The Nothings in my Mind

I have a problem, I am a very sensitive person but I am a bit discreet about this fact. I get affected easily. Words get through me. I take criticism seriously even if it was just a joke. Let me re-phrase this, I am paranoid. I’d consider many things criticism and I don’t like to be criticized. At least not from people I consider strangers, or people who put me in an unplanned competition. One more thing about me, I am a competitive person. I love competition but I never loved my competitors till I am sure I have beaten them. And then my love to them isn’t really love it is just another form of pity.

So, to cut that long story short, I have issues, confidence issues. So, when someone says that I am shallow because I couldn’t be inspired by something he thought inspirational this would have a bad effect on me that could last for years. And when someone who doesn’t really know me casually says that I use big words and impose too much philosophy on things, this too will pull me down.

And regardless how I would really love to elaborate on this very incident, when I was mocked for using “big words”, that made me feel more “lesser” but I won’t. Partially because dignifying this with elaboration would make me feel more “lesser”!

My point is I am a really sensitive person, I get hurt easily and only people who lived close to me would know this. Others would always think that it is ok to hurt me because I am strong enough to take it.

So, my “HH” thinks I am in love. He said that I have changed, and that I am not the “Shimaa” he knows. He said I am still the same in many things but something has changed in me. Other than that shine that I have lost. He got used to me without the shine. It is something more. And he thinks that I might be in love and unaware of it. He knows me good enough to know that my heart can’t beat without having a picture of someone in it. He knows me enough and it is relieving sometimes. I mean it is annoying most of the times because this knowledge made him find a way to trick me many times. But it is relieving to talk with someone who just knows how to bring up conversation. He even said that he was talking with one of my ex crushes and that my ex crush asked about me. Honestly I don’t believe it happened but HH was nice enough to swear it did and that even my ex crush said that he liked me a lot and that he thinks I am really smart.
Another good thing about HH is that he usually would call me smart, pretty and sexy in the same sentence.

Anyway, it was really nice of him mentioning that my ex crush liked me because seriously I liked that guy a lot.

Speaking of conversations, I have been having troubles keeping conversations going. I use the weather talk a lot these days and with everyone. I keep talking and talking about the weather. It is interesting sometimes and it is a nice ice breaker but seriously I have better things to say. But I just keep sticking to the weather. As if I want to hide something. But really most of the time the reason behind the elongated weather talk is the fact that I don’t think whatever I have to say is interesting enough. And that sometimes all what I really need is a silent conversation, or to just listen. I don’t feel like saying things, I want to talk but stay silent. And it is really tricky, so the weather is just fine.

And as we got to weather, I really hate winter. I am not a winter person. I hate the long nights and the really short days. I hate cloudy skies. I hate waking up to the state of over cast, which is really rare in Cairo but it happens. If I was to decide, I would have stayed all winter in bed covered with a heavy blanket and be the 1st hibernating human.

Regardless how much I love the sunny winter days, rain, boots, and lentil soup I still hate winter and I deeply pray it ends NOW!

I want winter to end because I know that my current mood is directly related to it. I can’t say that I am feeling lonely; I just feel that I have lost too many competitions. Remember as I said before I am a competitive person yet I don’t just compete with everyone on everything. I wisely choose the competitions but recently I have noticed that I am losing my least favored form of competition, comparisons.

Comparison is just a competition that has no defined rules. The one who compares is the one who sets the rules, and you don’t get to decide if you are up to it or not. You may or may not be chosen to be compared. Sometimes you are the benchmark for the comparison, which is a success! And sometimes you are overridden because that person thinks you are way out of the league. You don’t get to decide either ways; you don’t even know that you have been in a competition till it is over. Sometimes you don’t get to know this fact until too late and in most of the times you can’t make it up. When you lose a comparison someone else was chosen for being better than you. You can beat someone who is good or even perfect but you can’t beat the “better” because you are simply “lesser” in a way.

The thing with comparison is that it is all about what people think. I am the type of person who doesn’t really care about people but let’s get real. People matter, at least some of them do. Because the way they view us is part of who we are. That’s why comparisons are my least favored form of competition, because I don’t get to only hate my competitors but also myself because sometimes I can’t beat the “lesser” in me.

So Long Fair Play

These are the videos of what happened to the Egyptian fans in Sudan.

I am a hardcore football fan. I am used to the fact that sometimes things get hot and people get violent. But this is not violence. This is organized crime.

Egyptians were attacked after they lost the match, I wonder what would have happened if they won.

Egyptian companies in Algeria are being attacked, and Egyptians are being held hostages.

Algerian media are spreading rumors that an Algerian fan was killed in Egypt but they have troubles showing the dead body, because there are no dead bodies. An Egyptian fan lost an eye. Algerians did it.

So long for FIFA fair play.

La Révolution en Rouge

With each century turn Egypt passed through a dramatic change. To a reader we might seem to be a stagnant nation with more than 7000 years living in the same narrow valley. Some optimists might call us patient; some pessimists will always call us lazy. But the truth is, Egypt is accustomed to change.


Unlike what most of the students history books try to teach the young Egyptians, to sustain life for thousands of years change is your only way. Adaptation is nothing but change. Mutations were the way many of the earth’s inhabitants used to reserve their place in this life.
And Egypt has gone through many small and big mutations that made “her” the country we live in now.


These very mutations left Egypt for many of us, the Egyptians, a strange entity.
Such strange that, probably, 20 years from now a history teacher would sit to tell his students how it felt to be part of the 21st century mutation.
He would sit and tell his students that things were bad, or maybe weren’t as bad but lots of voices were so fed up. Accidents happened, people died. It weren’t just accidents it were incidents of clear lack of governance. Economy left the poor poorer and made the rich richer. Egos were being smashed and nothing seemed to make the Egyptians feel like Egyptians. True patriots lost faith and those who still loved it were called romantic fools.
It was time, when only the little things made people recognize the mutant. It is the same Nile and the same smile. It must be Egypt in disguise!

He would tell them that no one paid attention to how things started. But the one thing no one would miss is that day all Egyptians wore red to cheer for their football national team playing against Algeria to qualify to the FIFA world cup.

