Random Messages - 16

I am his match and he knows it yet he chose not to be with me.

Random Messages - 15

All what I ever wanted  is not to be one of the sad stories ..

The S thing

You know why it didn't work with S?

It is neither the fact that he was married nor the fact that he comes from a totally different social background. And it isn't that it was a rebound and rebounds rarely work by definition.

The S thing didn't work because I never really wanted it to work.

The thing is, I miss him sometimes. I even miss him more than I miss H. I miss how street smart he is, I miss the stories he told me and I surely miss how he made me feel. S was never ashamed of being mesmerized whenever I was around. He always looked in awe, he always listened carefully, he made sure to make me feel like a far star that he was so lucky to reach.


Yet I don't miss the burden being with him put on me.

The burden of being with him was so heavy. It wasn't easy to escape him and maintain the relationship within the "safe distance". He wanted us to be "official", he wanted us to act as a couple and that meant not only that we tell our common friends about our relationship but also to decide on the sex question.

I wasn't ready for any of these. I didn't want to be official with him, I didn't want to decide on the sex question. I only wanted him to keep making me feel good.

I wanted to be loved till I am healed.

I tell everyone that he left, he didn't. I pushed him away.

In part I wanted to test how deep was his love. I wanted him to stick to me regardless what I said or did. But he didn't. He left.

I never admit how much the S thing broke my heart. It was like adding insult to injury. I was sure he will stick around, my instincts told me he loves me and my brain told me that as long as I was out of his league he will never risk losing me.

He lost me anyway! And I lost with him whatever I had left of self confidence.

Later I asked him why did he stop loving me and he answered he never stopped.

He said that he loves me but he had to step back because he didn't have anything to offer me.

He is right, all what I wanted was to be loved till I am healed. And unconditional love isn't something that everyone can offer.


All what I need is to be loved till I am healed.

Random Messages - 14

He knows ...

I will never admit!

Let the dance begin

Random Messages - 13

Dear Him

Did I break your heart?

Deadlocks!

He once said that I never really tried to know who he really was and I settled for falling in love with what I have imagined him to be.
What he said was harsh, yet true. I never really knew him. I knew enough of him though. I knew whatever he let me know. The "he let me know part" is arguable but that won't change the fact that he was right. In part I was in love with my imagination of him.

This fact leads us to another fact that he won't probably admit. He too never cared to know me. I could dare to say he never even tried. He too knew enough of me. He knew enough not to love me, he knew enough not to care to know more about me, or maybe he knew enough to stir the relationship exactly where he wanted it to be. I will never know what he knew about me or what he really had in mind because I never really knew who he really is.

A deadlock?

A repeated deadlock!

What he said, how I feel and how it ended is the story of my life.

No one really cares to know me, and I never really know anything more than what they let me know. I end up loving the imagination of them, they walk away, I never really know why they did ... and I repeat.

Random Messages - 12

Dear Him

I want to hide in you!

Random Messages - 11

Dear him,


You can't fix me, I am not broken!

Take me or leave me!

Love

Random Messages - 10

Is it destiny to always have less than what it takes?

Random Messages - 9

I eventually win.

I know that all what I ever needed was to wait, work a little harder and wait again.

It always worked. Yet by the time I eventually win I am usually way too exhausted.

By the time I get the things I worked too hard to get and waited to long to see, I don't really have the energy to enjoy neither them nor the joy of accomplishment.

Yet, I keep doing it.

I will always win, regardless how irrelevant it will eventually be.

Random Messages - 8

He makes me feel young and capable.

And this is sad in ways that shouldn't be explained.

Random Messages - 7

Loving you is EXHAUSTING! 

Random Messages - 6

Dear Him,

I love you. Yet I know it is never going to work.

And you know what, it is totally ok.

I love you, It isn't going to work and I am ok with it. I hope you too are! 

Random Messages - 5

I am just lonely. It has become the new norm.
It is just like a huge monster is crushing my heart mercilessly.

I keep breathing. I keep doing what I always do. I keep looking around for friends, I keep writing, I keep making a fool of myself, I keep begging for things I know no one wants to give me, and I keep getting shut off.

I am at a point where I don't know exactly what's crushing my heart more, loneliness or the constant rejection. I don't know which is worse, having things to say & no one to listen to, or just pouring those things in random ears anyway.

I am lonely .. I miss having someone to talk with. I miss having someone who listens to my crazy ideas, someone who will listen to the same old story till I get to the new moral.

I am lonely .. and I don't really know how to undo this. 

Random Messages - 4

Dear him

In case you ever wondered what happened and why did I have to leave the way I did. 

I couldn't tolerate how you treat me anymore. And it isn't how you treat me, treat me in general. It is how you treat the female in me.

My dear, you are demeaning!

Everything you do, everything you say and every way you try to fix what the things you said & did, is demeaning. 

