February 08, 2008

Simple Wishes


I guess it is obvious that I am having a big crash. I am denying it, I am resisting it but it is taking over me. I cry when no body is looking, and there is no one to look. I just hope this crash will go soon. I won’t stand staying in the darkness of the deep well for long.
I was joking with a friend of mine yesterday and I ended up crying. He didn’t say anything wrong. He was joking as we always do. It was the same old jokes and the same old laughs. I just burst out in tears. I can’t remember the joke but it was something about men and women. He said something about the things I wanted. And that was when I remembered how our simplest wishes are the hardest to happen. I even remembered my aunt’s advice about lighting candles to saint Antonio may be these wishes will come true.
May be Saint Antonio is my only way to find a man who will kiss the forehead not the lips, who will hug me because he misses me, who will think that may be I am not a woman who worth dying for but I might be a woman who worth keeping his word for. May be Saint Antonio can do the miracle of discovering the different man who thinks with the brain up his head. May be saint Antonio can do the miracle of making a commitment material out of the mistress material I currently am. May be Saint Antonio is different, may be he can keep a promise, fulfill a wish or at least say no I can’t do.
I wish … yes I wish
I wish for a kiss on the forehead
I wish for a fulfilled promise
I wish for a sincere hug
I wish, I wish, I wish …
I wish for honesty, I am sick of lies.

P.S.
I feel empty. I can't write.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Look no further, the power is in you, unless you find it within you saint Antonio is useless. you can light all the candles you want, a million candle wouldn't do the trick.
for the only one that can make a commitment material out of you is you and raise the bar, cuz men and I'm one don't mind a woman who are not forcing commitment on them,
I wouldn't take saints who are fighting demons seriously cuz there are no such things, and believing that will only prolong the agony and our delusions of the others, for the only demons in existence are the one we make.
I sure feel you are going through pain and I truly wish you see the light of hope,
get over the hurdles of emotions,
and be well.

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Anonymous
I know you are right; Saint Antonio won’t do me any good. I know the answer is within but sometimes pain prevents us of seeing the obvious answer.
The thing is I don’t know anymore if it is right to acknowledge the pain. Is it wise to pretend that there is nothing wrong? I don’t know if it is right to admit that a part in me still had hopes. I don’t know if it is acceptable to admit that I lied about my expectations.
I used to be hurt for being a fool. Now I am not a fool but yet I am still hurt.
It is a long story but bottom line, it hurts. It really hurts.
Thanks for cheering me up.

Shimaa

mahmood said...

SHIMAA, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT (The thing is I don’t know anymore if it is right to acknowledge the pain. Is it wise to pretend that there is nothing wrong?)
You must acknoledge everything other wise it would be a chronic state of denials, and smart girl like you must face it, you need to regain your self esteem in order to do that, it might take a while but it's better late than never and it's worth it.
p.s. actually the anonymous thing was due to hiting the wrong key,

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Mahmood
It is so nice to find out that the anonymous is you. I don’t really know what to say. A friend of mine told me a couple of days ago that the only thing that changed about me in the last three years was that I have become stronger. I started taking things in my hand so that I won’t get hurt. The thing is, she was right in most of what she said. I started taking things in my hand in order to save myself going down the road of pain. But the truth is, I ended up with pretty much the same result. It is still painful. I don’t want to feel that pain. I am not supposed to feel any pain. I should be indifferent. This is what I wanted.
Anyway, thanks for cheering me up and lighting a candle in my dark well.
I will be back to myself soon, or at least I hope so.

Thanks again

Shimaa

mahmood said...

I know you will, next time the result will be to your liking just don't give up.
and what's up with the dark well..!
come out it's almost spring time.. cheer up.

Shimaa Gamal said...

:) 7ader

Thanks alot :)

Té la mà Maria - Reus said...

very good blof, congratulations
regard from Catalonia Spain
thank you

Shimaa Gamal said...

Té la mà Maria - Reus
Thank you very much for passing by. I am so happy you liked my blog.
My Best wishes