On Blogging

When I started blogging, I started with no aim but finding a space to rant and a way to detoxify.

I was writing the things that bothered me, and when emailing friends failed to cure the wounds. Blogging seemed to help. Blogging became even handier when my first and last forum experience failed. Writing in a forum for the first time I was really amazed by discovering the advantage writing give me in a debate. When I write I have enough time to think and organize my thoughts. The thoughts that provoked a lot of people, and as a result I decided that it’s better to be the one and only who put the rules and the one and only to follow them. As one of the forum administrators, who is an old collage colleague, thought that only what he thinks is right is right. And that the rules are his to interpret.

I still used the blog mainly to vent that’s why most of the posts are too personal and too depressing. The blog became my new best friend. The safe place I think of whenever I face something that I can’t directly deal with.
But between complaining about my family and dreaming about Brad I blogged about other aspects of life. I found that blogging gives me a way to say what I think of things out loud not only to detoxify.

Then maybe when the thrill of novelty subsided Brad asked me why don’t I blog. And when I said I don’t really find something to blog about he kept talking about a book he read and inspired him a lot. I found his talk inspiring but it didn’t really make me want to write. And when I didn’t write he started saying things about how this blog has nothing to say and it is all about me. And that I should start writing something of value.

Actually what he said got to me, I won’t deny that. He made this comment short after he related my value in life with this blog, something a friend will also do later, so if this blog has no value that meant he was telling me in the face you are of no value.

I kept on, value or no value I still needed that place to vent. I still needed people to tell me I am not alone. I still wanted to share the things no one knows about me. And then came a point when I thought I have shared too much. I discovered that this blog is the living evidence of most of the events of my life. I felt naked on national TV.! The bad naked, not the good sexy naked. I felt that people are pointing at the ugliness I shared. I felt ashamed. I kept blogging to minimum but I have always came back when there was no place else to go.

The feeling of invaluableness and shame was the main reason I lost the ability to write. Every time I think something is interesting enough to be shared here, I get held back by the feeling that this isn’t good enough.
I just keep coming back. It feels good to scream and ask for help here. It just feels safe.

It feels safe to take off the guards and tell the whole world that I have dreams, I want to live, and I need to be granted new chances.
It feels safe to admit mistakes, and analyze them. It feels safe to come crying over the spilled milk and it feels safe to admit that I am genuinely thought-less. I am stupid and I do the same mistakes over and over.
It feels safe to say that I know that whatever I have gone through is little compared to what others are going through. It is safe to say that this little has taken most of me. It feels safe to admit that I have a dark secret life that this blog only reflects some of its incidents.

It just feels safe. Thanks to you.

Inspired by the Facebook Quiz Mania :)

Shimaa Gamal took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! ""Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing envi..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Shimaa Gamal's Existing Situation

Needs excitement and constant stimulation. Willingly participates in activities that are thrilling and offer adventure.

Shimaa Gamal's Stress Sources

"His stubbornness and will-power has become weakened due to current difficulties. Feels overworked and emotionally drain; as if all her work is for nothing and she is getting nowhere. The situation is very real to her and she wants to escape, but has no idea how to do so or how to even approach the situation rationally."

Shimaa Gamal's Restrained Characteristics

"Demanding and picky in her relationships, but careful not to bring out conflict or disagreements and this may decrease her chances of achieving her goals and ideas."

Is bothered when her needs and desires are misunderstood and she feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. her self-centered attitude can cause her to be easily offended.

"Willing to become emotionally involved, but is demanding and picky when choosing a partner. Is careful not to bring out conflict or disagreements as this may decrease her chances of achieving her goals and ideas."

Current events have her feeling forced to make bargains and put aside her own desires for now. she is able to find satisfaction and happiness through sexual activity.

Current events have her feeling forced to make bargains and put aside her own desires for now. she is able to find satisfaction and happiness through sexual activity.

Shimaa Gamal's Desired Objective

"Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing environment, where everyone gets along and there is a strong sense of belonging."

Shimaa Gamal's Actual Problem

"Tension and stress is brought on by trying to cope with conditions which are out of her control, using up all her strength and leaving her feeling inadequate. she wishes to escape into a more peaceful and problem-free environment, in which she will no longer have to assert herself or deal with so much pressure."

To Relieve Some ANGER

You know what hurt, that this is really now my only window to talk. It hurt because it seems that the only way I can let go off feelings is to write them down and publish them on a public blog on a hope that someone will read and understand.
It hurt to be trapped in self pity over a silly thing. It hurt to cry none stop and try to hide your face from your family because if they saw you crying they will just scream at you for being silly.

Actually what hurt is to feel hurt while knowing you are silly and still can’t help it.
It hurt to feel like a freak and still can’t find that kind hearted person who would see the good heart of the beast.
It hurt when people show understanding in the time they don’t really understand. And it hurt when you are a talkative person who can’t form a meaningful phrase to tell what you have in mind.
It hurt when you blame yourself for being hurt. It hurt that you are hurt in the time you shouldn’t.


Why can’t anyone get the simple idea that I know I am 30 yrs old. I know that I don’t have enough social exposure to get to know a person and get married.
I know that everyone else has a life. I know that if I made it to 50 yrs old I will be known as the old lady with the plants, unless I got cats, and I know that I might end up making front pages because of my tragic kill on the hand of a robber who knew that I am a lonely, vulnerable old lady.

I know that I will get sick and won’t find someone to fetch me medicine. I know my nights will be colder and my days will be longer.

I know that I am a waste to the economy because I don’t contribute to GDP by cooking for my family.

I know all these and I know more. I know I am a mess. And I don’t need to be reminded how much of a mess I am.

