September 14, 2007

Episodes of Loneliness - (1) Boredom

I am a moody person, I move in waves. Sometimes I am high, sometimes I am down but I am always bored. i am bored when I am happy, I am bored when I am sad, I am bored when I am enjoying my time, and I am bored when I am bored. I always scream that I am bored without a specific reason to cause that boredom. The vacation was amazing and yet I wanted to come back home to escape my boredom, and when I got back home I found out that I didn’t lose that feeling of boredom. I am even more bored writing these lines right now.
I know the answers for all the questions lay deep inside us so here I am trying to figure out the reason for my endless boredom.
If boredom is a mere reflection for anger so what is causing that anger. What am I angry from? Why I am angry?
Am I angry from myself? Am I angry from my family? Am I angry from my friends? Am I angry from my subsequent lovers? Am I angry from the community? Am I angry from the whole world?
Actually I can’t find a suitable answer; I am a girl who has it all. I have a wonderful family, a bunch of good friends; and the community puts me up the social staircase. So that leaves me with myself. Why am I angry from me?
I am angry because of my successive failures, my persistence to re-try each time I fail, I am angry because I never lose hope. I am angry because something inside me always believes that things will eventually go my way. I am angry because of the circles I move in. I am always starting from square zero and I am always ending there. I am angry because I am static in a moving world.
I am angry because I have to go with different faces, a face for the family, a face for the lovers, a face for the friends, a face for work and a face for fights. I am angry because I don’t know who I am anymore. Am I the girl or the woman? Am I the angel or the devil? Am I am the boss or I am just being bossed all the time?
I am angry because I do the things that I have to do and no one cares about what I want to do. I am angry because the things I want to do are out of reach. I am angry because others have to decide what I am going to have. I am angry because I just can’t keep working while everyone is cheering. I am angry because I can’t keep giving while everyone is happy receiving. I am angry because I really need to see things going my way for a change. I need to go to bed taking something or someone for granted. I am angry because for me life is marked as unsafe zone.
I am just angry and I can’t find a way out of that anger. I am bored of all this anger. I am bored of being myself. I am bored, simply bored.


Anonymous said...

Dear Shimaa,

Remember: "Unhorizoned Confidence" is your ultimate asset, the rest of what you labelled as 'fine departments' come as a bonus package.

Take it from a man who has sailed the vast oceans of women, and has maritime routes named after him.


Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

آفه تقتل فى النفس كل الافكار الخضراء اليانعه، وبراعم البهجة بالنعم التى تحيطنا

ماذا عساى ان اقول... احس بغضبك لانه غضبى

ولكن اعرف كيف احارب... فهل تعرفين؟
بسيف من شموس ذهبية وفضية سوف تقهرين ظلام الغضب... فقط افتحى النوافذ وانظرى عاليا