Episodes of Loneliness (2 )– The “H” Syndrome

He was always the choice of coincidence as he was always the best alternate plan. He is always the choice of pressure as he is always available. He was the choice of the little girl and he is the “Christopher Columbus” of the woman. He was the first and he is the last and he was always in-between.
Things started with him, he was the first point in the first circle. Things always end with him as he is the iteration condition, the only point of tangency between the interrelated circles that form my life.
He was the choice of the little girl as he always looked like prince charming. He was tall, he was fit and he had such a marvelous French accent. He smelled good, dressed good and acted with manners. He was smart, ambitious and an engineer. He was everything the little girl wished for.
He was the choice of coincidence as he was the only available alternative. He met the prince charming definition at the time no one else was even close to the standard. He was th e best escape plan for the little girl. She wanted a fairy tale. And a fairy tale he promised. He was her first. He was her first liar. He was her first scam. He was her first devil, her first kiss, and her first bite of the forbidden fruit.
He is my famous “H”. He is the shadow that darkened my life. He is my sin that was never forgiven. He is the rock, the river and the stream. He is the vicious cursed maze that took over my life one spring day. I got in and I couldn’t find my way out. I am cursed to move in circles that start with him and end with him. He is the executioner and it is my blood that keeps me attached to him.
Ever since I have known him 5 years ago I have always ended with him. I have left him once then again then fell in love then got back to him then back to love ending by falling back into his awaiting hands, then off to a new light that passed by too fast to find myself again in his ruthless hands.
He was always my choice of pressure as he has always been my happy pill. He always knew how to make me feel wanted, how to make me feel beautiful and how to play the right sexy buttons on me. He had always known his way. He got a picture of my mind engraved on the back of his hand. He walks in, knowing all the right places. He knows how to manipulate the soul and deceive the mind.
I never knew how to fight his influence. I never knew how to keep him off. Regardless how hard I try, I always end up lonely. And regardless how hard I try I always end up with him.
I am lonely and he was my only choice. I am lonely and I can’t let him go. I have lived too long in the dark; I have lost my way to the shinning sun.

I can’t breathe. I can’t think.

Confessions - 1

I discovered that sometimes my feelings get lost in the figures of speech. When Brad asked me how I see him in my life. I kept trying to put it into a philosophical way. I wanted to impress the poet, I don’t really know if I have done that consciously, but I discovered that while trying to impress the poet I have failed to communicate my thoughts.
I failed to say you are my rope of hope.

Dark Secrets - 3

I discovered that my problem is that I have always buried the woman in the time I should have buried the little girl. My problem is that I am still keeping the box labeled fairies, and I still wish upon the stars. The problem is that I still believe that the wolf is my kind old grandma. I discovered that the real problem is that I am still the little girl regardless how hard I try.

I once asked a friend of mine if he thinks I was naïve. He replied in astonishment, no way. You are not naïve by any means. He then asked me to define naïve. I replied naïve is being stupid. He corrected me saying that the proper definition for naïve is being stupid in an innocent way. He then elaborated saying that I was never stupid, you are just innocent.
As the time passed, and after 9 years of asking that question. It pops up one more time into my mind. Am I naïve? Am I stupid in an innocent way? 9 years ago I wasn’t stupid but I was innocent and as I grew up innocence faded but seems as it faded stupidity bolded.
After nine years here I am finding the right answer for the question. I am not naïve. I am just stupid.

Q.E.D

Current Thought – Anna Nichole Smith

She was a sex icon; she was the fuel feeding the fire of the sex industry. She was the model many women opted to be and she was the woman every man dreamed to have.
It was a surprise reading the blonde’s diary. She confessed that she hated sex. She hated how her men cared about nothing but sex, in the time she wanted the little things.
That blonde had hit the jackpot of philosophy. She hated sex and made a whole industry use her as a sex icon.
She was just a girl who needed love in the time the whole world was too horny to acknowledge her feelings.
She wrote “I hate sex.”
Amen!!!