He will refer to a page in a book, or maybe an e-book, that tells the details of the crucial role facebook groups played to prepare the masses for that day. The page will tell, that even those who had no access to facebook and knew nothing about internet still got the information because those on what so called specialized sport satellite channels had nothing to do but putting fanatics in the spot light. And in no time, everyone became a fanatic too. Only fanatics were counted as true Egyptians. Those who looked at the match as only a game were condemned.


He may recommend an extra-curriculum reading that would tell that it was business that created the stress. It was a pure business decision for all the multi-million dollars corporations playing in the Egyptian playground to invest on the only left patriotic feeling. It was a mere business decision for everyone to do his best to take the biggest he can from the cake. It was a mere business decision that made every poet, composer and singer creates a piece of art to cheer for Egypt.


I can see now an eager student asking his teacher, “What happened?” And the answer would be “Abo Treika missed”.


The whole 80 million Egyptians did nothing but watching that match. There were huge preparations to secure the stadium. Violence was expected either ways. That’s what happens when you put someone under extreme pressure. And in that case, people were put under the extreme pressure of believing that nothing is good about this country but the football team. And nothing would prove that there will be hope but that one in a million chance to win this match and qualify to the finals.


Violence was expected because this is what masses usually do, so imagine what stressed masses would.
But what wasn’t expected that all those who wore red would go out in streets singing one name “Egypt”.


They had many chances to go, to rebel, or just say no. They had many chances to stop the ugly mutation from taking place, they had many chances to be part of a useful mutation that would have made Egypt a better place for you and me but instead they chose not to do. They chose not to vote, not to act, not to be useful. They only made facebook movements, wrote blogs and supported everything but Egypt.

They hated the only place they could ever call home, never worked for it and waited for 11 players and a coach to run after a ball for 90 minutes and bring them fake glory to ease their aching consciences.


He will look to his students and tell them that he doesn’t know who fired the 1st bullet. All what he knows that that revolution in 2009 was called the “red revolution” not because of the amount of blood that were shed in the streets but because the Egyptian football team wears red!

Just a Thought

It is unfair to think that nobody cares, because there is always someone who does. It is just that we usually think that nobody cares when we want certain persons to care while knowing they never will.


This can’t be changed, and this can’t be called unfair. Even if it might at first seem as slightly unfair to care as much without having any care back, yet the way out is always easy.


Stop caring!


I will, will you?

Once Upon a Time in Neverland

Y: I can’t keep on that lame dance for good. You got to make choices. You have to decide which side you are.


X: You are scaring me.


Y: I never thought the idea of losing me will scare you that much.


X: it isn’t. The idea of marrying you is!

Picture: Rebecca Amroian

Quote of the Day

Attraction is beyond our will or ideas sometimes - Juliette Binoche

The List

As if you didn't know me enough :)

1- Were you named after anyone?
No


2- When was the last Time you cried?
Last Thursday, as I talked the night away with the ex!


3- Do you like your handwriting?
Sometimes


4- What's your favorite lunch meat?
I am a steak person


5- Do you have kids?
No!


6- If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
Hmmm, I guess yes!


7- Do you use sarcasm?
Always!


8- Do you still have your tonsils?
Yes!


9 -Would you BUNGEE JUMP?
Never


10- What's your favorite cereal?
Nothing specific


11- Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Only if I had too.


12- What's your favorite ice-cream?
Mango & chocolate


13- What's the first thing you notice about people?
How fake their smile is


14- Red or Pink?
Pink, then Red


15- What's your least favorite thing about yourself?
How I get attached to people


16- Who do you miss the most?
My Mom


17- Do you want everyone to complete this list?
Sure, it is good to have fun every now and then.


18- What color pants and shirt are you wearing?
A dress, and flip-flops


19- What are you listening to right now?
Little Pieces, Gomez


20- If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Blue, or maybe green. Something that a kid will use a lot.


21-Favorite smells?
Rain, Grass, fresh bakes and me just out of shower.


22- Who was the last person you talked to on phone?
Texted, Sameh, this morning.


23- How do you know the person who sent you this?
Cesario, we know each other through blogging.


24- Favorite sports to watch?
Almost everything. My favorite sport is watching sports.


25- Hair Color?
Brown.


26- Eye Color?
Brown, matching the hair ;)


27- Do you wear contacts?
No


29- Favorite food?
That question hurts! I love food, why do you think I am always dieting. Everything is my favorite :(


30- Scary movie or happy endings?
Neither, Nor. Anything that will make me laugh!


31- Last movie you watched?
I can’t remember.


32- What color shirt are you wearing?
Again, I am wearing dress. Pale yellow.


33- Summer or Winter?
Autumn!


34- Hugs or Kisses?
Both


35- What book are you reading right now?
Just finished Isabel Allende’s “Portrait in Sepia” and I completely loved it!


36- What's on your mouse pad?
I don't use one.


37- What did you watch on tv last night?
I didn’t watch TV last night. The last thing I watched was Egypt vs Zambia football match two days ago.


38- Favorite sound(s)?
The rain, water in general.


39- Rolling stones or beatles?
Beatles.


40- What's the farthest you have been from home?
KSA (Umrah)


41- Do you have a special talent?
Hmmm, used to think I have.


42- Where were you born?
Cairo, Egypt


43- Favorite piece of jewlery?
Necklaces and Bangles.

Talking a Night Away

Him: what’s the type of disaster did you do this time

Me: I did nothing, I swear. Why do you think I did something?

Him: Isn’t there anyone new?

Me: No, I have become too old and ugly to attract men.

Him: hehe … no way, you are still as sexy as ever.

Me: Was, I am not sexy or anything now

Him: blah … blah … blah


………


Him: if only you knew how much I see you beautiful and sexy, you would have done it long time ago.

Me: you know I would have done it anyway if I can ;)

Me: H, am I really beautiful?

Him: You are

Me: So what is so bad about me?

