April 03, 2009

To Relieve Some ANGER


You know what hurt, that this is really now my only window to talk. It hurt because it seems that the only way I can let go off feelings is to write them down and publish them on a public blog on a hope that someone will read and understand.
It hurt to be trapped in self pity over a silly thing. It hurt to cry none stop and try to hide your face from your family because if they saw you crying they will just scream at you for being silly.

Actually what hurt is to feel hurt while knowing you are silly and still can’t help it.
It hurt to feel like a freak and still can’t find that kind hearted person who would see the good heart of the beast.
It hurt when people show understanding in the time they don’t really understand. And it hurt when you are a talkative person who can’t form a meaningful phrase to tell what you have in mind.
It hurt when you blame yourself for being hurt. It hurt that you are hurt in the time you shouldn’t.


Why can’t anyone get the simple idea that I know I am 30 yrs old. I know that I don’t have enough social exposure to get to know a person and get married.
I know that everyone else has a life. I know that if I made it to 50 yrs old I will be known as the old lady with the plants, unless I got cats, and I know that I might end up making front pages because of my tragic kill on the hand of a robber who knew that I am a lonely, vulnerable old lady.

I know that I will get sick and won’t find someone to fetch me medicine. I know my nights will be colder and my days will be longer.

I know that I am a waste to the economy because I don’t contribute to GDP by cooking for my family.

I know all these and I know more. I know I am a mess. And I don’t need to be reminded how much of a mess I am.

I know I am a mess, and I am so thankful for all the advices. I really appreciate the care. I am really grateful that God didn’t deal me bad cards. I am grateful I can afford unemployment and identity crisis. I am sincerely thankful for my blessings, the ones I can count and the ones I can’t.

So, I am thankful for being the mess I am. Whatever happens tomorrow is still unknown and I am the really optimistic person who wrote that darkness is light!

I am sick of feeling guilty for disappointing the many people who had hopes on me. I am sick of feeling that I am not showing enough appreciation. Because this is the best I can do. I am sick that I am not wise but that’s me.

Why it is so hard to understand that those advices and that sweet talking about how I am ruining my future really hurt? Why it is so hard to understand that I am done trying hard and I want to be taken the way I am?

Why it is so hard to understand the things I can’t say?


23 comments:

insomniac said...

honey, i know this anger, i know those feelings... i know all about hurting when you know you shouldn't and being mad at yourself for it....

i don't know what to tell you because i haven't figured out a way yet to stop all that from happening

rabena yehawenha!

Cesario said...

I think living up to what others call a life is a waste of time, even if something doesn't happen for you, that doesn't mean your life ends or that it will be that dark version you wrote. You should make what you want out of your own life, it won't be easy and it will be a road full of self doubt and questioning, but I believe it will all be worth it when you die with a smile on your face, as you know that you lived your life the way you wanted, the best way you knew how and even though it might not have been idealistic, it was realistic, fulfilling and satisfying.
I think each one of us waits for something to happen, some wait for marriage, others for a career, others for a challenge and so on. I think we wait too much thinking that when this happens that's when our life will start, but I think we shouldn't wait. We should just do the things we want when we want them as long as we're not hurting anybody including ourselves.
I don't really know you, but from your posts, you seem to be a great thinker and someone who appreciates purposeful individuality and these are very important qualities in a woman, so don't be so hard on yourselves and don't let others shape your future. Just be yourself and as Nike so simply puts it "Just Do It". Just live it as it comes and make something of it. That's life.

Shimaa Gamal said...

Amen Inso! I don't know why it comes or even how it goes. It is just like a chain reaction of little silly things all leading to this state of anger. Anger that feeds on more silly things and seem to be a die hard.

