Life is a bitch. that was how the infamous Mr. HH commented on my feelings. For those who don’t know my brother’s best friend died last Thursday. He was only 23 years old. He didn’t die out of illness or out of natural causes. He was killed in combat with a drug dealer. He was a police officer. He died bravely leaving behind him lots of people wondering about many things.
I believe that his death is a test for many of us who knew him, a test of faith. Such incidents test the core of the faith. Unfortunately most of us occasionally fail such tests. Only few really thankfully accept God’s will.
From where I see things I believe that Mr. HH’s comment is a failure to that test. We are not supposed to blame life because life has nothing to do with it. Life isn’t really guilty of his death, actually life isn’t guilty of any one’s death and life isn’t guilty of any of the bad things that occur. The same way it is not the cause of any of the good things that happen to us.
Life in my belief is just another creature, just a medium God created to test us. Only God is capable of life and death. Only God gives. And whatever God gives us is good. Even what we think is bad is only for our own good. We fail when we fail to believe that we are just creatures of God. He created us so that we worship him. And to worship him we should always praise him in all cases, in better and in worse.
My feelings weren’t only about the loss of someone I have always looked at as younger brother. Some how I managed to praise God, pray, cry and pray again. Some how I managed saying “see you”. He isn’t gone as people might think. He is just some where we can’t directly communicate. Actually, another thing that I don’t tell people, in my belief life is just a dream. Nothing is really real. The real life is the after life, and God said that when we will be asked how much did we live; we will all answer a day or some of a day. And when we will be asked how much we have been dead, we will give the same answer. Time is something that we only feel because we live in this medium called life. Once it ends, we won’t even remember what time was. So, we will all be meeting him (and all our beloved ones) soon regardless how long this dream will take us.
My feelings were also about how I functioned or, if that matter malfunctioned as a sister. For those who don’t know, I have lost my mother to cancer in 1994. So since that I have always liked to view myself as the good elder sister. It seems that Sameh was right pointing out some narcissist deficiencies in my character because that belief has been proved wrong last Thursday. Actually, it wasn’t only what happened last Thursday that proved that I am not the good sister I have always wanted to be and thought I am. It was just the straw that broke the Camel’s back.
My relation with my brother is strong. Or at least I believe it is. I love him like crazy and he loves me back. When mom died he was just that little boy. Actually my failure to function as an elder sister started that day. I remember that we were staying at my grandma’s. We were sleeping on the same bed, and I woke up on my aunts discussing if I am old enough to go attend the funeral and the burial and everything. I slightly opened my eyes, I saw one of my aunts all in black and the other still holding me thinking I am asleep and fighting with the one in black that we are too young for this and she’s better be gone before we wake up. Actually I believe that my nerves of steel started developing that day. I kept pretending that I am asleep, and I didn’t move till I felt that my little brother is moving only then I got up and my aunts told us you mother is dead.
So, what would you expect the one who thinks of herself a good elder sister to do? Guess what?! I shouted at the little in shock boy telling him, mom died. Don’t cry, we are not supposed to cry because God will punish her if we did. I didn’t hold him though I wanted, but I didn’t cry too. I maintained my nerves of steel, I don’t even remember if I ever took care of him. I didn’t know how to show him love because I thought it would be silly. And honestly I didn’t know if my nerves of steel would have survived any emotional move.
Life went on in the last 14 years, I remember one night we were out in a walk and I discovered that I am not holding the hands of a little boy anymore. And that he has become a man. And that he isn’t depending on me and I am the one who is really depending on him.
I can’t claim that I have contributed by any means in that change, unless feeding him counts. And he was going to be fed anyways. So, I can’t claim that I have supported him. It maybe something related to the fact that I don’t keep memories (good or bad. But I certainly remember that I was all bossy and that I could have been a better sister. I could have strengthened our relation. I would have insisted to be his friend, but I was busy being bossy and thinking of maintaining a house an enough job. But the truth is when I failed being his friend I counted on others to be. I counted on his bond with my sister and I counted on his friends (among them the one who died). I counted on others to take care of my brother thinking that I am doing a good job.
And now, when his friend died I added one more failure to my list of failures. I kept waiting for him all day planning to give him a hug, or at least try to show support & love. When he finally returned back home, I again thought it would be silly doing it. And again I acted the same way I acted when my mother died. I acted as if nothing happened.
He is acting strong, out of faith and out of being him. But I can’t stop blaming myself from not supporting my brother in such a situation. Actually the real problem is, I didn’t really know what to do to support him. I never knew, and I think I would never know. I am just a bad sister who has been thinking she was a good one.
I just love him too much. I love him more than anything in this world.
But who said love is enough?!