November 14, 2008

On Being a Sister!!

This picture represents me, my sister and my brother. My sister always said that she is pooh, I am Eeyore ang my brother Tigger. I couldn’t find a better family picture!!

Life is a bitch. that was how the infamous Mr. HH commented on my feelings. For those who don’t know my brother’s best friend died last Thursday. He was only 23 years old. He didn’t die out of illness or out of natural causes. He was killed in combat with a drug dealer. He was a police officer. He died bravely leaving behind him lots of people wondering about many things.

I believe that his death is a test for many of us who knew him, a test of faith. Such incidents test the core of the faith. Unfortunately most of us occasionally fail such tests. Only few really thankfully accept God’s will.

From where I see things I believe that Mr. HH’s comment is a failure to that test. We are not supposed to blame life because life has nothing to do with it. Life isn’t really guilty of his death, actually life isn’t guilty of any one’s death and life isn’t guilty of any of the bad things that occur. The same way it is not the cause of any of the good things that happen to us.

Life in my belief is just another creature, just a medium God created to test us. Only God is capable of life and death. Only God gives. And whatever God gives us is good. Even what we think is bad is only for our own good. We fail when we fail to believe that we are just creatures of God. He created us so that we worship him. And to worship him we should always praise him in all cases, in better and in worse.

My feelings weren’t only about the loss of someone I have always looked at as younger brother. Some how I managed to praise God, pray, cry and pray again. Some how I managed saying “see you”. He isn’t gone as people might think. He is just some where we can’t directly communicate. Actually, another thing that I don’t tell people, in my belief life is just a dream. Nothing is really real. The real life is the after life, and God said that when we will be asked how much did we live; we will all answer a day or some of a day. And when we will be asked how much we have been dead, we will give the same answer. Time is something that we only feel because we live in this medium called life. Once it ends, we won’t even remember what time was. So, we will all be meeting him (and all our beloved ones) soon regardless how long this dream will take us.

My feelings were also about how I functioned or, if that matter malfunctioned as a sister. For those who don’t know, I have lost my mother to cancer in 1994. So since that I have always liked to view myself as the good elder sister. It seems that Sameh was right pointing out some narcissist deficiencies in my character because that belief has been proved wrong last Thursday. Actually, it wasn’t only what happened last Thursday that proved that I am not the good sister I have always wanted to be and thought I am. It was just the straw that broke the Camel’s back.

My relation with my brother is strong. Or at least I believe it is. I love him like crazy and he loves me back. When mom died he was just that little boy. Actually my failure to function as an elder sister started that day. I remember that we were staying at my grandma’s. We were sleeping on the same bed, and I woke up on my aunts discussing if I am old enough to go attend the funeral and the burial and everything. I slightly opened my eyes, I saw one of my aunts all in black and the other still holding me thinking I am asleep and fighting with the one in black that we are too young for this and she’s better be gone before we wake up. Actually I believe that my nerves of steel started developing that day. I kept pretending that I am asleep, and I didn’t move till I felt that my little brother is moving only then I got up and my aunts told us you mother is dead.

So, what would you expect the one who thinks of herself a good elder sister to do? Guess what?! I shouted at the little in shock boy telling him, mom died. Don’t cry, we are not supposed to cry because God will punish her if we did. I didn’t hold him though I wanted, but I didn’t cry too. I maintained my nerves of steel, I don’t even remember if I ever took care of him. I didn’t know how to show him love because I thought it would be silly. And honestly I didn’t know if my nerves of steel would have survived any emotional move.

Life went on in the last 14 years, I remember one night we were out in a walk and I discovered that I am not holding the hands of a little boy anymore. And that he has become a man. And that he isn’t depending on me and I am the one who is really depending on him.

I can’t claim that I have contributed by any means in that change, unless feeding him counts. And he was going to be fed anyways. So, I can’t claim that I have supported him. It maybe something related to the fact that I don’t keep memories (good or bad. But I certainly remember that I was all bossy and that I could have been a better sister. I could have strengthened our relation. I would have insisted to be his friend, but I was busy being bossy and thinking of maintaining a house an enough job. But the truth is when I failed being his friend I counted on others to be. I counted on his bond with my sister and I counted on his friends (among them the one who died). I counted on others to take care of my brother thinking that I am doing a good job.

And now, when his friend died I added one more failure to my list of failures. I kept waiting for him all day planning to give him a hug, or at least try to show support & love. When he finally returned back home, I again thought it would be silly doing it. And again I acted the same way I acted when my mother died. I acted as if nothing happened.

He is acting strong, out of faith and out of being him. But I can’t stop blaming myself from not supporting my brother in such a situation. Actually the real problem is, I didn’t really know what to do to support him. I never knew, and I think I would never know. I am just a bad sister who has been thinking she was a good one.

I just love him too much. I love him more than anything in this world.