Thanks honey for your continuous support

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Cesario
I completely agree with you. Living up to someone else definition of life is a waste of time. Because at the end of the day we might really live a great life but it is nothing like what we dreamt off.
Self doubt and even losing identity sometime is part of human development.
Only those who dare to question the norms are those who are rewarded with the biggest wins.
I agree waiting isn't a strategy. I personally don't wait to things to happen. Actually I used to wait upon things to happen, I used to wish for things to happen, I used to pray for the Godot to come. Then I kind of stopped waiting. Because in a moment of clarity, I discovered that once waiting is on the menu that means the thing I am waiting for is on someone's else hands. Hence, waiting isn't one of my strategies now.
But how can you sell, the I will do whatever I want whenever I want to your parents? How can you defeat the experience factor? How can you not feel angry when in a friendly tone you are being reminded that others have gone down through the same road you chose and it doesn't lead to the promised land.
How can you sell the idea that it is not the promised land you are after, it is just the journey that you care about.

Thank yo very much for your encouraging words. And btw your latest post is really motivating.

LiL^OrioN said...

*hugz*

hey shima... somehow or rather, i'm feeling the same as you right now.

it doesn't help that whatever you do never seems to make your family happy, even when you've turn 360 degree change from your wild days to a more practising muslim.

people expect so much in return without realising they don't even give anything out.

all they ever do is just put you down with all the negative terms. and even when your friends look up to you, to them, you're nothing.

it hurts doesn't it?

but, i'm glad i have friends. friends who will love me, who will always be there for me, no matter what. =)

heads up dearie.. it's you life, and it's up to you what you make of it.

for me, as long as i do my part as His slave, i'm more than happy. their opinions of me does not matter, because He is the only true Judge. =)

marooned84 said...

There's nothing wrong with being silly, and marriage is so over-rated!

hope u'll get the negative feelings out of your system as soon as u can :)

Shimaa Gamal said...

My Dearest Haz
A couple of days ago I wrote a long email to a friend of mine and I remember I wrote something like he who has friends doesn't need shrinks :)
Regardless the ups and downs friends are a necessairy defense mechanism that keeps us rational in the time we strive for irrationality. I am glad to have my friends and to have my blog friends too.
You gave me a warm hug across contents :) This is more than enough to boost my mood.

Thanks dear for the support. *Kisses*

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Marooned

Not only marraige, lots of things in our lives are overrated.

I kissed the bad mood goodbye the moment I wrote these lines. I just can't form meaningful cheerful post to follow this one.

Thanks for stopping by

nourita said...

hey Shimaa
don't be that hard with yourself :(
if it can help :this is not only your case but the case of many many girls all over our beautiful Arabs countries....
see I’m 29 still single and I am reminded every now & then to follow the norms & the standard to be accepted by the others... to have a home ,husband, children & cook for them
It’s a pity...to know that you're denied the adulthood as long as you're single..
This the reality of things, the reality of how our families societies are perceiving things

Shimaa Gamal said...

My Dearest Nora
It is really a pity to be treated as an incomplete just because you are single and a woman.
I don't know why it is so hard for our families to understand what we have in mind. Even when they listen and seem to be understanding they act the opposite!
Maybe because this is how they are used to do things. I really hope if I ever got children to find a way to maintain a young mind. A mind open for change. A mind that feels what my inexperienced children are going through.

Thanks Honey
Kisses

P.S.
Blog Please :)))

Jerkulez said...

Ok the 'hurt', all need 's' appended at the end, now that we have that out of the way :)

I salute you for a brave post, where you spoke words i know that were not easy to say, to recall feelings you don't wish to recall, to have them down on paper...

Know your not alone, and that we all feel this way, some time or other; were we doubt our existence, our beneficiary effectiveness, or even our social awareness...but in all that we lose sight of what makes us beautiful! and these we need to remember more...

ibhog said...

I spotted your comments on Gjoez posts and FB status msgs, and how active you are, and I thought I should pay your space a visit.

Ok, your blog, is colorful, and from your posts, and your circle of friends, I definitely can say you're a lovely person.

One thing about being gloomy and depressed, is that it usually is temporary, because if it's not, earth wouldn't have made it that long.

I urge you to cheer up, embrace the good you have, accept the world as it is, because it's your world at the end.

I just have one note, about marriage and being single, I really think it's not overrated, actually I pretty much believe that's the very reason why most of us have bad times, because logically, if we weren't single, we won't have dull moments as these, and if we did, they'd be of a different flavor.