Him: You are being stupid. You try to mask your intelligence with your stupidity. I am sorry but you asked for honesty. You have some ideas that cause lots of miscommunication

Me: But I try to communicate, I do my best to communicate

Him: You have to change your way, it makes you fail every time.

Me: What should I do?

Him: You should stop trying to force your way on people.

Me: I don’t try to force my way on people. I am even being nice to those I hate.

Him: What’s the use of being nice to someone after giving them a hard time?

Me: I only give them hard time when they try to impose change on me in a way. Why don’t people just accept me the way I am?

Him: You have some really stupid ideas!

Me: The thing is I invest in people. I expect return on this investment.

Him: I told you, you have some really stupid ideas. If you really have to invest in people, do it in real people not someone you knew online. If you really have to invest, invest in family, husband and kids.

Me: I am already investing in my family. I have nothing else but friends and those you call unreal people. And I stopped making friends online long time ago

Him: “Raising someone else’s child is like building on a land that you don’t own”. You are investing in me, you are investing in HIM and God only knows who else.

Me: 1st you are real. 2nd do you think I should cut HIM off? I don’t count him as an unreal person but do you think I should cut HIM off?

Him: Why do you think you should cut him off?

Me: Nothing, you have a perspective and I’d like to know what you think.

Him: Don’t cut him off! Just get to know what to expect in return before investing. Give as much as you are expecting to be given. I won’t talk about HIM, I don’t know HIM but I know me, so I’ll talk about me. Well, I miss you. I love you. But when you are not around I have a life that I am not ready to give up for any reason. (Sorry for being rude). So, regardless how much you will invest in me you won’t get more than whatever I have to offer.

Me: No one would ever give as much as I invest, because everyone has his life.

Him: So the question is why do you invest? Or why do you over invest? Isn’t it wise to give me as much as you are expecting me to give back?

Me: Well, if my investment in people could translate into money terms I assure you I have thrown away a whole fortune.

Him: I can’t agree more, baby. So learn and ACT!

Me: All what I wanted that one day one of the losers I have invested in will choose me over the lots of silly things they choose over me.

Him: Honey, if you invested in me hoping that I will give up my life for you this will be pure stupidity because I won’t give up my life for anything. The best I can do is having you along them.

Me: But I never asked you to dump your life for me.

Him: what I mean is that each person has a limit. The limit for me is to have you along them. I don’t know about him but I am sure each person has his own agenda.

Me: so, how can I get to know this limit?

Him: Be rational, study the person. You are good at this.

Me: I am not good at anything.

Him: Ok, for example, me. What do you expect from me?

Me: Nothing!

Him: Wrong. Again you are being stupid. You can have lots of things of me. I miss you, I love you, I listen to you, and I support you. I can give you lots of things that only thing that I can’t give is giving up my life, my wife and kid. This is the only thing I can’t do. But saying that you are expecting nothing from me just because I can’t give you things the way you want it to be is pure stupidity.

Me: having the things in a way that I don’t want means that I didn’t have them.

Him: once more, stupid. You should collect things. They might be useful one day.

Me: Collections are useless.

Him: No, it is like having someone for everything. It is better than not having anyone for anything. The thing is you are seeking a lover, a husband. This will take time. But leaving all of them behind just because they are not husbands isn’t the right thing to do.

Me: I am not looking for a husband.

Him: Silly.

Me: Well, this is the problem. I am not looking for a husband.

Him: I am just giving you an example.

Me: I am not expecting anyone to be my husband. I am just expecting that at least people mean the things they say, I want people not to lie to me, and I want people to respect that I might be smart. I want people to apologize sometimes. And I would like to know what they want from me.
Him: I was just talking about this with a friend of mine and I was telling her that in 90% of the times a man gets to know a woman for sex. In 5% he knows her for company and filling time and the last 5% he is serious and considering commitment. So whenever in doubt, try these percentages.

Me: I deserve better than that. I deserve better than being just an entertainment. This breaks my heart.

Him: It is sad but true. Hence you don’t have to invest in no return investments.

Me: Do you think I really deserve better?

Him: Everyone deserves better. I just wonder why you always end up with this type of people. I think it is because you are always selling yourself short.


……


Him: you have admirers and lovers. I am one of them; if I weren’t married I would have married you in a heartbeat. And I am so serious about having you along her!

Me: I only want to know why they always choose other women over me.

Him: I think they do because they are already committed. No one would end a commitment.

Me: No, even those who weren’t committed chose other women. One of them even made a list of the things that turned him off. That included my poor choice of wardrobe, my voice, my P’s & B’s and that YOU have left prints on me

Him: He is just stupid. And the things he mentioned don’t make a decent man leave a woman. Plus, why do you keep telling people about us?

Me: because I am an honest person.

Him: but there is nothing to be told. It is just that you had a boyfriend as simple as that. You just keep over reacting. So, stop telling them details that will make them scared because these details are only big in your mind.

Me: I only see details and though might be little, I always see them big.

Him: Tell me about that guy, what did you want from him, Marriage?

Me: No

Him: So, you didn’t want marriage and you didn’t want him to leave you to another woman? I can’t get this!

Me: All what I wanted was potential. Plus, I can’t understand you! You have always been attacking me whenever I showed that I wanted real commitment, now you are attacking me for saying I don’t. I don’t really get why men flee either way!

Him: You can always have me ;)


……


Him: I never knew how to handle you. I am not a beginner and you have always made me feel like one. I don’t know why maybe because of how I always felt towards you. But all what I know is that I am a beginner when you are around.

Me: Thanks God I met the beginner, that beginner is way too experienced for me.

Him: You don’t know how much you worth.

Me: LOL, you reminded me of a friend, he always said that I under estimate myself.

Him: Your friend is wise, and this is the weakest point about you. Anyone could get to you from it.

Me: Yeah, that was what my friend told me when he met M.

Him: Do you tell all your friends about all your relations? How can you find the time? Did you tell HIM about M too.

Me: Well, HE knows everything about me.

Him: like what?

Me: Like everything. Like he’s been living with me for years.

Him: hmmm

Me: anyway, I just can’t stand HIM these days.

Him: No, and I know why?

Me: Why?

Him: You know how much I hate chatting. Go sleep (k)

Some nights are just destined to be long, this is one of them.

Because a Picture Worth a Thousand Words

"A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you the less you know."Diane Arbus

Jobless Lady*

One of my best friends wrote me this :)

By Amany Zakaria

================

I met a friend, not long time ago
A very close friend, with a mind that glows
She's single, well-educated I know
But was suprised to learn, she works no more!!!

Upon asking her the reason for so
Is it recession or no place to go
She surprised me with a theory...
I'd love to share with you all

She asked simplily "why the OH!
If I am not bored,
Nor am I financially low
In fact, there's a lot to do"

"I spend my time reading, like i never read before
I can develop mentally, that's for sure
I have time for my family and friends so close
Why is it a must i go to work?"

"Why link education to having to work?
Why staying home is such a dark thought?
Why, when I get married, it's better to stay home?
Why do I "just have to go with the flow?""

My family talks to me no more
My friends pray I leave the "store"
They believe i do nothing but clean the floor
Why not accept me the way I adore?"

Dear friend, forgive me for doing so
Not accepting nor supporting you
But, rather, pushing and arguing you
And why..........just because "everybody sees so"


*Special dedication to shimaa gamal. I'm still waiting for your theory in colliqual arabic, as i heard it from you :)

Blessings

Here is a secret; I keep a list of almost everything that could be listed. I keep lists of things that made me happy, things that would me happier, things I hate and things I love. I keep a list of people and their priorities. I subconsciously list everything. And sure I have had listed the blessings I could count before.

But upon Ibhog’s request, here I am sharing some of the blessings I could count because regardless how hard any of us could try, we can never count the blessings God granted us.

Here are the rules:

· The point is to say a heartfelt ‘Thank God’. So, you’ll have to choose power blessings, ones that really really are endowments, that you couldn’t possibly feel deeper gratitude towards God for. Ones that you feel grateful for, everyday.

· After each blessing, you’ll have to choose one word to describe your state. Examples: “Happy”, “Excited”, “Thankful”, “Humble”. Or, you have to choose any word that comes to your mind after it anyway – one that’ll summarize it all.

· The ones you’d choose are preferred to be special to you, for instance, we all know that ‘Eye Sight’ is an immense blessing, and of course we can list it, but preferably if it has a special meaning to us.

· The number of your blessings should be between 5 and 10.

· After finishing your list, you should write the word: “El7amodellah” in bold, and say it out loud.

· You should tag as many friends as you can – even the ones who don’t blog, inform them that they must comment.

· After that, well, all you do is to be happy and to have ‘Reda’

و إن تعدوا نعمة الله لا تحصوها

And here is my list:

1- I am grateful for having my father, sister and brother. They are the air I breathe. The reason that makes me wake up every morning even when I am so angry at them.

2- I am grateful for having friends. People who care about me even when I disappear for months. They never lose hope in digging me up. I am grateful they are always there.

3- I am grateful for having a large family. I have a total of 12 uncles and aunts both sides. With an average of 3 kids for each. You do the math. I have a little tribe that I call family. I am so grateful to have them and I am so grateful we are so close to each other.

4- I am grateful that people don’t hate me at first sight. Some might think I am arrogant but most of the time people like me.

5- I am grateful I can afford many things others can’t.

6- I am grateful I have nothing but minor problems. I could have said no problems but minor is my excuse to whine later.

7- I am grateful for being healthy and young.

8- I am grateful for having a religion. It would have been too hard for someone with my mind o find God if I was born not believing in one. I am grateful for being a Muslim.

9- I am grateful for being saved from all the troubles I had in my short life. God always saved me.

10- I am grateful for being able to remember these blessings in the dark moments. I am grateful that God is merciful to let his blessings lit my occasional darkness.

اللهم لك الشكر

So, now write your own list. You are tagged.

You can find Arabic translation here. Special thanks to L.G.

Marwa Rakha Against Publishers

Spread the word!

http://marwarakha.blogspot.com/2009/09/blog-post_04.html

Ironically 30

Sometimes I feel that you, my dear dedicated blog readers and passersby, are really lucky. Because most of the time God, for those of you who believe there is one, spare you a lot of none sense. I know it has been a while since I last wrote anything. It has been too long that I even forgot how I used to do it. But here I go again trying to be as courageous as before to spill the nonsense I have in my mind into a readable form.

So, I am thirty. Yeah, finally I crossed that virtual line I drew for myself 10 years ago. I was planning to get back to blogging by a long post about those thirty years of my life. I was planning to give a long speech about how failure is success in the core. I was planning different forms of celebrations that weren’t limited to that long philosophical speech that God just spared you. (For those who don’t believe in God this is enough reason to believe! Trust me!)

I was planning different outings with different people; I also planned a hair cut and a photo session. I was hoping to buy a new scanner to share with my “facebook world” the evidence that a cute little kid could actually grow to be …. Well, me!

As I have always done in the last 30 years I had the best laid plans and I had the will to see them through. Though the hair cut thing was delayed, and so did the metamorphosis photo album. But I had my share of fun and sure presents!

As I wanted, the celebrations started a week ahead. A thing that I believe a typical narcissist would do. My cousin threw me my 1^st online party, my sister started the count down and dug all types of birthday songs she could find online. I started a series of outings with most of my favorite friends. I talked, they listened and the food was great.

To sum it up things seemed to be working perfectly according to plan, till it was – 3 or 4 hours to cross the line and the phone rang.

I wasn’t really expecting the voice on the other end but I kind of expected the call. It was my uncle’s wife telling me that my grandpa just passed away.

At this point I could start lecturing about life and death. I could take this as a reason to give the lecture I have been planning to prove how wise I am at the age of 30.

But I just can’t. Because two minutes after that phone call and as I was fighting tears and reciting prayers for my late grandpa I got a text message on my phone wishing me a happy birthday.

Well, it isn’t really my very 1^st time to lose a grandparent just before my birthday; my grandma did it two days before my sweet 16. I don’t want to sound paranoid but doesn’t it feel like a conspiracy!

I just can’t stop laughing. How people are reacting to the awkwardness of the situation. I am having“three in one” phone calls, condolences + birthday wishes + Ramadan greetings.

I can’t ignore the irony. I am in no position to preach how a person should act in a similar social situation. I actually replied to those birthday wishes by “thanks, my grandpa passed away”. I know it was rude but I couldn’t find a better way. I really appreciated those who were socially smart and wished me a better year. I don’t mean that this year was a bad one, but what else could a one say in a birthday and a funeral!

Anyway, I thought that my 30th birthday was a really good joke and I shouldn’t be laughing at it alone.

And for you kids who aren’t 30 yet, don’t over plan! Because there will always be a factor that you can’t control. Whatever they teach you about planning in a pure myth. Planning is just organized dreaming because destiny will always be there. And always, always be ahead of things. Celebrate as early as you remember and apologize as soon as you do the mistake. Life is too short to wait for the right time.

And for those oldies above thirty, if you are still planning thinking you could beat destiny so you are hopeless. And if you are still waiting for the right time, congratulations you have wasted your life!

“Happy birthday, I am sorry for your loss and Ramadan Karim!”

Picture from: Gill's Blog

That Train!

A month ago I went to Assuit to attend my cousin’s wedding. Assuit is a beautiful city in Upper Egypt; it takes almost a 6 hours train trip to get there. The wedding was nice, I didn’t stay long enough to enjoy the city but what I have seen was enough to make me want to get back sometime.

And as all the good things in life, the nice trip to Assuit has to come to an end. When we arrived to the train station we found our train moving. It wasn’t supposed to depart until another 30 minutes, but people started saying that there was an unannounced change in the train schedule. And that was when my uncle, my dad and my brother started running to get aboard the moving train.

My brother jumped into the train, my uncle followed and my decision was “I am not going to jump in”. The train was accelerating; I didn’t find the circumstances suitable. But here came the father who started yelling at me to jump aboard. He actually kept running holding the train as if he would magically stop it while yelling at me to jump.
The image of my father ran over by the train was the only thing that made me take that step. He wasn’t going to jump in without me and he wanted to get into that train by any means. So, I jumped aboard an accelerating train. I took an unnecessary risk because my father wanted me to do.

I did the thing he believed is right, though I still believe that it is wrong. I did the thing he thought is for my benefit just because I was too scared he would kill himself trying to put me on that train.

Ironically after we jumped aboard the train stopped. It was a sort of silly joke.

But the point is my father didn’t want me to miss the train, as if that train is my only ride to paradise. In the time there was going to be no harm to leave me behind. I had enough money, I had my cell-phone and I wasn’t in a strange city. My aunt lives there, actually 15 minutes away from the station and another uncle was staying the night there and was heading back to Cairo next morning. There was no harm leaving me behind and the destination of that train wasn’t paradise.

Yet my dad, yelled at me to jump aboard an accelerating train. He made me take a risk that I wouldn’t take just because he believed my benefit is to be on that train.

I don’t know why this train incident would sum up how “parents” in this part of the world affect their children’s lives. That train represents the opportunity. My decision to pass and my dad’s decision to jump in represent the conflict of interest between the best our parents want for us and the best we believe in. I believe that missing that train would have been an exciting experience. I would have seen new things. I would have had a mini-adventure. The risk wasn’t high and I am not a school girl who won’t know how to get back home. Actually the risk of falling off the moving train was higher than the risks borne to staying the night in a strange city.

My point is, missing an opportunity might be an opportunity. It is not the end of the world. And no one should know what’s best for you but yourself. No one has the right to corner anyone into doing anything because they believe it is the right thing to be done. There is nothing “right” in this world. And if there is anything that has to be right, it will always be the things your parents taught you while not influenced by adrenaline!

Later, he admitted it was wrong to push me to jump aboard that train. It just seems that he was the one who couldn’t take the risk of leaving me behind. But this is the point. He spent all his life preparing me for the moment he will leave me behind. He spent all his life teaching me the risks of trying to catch a departing train. He was the one who taught me to see the opportunity in missing the train. He brought me up on appreciating what I have in hand. But in a glance, he lost faith in me.

A thing that makes me wonder if that faith was ever there. Or if love would make us unintentionally hurt our loved ones.

Or do we intentionally hurt them to push them to do what we believe is right?!

A lesson in Flirting

Assume you are a bitter single. You have been in a long abusing relation that ended magically but you are still suffering from the consequences. Assume you are sitting alone in your regular place sipping your own misery with your drink. Assume that you were too traumatized to even look around for potential candidates. Then out of the blue someone came smiling.

What if this someone took the step and came to where you were silently sat for maybe years. What if this someone started saying the things you have wanted to hear? What if this someone started doing the unexpected “expected”. Praising what you know he would be praising, promising things without really promising and finally concluded the grand gesture with offering to buy you a drink.

Would you turn this offer down?

That was exactly what president Obama did in his speech addressing the Muslim world. He gave a lesson on how to flirt without selling yourself short.
The speech came with the Obama guarantee. It was as enjoyable as any of his speeches. It came as everyone secretly expected. Because no one wanted to place high hopes on an American president.

It was tricky advancing the highly diversified Muslim world. But the speech actually had something for everyone. It was promising yet disappointing. It promised everyone what he secretly wished for but without granting this wish.
It was a very well balanced speech that addressed the major areas of conflict. It was a very smart speech because it focused on the commonalities. It was very wise because it asserted that it is not a commitment it is just to show good will.

The speech is a grand gesture that means a lot regardless the vague promises. (Personally I don’t see them as vague. He just promised the things he can do but promised to try with the things he can try. He also stated it is a cooperation not a one sided relation)
It was a grand gesture choosing “Cairo”. It was really a smart choice. It is one of the oldest Islamic Capitals. It played one of the biggest roles in the Islamic history especially in critical times. Actually few Islamic Capitals could compete with Cairo in that field. Medina the prophet’s capital comes first in importance but unfortunately non-Muslims aren’t allowed in (though there is no religious reason to do). Next come Baghdad & Damascus. Both were the capitals of the great Islamic Empire. But because of the wisdom of Mr. W, Baghdad is temporarily out of service and addressing anything from Damascus isn’t an option. Istanbul would have made a perfect choice too but unfortunately Ataturk decided to take it out of competition. Plus Cairo has Al Azhar with everything that it represents.
Cairo was grand gesture not only for the historical value but also to imply the importance of Egypt in the region. Again, the US-Islam problem is mainly Arabic. And to tackle an Arabic problem there is no better place than Egypt.


