June 14, 2008
CC to the World!
I don’t really know where I should begin. If I said that I am not good with words probably you won’t believe me. I might be good with words when it comes to twisting facts into philosophical abstracts. I might be good at describing my silly feelings to people who won’t really care about it, or maybe I only pour my heart out to those who won’t relate. I felt muted when you asked me that question yet again. Who am I? Remember a little more than a year ago you asked me that very same question. I remember I felt exactly the same. I felt ideas rushing into my head and none could be turned into words. Not because I can’t find an answer but because I can’t afford answering such a question. I couldn’t afford answering it back then and I still can’t afford answering it now.
I can’t afford answering it because I am not sure if it is the right thing to do. So please this is my heart speaking, don’t pay much attention the only intension of this is to pour of the silly talk of a heart.
Whenever I close my eyes I see you. I see us in different situations. I see us in a kitchen cooking. I see us watching stars. I have always imagined those rides on the bicycle. I can close my eyes and see a long road surrounded by trees. It is daylight but it is shady because of the trees. Sometimes I am riding behind you and other times I infront of you. In both cases I know that this is the man I have been sleeping on his shoulder for the last year. I know he is my companion. He isn’t just the friend. It is deeper than friendship though friendship is already deep. And unlike sea it is warmer when you get deeper into the heart. I close my eyes and know exactly that this is what I have always wanted. You and I down a sunny yet shady road against the odds of time, places, people and even us.
I close my eyes and I know I am holding tight onto the man. I close my eyes and I know that I have everything I would need in that world. I close my eyes and I see my little heaven. I close my eyes and I know that the days to come will always be my better days and the only thing that would make them better is you.
Every night, I close my eyes and call your name. I keep telling you my stories. I say the things I would never dare telling you. I tell you how and why my heart ached today. I tell you what lies I told and why. I tell you that I have promised myself to never get hurt again. I tell you that I just can’t say it out loud. I can’t admit that I have had things in mind. I tell you that I have always wished that I was different that I have known from the very beginning that you would hate all those little things that makes me “me”. I knew you would have hated the extra use of hands in my talks; you would hate my repetitive falls into the dark well. I knew you would have hated my tendency to depend, my excessive leaning and my constant need for affection. I knew you would hate my weakness. I knew you spot the shell I hide behind. I knew that I didn’t deserve that heaven I longed for because I failed to change. I knew it will always be her, any other her, who would be less demanding, more confident. I knew that “she”, any she, will be a better option because she will be easier to shape. She won’t be having the heritage of 5000 years of being Egyptian. I knew that the other will always be a more appealing option because her heart won’t keep failing her.
I just knew. I know myself. I might not know you for long but I just knew. I knew that I am not what you needed though you are just what I need. I knew that being the person I am, I might not cleverly handle you. I saw points where we will both hurt each other. I will hurt you by my constant self-centered attitude. I knew you will hurt me because at times you would want me to take care of myself. I knew that I have been too ruined to be fixed. I knew you won’t give me the only thing I needed to be fixed, belief. I knew that the package isn’t that appealing to you.
I thought that time would fix it, the dreamy me told the silly me to let everything to time. And that in a couple of years maybe you would eventually discover the buried treasure and only then you would take the moving hands, the P’s, the complicated family, the broken heart, the scared soul along with the loud voice. But destiny didn’t give me as much time; in the time I have been dreaming about the uncertain future you have had other plans. And I found out that probably after these couple of years I thought you would need to discover if there deep under the layers of shit lays a shinning diamond that deserves to endure some shit. I found out that these couple of years will be all the time you would need to get deeply involved with someone else. Who is doing her “bestest” to keep you maintained. Someone who deserves to enjoy the sunset drives, the shopping sprees, the cooking, and the dreams.
Didn’t I tell you, I am just slow!
I am not sure what I am trying to say here. And I am not sure if whatever I am saying is making any sense. I don’t even know if I have answered the question.
You said you are not capable of love, so I decided to ask our common friend “wikipedia”, I found that unfortunately you are as someone called Zick Rubin said that love is constituted of three factors; attachment, caring and intimacy, The same three things that ties you to your “One”. So you are capable of love. Though I prefer what that other guy John Major said, the best sort of relationship involves both pints (of beer) and sex; a suboptimal relationship has only beer or sex; but love is what is left in the relationship once beer and sex are removed.
I don’t know if writing this was a good idea. And I am not sure if I didn’t act in an extra womanly way. You know when you ask a woman a direct question and she starts twisting things and use metaphors. Just in case you wondered, my direct answer will be you are you, my man with all the faces that the word could bear.
I am still not good with words. I could keep writing pages and I would never find a way to say what I really want to say.
Now my heart is done saying some of the little things it was keeping.
He asked me what made me want to share this with the whole world, I answered that maybe if I did it will feel fine.
I have been keeping hiding something, something that he once described as my love to someone that I don’t want to get attached to.
I thought that sharing some of the troubles buried in the little heart would make this troubles go away. Maybe this will dry the water that binds the quicksand.
I don’t know why I am sharing this with the world. I will just do it maybe the world will tell me why did I.