June 07, 2016

Chip Chop

Few years ago while driving me home H brought up my writings. He sort of blamed me. He said that I implicitly ask for things that he can't offer. I still remember how I reacted. I moved from happy and calm to crazily angry in a blink of an eye.
I told him that I wasn't asking for things. And I write because writing is the only thing I have. And I can't just hide my needs because he might read and feel uncomfortable. He said he understands and it is ok.

I don't know whether or not it was really ok. But I don't remember I ever censored myself for him.

After him the question of self censorship was posed repeatedly.

I have been censoring myself to please. I have been hiding my real thoughts and feelings so that others keep living happily in their lives.

Sometimes I wonder how H managed to keep following what I write regardless how uncomfortable it made him feel.

Sometimes I feel that I should let him know that I am grateful for not trying to censor my feelings to keep his unharmed.

Sometimes I feel I owe him an apology. But I don't apologize for being myself. I am who I am.

And this- writing every thought and feeling I have - is what I am. I don't apologize for this. And I won't change this.

Thanks H ♡  

No comments: