Something that needed to be said

It is 2.15 am and I have been crying for an hour. My plan was to read myself to sleep but instead I ended up crying myself to sleep. I am still choking on tears. And I don't know whether or not I can sleep tonight.

Why I am crying? Probably I ran out of friends. Well, I have plenty of friends. But I don't feel any of them has been understanding me recently. They are annoying. They are annoying with all their advices and tips. With all their sympathy and empathy. They are annoying because they are cold.

I know it is anger talk, but I am lonely. And I feel trapped. And I can't see a point in living ... really.

I don't want to work. I don't want to get married. I don't want to have kids. I am not even doing the things I used to do. I barely read. I stopped blogging. It takes a miracle to get me out to do anything. I am always short tempered. I am picking on fights with everyone. And i am crying myself to sleep.


I am drained. I am drained. I have no energy to explain how or why. I don't want to explain. I am just drained. And I can't wish to die because I don't want to die. I want to live. Really, all what I want is to live. But there is no point in living.

And I am lonely.

I am drained.

And people are dense.

I ran out of means of "self recharging".


There is no point in living

yet I am breathing!

People are really too dense I prefer being alone.
People are too dense I stopped telling them things.
People are really dense, they can't keep their advices to their own.

I am lonely, I am drained and I am crying myself to sleep.

Egypt: 12-12-12

Four years ago I wrote that chances that we get an “Islamic republic of Egypt” are next to null. It was so clear that the fight to get an “Islamic Egypt” is peaking and I took the side of believing in Egyptians. I chose to believe a myth about “Egyptian Religion Tolerance” which is something we say but any of us know it wasn’t true all the time.

Four years ago anyone would tell you Egypt is heading into the unknown at full speed. In late 2009 everyone would sense 2010 will be the year of “change”. And it wasn’t till late 2010 when the Tunisians decided to take down Ben Ali when my "La Révolution en Rouge" worries became real.

Egypt was about to explode and I had nothing to do. I told everyone I know that what’s going to happen is wrong. I went into denial believing that we have responsible government who would listen and act to serve the people. I am calling it denial because I have been talking about the signs of lack of governance. I was in denial because I knew the state was failing yet I “hoped” they will step up to the situation.

And then it happened. The “revolution” happened. The change everyone knew will come and no one dared to stop or control. In my humble opinion what happened in Jan25 2011 wasn’t a revolution. It was more of a televised coup, a coup that many sold as a move in favor of the rule of law, equality, justice and supposedly other good things.  It was nothing more a televised coup but people called it “public revolution” and theorized for the role of “innocent youth” and “un-politicized” masses.

Two years of theorizing for how “inspiring” the “peaceful revolution” was. Two years of circulating false readings to positions and political scene in the media and among “political elites”. Two years that got us to where we are now.

Where are we now?

At this very moment we are half step away from hell. Let me explain. Right now we have an “Islamist” president. A president who belongs to an “organization” that’s illegitimate, secret and armed! A president who took an oath to serve and protect a constitution then woke up one day deciding he won’t. A president who doesn’t respect law, and who said I am law and I am immune. A president who is now the executive, legislative and judiciary branches of state. A president who called his opposition traitors and sent the “militia” of his “secret” organization to kill them in front of his palace. a president who is fighting everything and everyone to get a constitution draft to referendum. A referendum that judges refused to supervise and the government has no idea how to organize.

A president who is doing his best so the people of Egypt submit to him and his organization. And whoever “thinks” this isn’t how things should be done has no place in this country.

This is where we are.

The televised coup succeed in being a “revolution” as it got rid of a said to be “autocratic” state and replaced it with an “autocratic” and “theocratic” one.

Right now, Egypt is being taken over by the “secret” organization. And I am not very optimistic about it.

The president with his “decree” attacked the “judiciary” and claimed it his. The judges are fighting for their independence. They are escalating into a full civil disobedience.

The referendum is still taking place, thought right now all signs show it will be rigged. Yet the “President” and his “organization” are still pushing to have it on time and one more time he issued more “God Powers” decrees to make the “referendum” happens.

The “president” and his “organization” are playing on time. They believe that people will give in to submission if held on to their places for long.

The “president” and his “organization” are playing the “sectarian” card. They are calling their opposition “Christians”. Not only they are threatening “minority rights” by their proposed constitution ( if we assumed Christians are a minority just for the sake of argument) but also they are calling in the majority to “act” on sectarian basis.

The “president” and his “organization” are also playing the “classes” card. They are calling their opposition “rich”. In a country with a troubled economy like Egypt and with no sign of improvement soon, they are calling for the poor to take things on their own hands. They are calling or maybe threatening a “hunger revolution” had the Egyptian didn’t submit to their will.

The judges are 1^st, then will come the turn for the army and every other thing in what used to be called Egypt. The Islamists will take down the state one institution after the other, and will “Islamize” the society one law after the other. And whoever thinks differently, will have the “militias” to deal with him.

The point is, in order for them to take down Egypt they will have to take down lots of Egyptians in the way. They will happily do it. And as they do it, in theory they will lose which will make their fall inevitable.

But in theory too, we will all be dead by the time they fall.

On that kiss of life ...

Him: I want one kiss

Her: *Silence*

Him: Seriously, all what I want is one kiss. I love you. I won’t ask for more. Just kiss me. One last time.

Her: No. I can’t. I won’t.

Him: Why?

Her: Because I want more. I want more than a kiss. I want kisses. I want hugs. I want sex … I want love!

Him: *Silence*

Her: I want more … I need more! I want to live. And you can’t offer me life.

Episodes of loneliness - On fading out

I can't remember how you smelled.

I can't remember what type of cigarettes you smoke.

I can't remember how your eyes looked gazing into mine.

I can't remember what you wore.

I can't remember how warm/ cold your hands were.

I can't remember how my hand felt in yours.

Your voice keeps fading in my mind I fear one day I won't be able to recognize it.

You are turning into a ghost of a memory.

I am scared ... Don't let me go.

Flashes from another life -1

S: (in tears) I don't want to die ...

H: (hugging her tightly) hushhh ...

A Serious Question

Why would a man get interested in "sleeping" with a "certain" woman?

Why?

Huston ... We have a Problem!

There are certain questions that signals that something is going wrong in your relationship.


Examples:

* But we are friends, aren't we?

If you got to the point of playing the "friendship" card this means you are not friends and one of you is trying to either set boundaries or claim rights.

* you love me, don't you?
If you feel like asking someone whether or not they love you, this might mean they don't.

* but you couldn't be possibly betraying me, no?

Chances are you have been betrayed and in denial.


What other questions do you think signals relationship troubles?

Dear You - Do it for me

The thing is I don't want a fling. I want to ask you to stay forever. But I am not sure we can do forever. I don't want you to runaway either.

I want you. I like you. I like us. I want us. I don't want it to be a fling and I can't ask you for forever.

Do it for me. Will you?

My Disney Princess

So last night, I asked my friends on twitter a question. Who is your favorite Disney princess and why?

I got some interesting answers. And instead of spamming the timelines of my friends with my answer I thought of sharing it here.

Belle is my favorite Disney princess. 

Let’s look at Belle, the young yet mature beyond her years. She is a book worm. She didn’t conform to her society’s expectations and she wished for an adventurous life. She is intelligent and brave. And when the time came she stepped up to save her father from the beast everyone feared.

Belle was a girl of character. She did what she believed should be done. And she loved that that no one else could possibly love. She had an eye that saw the good in the beast.

The love of her man didn’t make a princess out of her. It was through “their” mutual love to one another that both became prince and princess.

So, who is your favorite Disney princess and why?

Reality Check

Him: I don't like the new guy. He plays wrong tunes.

Her: He says he loves me. He says that the feelings he has for me is sure a form of love. But you know people say things they don't mean all the time. Again, why would he love me?

Him: That's why I tell you he plays the wrong tunes.

Her: Isn't that sort of sad? That I am not loveable? That when a guy says he loves me, then he must be lying. You know it is sort of heart breaking.

Him: It isn't that way ...

Her: It is ok. I am fine.

Sigh

I have you on best-est friends list.

I spend all my day thinking about you.

I occasionally get a ghost of you talking to me. 

I crazily miss you.

I feel I am completely worthless because I can't find one good reason for you to have interest in me.

I just miss you a lot and too frequent ... it is annoying. 

Why did you come into my life?

Why will you leave? 

Eventually you will ...

There isn't anything to stay for ...

There isn't anything that could be of interest ...

Why me? And why not me? 

I am not smart, I am not pretty, I am not successful ... I am a no one. 

And I miss you. 

The point is how would you ever realize that "no one" is missing you. 

Why did you come into my life? ..... Why did you leave?