So, why make history? Some said that the economical crisis has pushed him towards the Arab money. But in my humble believe if he was after the Arab money he would have given the speech in Riyadah, Kuwait, or even Doha. If he was after the money he would have gone to it. But he came to where there is no money. He came to where politics is made. Which will leave the question unanswered, why approaching the Muslim world?
Simply he is doing it for the same reasons Bush started his crusade.

Before the visit, Mohaly posted a video that I personally found offensive. In that video someone was warning the west from the Islamic danger. According to the video in few years the majority of the world will be Muslims. And this according to the video is catastrophic.

I found the video offensive because I live in a world with a majority of Christians yet I don’t feel compromised. I found the video offensive because I couldn’t see how terrorism means Islam in the time others excelled at it. The Muslim victims of Islamic terrorism are more than victims from other religions. Through history we will find that the number of non-Muslim terrorist out numbers the number of Muslim ones. So, why Islam is viewed a religion of terror?!


The answer is simple. A majority of Muslims means a change in how things are being done in the world. Not only because majority will elect people who will impose laws representing their interests. Because even if the majority didn’t change the law, the change in the personal choice of persons will change how a community function.
So, imagine Amsterdam, for example, in few years with no beer, no red street and no pot smoking in the streets! Some will think this will be a better Amsterdam and some are convinced that this is a loss of culture.

So, it is a cultural fight! It is what we may call the Islamic conservatism that scares the world. But is it really only culture?! Europe has gone through a massive cultural change to become the Europe we know now. They became the Europe they are now when they managed to lock God back in the Church. They locked the God the Catholic Church represented. They locked the limitations on innovations in the name of God. They locked the forces that tried to keep Europe in the dark along with God in the church.

So, the idea of getting God back out of the safe locked place should sound scary. And fighting change is instinct. And as Arabs and Muslims all over the world are fighting the change happening in their cultures, it is the west’s right to defend its cultural heritage. They have the right to defend the openness that will be compromised if Islamic conservatism was introduced. This very same conservatism worries many Muslims about the ability of the Islamic world to follow the world progress.

Through history there is only one lesson people keep forgetting. A war with a different cultural doesn’t preserve yours. In many cases wars were the way cultural change was introduced. So the previous American administration wasn’t really that wise putting the USA in war with Islam.

That war gave Islam an unintended exposure, the exposure that increased the risk of the cultural change the west dreaded.
So, if Islam is really inevitable. There should be a way to soften the change, hence the speech.


Now back to where we started, the nice someone making a grand gesture at us has his own issues too. We are sitting sipping our misery. And then we have this chance for a drink and a nice company. Nothing promised. Commitment is far beyond imagination. But there is potential if both parties worked hard enough. Would you smile back and accept the drink or would you just keep slowly sipping the bitterness of the past?!

Personally, I will go for the drink. As long as I am not selling myself short or putting high hopes. As long as I know that if a relation is to come it is a two parties’ work. I guess the drink will be perfect.


Mr. President, thanks for the lesson.

P.S.
For everyone who said that these are just words and we want action isn’t it a bit early for action? and even if these were just words at least he showed respect and this is rare. I know Egyptians who won’t even say they are pleased to be in Cairo. The guy said he was honored. He could have used many other words to describe happiness but he was honored to be in the city disrespected by its own inhabitants.
The guy showed understanding for Islam that some Muslims don’t show. He didn’t only address the Muslims he actually addressed people around the world. People around the world know now that Islam has another side. People around the world now know that Muslims has the right to practice their religion and Islamic prayer isn’t a ritual done before bombing a plane.
Which part of this speech can’t eradicate decades of conflict didn’t you get?!

Internet Rule #1 – A Reminder

It seems that some of us keep forgetting the internet rules of thumb. And no it is not the “don’t give your real contacts to anyone online”. It is the rule about never receiving a file that you don’t know its sender. And never receive an executable even from your best-est friends. It is the rule of never enter your email password on any site other than your email provider site.

It is the rule of staying safe and secure online.

You don’t give your password(s) to anyone and you don’t enter this password(s) anywhere. You don’t give anyone your credit card number (or your bank details if that matters)online and always use a secured and verified way to your online payments. And it is strongly recommended to dedicate only one card for the online purchases with a very low credit limit. (You are not buying diamonds online!)
And if anyone is wondering why I am posting such a reminder now, it is because I keep receiving emails that scream “someone has been owned” like this one

“Dear friend：
i would like to introduce a good company who trades mainly in electornic products.Now the company is under sales promotion,all the products are sold nearly at its cost.They provide the best service to customers,they provide you with original products of good quality,and what is more,the price is a surprising happiness to you!It is realy a good chance for shopping.just grasp the opportunity,Now or never!
The web address: (www.) bolocn.com”


How would anyone know that such emails are fake, ( forget about the spelling mistakes because most of us won’t even notice but if this is a real promotional ad, the company would have at least used a word processor and revised the spelling mistakes!)

First the subject is vague, “Dear Friend, A business Opportunity … etc”. None of your friends will use such a subject line. But assume that they might do. And assume that you like the content of the mail and you are so tempted to follow that link. Please, please, please. I beg you to ask google 1st about that site. It is simple and idiot proof, you copy the link and paste it to google and press search. You might be amazed by the results. In the previous example, the search result should have returned a company’s home page but it actually returned nothing but people screaming that their accounts have been stolen and that the owners of this site have emptied many bank accounts.


Please, stay safe. The internet is just like a street; will you ever give someone in the street your bank details?!

Here's to the Future

We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it.

