September 18, 2007

Note to self

From: the woman
Location: the big black box in the deep dark sea
Subject: a little piece of advice

My dearest of all

I know that you are experiencing episodes of self blame. I know that you wonder if regret is the best action for the time being. I know that you have lost your faith in me along with your faith in many things. I know that words like trust and intelligence sounds out of your world. I know that you have run out of defensive tricks. I know that you are tired of the sweet talk, the blame talk, the play talk and all kind of talk. I know you wish to join me in my deep dark sea; I know that you might seek safety behind the thick walls of the big black box.
But my dear, the only safe place is within you. Your first and last line of defense is you. You should lose trust in everyone but you. Have no faith in anything but you.
You have all the right to think of regret but never do. As you have not failed, it was just another way that didn’t work.
I know I have failed you, I know you have trusted my instinct. I know I have misled you by my arrogance. I know I should have been more alerted. I should have warned you that may be the other woman is alive. I should have directed you to investigate other threads, not only the stalker’s. I should have listened to you when you said that he is too smart for us to play with. I should have trusted your judgment, I should have acknowledged his experience the same way you did. I should have let you listen to your friends. I shouldn’t have let my arrogance lead. I should have seen the trick.
Don’t blame yourself for my mistakes. Don’t blame yourself for some silly woman’s instinct failure. Don’t blame yourself for my arrogance. Don’t blame yourself for missing the signs I didn’t give. And don’t blame yourself for your curiosity. You deserve to know. I deserve to know that I have messed up a lot. You deserve to put the pieces of the puzzle together. You deserve to know why he didn’t call when you waited for his call. You deserve to know why he woke you up for breakfast instead of decently planning something ahead. You deserve to know what kept him busy. You deserve an answer for every question you asked. You deserve an answer for every question you will ever ask.

My dear, don’t blame yourself for my mistakes, don’t regret your decisions. Never regret a decision. Everything happens for the best.

Sincerely yours
The woman inside, currently living in the big black box in the deep dark sea.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dear Sweet Child O'Mine,

From the deep dark sea I hail you. I'm spending the last breath I have in frail attempt to join you voice. The woice of the woman I admired. The woman that almost swept me off my strong steady legs. Do you recognise my voice? Do you recognise my words? The words of someone you once labeled a poet. Do you see my resoning? The reasoning of a man you once looked upon as an Engineer...

Now this man is a cliché....speaking of which, French is also something thrown awy in this box.

Now my dear sweet child, and from the very top of my lungs, I squeeze out my throat and choke my own voice, sparing you my last breath, telling you faintly from behind the thick walls of the box that I'm but a piece of be sunk down the vast deep dark ocean...and to be lost forever, like a undoing an evil cast. Like driving a wooden stake through the heart of a Nosferatu, or shooting a werewolf with silver bullets.

Let your faith be thy wooden stake, and my your most noble qualities be the silver bullets...for the monstrous creature is now being torn apart. Exploded. Burnt into ashes through the inferno of your honesty.

Let me die, dissapear, sunk down deep, as I pray by the light of moonlight silvering the dark sea horizon.

Let my ashes rot down the deepest pits of Hedes, as that very box hits the God-forsaken sea bed, and may it stay there, un-noticed by time.