One Last Time ... Again

She Said:

You know I have always wanted a serious relationship. I didn't want to know that much men. I wanted to marry my 1st guy. But he left me. Then came another one who left me too. Every time I thought it will be the last time. And every time they left because I wanted it to be serious and they were never "serious" enough.

I didn't want to know as much men. I didn't want to have a first or a last. I just wanted to have one man. But no man wanted me to be "the" one woman.

Maybe I should change perspective.

Maybe I should take the fling as long as I am always offered "flingship"

Or maybe I should redefine seriousness because my seriousness led me to no where.


But I don't want a fling. I get nothing but "flings". I don't want a fling. I want something stable. I want no worries. I want to take something for granted. I don't want to worry about how stupid I am. Or how anything I am doing might turn him off. I don't want to worry whether or not he thinks I am entertaining. I don't want to fear being complicated. I don't need to pretend being shallow or deep.

I want to be myself, I want to be safe and I want it to last long enough for it to be a fact of life not something I am not sure whether or not is real.

I don't want a fling.

But maybe I should give him a try. One last time.

The day I quit him is the day I will quit love ... forever.

One last time ... then I quit.

On The Wolf and The Little Girl

In the story there was a wolf, a little girl, a crowded village, and a forest. In the story the little girl lived in the village the wolf lived in the forest. Their roads shouldn’t have crossed if it weren’t for a basket of fruits.

Their roads somehow crossed. On the borders of the village lived the girl’s grandma. Her grandma’s backyard was nothing but the mighty forest. Everyday she held a fruit basket and went to her grandma's.

Everyday on the thin border line she stood to play.

The forest was the wolf's. The village was the people's. The deal was that none of them cross into the others world.

The little girl knew about the wolf.

The wolf wouldn’t care to know about the little girl. The village was full of girls like her, boys, men and women. The village was full of life while the forest was only full of him.

They met.

There at the very thin line between the village and the forest. They stood starring at one another.

For a moment it was like a dream. For the girl it was hard to believe that she is standing face to face with the wolf that the whole village talks about. For the wolf it was really strange that a little girl gets that close to him without being scared. After all he is the legendary wolf. Girls like her scream at the mere mention of him.

It wasn’t a dream and each had to decide what to do. Nobody was watching. The only thing the little girl feared was someone to see her with the wolf. Standing there she didn’t feel scared. She didn’t get why the people say all the horrible things about that wolf.

She felt safe. She only feared what people would say if they saw her with the wolf.

The wolf on the other hand had to take a more crucial decision. He was a wolf, the question was whether to act as a wolf or simply give in to the girl.

No one was watching. He decided not to be a wolf just for one night.

They played. The girl even gave him an apple out of her fruit basket. It was fun, again just like a dream. But then all of sudden he decided to leave.

Their secret meetings kept going on. He called her reckless because only a reckless little girl will show up every day to play with a wolf.

She gave him a fruit every time she saw him. The innocent little girl wasn’t reckless she was just safe in a way that she couldn’t explain.

With every fruit she gave the wolf he warned her that he is nothing but a wolf. And wolves eat little innocent girls.

And as she doesn’t seem to take the wolf’s warnings seriously, the wolf started showing her his paws and claws. He started showing her his sharp teeth. Every time he did that she ran home crying. She couldn't get why he insists to show off the beast in the time they both know he isn’t really a beast.

One day as they played the wolf decided to bite the girl’s arm, a bite that shook off the dream. He bit her and ran into the forest. His voice echoed, remember reckless I am a wolf, we eat little innocent girls we don’t play with them. You have been warned, repeatedly.

The girl never stopped going to the forest and he never stopped showing up for her. But they just don’t play.

She does nothing but waiting. He does nothing but watching.

And there they both stare at the thin border line between their two worlds.

FAQs - 1

Q: Why are you wasting your life?

A: I am not wasting my life. My Life is wasting me. 

Re-Posting: Completely Personal and Utterly Nonsense

Again, because names change but everything stays the same. 

A couple of months ago, I had a very nice conversation with my favorite ex of all time “HH”. About the things I’d rather be doing at that given point of time.

Well, before telling you about the details of that conversation I should first tell you about my year. This year I turned 31. And for the 1^st time in those 31 years I can proudly say that I have completely wasted a year. And it is not related to how I was designed to only see imperfections. I really wasted this year. I can’t remember I learned a new thing, I can’t remember that I have done something that I wanted. If there is one achievement in this whole year it will be that I kept breathing. I held on to life. I didn’t listen to the voices telling me that it isn’t really worth it. I survived nights of heavy breathing and I had faith to wake up in the time all what I really wanted is eternal sleeping.