The list of Eights

I was tagged by gjoe and jessy. Actually it took me too long to think. But it is really fun to know that I don't have as many wishes and I am not looking forward as many things ;)

8 Things I’m looking forward to:
1. Visiting my sister/ My sister’s vacation
2. My family and friends coming back on vacation
3. Sheri’s Wedding
4. Having some “me time”
5. The day I start over
6. None
7. None
8. None

8 Things I did yesterday:
1. Woke up
2. Texted Sameh (repeated all day)
3. Emailed sister (repeated all day)
4. Checked email/ FB/ google reader
5. Phone calls
6. House chores (cooking, laundry and unpacked)
7. Read a book.
8. Visited my Grandpa and Grandma

8 Things I Wish I could do: (ranked by the degree of feasibleness)
1. Drive
2. Have my own business
3. Travel the world
4. Meet S (yeah, you! I think it is that impossible! *broken heart*)
5. Cut off HH, peacefully!
6. Read minds
7. None
8. None


8 Shows I Watch
1. Grey’s Anatomy (This show deserves a whole post)
2. Fatafeat
3. None
4. None
5. None
6. None
7. None
8. None

8 Things I Love:
1. The smell of rain
2. Long walks
3. Warm talks
4. Good food
5. Reading
6. Silence
7. Cooking
8. None

I tag Haz, Om Hagar, ibhog, kochia and Inso

A Short Break

I am going back to the sacred valley, a journey that I am really longing to.

And till I see you again enjoy this song

On Blogging

When I started blogging, I started with no aim but finding a space to rant and a way to detoxify.

I was writing the things that bothered me, and when emailing friends failed to cure the wounds. Blogging seemed to help. Blogging became even handier when my first and last forum experience failed. Writing in a forum for the first time I was really amazed by discovering the advantage writing give me in a debate. When I write I have enough time to think and organize my thoughts. The thoughts that provoked a lot of people, and as a result I decided that it’s better to be the one and only who put the rules and the one and only to follow them. As one of the forum administrators, who is an old collage colleague, thought that only what he thinks is right is right. And that the rules are his to interpret.

I still used the blog mainly to vent that’s why most of the posts are too personal and too depressing. The blog became my new best friend. The safe place I think of whenever I face something that I can’t directly deal with.
But between complaining about my family and dreaming about Brad I blogged about other aspects of life. I found that blogging gives me a way to say what I think of things out loud not only to detoxify.

Then maybe when the thrill of novelty subsided Brad asked me why don’t I blog. And when I said I don’t really find something to blog about he kept talking about a book he read and inspired him a lot. I found his talk inspiring but it didn’t really make me want to write. And when I didn’t write he started saying things about how this blog has nothing to say and it is all about me. And that I should start writing something of value.

Actually what he said got to me, I won’t deny that. He made this comment short after he related my value in life with this blog, something a friend will also do later, so if this blog has no value that meant he was telling me in the face you are of no value.

I kept on, value or no value I still needed that place to vent. I still needed people to tell me I am not alone. I still wanted to share the things no one knows about me. And then came a point when I thought I have shared too much. I discovered that this blog is the living evidence of most of the events of my life. I felt naked on national TV.! The bad naked, not the good sexy naked. I felt that people are pointing at the ugliness I shared. I felt ashamed. I kept blogging to minimum but I have always came back when there was no place else to go.

The feeling of invaluableness and shame was the main reason I lost the ability to write. Every time I think something is interesting enough to be shared here, I get held back by the feeling that this isn’t good enough.
I just keep coming back. It feels good to scream and ask for help here. It just feels safe.

It feels safe to take off the guards and tell the whole world that I have dreams, I want to live, and I need to be granted new chances.
It feels safe to admit mistakes, and analyze them. It feels safe to come crying over the spilled milk and it feels safe to admit that I am genuinely thought-less. I am stupid and I do the same mistakes over and over.
It feels safe to say that I know that whatever I have gone through is little compared to what others are going through. It is safe to say that this little has taken most of me. It feels safe to admit that I have a dark secret life that this blog only reflects some of its incidents.

It just feels safe. Thanks to you.

Inspired by the Facebook Quiz Mania :)

Shimaa Gamal took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! ""Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing envi..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Shimaa Gamal's Existing Situation

Needs excitement and constant stimulation. Willingly participates in activities that are thrilling and offer adventure.

Shimaa Gamal's Stress Sources

"His stubbornness and will-power has become weakened due to current difficulties. Feels overworked and emotionally drain; as if all her work is for nothing and she is getting nowhere. The situation is very real to her and she wants to escape, but has no idea how to do so or how to even approach the situation rationally."

Shimaa Gamal's Restrained Characteristics

"Demanding and picky in her relationships, but careful not to bring out conflict or disagreements and this may decrease her chances of achieving her goals and ideas."

Is bothered when her needs and desires are misunderstood and she feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. her self-centered attitude can cause her to be easily offended.

"Willing to become emotionally involved, but is demanding and picky when choosing a partner. Is careful not to bring out conflict or disagreements as this may decrease her chances of achieving her goals and ideas."

Current events have her feeling forced to make bargains and put aside her own desires for now. she is able to find satisfaction and happiness through sexual activity.

Current events have her feeling forced to make bargains and put aside her own desires for now. she is able to find satisfaction and happiness through sexual activity.

Shimaa Gamal's Desired Objective

"Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing environment, where everyone gets along and there is a strong sense of belonging."

Shimaa Gamal's Actual Problem

"Tension and stress is brought on by trying to cope with conditions which are out of her control, using up all her strength and leaving her feeling inadequate. she wishes to escape into a more peaceful and problem-free environment, in which she will no longer have to assert herself or deal with so much pressure."

To Relieve Some ANGER

You know what hurt, that this is really now my only window to talk. It hurt because it seems that the only way I can let go off feelings is to write them down and publish them on a public blog on a hope that someone will read and understand.
It hurt to be trapped in self pity over a silly thing. It hurt to cry none stop and try to hide your face from your family because if they saw you crying they will just scream at you for being silly.