You panic! The moment you feel like I might be interested in you, you panic. And your panic is demeaning. You constantly put me in a position to defend myself and deny that I have feelings for you and this is demeaning.

Why is it demeaning I had to use the word too much?

Because I do have feelings for you! 

Because you have been the happy thought that gets me through my lonely nights.

Because at a moment you were my light at the end of the first tunnel

Because all of the above never meant I would ever want a relationship with you.

Wanna know why?

Because I deserve way more than what you have to offer.

Because I want more than a casual grey relationship

Because I need a man not a ghost and I need to feel loved and appreciated not just an on call sex buddy. 

Dear him, 

I have feelings for you yet I never wanted a relationship. And every time you panic at the idea that I might be wanting a relationship a part of me dies. 

I might be loving you, but I love myself more .. I had to leave.

Random Messages - 3

But none of them really knew me .. None of them cared to do.

Random Messages -2

Dear him

I love you. But you make me feel bad about myself. 

This has to end!

On Wait

People come around. They will all eventually do. Those who argued your political views, those who disagreed with your opinions. They always come around. There is always a moment when they confess that you were right. There is always a day when they preach the things you preached. And they will want the things you wanted years before. They will eventually pursue the relationships they declined, they will show the love you desperately needed.

People will eventually come around, and all what you have to do is wait on them to do.

Yet wait is the most expensive option as life might not wait on you.

Random Messages – 1

Dear Him

I hate you around my period! 

At 1^st I thought it was a mere coincidence then I realized that my feelings for you are as cyclical as my hormones. I like you and I take your shit happily then the hormone logic starts kicking in, and the more it kicks the more you become intolerable!

I hate you! I sincerely hate you! I can’t even breathe because you exist in my world. I want to surgically remove you from my life.

I hate you! Your mere existence pisses me off.

I’d pick up fights, I start contemplating scenarios of cutting you off. I try to keep it down yet sometimes it slips and you see glimpse of the anger … of the hate.

I hate you around my period! And this is a bad sign. 

On Leaps of Faith (Again!)

There is a point in your life when you just stop "leaping", not out of fear or hesitance, But you stop taking leaps because you know better, you have been there and you have done that.

There is a point in your life where you can tell the difference between faith and delusion.

There is a point of your life when the only "wise" thing to do is to stop trying.

Will you do the wise thing and risk standing still, or will you keep moving on and take the "delusional" leap?

Leagues

A male friend of mine likes a female friend. I told him repeatedly that he isn't her type and he keeps asking what her type is then.

What I didn't tell my friend was the fact that girl is way out of his league. She is perfect and he is a mess.

The fact that he doesn't see how much of a mess he is or how perfect she is, is why he will always live with a broken heart and why she will never find true love.

She is perfect, she is out of the average man's league. Yet she always end up with some average man who would hurt her in process of trying to prove he isn't as average as he is and truly deserves a trophy woman such as her.

While he is an average guy who is overestimating himself and believes he deserves nothing less than her perfection.

Life is a cruel place!

Friends and Self Confidence

I am going through an episode of lack of self-confidence. I have been going through it for a while. I can’t really tell when it started, but I know it started small and right now I am suffocating with feeling incompetent.

Let’s first start by stating that usually I am a highly confident person, some would call me arrogant. But I don’t fit the definition of arrogant, I am just confident. The said confidence got shaken repeatedly. I won’t call my life generally a failure, but my love life definitely is. And my love life has been the major source of self-confidence shakes.

With each man and each failure I lost a piece of my self-confidence.  “H” left me totally defeated. I tried rebounding after him but the rebounds added insult to injury. So, for the 1^st time in my life I decided that being single is fine, and not looking is fine. I meet interesting men and I dare not like them, and if I ever liked any of them I dare not show it. I just like them from afar and enjoy the crush till it fades.

I thought that would leave whatever left of my self-confidence safe but little did I know. My self-confidence got deeply shaken because of male friends.

For every time a male friend decides to emotionally approach a girl, all what comes to my mind is why not me. I know friends are friends. I know I never think of them this way, but I just can’t help it.

Why them not me?

And my male friends start listing the things they like about other girls, and I start remembering the things they don’t like about me. And everything comes back to the surface. Everything … Ahmed’s mother, HH’s games, Mohammed’s betrayal, Brad’s turn offs list and even the 5^th and 6^th October incidents with Sameh.

It all hits me in the face.

I am just a friend to them because they never liked me the other way, and though I never liked them the other way it somehow deeply hurts me.

I know I am lonely, I feel defeated. My dry season has been going on since forever. I know I shouldn’t let these feelings get to me. And I know I am risking losing my male friends because of the said episode.

And knowing all these, especially the last fact that probably I am going to lose my male friends because of my feelings, doesn’t make it any better.

