The Bucket List

Inso was right; I am too busy these days to log on. My sister is visiting after a whole year in Dubai. You can never imagine how long a year can be and how short a day is. But because I am addicted to the internet and consequently blogging and I really liked this tag here I am doing it.
This list is composed of things that I think I can never do, and things that I know I can. The list will start from number two because number one is something that I am going to tell Inso in private ;)

2- Breakfast in front of the Eiffel Tower

3- Meeting the city of Fog, walking in London’s rain and trying the unhealthy fish & chips.

4- Touring Italy and dating an Italian guy. Luca Toni is what I have in mind ;)

5- Exploring Africa. One thing I really envied Brad for was visiting Zambia. The stories he told me about the cruise he had or the safari were more than terrific. I really wished I was there (for the fun not the work) and I really hope I can explore the black continent. I want to see the rivers, the falls, the wild life and the people.

6- Eating some original cuscus and tajine :) yes, Morocco is on the list too and not only for the food. I have always found Morocco a charming place.

7- Discovering India. Not necessarily the food because there are rumors that real Indian food isn’t as good the Indian food we know but yet, India is a treasure and it seems that I am a treasure hunter. I want to buy a sari too ;)

8- Checking China out. I don’t think I can eat real Chinese food, but I really have to check on the people who were there when my ancestors, the ancient Egyptians, were there too.

9- Visiting Brazil to see why my aunt says that Brazilians believe God must have been Brazilian else why he created Brazil to be that pretty.

10- Diving in the great coral reef.

11- Touring the rest of the world as far as I have gone that far ;)

12 – Driving

13- Having my own place, something with a big kitchen and a little garden.

14- To find my destined path in life. Be it starting my own business, finishing my masters degree, or even finding a new passion. I would really like to just find that destined path.

15 – To leave a legacy, something good to be remembered for.


Actually this list could go forever, I never though that I would like to do all that traveling I have always thought I am not that much outgoing and traveling is an outgoing activity. I am also a believer that we only die when we are done doing things we really want to do that’s why I keep adding to the little things I look forward to. Dying young was never of my hopes.

I tag Haz and Noly as it seems that everyone has done that tag already but if you still didn’t consider yourself tagged.

Patience

I know it is kind of late but Haz posted something on Patience that I really wanted to share with you.

You can find it here

About the Carrot

Remember a couple of weeks ago I marked a day for cutting a finger while cutting a carrot because I was thinking of someone and something. I marked the day and didn’t really plan to talk about it.
It isn’t as serious as it sounds; I wasn’t drowned in a thought to the extent that I have forgotten the sharp knife in my hand. Actually I was aware of both the knife and the carrot. And the thought was supposed to be another silly thought but some how it led to rage, which led to me being unaware of the amount of pressure I am exerting on the knife hence the nasty cut.

He is a friend of mine, a dear friend of mine. Among my friends he is the newest, though I have known him for almost 3 years now. He is new compared to people I have known for at least 20 years yet he is dearest.
I wasn’t thinking of how he made it to my top friends list. I wasn’t actually thinking of him. I was thinking of something silly that I can’t remember and I thought of sharing it with him. I automatically grabbed my mobile phone to txt him and as I wrote that silly thing the thought crossed my mind. Things for the last 3 years have been going in the same way. I bug him and he keeps me company. I tease him and he keeps me company. I never stop being pushy and he never stops keeping me company.

I thought what if I was pushing my limits? What if I wasn’t but he suddenly became unavailable? What if he got married? What if things changed as it always do and I don’t have him to keep me company?

I don’t remember when I started depending on him that much. I know how we met, how this friendship was bonded but I don’t know when he became the most reliable line of defense. Maybe it is because the others, literally, fled away. They relocated to the four corners of the world. (I even doubt I have friends on other planets!) Or maybe it is because he has an eye for the unseen things. He always remembers little details, which is one of the things that made him win many parts in my heart that many people couldn’t. Actually he won those many parts of my heart by many things not only by having an eye for details but mainly because he is flawless. He is a little bit stubborn but this was never a flaw.
It might be a logical thing to depend on a flawless person, but depending on him wasn’t really the thought that led to the scar on my thumb.

It was the thought that I might be abusing my friend by this dependence what made me furious. And it was the thought that he is too polite to ask me to stop that made my mind freeze.
I put the phone down in a try to stop abusing my friend and I got back to the kitchen to finish dicing my carrots. But it seems that I couldn’t control my anger as I controlled my silliness, even if temporarily, hence the injured finger.

On Being a Sister!!

This picture represents me, my sister and my brother. My sister always said that she is pooh, I am Eeyore ang my brother Tigger. I couldn’t find a better family picture!!

Life is a bitch. that was how the infamous Mr. HH commented on my feelings. For those who don’t know my brother’s best friend died last Thursday. He was only 23 years old. He didn’t die out of illness or out of natural causes. He was killed in combat with a drug dealer. He was a police officer. He died bravely leaving behind him lots of people wondering about many things.

I believe that his death is a test for many of us who knew him, a test of faith. Such incidents test the core of the faith. Unfortunately most of us occasionally fail such tests. Only few really thankfully accept God’s will.

From where I see things I believe that Mr. HH’s comment is a failure to that test. We are not supposed to blame life because life has nothing to do with it. Life isn’t really guilty of his death, actually life isn’t guilty of any one’s death and life isn’t guilty of any of the bad things that occur. The same way it is not the cause of any of the good things that happen to us.

Life in my belief is just another creature, just a medium God created to test us. Only God is capable of life and death. Only God gives. And whatever God gives us is good. Even what we think is bad is only for our own good. We fail when we fail to believe that we are just creatures of God. He created us so that we worship him. And to worship him we should always praise him in all cases, in better and in worse.