Actually what hurt is to feel hurt while knowing you are silly and still can’t help it.
It hurt to feel like a freak and still can’t find that kind hearted person who would see the good heart of the beast.
It hurt when people show understanding in the time they don’t really understand. And it hurt when you are a talkative person who can’t form a meaningful phrase to tell what you have in mind.
It hurt when you blame yourself for being hurt. It hurt that you are hurt in the time you shouldn’t.


Why can’t anyone get the simple idea that I know I am 30 yrs old. I know that I don’t have enough social exposure to get to know a person and get married.
I know that everyone else has a life. I know that if I made it to 50 yrs old I will be known as the old lady with the plants, unless I got cats, and I know that I might end up making front pages because of my tragic kill on the hand of a robber who knew that I am a lonely, vulnerable old lady.

I know that I will get sick and won’t find someone to fetch me medicine. I know my nights will be colder and my days will be longer.

I know that I am a waste to the economy because I don’t contribute to GDP by cooking for my family.

I know all these and I know more. I know I am a mess. And I don’t need to be reminded how much of a mess I am.

I know I am a mess, and I am so thankful for all the advices. I really appreciate the care. I am really grateful that God didn’t deal me bad cards. I am grateful I can afford unemployment and identity crisis. I am sincerely thankful for my blessings, the ones I can count and the ones I can’t.

So, I am thankful for being the mess I am. Whatever happens tomorrow is still unknown and I am the really optimistic person who wrote that darkness is light!

I am sick of feeling guilty for disappointing the many people who had hopes on me. I am sick of feeling that I am not showing enough appreciation. Because this is the best I can do. I am sick that I am not wise but that’s me.

Why it is so hard to understand that those advices and that sweet talking about how I am ruining my future really hurt? Why it is so hard to understand that I am done trying hard and I want to be taken the way I am?

Why it is so hard to understand the things I can’t say?

It is not a Depression

I don’t want to work
I don’t want to get married
I don’t want to go out with my friends
I don’t want to go shopping
I don’t want to get out of bed
I don’t want to talk

I don’t want to die


But I can’t remember when I decided I don’t want to live.

Every Morning I wake up on a hope that this day will be the day time freezes. And every night I pray it won’t be my last.

If only I remember when did I decide not to live!

The Way I am

We are all freaks in a way. We dress up, we talk to impress or even better we say we don’t care but this never change that at a moment we will look in the mirror to see a freak in need of acceptance. Someone to take us the way we are. Someone who won’t get out the fixing tools to mend all the fractions. Someone to see the beauty in the pieces, the value of dirt and the significance of nothing.

I don’t know why this song gives me a heart ache.


Enjoy!

Miss Halfway

Enjoy

On Darkness, Cards and the Good Old Days

I am not attached to memories, I don’t long for past. I don’t know how healthy is that but I rarely miss the “good old times”. Everyone seems to miss their childhood, college time, or even a work place that they left. I just don’t, maybe it is related to my bad memory but sometimes I remember events but I just don’t feel like re-living them again. I bury the joy with the pain and I always look ahead. I know that this sounds untrue coming from a person who keeps whining about the mistakes she has done in her life but seriously, even when I whine it is all about the next step never the past. I whine out of worry because as a history fan I know how it ironically repeats itself whenever someone thinks he is smart enough to beat the odds.
But even if history keeps repeating itself, trying to beat the odds will always be the only way for development. We won’t advance if we stayed in the safe corner of what we know. We have to take a step into the dark hoping that this step might be a start for a journey to a new light. We take a step into the dark praying that it isn’t the last on a steep hill. We hope, we pray and we plan for our steps. For an outsider a step into the dark seems as an aimless step but for us, for each of us, darkness promises a meaning. Darkness is a direction. Darkness is our bright future that depends so much on where we stand now and more on where we came from.
And that doesn’t mean that those who are standing on the edge of a steep hill will always end up crashed on the valley’s rocks. Sometimes the worse the place you came from the better the place you will end up at. Because life is pretty much like a card game, it is not really about how good the cards you were dealt are. It is all about how good you can use what you were dealt. It is about when to place the bets, when to pass and when to finally quit.
In that game you don’t get to long for the time you won when you lose. First longing won’t bring winnings back, playing will. Second the sweetness of the memory will always be accompanied by bitterness. Longing is a bitter feeling, it holds an unsatisfied need. And if we have to long we should long for tomorrow. That way bitterness will go with the sweetness of satisfaction.
And as we don’t get to long for the time we won, we don’t get to regret the way we mistakenly used our cards. Because that foolishness was the reason we knew how things were supposed to be. It is all about how we can make best of the cards we have been dealt now. Whether we win or lose, it will just be a base for a new step into a new darkness.
And if that matters, we don’t get to blame the dealer as his job is to blindly deal the cards evenly. The same way we don’t get to blame the hill for being steep or the rocks for being sharp. It is how we use our cards that define where & how we will end up.
It is all in our hands.

Analyze This!

The “tell me honestly” tag is all over the facebook, everyone is tagging everyone to know how they think of them honestly.

Imagine someone getting these answers. I think we should always be careful with what we wish for :)))

1- Who are you?

I don’t think you would want to know

2- Are we friends?

Not really

3- When and how did we meet?

Didn’t have the pleasure yet

4- Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it?

The blind, you would know why in a moment

5- Describe me in one word

Stupid, fits the context

6- What was your first impression?

Green!

7- Do you still think that way about me now?

Hmm … yeah!

8- What reminds you of me?

Nothing in particular, you are in my blind spot

9 - If you could give me anything what would it be?

A bullet in your head, or better a slow poison. (Just to put you out of your misery)

10 - Which song reminds you of me?

This is to prove you are a slow thinker, I said you are in my blind spot.

11- How well do you know me?

Enough I guess!

12- When’s the last time you saw me?

I can’t remember, but not long ago

13- Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?

Yes, I slept with your husband

14- What do you hate about me?

I pity you! But I hate your mere existence if that matters

15- What do you love about me?

Check the previous answer

16- Where do you see me in 7 years?

The same way I see you in 70 years, Blind!

17- Are you going to copy this pic to see what do I or people say?

No, I am comfortable with dishonesty.