I am self-confidence- less.

Well, maybe I have some left, because I managed to write my feelings down and I risked sharing them with the world.

I am having an episode and I don’t know how to help myself out of it.

A Kindly Reminder

Just in case you ever wondered whether or not he cared. The answer is always that he never cared.

Live with it. #KeepSwimming

The Boyfriend Hunt

It was 2005 or maybe 2006 when I decided to be proactive and ask my friends to help me land a decent man. I was desperate and devastated. Before that date I never really had a serious steady relationship, all what I had were men chasing me and two semi "real" relationships.
So I wrote a long "Ad" with the title "Hiring". I listed facts about myself, and the traits I am looking for in a man. I also designated a part to explain why I am in need of such a man. I wrote "I needed a full time friend and I explained how lonely I get and how exhausting it is to live in a world full of men wanting to jump into a girl's pants.
My friends' reactions were disappointing. None of them took me seriously, at least no one I know of, few girls replied that they wish they can write something similar and one replied that she wants in because she is looking for the same thing.
As for the male friends, most of them ignored the message totally and those who replied asked me to stop being silly because I don't need to ask for it, it will happen when it is meant to be. Only one said that he dare not set me up with any of his friends because he fears the consequences on our friendship had the relationship with the guy he chooses fails.

10 years later, I am still at the same point. I am still looking for a decent man and I am still hoping for a serious steady relationship. Up to this moment, none of the men I call Ex are really Ex's. I never had a relationship with any of them. The maximum I had with any of them was a period of intense feelings from my side, a date or two and then he walks away. So, I am old enough to admit that I never had a boyfriend. I never had a real relationship.

I am 36 yrs old and I am looking for a decent man to be my full time friend. Someone to take me the way I am, to love me as much as he can and to stay past the 1st argument and calls after the 1st date.


I don't think I am that appalling and there must be someone out there who shares the same thinking.

I want a relationship, I have been wanting a relationship for the last 10 years. I must be doing something wrong because I am still at the same point. I still get my heart broken because the men I like never like me back, I still get friendzoned, I still get defeated by other women. I am still lonely. And loneliness crushes my heart so hard sometimes.


P.S.
I am sick of having friends who just tag along in wanting to post an Ad like the beautiful one I wrote.

A Thought on Happiness

We shouldn’t really cling to our happy moments. We should enjoy them while they last. We shouldn’t yearn for them. We shouldn’t spend the rest of our lives trying to re-feel the happy feeling.

Happy is as unique as every moment is.

The sky is way too high!

There was a time when I wished for a healthy relationship. I remember the time when I saw marriage as a feasible goal. 

Then things never worked. I kept shoving bits of my wishes and trimming parts of goals, I just realized that right now all what I wish for is for someone to like me back. And all my goals revolve about meeting the said person more than once.

Guess what! Even this seems way too hard to get!

Milestones

Remember when I wrote that I didn’t like my options?

I remember the time when I decided to give up. I gave up my job, I gave up my dreams. I gave up lots of my appetite for living.

Nothing seemed to work. So I decided not to exert any more efforts. I decided to stay where I was.

And I also remember when he posted a job vacancy. A job that might be considered trivial by many. It was a part time job, a work from home job. He wanted someone to assist him in doing a research for a new book he was planning to write.

I was never more hesitant than that night looking at that Ad. It looked as if it was tailored for me, all he wanted was someone who is an avid reader, and thorough researcher. Both are things that I do on daily basis, and I have done extended researches in my post-graduate studies. Yet I hesitated a lot. I didn’t have enough confidence. I feared that he won’t find me fit for that job.

I applied anyway, I decided not to put real hopes on getting it and convinced myself that I have nothing to lose.

I won!

I got the job. And for little less than a year, I wrote daily reports of my finding and my comments on them. I enjoyed insightful discussion.

For less than a year, I did something that I loved and I got paid for doing it.

Then he gave me my fairytale. He offered me a job as a writer!

Lots of girls spend their childhoods dreaming of prince charming, I spent my childhood and most of my adulthood dreaming of being given such opportunity exactly the way it was offered.

The night he made the offer, was literally the best day in my life. I don’t remember that I ever jumped and danced while unable to resist crying out of joy.

Then he died. I still can’t process that. If I was ever asked to name loss, I think I will say Mom and him. I have no other names that could fit the definition of loss.

He got me out of my dark place.

He gave me the best night of my life, he gave me a chance to enjoy little victories. He gave me life, even if some will say that I am holding on to an illusion. But I will enjoy my illusion while it lasts.

When I was dancing with joy celebrating the best night in my life, I looked around me to find someone who would be as happy for me. I had to wait for my sister to share the news and dance for a few minutes before she fell asleep.

With every little victory, I look around me and search for someone to celebrate with.