My feelings weren’t only about the loss of someone I have always looked at as younger brother. Some how I managed to praise God, pray, cry and pray again. Some how I managed saying “see you”. He isn’t gone as people might think. He is just some where we can’t directly communicate. Actually, another thing that I don’t tell people, in my belief life is just a dream. Nothing is really real. The real life is the after life, and God said that when we will be asked how much did we live; we will all answer a day or some of a day. And when we will be asked how much we have been dead, we will give the same answer. Time is something that we only feel because we live in this medium called life. Once it ends, we won’t even remember what time was. So, we will all be meeting him (and all our beloved ones) soon regardless how long this dream will take us.

My feelings were also about how I functioned or, if that matter malfunctioned as a sister. For those who don’t know, I have lost my mother to cancer in 1994. So since that I have always liked to view myself as the good elder sister. It seems that Sameh was right pointing out some narcissist deficiencies in my character because that belief has been proved wrong last Thursday. Actually, it wasn’t only what happened last Thursday that proved that I am not the good sister I have always wanted to be and thought I am. It was just the straw that broke the Camel’s back.

My relation with my brother is strong. Or at least I believe it is. I love him like crazy and he loves me back. When mom died he was just that little boy. Actually my failure to function as an elder sister started that day. I remember that we were staying at my grandma’s. We were sleeping on the same bed, and I woke up on my aunts discussing if I am old enough to go attend the funeral and the burial and everything. I slightly opened my eyes, I saw one of my aunts all in black and the other still holding me thinking I am asleep and fighting with the one in black that we are too young for this and she’s better be gone before we wake up. Actually I believe that my nerves of steel started developing that day. I kept pretending that I am asleep, and I didn’t move till I felt that my little brother is moving only then I got up and my aunts told us you mother is dead.

So, what would you expect the one who thinks of herself a good elder sister to do? Guess what?! I shouted at the little in shock boy telling him, mom died. Don’t cry, we are not supposed to cry because God will punish her if we did. I didn’t hold him though I wanted, but I didn’t cry too. I maintained my nerves of steel, I don’t even remember if I ever took care of him. I didn’t know how to show him love because I thought it would be silly. And honestly I didn’t know if my nerves of steel would have survived any emotional move.

Life went on in the last 14 years, I remember one night we were out in a walk and I discovered that I am not holding the hands of a little boy anymore. And that he has become a man. And that he isn’t depending on me and I am the one who is really depending on him.

I can’t claim that I have contributed by any means in that change, unless feeding him counts. And he was going to be fed anyways. So, I can’t claim that I have supported him. It maybe something related to the fact that I don’t keep memories (good or bad. But I certainly remember that I was all bossy and that I could have been a better sister. I could have strengthened our relation. I would have insisted to be his friend, but I was busy being bossy and thinking of maintaining a house an enough job. But the truth is when I failed being his friend I counted on others to be. I counted on his bond with my sister and I counted on his friends (among them the one who died). I counted on others to take care of my brother thinking that I am doing a good job.

And now, when his friend died I added one more failure to my list of failures. I kept waiting for him all day planning to give him a hug, or at least try to show support & love. When he finally returned back home, I again thought it would be silly doing it. And again I acted the same way I acted when my mother died. I acted as if nothing happened.

He is acting strong, out of faith and out of being him. But I can’t stop blaming myself from not supporting my brother in such a situation. Actually the real problem is, I didn’t really know what to do to support him. I never knew, and I think I would never know. I am just a bad sister who has been thinking she was a good one.

I just love him too much. I love him more than anything in this world.

But who said love is enough?!

Bastards Live

Ever thought of counting your blessings? What are the things you are thankful for, Health, Mind, Family or is it Wealth?
Will you ever sacrifice your life for any of these? Would you really take a bullet for your brother? Could really die defending your family? Would you really put your life on stake for anyone else?

He just did.

He was only 24 yrs with future supposed to be ahead of him. He took a bullet for me, you and everyone else.

He died so that we can sleep tight at night, so we can fall in love, make babies, and enjoy health, wealth and long age.

He died to give us a safer place to live. And you know what. He died and I don’t feel safe anymore.

Today is just another day, a good man died and a bastard lived

P.S.
بابا قال إن أهل الجنة مكتوبلهم يموتوا على إيد أهل النار و لو كان فى عزاء فى موته فهو إنه شهيد ، و إنه طلبها و نالها و لكن بالله عليكم اللى يقرأ خبر إستشهاد ضابط شرطة فى حملة على تجار المخدرات يدعيله .لإنه يستحق كل الدعوات الطيبة و كل الخير و يدعى لأهله بالصبر على القضاء
إنا لله و إنا إليه راجعون

Political Buzzes - And The Winner Is?!!!

I want a democrate in the white house, I admit I was naive as everyone else 8 yrs ago and prayed Bush. I bet that 8 years later I might admit that I was wrong hoping for a democrate in the this election. But I just can't help it, I love the guy.

If I can vote, I would have voted Obama. I would have voted for the change even if this change is just more destruction ...

A Commercial Break ;)

Today my favorite team Al Ahly will be playing the 1st of two matches to win the African title, it is not the first final and hopefully it won't be the last cup to win.
So, if you live abroad (outside Egypt)and you are searching for a way to watch this match you can always check egytube actually if you are into sports generally they offer coverage for most of the important events.
If you want to mingle with some fellow Ahly fans, you can always check AhlyCorner, even active members are offered links to view matches.

So, good luck to my most favored Egyptian team in defending his lost title.



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If you are a girl, go enlist your blog at girlygator, an all girls aggregator :) really cool - Thanks Lost Within for the reference :)
If you are a man, still you can go check what those girls had to say ;)

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