad an ex but he once counted himself among my ex’s so he is (and I am writing this because I know he is reading this too so just in case he decided to deny he is an ex), but I barely talked about the only near decent relationship I ever had.

Sometimes I am really surprised that the reason I created this blog in the 1st place was to communicate my feelings after that relationship. And I ended up talking about everything else. Maybe it is denial, or maybe it is just my way to move on. I gathered all the memories, good & bad, and put them in a box and threw the box away. If anyone asked me about him I would say that I don’t remember which isn’t true. I remember enough to make me not remember.

I remember how it ended. I remember that I saw it coming and I couldn’t stop it. I remember being all alone in it. Because that relationship was a mistake that everyone warned me about. And when it went bad everyone pulled the “I have told you so” card. It ended badly because of things none on this earth know but me and him. Broken is a light term to describe my state at that time.

I remember how good it was enough not to want to remember it. I remember every single detail. I remember how hard I had to fight to get him back in my life. I remember how crazy I have gone. I remember how harsh I was just to settle my scores. I remember the last thing he said after the “bitch” made sure he sipped from the same glass he made me drank. He said that I never loved anyone but myself. He was in pain, and I was satisfied. He hung up that day saying that when I need him I know where to find him. And he knows that I will never call. And he was right I was too proud to call back. I made sure he believed that I moved on and that I am in love with someone else. I made sure to make him feel that I have chosen someone over him. Because that was exactly what he’d done to me. It was fair and square and the box was closed and thrown away. And I didn’t feel that I miss him.

That process would have failed if I didn’t have that friend in my life. I met that friend a couple of weeks after that breakup. I was suicidal. I did nothing but crying, praying and plotting plans. There are much details into it that I can’t let out yet. It is all in the box. But I wouldn’t have been able to throw that box away if I didn’t have that friend in my life.

And now, as I feel the weight of his withdrawal more and more it is all coming back to me. For the surprise I discovered what I was doing before having him. I was in love, crazily in love. And my ex was the person who listened to the crazy thoughts in the middle of the night. My ex was the person I bugged, my ex was the person who kept me company, and my ex was my happy thought. And when he was gone, my friend gave me better support. He saw me through the process of being a person after being wreckage.

And now I had a bad day and I ended up missing my ex. The pain isn't numbed anymore and apparently I am not a whole person as I thought I was. I am just wreckage waiting for a good blow of wind to be scattered everywhere. I feel the wind and there is no shelter.


deppy said...

OMG shaimaa, it's like am reading the story of my life specially "the box" part, and lots of other parts(ena alah 7alem satar ba2a :D).

I'm sorry babe that you're feeling this way, I know it's tough, and I wish there was an answer or solutions(or may be there is but not that I'm aware of).

I know the last thing you wanna hear is this crappy pep talk but this is all I have to offer :(

w ya rab ye3wdek 7'er inshalah :)

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Deppy :)
It was an emotional charge that needed to be let out. You know when you feel too much pressure and a scream is your only out.

Thank you so much for you sweet words and the prayer.

I have been trying to figure out something to inspire you to dream. bas mesh la2ya :) I am in the same corner with you. I stopped dreaming, I feel that I did most of the things people want to do and whatever left is really irrelative.

So, I am thinking for both of us now :)

have a great day sweetie

deppy said...

I wish you're better now :) shaklena han7tag stress management program :D maybe this would bring back dreams, no?

w inshalah everything gonna be ok, am sure of that :)

Noly said...

Hello girls :),

1) a2lf salama 3laky ya Shi :),wish you speedy recovery soon ISA :).

2) Same her 3ala fekra :(,unfort. I'm joining your club. I just cannot stop thinking about him, about our memories,dreams and our future plans together. I really wish I can have a delete button to press on it and just forget about it all. bas ahy mashya,ah msh zay el a2wl full of happiness,love and hope yet I think en aked rabena aked haye3ml lena ely nefsena feh w yefara7na tany zay zman w aktar m3a el 7ad ely fe3lan yestahel and take all these bad feeling's away !

rabena ye3ml leko kol 5ar ISA w yefra7 albko bly nfsko fh :).

Shimaa Gamal said...

Noly ya Noly

mesh hatro7y ma3rad el ketab? :)

My teeth are better el hamdullah, only 2 to go. Hopefully :)

So, what triggered your missing? What makes you miss him?

Noly said...

Shi ya Shi :)

1) ana fy ma3rad el ketab kol yom :D, waiting for you :).

2)el hamd lelah ISA msh tet3ebk tany :).

3)What trigged my missing somehow is remembering the bad stuff he used to do with me bas lesa I miss him sa3at. What makes me miss him is missing the company, miss having someone who is always there for you aw ya3ny feeling that you are really important or simply the life for this person, missing everything we used to love and make together. Simply I hate loneliness.
bas arg3 w a2ol tany el hamd lelah aked rabena chose for me the best choice coz this relationship was sooner or later going to end!

deppy said...

