Where should I begin?
I am not feeling ok. I am not emotionally stable. And I can't remember if I ever felt the same way before in my whole life.
I am not feeling ok. And I don't really have the courage to talk it out to anyone. 1st no one would care, and the last thing I want now is to deal with cliches. 2nd, I have lost a lot of my ability to confront. I don't want the people involved in my current status to know about how I feel, or how they make me feel. Hence I can't even blog my feelings as I have always done. Because maybe someone who doesn't care will pull a cliche after accidentally reading the post or worse, someone who has failed me get to learn the mess I feel which will create a bigger mess.
So, what would a smart girl do?
Eating, spending and watching movies.
Today was slightly heavier than the regular heavy days, so I pulled out "band of brothers" from my hat of tricks. I usually watch band of brothers when I need a push to keep fighting or to be more accurate when I need a push to keep breathing.
As I watched, and though I know every scene by heart, it was the 1st time for me to notice the bayonets.
Bayonets are knives that can be fixed on your weapon. While fixed, you can't shoot straight with your gun yet in critical battles, when the chances you get out powered are high you fix your bayonet on your weapon as a last resort.
There was a scene at a crossroad. And the Captain told his soldiers to fix their bayonets. It was a critical fight, they were out-numbered, and out-powered. Accuracy of the shots weren't a priority, taking as much enemies down was.
They were lucky, they didn't lose the battle yet you can't say they won it. They lost a man and 22 others were wounded. And that was a favorable outcome.
They were trapped, they fixed the bayonets and fought as much as they could till they were out of that trap.
I am trapped. I am in a dimmed place. I can't say it is dark because there is light. But it is a very faint light, it is creating more illusions than it is showing me the way.
I am trapped in a dimmed place. And I think I should fix my bayonet.
Who knows, maybe I will be lucky!