My childhood dream always had someone beside me, a man, a lover, a husband who cares and celebrates. But I got the dream sans the man.

And it is totally fine.

At first I felt lonely, sometimes I still do. But I will be such an ungrateful person if I said I have no one who cares and celebrates.

I am surrounded by a loving family, and a huge network of loyal friends.

I am really grateful to have people like them in my life. And I will never trade such love and care with a love of a man.

Today is one of those days that can be considered a little victory. And I am writing this to make sure that you know, all of you … each and every one of you. People who have spent time reading my drafts and correcting them. People who have heard me nag for hours, people who comforted me when I was down. People who encouraged me to keep going.  People who loved me unconditionally through years.

I am not going to name names, each and every one of you knows exactly what she/ he has been doing. I want you to know that I am really grateful. And there is nothing that I can say or do to thank you enough.

I am blessed I have you.

And if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have reached the 100 articles mark.

Thank you!

Anger Management

I am angry. I am too angry I can't even put it in words.

Reasons?

Life?!

I will be such an ungrateful brat if I said life is bad. I am actually living some of my best days regardless all the minor inconviences.

And those "minor" inconviences are pushing me to the edge. I contemplate death a lot just to escape those "minor" inconviences.

Then my uncle set me up with someone. Which translates to عمي جابلي عريس.
I met him just to avoid the drama. But I didnt, dad gave me one of my worst days ever.
Then it didnt end. He apparently likes me, and i pushed him away twice. I am trying to be nice and considerate of his fucking emotions.

He makes me angry.

He is unfit. He isn't a match. And I don't have a match.

I should live with it. And everyone else should too.

I am angry. I am surrounded by seriously annoying people. No one takes a fucken hint!
No one fucken listens.

And yes .. live with it. Liking me won't make me like you back. Mother fucker!

Yes I am having high days. I am happy and you are ruining my happiness.

You are making me angry! Too angry I think I should kill myself to escape you and the anger.

Status Update!

I really miss blogging! 

You would think that a bi-weekly article will keep my "need to write" satisfied. But it isn’t really the case. I can’t pour my heart out in an article. I should always keep a part of the heart out of the mix. For many reasons, sticking to a certain form of language is one, writing for a critical diversified audience is another.

While writing an article, I have to make sure doesn’t fall under the vanity show category. And I have to stay “politically” and “socially” correct.

I am trying to write things of value. I am not sure whether it is working or not, but at least I am trying.

Blogging something else! 

I couldn’t see the difference before. But it is totally different. This is my “Personal Space” hence “Vanity” is not only expected but it is widely accepted.

I can whine as much as I want. I can brag as much as I can.

Which leads us to the point of this post!

I am BUSY!

Too busy that I have to schedule showers.

Too busy that I write the bi-weekly articles on the edge of deadline every single week.

Too busy to talk to friends, to go out, to “live”.

I am too busy I can’t even tell whether being that busy is a good thing or a bad thing.

Also I have been single for quite a while now. I haven’t had a date in around a year. And I haven’t had a man declaring his “interest” for that long too.

I am not sure whether it is a good thing or not. Sometimes I feel it is ok, other times I end up sobbing out of loneliness pain.

Yet for an unknown reason, part of the confident Shimaa is back. I am not trembling as I remember I was. Which means some people will think I am arrogant, others will find me obnoxious. It also means that I am hurting people I love by being so “decisive” in my judgments of their poor selves!

I am not sure whether it is a good thing or not.

Anyway, If you are reading this and you have been hurt with my “Busy-ness” or my new “Confident” “intolerant” attitude. I sincerely apologize. Last year has been really overwhelming and I am terribly exhausted.

The “attitude” isn’t intentional. I am just tired.

Love

On being a Cling

Hello world!

I miss writing in English as much as I miss writing about myself.
I feel like I have lost my touch. I am not pouring as much feelings & dark thoughts into writing as I used to do.

Anyway, as I have been single for quiet sometime now. And no one even thought of asking me out on a date in almost a year. Also I noticed that the moment I start flirting with anyone is the moment he makes sure to make it clear that he isn't up for a relationship.

So I thought there must be something totally off about me.

Maybe that I am putting on weight or age or even acne scars! Maybe I am losing my sense of humor. Or even worse I have become too senstive to be dealt with.

Actually, there are plenty of reasons that could scare them away but I think I know the one and only reason that makes me such a turn off.

Clinging!

Do I cling?

I don't think so, yet I might be giving signs that I am up to a serious relationship. And that I might be having expecatations. I might even want to get married. Not to mention the viriginty thing and the no sex without marriage rule.

Well .. if i were a man i would have been turned off. Why would I ask someone who have expectations of a decent healthy relationship out! Why would I get close to a virgin who won't lose her virginity without a ring?!

There is no good reason to take such risks.

They have every right to be scared!

*Sigh*