May 04, 2009

On Blogging

When I started blogging, I started with no aim but finding a space to rant and a way to detoxify.

I was writing the things that bothered me, and when emailing friends failed to cure the wounds. Blogging seemed to help. Blogging became even handier when my first and last forum experience failed. Writing in a forum for the first time I was really amazed by discovering the advantage writing give me in a debate. When I write I have enough time to think and organize my thoughts. The thoughts that provoked a lot of people, and as a result I decided that it’s better to be the one and only who put the rules and the one and only to follow them. As one of the forum administrators, who is an old collage colleague, thought that only what he thinks is right is right. And that the rules are his to interpret.

I still used the blog mainly to vent that’s why most of the posts are too personal and too depressing. The blog became my new best friend. The safe place I think of whenever I face something that I can’t directly deal with.
But between complaining about my family and dreaming about Brad I blogged about other aspects of life. I found that blogging gives me a way to say what I think of things out loud not only to detoxify.

Then maybe when the thrill of novelty subsided Brad asked me why don’t I blog. And when I said I don’t really find something to blog about he kept talking about a book he read and inspired him a lot. I found his talk inspiring but it didn’t really make me want to write. And when I didn’t write he started saying things about how this blog has nothing to say and it is all about me. And that I should start writing something of value.

Actually what he said got to me, I won’t deny that. He made this comment short after he related my value in life with this blog, something a friend will also do later, so if this blog has no value that meant he was telling me in the face you are of no value.

I kept on, value or no value I still needed that place to vent. I still needed people to tell me I am not alone. I still wanted to share the things no one knows about me. And then came a point when I thought I have shared too much. I discovered that this blog is the living evidence of most of the events of my life. I felt naked on national TV.! The bad naked, not the good sexy naked. I felt that people are pointing at the ugliness I shared. I felt ashamed. I kept blogging to minimum but I have always came back when there was no place else to go.

The feeling of invaluableness and shame was the main reason I lost the ability to write. Every time I think something is interesting enough to be shared here, I get held back by the feeling that this isn’t good enough.
I just keep coming back. It feels good to scream and ask for help here. It just feels safe.

It feels safe to take off the guards and tell the whole world that I have dreams, I want to live, and I need to be granted new chances.
It feels safe to admit mistakes, and analyze them. It feels safe to come crying over the spilled milk and it feels safe to admit that I am genuinely thought-less. I am stupid and I do the same mistakes over and over.
It feels safe to say that I know that whatever I have gone through is little compared to what others are going through. It is safe to say that this little has taken most of me. It feels safe to admit that I have a dark secret life that this blog only reflects some of its incidents.

It just feels safe. Thanks to you.


Om HAGAR said...

Dear Shaimaa,

I agree with you in some aspects & in others not.

Just as an advise from a sister if you would accept it, even with your nearest friends don't get out all your personal secrets keep it to yourself.

you may write it down on a diary on your PC or a paper diary & keep it in your drawer.

But never never share it as you don't know who is really good & who is not.

you don't know how the others may use these things about you.

and you may be hurted by these personal details.

But I'm not telling you to stop blogging. just keep blogging & writing about a lot of things but when you feel that you'll write about an extremly personal thing write it in your secret personal diary not on the blog & if you still want to share it on your blog just in brief words like "I'm desperate", "needs sharing & sympathy", "feels peaceful",.....

and just things like that.

I don't know if you'll like my advise or not but I wish you all the good in your life.

and keep blogging :)

Shimaa Gamal said...

Dear Om Hagar
Thank you very much for your advice.
It is really one of my problems that I share what might seem to be too much. But I never share all the details with anyone. I am like a puzzle. No one but me knows the all pieces.
The blog helped to relate some of the pieces but not all of them. It helped me to mainly trace the change that happened to me.

I am back to emails :) I email my real feelings to friends, but unlike the blog some friends don't really read what's between the lines or maybe they do and can't find a way to help me.

Thanks for the advice again, I will try sharing even more less. And I will try to keep blogging :)

Om HAGAR said...

Dear Shaimaa,

you are welcome at anytime & please conside me a friend of yours whenever you want to talk may be I could help.

And please please enjoy your life & live it happily & don't listen to the voices that might depress you :)