I know I am a mess, and I am so thankful for all the advices. I really appreciate the care. I am really grateful that God didn’t deal me bad cards. I am grateful I can afford unemployment and identity crisis. I am sincerely thankful for my blessings, the ones I can count and the ones I can’t.

So, I am thankful for being the mess I am. Whatever happens tomorrow is still unknown and I am the really optimistic person who wrote that darkness is light!

I am sick of feeling guilty for disappointing the many people who had hopes on me. I am sick of feeling that I am not showing enough appreciation. Because this is the best I can do. I am sick that I am not wise but that’s me.

Why it is so hard to understand that those advices and that sweet talking about how I am ruining my future really hurt? Why it is so hard to understand that I am done trying hard and I want to be taken the way I am?

Why it is so hard to understand the things I can’t say?

It is not a Depression

I don’t want to work
I don’t want to get married
I don’t want to go out with my friends
I don’t want to go shopping
I don’t want to get out of bed
I don’t want to talk

I don’t want to die


But I can’t remember when I decided I don’t want to live.

Every Morning I wake up on a hope that this day will be the day time freezes. And every night I pray it won’t be my last.

If only I remember when did I decide not to live!

The Way I am

We are all freaks in a way. We dress up, we talk to impress or even better we say we don’t care but this never change that at a moment we will look in the mirror to see a freak in need of acceptance. Someone to take us the way we are. Someone who won’t get out the fixing tools to mend all the fractions. Someone to see the beauty in the pieces, the value of dirt and the significance of nothing.

I don’t know why this song gives me a heart ache.


Enjoy!

Miss Halfway

Enjoy

On Darkness, Cards and the Good Old Days

I am not attached to memories, I don’t long for past. I don’t know how healthy is that but I rarely miss the “good old times”. Everyone seems to miss their childhood, college time, or even a work place that they left. I just don’t, maybe it is related to my bad memory but sometimes I remember events but I just don’t feel like re-living them again. I bury the joy with the pain and I always look ahead. I know that this sounds untrue coming from a person who keeps whining about the mistakes she has done in her life but seriously, even when I whine it is all about the next step never the past. I whine out of worry because as a history fan I know how it ironically repeats itself whenever someone thinks he is smart enough to beat the odds.
But even if history keeps repeating itself, trying to beat the odds will always be the only way for development. We won’t advance if we stayed in the safe corner of what we know. We have to take a step into the dark hoping that this step might be a start for a journey to a new light. We take a step into the dark praying that it isn’t the last on a steep hill. We hope, we pray and we plan for our steps. For an outsider a step into the dark seems as an aimless step but for us, for each of us, darkness promises a meaning. Darkness is a direction. Darkness is our bright future that depends so much on where we stand now and more on where we came from.
And that doesn’t mean that those who are standing on the edge of a steep hill will always end up crashed on the valley’s rocks. Sometimes the worse the place you came from the better the place you will end up at. Because life is pretty much like a card game, it is not really about how good the cards you were dealt are. It is all about how good you can use what you were dealt. It is about when to place the bets, when to pass and when to finally quit.
In that game you don’t get to long for the time you won when you lose. First longing won’t bring winnings back, playing will. Second the sweetness of the memory will always be accompanied by bitterness. Longing is a bitter feeling, it holds an unsatisfied need. And if we have to long we should long for tomorrow. That way bitterness will go with the sweetness of satisfaction.
And as we don’t get to long for the time we won, we don’t get to regret the way we mistakenly used our cards. Because that foolishness was the reason we knew how things were supposed to be. It is all about how we can make best of the cards we have been dealt now. Whether we win or lose, it will just be a base for a new step into a new darkness.
And if that matters, we don’t get to blame the dealer as his job is to blindly deal the cards evenly. The same way we don’t get to blame the hill for being steep or the rocks for being sharp. It is how we use our cards that define where & how we will end up.
It is all in our hands.

Analyze This!

The “tell me honestly” tag is all over the facebook, everyone is tagging everyone to know how they think of them honestly.

Imagine someone getting these answers. I think we should always be careful with what we wish for :)))

1- Who are you?

I don’t think you would want to know

2- Are we friends?

Not really

3- When and how did we meet?

Didn’t have the pleasure yet

4- Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it?

The blind, you would know why in a moment

5- Describe me in one word

Stupid, fits the context

6- What was your first impression?

Green!

7- Do you still think that way about me now?

Hmm … yeah!

8- What reminds you of me?

Nothing in particular, you are in my blind spot

9 - If you could give me anything what would it be?

A bullet in your head, or better a slow poison. (Just to put you out of your misery)

10 - Which song reminds you of me?

This is to prove you are a slow thinker, I said you are in my blind spot.

11- How well do you know me?

Enough I guess!

12- When’s the last time you saw me?

I can’t remember, but not long ago

13- Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?

Yes, I slept with your husband

14- What do you hate about me?

I pity you! But I hate your mere existence if that matters

15- What do you love about me?

Check the previous answer

16- Where do you see me in 7 years?

The same way I see you in 70 years, Blind!

17- Are you going to copy this pic to see what do I or people say?

No, I am comfortable with dishonesty.

The New Look

I was bored and I thought the blog needs a face lift but it seems that the operation didn't go as smoothly as the lazy me expected it to be.

Blogger is really giving me hard time in return for it ease of use.

I would really appreciate your opinion regarding the new appearance, the ease of browsing and the most important is reporting errors.

If you mentioned the type of your browser it will be so helpful in fixing the error :)

Thanks in advance

A Quote

Okay so sometimes, even the best of us make rash decisions - bad decisions. Decisions we pretty much know we're gonna regret the moment, the minute - especially the morning after. I mean, maybe not "regret" regret because at least, you know, we put ourselves out there but still, something inside us decides to do a crazy thing. A thing we know'll probably turn around and bite us in the ass yet we do it anyway.