The Spider

As I wave farewell to the year 2007 I decided it is just about time to get back to the job market. Ten months are more than enough as a break. I didn’t meet the unemployment definition for the last ten months as I wasn’t willing to work, now as I am writing these words I finally met the definition. I am capable, willing and searching for a job.
Being back into the job hunting race doesn’t mean being desperate, I am still picky and I am taking things as easy as I can. I don’t want to fall in the old trap. A trouble free job is the position I am seeking, nothing worth hypertension.

Job hunting is a thrill that I enjoyed feeling again. Interviews are the best part I like about job hunting. I like wearing the professional look, the professional smile and the professional handshake. I like being arrogant and showing off skills without being blamed for doing so.
That was what I exactly planned the other day as I wore my professional look, professional smile and professional handshake heading towards the well known advertising company. I was already flattered to get to the interview phase, not because I wasn’t qualified for the job but because the company has a policy not to recruit veiled females. I was flattered that my modest skills and experiences got me an interview regardless the fact that I am veiled.
By the time I had my last interview, 5 years ago, it was customary to go at least 5 minutes before your appointment, which was the thing I did. But I found out that I have to wait for more than an hour as the head of the company, who will interview me, is busy because some mistake in his schedule.
I enjoyed the exploration, and the comments. Then it was finally my time. I made sure I am wearing the smile, and gave the guy the confident handshake as I introduced myself. I was prepared to answer whatever questions he’s got but surprisingly enough I couldn’t answer his question as his question was “WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?”.
Honestly, I reacted simultaneously. I laughed. And when he asked me why am I laughing I answered that it wasn’t the kind of question I was expecting. He said that in his company they ask about everything even shoe size. And that was when the woman kicked in and replied 38. He smiled repeating the zodiac sign question again.
Knowing that I am a Leo, the guy seemed to be so interested in me. He said that female Leos are the softest females. That was the fact that he built on that females of my generation are completely treated unfairly by the men of our generation and that “I” should date men his age, as men his age, which is only 15 years older, knows how to treat a lady.
In a try to direct him to my professional experience and answering a question about what do I think of myself as a person, I told him that I think I was a shark in my past job. He liked the description as that was more than what he signed for a lioness who happens to be a shark a work. He concluded the interview by writing a big “OK” on the papers that sums me up then he walked me to the door.

I wasn’t sure how should I feel at that moment. Should I feel happy I got the job, or should I feel disgusted I had such an interview. As I was waiting patiently for my ride to arrive I decided that it is pure disgust that I feel. And in a hopeless try to get over my negative feeling I started evaluating the shark description. Am I really a shark?
I was surprised that when I thought it over, I discovered that I hope to be a shark but the truth is I am far of being one. I am not vicious by nature; I don’t attack without a reason. And I don’t like blood.
I have had my share of fights at work, I have had my share of bossing people around and I have had things done my way in many times. I was ruthless but always out of defense, given that attacks are the first line of defense. And this doesn’t make me a shark. I discovered that I am more like a spider than a shark.
I crawl in unnoticed. I sew a web with my name on every thread. I mark every inch as mine with the threads. Till one day, all unnoticed, the place is mine.
When I left, there was a “Shimaa” gap. I left my print on every single file the company had, I had my print on every single operation the company took. I had my sign on the kitchen, on the walls and even the noise had my sign. I went in unnoticed and when I left the whole company was my marked territory.
I was a spider crawling into my mother’s shoes. When she died no one would think I could ever fill in. no one noticed me crawling in. no one cared to check the little signs the threads on my web left. In 14 years I knitted the perfect web. I maintained the family; I am running the house with no clear date to mark as the day I stepped in.
I didn’t have an anniversary to celebrate in any of my relations. There was never a clear date to mark the start of the relation as I have always crawled in unnoticed. None of them noticed me coming. They all woke up on the suffocating fact that they are marked as mine. They enjoyed the tickles of the little spider; they never expected the web to be a territory marker. The never related the fact that my unconditional love meant that they are mine the same way I am theirs.
The amazing thing that my men, my ex’s, have reacted the same way my ex boss and my family reacted to my spider web technique. They all freaked out.
First was my family with the territory fights. My dad by the “I am not your husband to try to control me”. My brother and sister by the “we are not your son and daughter to expect us to obey”.
Then it was my boss’s turn to escape the vicious web by his attempt to create a new position superior to me.
And finally my fleeing men who did what their instincts as men dictated them to do. They ran for their lives. Manifesting the spider technique one of the ex’s screamed in a sincere talk the other night saying “for God’s sake, you need a superman”.
When I couldn’t get his point about the superman he elaborated that I scare my men away. And that I have freaked him out more than once. He asked me about the reason he broke up with me the first time, I answered because you are just a playboy. He said sure I am, but that wasn’t the reason. He said that a playboy won’t break up with a girl just because he got a kiss. He said that a kiss was the least he wanted. He continued that the real reason he broke up with me was the way I reacted after the kiss. Or the place he woke up after the kiss to find himself in. he said that I was everywhere, I was in his dreams, in his mail, in his phone, in his friends. I was literally everywhere. I suffocated him. And that was the only reason he ran away the first time. And it was the reason each single man ran away.