I'm glad I dropped by,

just cheer up, don't miss the spring :)

I will follow the feed :)

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello H
First the missing "s" has a story. The MS Word insists that there is no such word like "hurts". So after long consideration I though that maybe the MS Office people know better than me and I stopped using the word "hurts". This reflects my lack of confidence or simply that I am aware that the MS office English is better than mine ;)
I will try convincing the office though to stop marking it as WRONG.
Thanks for pointing it out :)

And thank you for calling the post "Brave" actually I have been thinking about it and I some how discovered that it is really easy to be brave on paper. I wouldn't have said half the things I wrote in this post over coffee with my best-est friends.

Your comments always cheer me up, thank you

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Ibhog
I am really flattered. And I am so happy that you thought this space worth visiting based on the few comments I leave on gjoe's blog. As for the facebook comments, these days I think the facebook is the only sign I am not brain dead yet :))) Commenting on interesting statuses is my new favorite activity :) And I wouldn't have such an activity without the bunch of really interesting persons like gjoe.

Well, now I am so cheered up :) I enjoyed a beautiful spring day with lots of "renga" ;) I hope you enjoyed you snack away from the smell ;)
And yes, the best thing about being gloomy is that it is temporary. And it is sort of necessary to feel down sometimes to really appreciate the blessing we have.
As for marriage, sometimes I think that maybe be if I was happily coupled with someone things wouldn't have been the same. Then I rememeber that loneliness isn't in numbers. And I ask myself one question what if I am still feeling the same sourness after getting married. What if I felt lonely sleeping in the warm bed I thought is the answer? And everytime this thought crosses my mind I get to the same conclusion. Marriage is overrated, and so is alone-ness. It is not the end of the world to be single and it is not the answer to every question to be married.



Thank you for visiting, commenting and following the feed. And thank you for the big smile you draw on my face by "I definitely can say you're a lovely person."

Good night

Wild at Heart said...

Honey when you're locked up behind the same door with someone whom your family somehow pushed you to marry, without love, without warmth, without security, without pride, without understanding, you will wish you had either stayed single or chose to live your life with someone who would provide you all of this.

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Wild at Heart
I know that being single would always be the wise choice unless I was lucky enough to find the person who would make a good company to a long tough road.
And it is not that my family use the old, movie like, approach of pushing. It is that they use the advice card, actually not only family but also friends who would always suggest that you should give the new "case" a try maybe it turns out to be good.
It is the multiple signs of desperation that I should deal with. The constant prayers from my grandma. The look in my father's eyes telling me that I will be old and alone.
I was angry because it is really out of my hand, I can't marry a la Egyptian, and no man that I knew saw the marriage material in me :)
All what I wanted is a little understanding, true understanding that it is really out of my hand and that they don't really need to be desperate because I am not.

I guess, I made my point to them this time. And it is truce till a further notice ;)

Thanks for passing by

Tadwina said...

مرحباً
لقد قام أحد المعجبين بمدونتك بإضافتها إلى تدوينة دوت كوم، بيت المدونات العربية.

قام فريق المحررين بمراجعة مدونتك و تصنيفها و تحرير بياناتها، حتى يتمكن زوار الموقع و محركات البحث من إيجادها و متابعتها.
يمكنك متابعة مدونتك على الرابط التالى:
http://www.tadwina.com/feed/350

يمكنك متابعة باقى مدونات تدوينة دوت كوم على الرابط التالى:
http://www.tadwina.com

لعمل أى تغييرات فى بيانات مدونتك أو لإقتراح مدونات أخرى لا تتردد فى الإتصال بنا من خلال الموقع.

و لكم جزيل الشكر،

فريق عمل تدوينة دوت كوم.
http://www.tadwina.com

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Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Anonymous

I am flattered you think it is nice and I am happy the title got you to read it till the end.

Thanks for passing by

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Shimaa Gamal said...

Thanks Anonymous for passing by :)
Good luck with your assignments

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