But who said love is enough?!


Anonymous said...

failures and losses are god's way of teaching humans how to appreciate what they have. When you lost your mother you should have showed your brother that you love him more, but it's never too late to show that. A hug or a kiss is worth more than a thousand words, there's nothing that you need to say. You can sit down with him someday and tell him how you feel towards him, tell him how much you love him, admit that you failed to play the mother's role, admit that you thought as a child that you were responsible for him. Be honest to yourself and to him, open a communication channel with him, depending on how bad he feels towards you, it may take sometime for him to speak up, but listen to him, if he says what's in his heart you wont like what he says but you have to bear with it, listen to him and don't try to defend yourself and you'll see how simple things can be solved, and how good your relation can be afterwards. Your relation with your brother will grow stronger with time.
I had the same problem with my brother previously, due to family issues (not appropriate to be mentioned now), my father was away from home most of the time, and my mom raised up in way that created two persons of extreme personalities. Me, the very tough and aggressive person, the guy who'd pick up a fight with anyone for no reason, but hiding behind that shell lies a very weak and emotional person who'd never show it to anyone. And my brother who was too passive person watching me fighting with my mother and with everyone all the time, he used to be scared watching me fight people twice my size at school, trying to protect him, because my mother gave me the responsibilty of watching over him when she wasn't around.
He started to hate me after a while for the person that I showed, not the person that I was but he never said anything, until came a day when he came back all bruised and with a missing tooth and a scar on his face that he still carries until this day. I got up and got dressed quickly and had my steel cap boot on getting ready to cick the living shit out of that guy, but my brother stood up in my way for the first time in his life and told me that he was sick of me, sick of things that I did, sick of me trying to be his guardian angel, and that he'd take another beating from me but he wont let me go and lay a hand on the guy, I didn't really understand what he was doing and how he was trying to protect the guy who beat him...He wasn't, but he just didn't want me to take part in it. It broke my heart for the first time for I thought that I did all that for him and no one else. That was when I decided to open my heart for him, to cut a long story short, I told him that it was me who needed him beside me, I told him that I was growing older and sick of fighting the whole world like a ram.
What he said afterwards made me feel guilty even more but at least we became the best friends afterwards, now I lie down with him sitting beside me hugging me and I cry. Yes I do cry on his shoulder knowing that he's the only one who really cares for me in the whole world, just speak to him, just tell him that you're sorry and you've down many worng things to him, because you loved him.
sorry for the long post I prefer to go anonymous on this one but maybe soe day you'll know who I am.

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Anonymous
Thank you for sharing, it is always good to know that someone have gone through something similar and there will always be a way out.

And I am not sure if I can ever pose that issue. I am not sure if I will ever be able to tell him that I believe I messed up.
I am not sure because of the very same reason that makes me refrain from showing emotions in certain sitiuations.
I am too weak to do. I was scared that If I hugged him I would lose control and instead of being a support I will be another burden, another person that he will have to calm.
Back then when my mother died, I was too scared to cry. I was too scared to be a burden, to lose control and fall.
All what I had in mind was to keep my sister and brother safe from the interventions of the whole world.
I think of myself as a strong person, but what if I am not. What if instead of giving him a shoulder to cry on I started crying? What if my nerves aren't really made of steel?

What if I mess things up more if I tried to fix them? What if it is all in my head as almost every other thing in life? What if I awakened an old hurt?

What if I am really as bad as I think I am, though I talked with my sister about it and she said that I am just having another episode of me being silly and emotional, what if there is no way to make it up for him?
What If??!!

I hope one day I will get to know who you are :)

Thank you very much for your words

Only Love said...

Hello Shi sadekty :)

you are a very nice and kind person shimaa and I don't think ever that all these feeling's are for a bad sister at all. sometimes we really feel a great deep love for the close people to our hearts but we can't express it with the right way and I'm one of those people but I'm sure that one day those people will know how much we love them and would sacrifice our life for them any time.

just smile and carry one your life with hope and happiness coz this is life and we have to carry on no matter what ever happens.

you are a great kind sister and you will always be sweety :)

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello my sweetest Noona

Thanks honey for your sweet words, I hope I am as good as you think I am.

I miss you

haz_orion said...

dearest shima, do know that you are the best sister in his life, whether he realises it or not. i wish i could have an elder sister like you.

sometimes, when it comes to family, it's always hard to open up. it's because it's FAMILY. it's that BOND. sometimes you love them too much, and sometimes you just can't stand that. it's always a love-hate relationship. okay, maybe not hate. haha!

it's funny that the people we love, are always the people we take for granted. =(

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Haz
You are right, it is always tricky with family. It is tricky to open up and it is trickier to hide.
You are a great sister yourself, I consider you my younger sister and I believe you are doing a great job with your family and you know what, I believe they know you are even though they might be showing the opposite :)

Thanks for your words my dear