November 19, 2008

About the Carrot

Remember a couple of weeks ago I marked a day for cutting a finger while cutting a carrot because I was thinking of someone and something. I marked the day and didn’t really plan to talk about it.
It isn’t as serious as it sounds; I wasn’t drowned in a thought to the extent that I have forgotten the sharp knife in my hand. Actually I was aware of both the knife and the carrot. And the thought was supposed to be another silly thought but some how it led to rage, which led to me being unaware of the amount of pressure I am exerting on the knife hence the nasty cut.
He is a friend of mine, a dear friend of mine. Among my friends he is the newest, though I have known him for almost 3 years now. He is new compared to people I have known for at least 20 years yet he is dearest.
I wasn’t thinking of how he made it to my top friends list. I wasn’t actually thinking of him. I was thinking of something silly that I can’t remember and I thought of sharing it with him. I automatically grabbed my mobile phone to txt him and as I wrote that silly thing the thought crossed my mind. Things for the last 3 years have been going in the same way. I bug him and he keeps me company. I tease him and he keeps me company. I never stop being pushy and he never stops keeping me company.
I thought what if I was pushing my limits? What if I wasn’t but he suddenly became unavailable? What if he got married? What if things changed as it always do and I don’t have him to keep me company?

I don’t remember when I started depending on him that much. I know how we met, how this friendship was bonded but I don’t know when he became the most reliable line of defense. Maybe it is because the others, literally, fled away. They relocated to the four corners of the world. (I even doubt I have friends on other planets!) Or maybe it is because he has an eye for the unseen things. He always remembers little details, which is one of the things that made him win many parts in my heart that many people couldn’t. Actually he won those many parts of my heart by many things not only by having an eye for details but mainly because he is flawless. He is a little bit stubborn but this was never a flaw.
It might be a logical thing to depend on a flawless person, but depending on him wasn’t really the thought that led to the scar on my thumb.
It was the thought that I might be abusing my friend by this dependence what made me furious. And it was the thought that he is too polite to ask me to stop that made my mind freeze.
I put the phone down in a try to stop abusing my friend and I got back to the kitchen to finish dicing my carrots. But it seems that I couldn’t control my anger as I controlled my silliness, even if temporarily, hence the injured finger.


Frustrated said...

O.k, I think you can feel how he thinks in a clear way!! if he considered you his best friend really, then you don't have to worry my is always a pleasure for a friend to care about his / her friend at any time. In fact it will make him feel sad if you throw your worries and pain on someone else! This makes someone else closer to you than him!! this is the trick of friendship:D

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Frustrated
You know I have a rule dealing with people in general not only friends. I never ask for something that if I was asked to do I won't be doing. And I never do something if done to me I would get irritated. Yet still I bet there are people out there who think I ask for things I am not supposed to ask for and do things they would never dare to do.
Ok, I will be long but I kind of want to talk :) so please bear with me.
I have this friend, he is my friend's husband. Once he was telling me a story about a friend of his and he said, I am her friend but she is not my friend. And when I asked him to elaborate, he said that he is her best friend, she turns to him in almost everything in her life but he doesn't do the same. He has others as his best friends and for him she is just a friend.
So, what if sometimes I am not the best friend, or even the friend I think I am. What if he is on the top of my list and I am not even on this list. What if I come last? What if I depended too much in the time he didn't really want me to depend and he is again too polite to turn me down?

Anyway, it might be just my mood. I have this awful feeling of guilt. I feel that I have been a horrible daughter, horrible sister and a horrible friend.

Thanks dear for your supporting words.

Frustrated said...

Here comes the sense my dear!! I am certain that every one of us can definitely know who others feel about him /her!! and any thing other than this is either one is fooling him/herself or simply ignoring the truth out of "istihbal"!! may be that friend your friend's husband talked about is one of those. All what you have to do to relief yourself is just to stay with yourself for few minutes to know the answer, if the answer was "yes", he too considered me his best friend, then go ahead & free yourself from this feeling of guilt:)