May 05, 2008
The Things I Couldn’t Say
I couldn’t say no, I am not stupid as you said I am. I was just scared, putting pieces of a puzzle together to know what went wrong. I couldn’t say “you are not helping”, I couldn’t say “stop, you are hurting me”, I couldn’t say a word to explain why I am always scared. I couldn’t say that I was scared because he might never come back, I couldn’t say I was scared that he is flipping away, I couldn’t say that it might not be about him. It is about me, it is about that I never knew how people fight and never run. It is about I know that caves have backdoors. How could I know that he will come back? How could I know he is still there, busy minding his own business and that it has nothing to do with me. How could I kill the worries in the time I know I am part of the things that’s keeping him off. How could I know that what I am having is just phobic episode?
I couldn’t say I wouldn’t have written what I wrote if you called as you used to do. I couldn’t say that he would have called, not to talk but to say goodbye. I couldn’t say that I know he knew I was waiting for him to call. I couldn’t say that I knew he wouldn’t call to punish me. I couldn’t say that the mere idea that he believed I didn’t deserve the phone call is the thing that made me sleepless. I couldn’t say that in the middle of arguing that he is in the middle of the BUSH with no signal he forgot to answer the question if the number is still the same. I couldn’t say why you are putting me under the “ANYONE” category. I couldn’t say “Shut up”, I couldn’t say “I LOVE YOU” when I felt like saying it. I couldn’t say “I MISS YOU” when it was everything I had to say.
I couldn’t say “I love you, I miss you and it hurt”; I couldn’t say “what if I am crazy isn’t there anything to even it out?”
I couldn’t say because I have NO RIGHT to say. I couldn’t say because it would have worsened things. I couldn’t say because I was scared to say then lose him for the things I said. I couldn’t say for the same reasons I am thinking twice while writing this ranting as he call it and for the very same reason I thought twice before posting the earlier ranting that pissed him off. I couldn’t say because if I said it will piss him off. I couldn’t say because I am scared he will take this as an enough reason to cut me off.
I couldn’t say because I can’t say!!