Yes Nolly you're right about what allah has chosen for you :), nobody will ever know what is yet to come :)

And sure you gonna miss the company, it's not about the person, l 3ezwa kowyesa :D, dont be too hard on yourself cause you gonna find this "3ezwa" again and better inshalah :)

Noly said...

Thanks Deppy, bgd Thank you for your nice comment and kind support :).

And sure nobody knows what is yet to come,that's why I'm still waiting and have hopes :).

Nice to know you BTW :).

deppy said...

You welcome Nolly, Thanks to shimaa :)
and nice to know you too :)

Anonymous said...

Shimaa, I don't know how you're going to take this, but if the world was different and not full of 'reality' and 'rules' .. I would have given you a baby brother hug. Or wait, even if the world was so full of reality and rules, screw them - I would still give you a baby brother hug.

Your post made me think for a week, not to mention injected a double dose of fear into my already saturated system.

Anyway, I don't have anything to say. I'm young. I'm immature and even sometimes crazy and rebellious, but I don't care anymore about anything.

And I've been feeling like crap lately. I hate to wake up. But I still care for my friends.


I searched your archive for my first comment here, I hope it can make you smile again, because it made me smile, again. Here it is:

I spotted your comments on Gjoez posts and FB status msgs, and how active you are, and I thought I should pay your space a visit.

Ok, your blog, is colorful, and from your posts, and your circle of friends, I definitely can say you're a lovely person.

One thing about being gloomy and depressed, is that it usually is temporary, because if it's not, earth wouldn't have made it that long.

I urge you to cheer up, embrace the good you have, accept the world as it is, because it's your world at the end.

I just have one note, about marriage and being single, I really think it's not overrated, actually I pretty much believe that's the very reason why most of us have bad times, because logically, if we weren't single, we won't have dull moments as these, and if we did, they'd be of a different flavor.

I'm glad I dropped by,

just cheer up, don't miss the spring :)

I will follow the feed :)

And then you said:
Hello Ibhog
I am really flattered. And I am so happy that you thought this space worth visiting based on the few comments I leave on gjoe's blog. As for the facebook comments, these days I think the facebook is the only sign I am not brain dead yet :))) Commenting on interesting statuses is my new favorite activity :) And I wouldn't have such an activity without the bunch of really interesting persons like gjoe.

Well, now I am so cheered up :) I enjoyed a beautiful spring day with lots of "renga" ;) I hope you enjoyed you snack away from the smell ;)
And yes, the best thing about being gloomy is that it is temporary. And it is sort of necessary to feel down sometimes to really appreciate the blessing we have.
As for marriage, sometimes I think that maybe be if I was happily coupled with someone things wouldn't have been the same. Then I rememeber that loneliness isn't in numbers. And I ask myself one question what if I am still feeling the same sourness after getting married. What if I felt lonely sleeping in the warm bed I thought is the answer? And everytime this thought crosses my mind I get to the same conclusion. Marriage is overrated, and so is alone-ness. It is not the end of the world to be single and it is not the answer to every question to be married.

Thank you for visiting, commenting and following the feed. And thank you for the big smile you draw on my face by "I definitely can say you're a lovely person."

Good night

I'm not sure if my comment was right back then, because frankly I'm not sure of anything anymore.

I just want you to feel better. Please.

And Shimaa ..

.. I'm still following the feed.

(if this comment was rather a rant - an 7orr fe my sister's blog)

yalla smile ba2a!

Shimaa Gamal said...

Ibraheem, my dear brother.
Do you know that you have a way of drawing a smile on my face. Your words always touch a place in my heart.
And in a perfect world I would have been showering you now with yummy food to make you feel better.

You might be young but you are not immature. We all are immature in a way because there is no one who could claim he had experienced everything in life. As long as we breathe there is yet a lot of things to learn. And a lot of days to hurt us and a lot of people to make things right or at least do their best to fix what life screwed.

The hug helped :) I really needed it. And here is a BIIIIGGGGG elder sister hug for you.

Thank you, you don't know how much your words came in time.

Kristyna said...

I cant stop myself from writing "you have no idea of how deep i can feel this story"... I have an ex I miss also... but i decided not to let him know about that anymore. Lets keep fingers cross :)

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Kristyna

Keep holding on :) Don't give in and let him know. I believe he didn't get the "ex" title for nothing ;)

I am following your blogs, keep posting please :)

Kristyna said...

Sa7 keda... Im trying my best not to let him know :) Keeping my mind busy with tasks is the best trick :D

Glad to know you like my blog as well :D I will post something soon ;)

LiL^OrioN said...

Am i too late for this? I felt the same way about a month back. I was missing him alot becos he was always there for me. But at the same time i have so much hatred for him. Why do i miss someone i hate? What made it worst was that he was getting married. But i guess God opened my eyes and reminded me that i was engaged. I counted my blessings and i am so grateful i have a fiance who is 1 million times better than the ex. Oh shimaa.. Don't miss him. It was so sad reading ur blog to hear u so down. Hope u're doing fine now. *hugz*