The thing with being in that place when holding on to life is the biggest of all achievements is that people can’t understand you. No one would see how breathing, as simple as it sounds, could be a real challenge. They will start getting their magical solutions out of the clichés closet. Go out, get a new job, have a new hobby, shopping and the rest of the long list of what people believe are mood fixers.

But the thing is, it is not a mood. It is somewhere deep. Let me try to explain. I had a bad year; well I am having a bad year. And that was preceded by many bad years. A bad year was never a problem; a bad life is what every human should expect. No one said life is a piece of cake. Life is a tough journey up a very steep hill. But we keep going up for a reason. Every now and then we get things that motivate us to keep on the journey we discovered was lame when it was too late to go back.

But sometimes, for some people, and in this very case me. You get trapped in a place where there are no ways either up or down the hill. You can always try paving a new road, but you will eventually get to understand that regardless how hard you try and how successful you will get, the road you will pave won’t get you longer than two steps ahead. Then you will get back to the trap of nowhere to go. And in many cases after paving the road and walking the two steps you earned you find that they actually led you to where you started and the effort was actually a complete waste of time and energy. And that you will have to try again, and re-trust your now so un-trustable instincts and resources to pave a new road and risk ending up at the very same place again.

For some, this is the joy of life. Actually, even if there is no joy in it, it is how life goes. We don’t get to choose. But it is just exhausting and shopping, eating, new jobs and whatever the people tell you to do to get out of that corner won’t work. At a point all these fix tricks will be a burden too. People themselves will be a burden because you will have to wear a content face while they are around because without that face you will get the lectures, and sometimes the sympathy which both aren’t what you need. What you really need is your two steps up the hill. The two steps you deserve after working your best. Regardless that some people will keep telling you that you should try harder and whatever you are doing isn’t good enough because others are doing more. And because others are doing more and your best is never enough you end up in that place, trapped midway with no sign of direction. And there holding on to life is the best you can do. The greatest of all achievements after realizing that even holding onto life is a waste of energy and time.

So, I was talking with my favorite ex about my bad year. I didn’t tell him exactly that I am barely holding onto life and taking it one day at a time. But I told him that I want a little miracle to move me my two steps up the hill with no strings attached. And I told him about the things I’d rather be doing now. I’d rather be able to drive my car instead of my irrational fear of driving. I’d rather be dating a handsome man, someone who isn’t fat, bald and is sure intellectually interesting. I’d rather be in a relationship with a man who genuinely loves me instead of those who marginally loved me along other things.

I’d rather be entertained than being entertaining. I’d rather get back to finish my master’s degree and even I’d rather please my dad and get back to work.

But the question is will any of these make me happy. The real question should be, am I unhappy?

The answer is simple, regardless how unhappy my words are. I am a happy person. I am flexible enough to get satisfaction from little things. Let it be a smile from a stranger or a complement from an old friend. Little things make me happy. And because of the abundance of those little things I am a really happy person. And doing the things that I’d rather be doing won’t make me any happier. On the contrary many of them come with either guilt built-in or unbearable level of stress and complications. I am better off and happier without all the things I said I’d rather be doing.

Actually the reason behind thinking of these things I’d rather be doing was that I met someone new. He is completely different, maybe representing every opposite thing I stand for. Yet, we got along. One of the main reasons we got along easily is that our differences will never actually meet. The beauty of virtual relations is that everything is in hypothesis and for people who think arguments is a hobby hypothesis is really all what you need.

So my new virtual friend, and because he is completely not me, got me thinking about lots of things. One of these things was am I impressive? Actually it wasn’t completely him; it was a sequence of events that made me wonder whether or not I am impressive.

Let me confess something, I am not really a typical girl. I know that I look like millions of girls and I am sure millions might be smarter than me. But I am not typical. Things go in different paths in my mind and I know it. I just don’t confess it because people will think that I am either arrogant or stupid. But I believe that I am sort of untypical.

And being untypical should make me interesting. And interesting could easily lead to impressive. But I don’t seem to impress anyone. I don’t seem to be showing how untypical I am, and even the worse is that you might get the chance to deal 1^st hand with how untypical my mind can get and still that won’t interest you or in the least impress you.