Am I really a spider?

I Am Finally Back :)

So, Finally I got my laptop fixed. I felt as if I was trapped on a desserted island. I lost communication with the world :)
I discovered that it is too hard to grab a pen and write after getting used to type. But though I tried my best to record my thoughts.
I missed blogging so till I start typing my own ideas I thought of sharing this with you. My good friend Amany sent it to me this morning

I miss you all

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Don't ever sell yourself short, ladies...
In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said "Yes." She began to expound... "As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?" The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life. " He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man. I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a help mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself. When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You are asking a lot." "She replied, "I'm worth a lot." Send this to every woman who's worth a lot....

Out Of Service

My Laptop is dead, I am sorry for being away and I am sorry I will be off for some more time till I get back intouch with the world :(

I miss Blogging

One Year Of Blogging

I was checking my profile and I discovered that it has been a year since I started blogging. I don’t feel a year is a long time and I don’t really have much to say. But I am really thankful for the man who suggested I should have a blog. I am so thankful for everyone who spare some of his precious time to check my thought-less thoughts. I am so thankful for those who heard my silent screams. I am so thankful for the new friends I made on the blog-sphere. I am not going to celebrate the one year of blogging as there isn’t yet anything to celebrate but I would like to dedicate that friend of mine who sparked the idea these few words.

My dearest S

You are the best thing that happened to me in the last two years. I kept re-writing long pages about how much I appreciate you in my life. How much I appreciate this friendship. I couldn’t find something that would show my appreciation and I don’t think I have the talent to write the proper words.
I go through the over 1800 SMS’s and I smile. You have always made my days. You have always been there for me. I close my eyes and I remember how many times I called you crying and how many times you made me smile. I remember how you always said that we are different mind sets. I remember our first meeting, the DVD’s enclosed in the books. The best birthday celebration I ever had and the hugest birthday present I ever had.
I remember how much you hated my persistence to give you something for valentine. I remember that you suggested celebrating the anniversary of the 1st contact instead.
I am so thankful that you are always there to catch me every time I fall.

It has been time when I felt that I am cursed; now I am sure I am the luckiest person in the world. I have you by my side. I have the only flawless person in this world as a friend.
I have the wise mind & the sincere heart. I have you.

Thanks for everything.

Love always
Shimaa

P.S. 3ayez eh fi el Valentine LOL

Open Discussion

Hello all

I have had some ideas buzzing in my mind and I thought of discussing them over here.
I would like to know your personal views regarding the following:

First: the social classes in Egypt.
What are the characteristics of each class and its sub classes?

Second: do men really love?
If they do, can a man harm his woman out of this love?
e.g a man feeling jealous, or helpless so he pushes his woman away.

I will be waiting for feedbacks

Thanks in advance.

Shimaa Gamal

Dark Secrets – 2

I am someone who got bound to a rock and thrown in a wild river. I am drowning with no hope of survival. I am fighting but I go no where but the bottom of that river. It is the current that decides where I go. It is the rock that decides how deep I dive. The only thing I can do is to save my breath on the hope that a trespasser will come and lend me a hand.
He is the rock, the river, the stream & the trespasser. I am trapped for what seems like eternity. I fight, I float but I can't lose the rock. I am drowning and he is the rock, the river, the stream and the help.


Help!!!

Someone cut the chain please!

Picture: Andromeda exposed to the sea-monster (1869) Paul Gustave Doré