June 06, 2016

That Thing

When he initiated our "New Phase" I told him exactly how we will end. That "New Phase" wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for how he reacted to my "prophecy". He dismissed my worries and assured me that nothing that I fear will happen.

Did I believe him?

I did. And it wasn't related to the regular mechanism of men and women relationships. I believed him because he was "him". I have always taken what he says for granted. I trust him, I trust his views of things and I have always thought that he, of all people, will never advise me to do something against my best interest.

The point about him was never that I see him as a man, he has always been the friend, the family, and the respected figure. He held a place in my heart that no one else held. So when he dismissed my fears, I automatically believed him. I believed him, randomly tested the said belief and he passed every test.

So when he suddenly said he was lying. I couldn't just believe it. I went into denial. Accepting the fact he is nothing but a liar wasn't easy. If he lied in one thing that means he lied about everything. That's years of "blind" trust at stake. So I happily denied what he admitted, and intentionally ignored the little things he's done that all screamed "you were too stupid to trust me".

Denial was more about me not about him. I couldn't deal with the consequences of discovering that I have been wrong when I treated him as family in the 1st place.

Denial was more about the fact that I will never understand his motives. He was held dear, in a place that I would kill to have in someone's life. Why would he intentionally lose that? Why lie? Why wouldn't he think about how this will leave me?

Why did he had to dismiss my worries?

I will never know. And I will have to deal with something more than "a heart break". I will have to deal with losing a friend, someone I considered family, and someone I always thought will have my back.
I will have to deal with how naive I can be. I will have to forgive myself for letting me down.

I feel betrayed, and the worst part is that I can't really blame him for it. I feel betrayed, because I betrayed myself the moment I trusted him.

I should have known better. I should have managed things differently. I shouldn't have tried to keep his image untainted. I shouldn't have done the things I have done because they didn't change the outcome anyway.

This too shall pass .. I hope!

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