May 05, 2008

The Things I Couldn’t Say

I couldn’t say no, I am not stupid as you said I am. I was just scared, putting pieces of a puzzle together to know what went wrong. I couldn’t say “you are not helping”, I couldn’t say “stop, you are hurting me”, I couldn’t say a word to explain why I am always scared. I couldn’t say that I was scared because he might never come back, I couldn’t say I was scared that he is flipping away, I couldn’t say that it might not be about him. It is about me, it is about that I never knew how people fight and never run. It is about I know that caves have backdoors. How could I know that he will come back? How could I know he is still there, busy minding his own business and that it has nothing to do with me. How could I kill the worries in the time I know I am part of the things that’s keeping him off. How could I know that what I am having is just phobic episode?
I couldn’t say I wouldn’t have written what I wrote if you called as you used to do. I couldn’t say that he would have called, not to talk but to say goodbye. I couldn’t say that I know he knew I was waiting for him to call. I couldn’t say that I knew he wouldn’t call to punish me. I couldn’t say that the mere idea that he believed I didn’t deserve the phone call is the thing that made me sleepless. I couldn’t say that in the middle of arguing that he is in the middle of the BUSH with no signal he forgot to answer the question if the number is still the same. I couldn’t say why you are putting me under the “ANYONE” category. I couldn’t say “Shut up”, I couldn’t say “I LOVE YOU” when I felt like saying it. I couldn’t say “I MISS YOU” when it was everything I had to say.
I couldn’t say “I love you, I miss you and it hurt”; I couldn’t say “what if I am crazy isn’t there anything to even it out?”
I couldn’t say because I have NO RIGHT to say. I couldn’t say because it would have worsened things. I couldn’t say because I was scared to say then lose him for the things I said. I couldn’t say for the same reasons I am thinking twice while writing this ranting as he call it and for the very same reason I thought twice before posting the earlier ranting that pissed him off. I couldn’t say because if I said it will piss him off. I couldn’t say because I am scared he will take this as an enough reason to cut me off.
I couldn’t say because I can’t say!!


someone in life said...

why I always feel that you write about me ? and about the same person I have known is it a real or a chance ? Really m surprised .

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Someone in Life
I am not as surprised as you, because they are all one :)
Different names, different shapes, different colors, different nationalities, different religions and different occupations. But they are all Adam. The lover, the friend, the collegue, the father, and the husband are all the same.
Men are men my dear :) They are all Adam as we are all Eve

Anonymous said...

Yes, dear someone in life, that's so very true.

Men are men as women are women. As they come in all colours and tongues, you will always and forever more have to remember that they are the daughters of Eve. The pattern never loses its repeatability, no matter how much you think there are exeptions.

Deeply disappointed.

Someone from the bush.

Shimaa Gamal said...

I Love You ...



I was supposed to write things about exceptions & expectations. I was supposed to write about how sometimes we might get lost in translation.
But all what I can think of is that I just love you.
I am crazy & stupid but I love you.

Say Hello to the baboon next to you & tell him that deep in the bush there is a tall, handsome, angry man. Tell the baboon to tell the man to watch out there is a piece of a heart following him everywhere.

insomniac said...


i reaaaaallly related, you have no idea!! i was having the same particular thoughts and i was looking through your last few entries, and the photo was exactly the mental image i had in mind!!!

i know we are all the same in different ways... but i have been sharing THIS for a while and it's driving me insane!

hey, i find the two above comments cute :))

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Insomniac

The best thing about having a blog is having a way to say the things we couldn't say. The second best thing is to have the very someone whom you couldn't tell reading the very things that you couldn't say. He might end up pissed off but that will make you two not one :) :) :) and you will end up with cute comments. Fair and square :)

You are right about the picture, I had the very same image in mind while I have been thinking lately.

Be well my dear