I am sure that psychology has a term to describe a person who is self-centered and with huge ego issues. And that term will fit me best. But this is the way I am.

So back to being impressive, the things I told my ex that I’d rather be doing were the things I believe will make people see me more interesting. The fact that I don’t drive though having a car makes people see me as a coward, lazy and incapable person. Maybe if I was driving like everyone else I would have been more interesting.

Dating the intellectually interesting, un-fat, un-bald guy will make me more interesting too. And will make me impressive for many people. Actually getting a chance to date that guy means I am already interesting and impressive.

Work seems to be a huge issue for everyone. It is not important how I think, or what I believe. For people it is more important if I work for a multinational, international with whatever catchy name organization. Nothing else matters.

So according to the list of things I said I’d rather be doing to be interesting means I should be driving a nice car, I should have a job with a catchy name and I should be coupled up with someone who people will think is interesting and impressive too.

And then will come the question, does this make me impressive?

And the more important question why the Shimaa who is writing this isn’t interesting and impressive?

Why I should be doing things that I don’t really want to do, to get to people who won’t see whatever I am already doing?!

And then here we are back on the favorite square zero, all things said and all things done. My best is never enough, and I would have tried harder yet my hardest is never hard enough. I put myself out there knowing that there is no guarantee to have my two steps up the hill. But I try. And I proudly fail. And there is no shame in failure. And that’s why I try again and again but never with the same enthusiasm because a part of me is always lost in each trial.

There should be more to life than failing. There should be more to life than trying and falling back where you started. There should be magic. There should be rewards more than a stranger’s smile and a hidden complement. There should be more. Because if there isn’t more, I don’t know how long I can keep holding onto life. If there isn’t magic, it isn’t really worth living.

Pages from a Torn Diary - The Stab

October 12, 2009

So, this is one thing that I don’t think I will even be able to say.
The other women he knows and calls friends makes me feel like I am naked in a line up.
I am exposed, humilated and dumped.

I made it clear in many occasions that I don’t like him knowing as much women. He keeps calling them friends and he keeps choosing them over me.

I am exposed, humilated and dumped!

Letters to Him – 3

 Dear Him

I just want to fall in love with you.

I know that this is wrong. I know chances are that you will break my heart to pieces.

I know you don’t love me … yet!

But I want to fall in love with you. I want to make memories with you. I want to beat the world while you are by my side.

I want to be silly and soft. I want to do lots of things that all includes you.

I just want to fall in love with you ... 

So will you love me?

Letters to Him - 2

Dear Him, 




It is the fact that you are different that is making the whole thing worth the crazy stunts.


You are a life that I've dreamt of living!

X and Y - The Question

X: (breaking a long pause) now what?

Y: (hysterically sobbing) why didn't you love me? 

X: (silently gazing at her)

Y: (falling to the floor weeping*) 

* as she wept on the floor waiting for an answer that she knew will never get. she replayed every single incident of her life in her head. she realized that he did nothing different than what they all did. But she wanted him to be different. He wasn't different and since then her whole life have been falling apart.

Dear X

ما حدا بيعبى مطرحك بقلبى

Letters to Him - 1

Dear Him

The thing is, I'd need lots of talking. I’d want lots of little things that matters.

I’d have asked but I am not used to ask for things that people didn’t willingly offer to give.

Today's Advice

There is a very thin line between not wanting to live and wanting to die. Whatever happens, don't cross that line.




Hold On! 

A Step into a Fantasy

There was that moment, when she closed her eyes and laid back in the car seat as he drove her in the dark empty streets of their city. There was nothing but the sound of the music she loves filling the air and his scent.

If only time could be stopped.

“Are you happy?” he later asked her.

She wished she could find enough words to explain the overwhelmingly indescribable feelings she had at that moment. But instead like a little girl she stuttered in agreement.

Her heart and mind were still frozen on that moment, the fantasy that out of the blue came true.

She had always wanted to go on a ride with a nice man who would make her safe enough to close her eyes and enjoy the speed, the music & the scent of him. When she first had that fantasy she had someone in mind. But that someone never made her feel safe. He never played music and he was too shallow for her liking.

But him … he was different. He is nice. He is of substance enough to carry on an endless entertaining conversation. He could understand and argue her philosophical revelations and he had a great taste of music. He is also a good driver.

So in a moment she was face to face with a dream coming true. Mesmerizing, such a high that she wished she could keep fresh for years.

She wished she could hold his hand. She wished she could just ask him for a hug.

She wished this moment could last longer.

Or maybe she secretly wished he would last longer …

He is like a stone thrown into the stagnant lake of her life. He woke her up. He pulled her back into life. He made her feel young, capable and wanted. He made her feel all the things that she hasn’t been feeling in years. He made her want things. He even made her dream again.

She wanted him to stay … she wanted the potential she felt he holds to be real not only her desire. She wanted to go on endless rides. She wanted to have endless talks. She wanted the hug he promised will be there if she ever needed one. She wanted to share the things he said he wanted to do in his life.

She wanted in …

She can’t tell exactly what or why …

But she wanted in …

But that is another fantasy … who knows whether or not it will ever come true.

Because in real life. The right things, the right time and the right person are totally different than our dreams.

Dear You

Here is the thing. Maybe I never closed my eyes to imagine me in a wedding dress next to you. I stopped dreaming of wearing that dress long time ago. But you know the places I have always wanted to go? The clothes I have been waiting to wear? The adventures that I have been reluctant to try? The whole life I have been wanting to live? I wanted to have them all with you!

On holding those lines …

There is a fact that most people ignore, the worst time of your life will always be the right now. Whatever bad you are going through won’t sound as bad later because somehow you will find a way. 

Somehow life will manage to throw you a bigger load of misery. And you know what, you will long for the good old days. The good old days that was never that good. Or you might be smart and long for tomorrow that your heart hopes will be better than the misery you are living today. But when tomorrow comes holding & failing all types of promises you realize there is always a catch. And life is in part misery as much as it is in part joy.

The point is, the worst of your times is always today. The best of your times is always today too.  

Deal with it!

Confessions – Is that much?

I have been trying to sugar coat my thoughts for a while. I have to admit that posting anything to this blog is turning to be a walk in a mine field. Whatever I write pisses someone off. I don’t like pissing the people I care about off, I am losing the skill of sugar coating and I don’t know how to walk in a mine field without having one exploding in my face.

Yet, this very thought needs to get out of my brain. I will take the chances and just do what I used to do. Spill it out and pretend it is to the void. Maybe, this time no mines will explode.

So, and without any further wasting of your precious time, I think by now most of you know that I have love problems.

Somehow, I was never lucky in love. As if I intentionally pick the wrong men. Because I am sure there are right men out there (Though right now my mind keeps telling me that they are all the same)

I used the term unlucky to try to spare you the long talk about how much of a loser I am, because as you know, I like to take all the blame. I don’t believe in luck. People make their own lucks. So when you are unlucky it simply means you are doing things wrong.

To cut a long story short, my men’s problem seemed to be marriage. All of them believed that I wanted to marry them. And the thought of marrying me was too scary.

They enjoyed the entertainment phase. I can be entertaining. But whenever the idea of a long-term/ serious relation appeared they simply disappeared.

Well, trying to walk a mile in their shoes. Maybe they had every right to be scared. I am scary! I am too much to be handled. I am emotionally messed up. Experts write articles to advise people to not to marry people like me.

Because, apparently, people like me are emotionally unhealthy. People like me will end up bringing all their issues into the relationship. And no sane person would like to marry into that!

But I won’t blame the wise people warning the human kind of emotionally crippled people. Because, you know, they have a point.

You can’t blame luck for your failures as much as you can’t blame wise people for stating the obvious.

But before I lose point and before you jump to the conclusion that I am just another girl who can’t find a husband.

This isn’t about how or why my men ran away from me because they assumed I wanted to marry them (which was true in most of the cases). It is more about the shape of the relationship I am currently looking for.

A friend once asked me couple of years ago what exactly do I need in a relationship. I said all what I need is safe company. I want a man who would spend part of his day communicating with me. Texting is fine, emails are ok, if he thought of calling this will be very good. A call every other week would be appreciated too.  Every now and then I would love to be dined and wined and an annual escape to enjoy total exclusivity.

There is also a level on intimacy that I would like to have fulfilled.

Safe company is all what I am asking for. And by safe I mean I want a guarantee that he will be there the next morning and that I don’t have to worry about other women or other things taking my place.

Just a level of commitment that tells me I am not just an entertainment. Is that much?

I didn’t ask for marriage. All what I asked for is, a daily communication of whatever sort, an occasional outing to enjoy the company and if possible a once a year one week vacation.

Nothing more …

Is that too much?