I Wish I Can Say ...

You know, I have something for bastards. And that feeling I have, just makes you one!

Right now, you are my problem.

The Royal Tiara Tag

Name who asked you to play this:

Lendmeurear, Jessy and Sina

Mention six secrets nobody can uncover about you when meeting you for the first time.

1- I love bubbles a lot.

2- I judge, mostly my feelings about a person are right yet I give everyone the benefit of doubt

3- When in doubt, I giggle

4- I think too much about whether I am boring my company or not.

5- I don’t know the right amount of “thank you”s to show appreciation, so I am either over doing it or simply seeming ungrateful.

6- I take everything seriously, which give people a good chance to work me.

Pass this on to 6 bloggers, mentioning their names along with their links.

Though everyone tagged everyone, I tag

1. Noblese
2. ibhog
3. Nerro
4. Juka
5. Injis
6. Mermaid

. . .

I feel like fighting with someone. I want to fight. I have all these things that I want to say but I simply can’t. I can’t even talk about it with anyone I know. In simple words I am defeated and I have no energy to address the wounds.

If it was up to me, I would have died. If it was up to me I would have vanished. If it was up to me I would have stopped the time because I don’t think I can take whatever is coming my way.

But it is not up to me. It was never up to me. I can’t stop time, I can’t vanish and I can’t choose to die. So here I wait with my wounds for more to come my way.

Here I wait patiently because patience is the only thing I can.

It's Now or Never

That was supposed to be easy. I remember how easy it was to just write. I remember that I even had the guts to write about my lack of ideas. Now, it is the hardest I could ever do. And it isn’t that I am lacking ideas. As a matter of fact my head is too full that I am suffering from headaches that I try to kill with food but then they grow bigger because food makes everything big from your hips to your headaches.

So where should I begin. Should I begin with the inevitable talk about the Egyptian sociopolitical scene? Should I tell everyone to take a deep breath and stop playing neutral because no one really is? Should I plainly state that the Egyptian problem lies in having a population with ideas that are on the extreme left of things in the time ruled by an almost extreme right elites. And if there is any chance for Egypt to get out of the absurdity trap it will be for people like me (and you who are reading this) to start taking real sides instead of playing middle of the way cards. Because the painful truth is, no one is really on the middle of the way.

Each of us is slightly tilted to a side and that’s exactly what will make a difference. So, for instance, if you are pro free market be pro free market and for God’s sake stop talking about massive government intervention in economy. If you are pro controlled market please stop your regular visits to the hyper market because this consuming behavior and the unlimited choices the hyper market is offering are against your beliefs!

Or should I begin by explaining where Egypt was economic wise and where it is now? Should I start analyzing the Mubarak era or should I wait till after the next elections. Should I defend him in the time everyone seems to attack him or should I join the opposition forces? Should I even start by how lame the Egyptian opposition is!

But no, I don’t think politics is something that I should start with. Politics is boring, who would want to read another Egyptian analyzing Egypt?!

And this is exactly why writing is becoming harder. Writing is my thing. It’s been my thing since I learned how to put words into a sentence. Before that talking was my thing. Which I still believe is my thing, regardless the occasional stutter, and that I would make a great lecturer if only I could only lecture educated people who are extremely interested in listening to my views.

So, before creating this blog I almost begged people to read me, and I still occasionally do. But after a while from having this blog I started having absolutely random people interested in whatever I write. I started having friends because of that nonsense I write, people who shared the same views or even not. People who thought I am worth knowing in person because of whatever I write.

The feeling that a complete stranger finds you genuinely interesting because of your thoughts is one of the best feelings that a person can ever feel. It is flattering in every possible way. It mends lots of the tears in self confidence. Yet though that good, it is pressuring in a way.

Honestly, I don’t want to bore you. I know I am repeating myself and I know that you have assured me over and over that whatever those people who ever dared to call me shallow or call me too deep are wrong. And I know that I know that these two persons actually contradicted one another. I can’t be shallow using big words. Well, now as I write this I think I can! But I know that I shouldn’t let anything or anyone get in my way of doing the things I like.

After all, I am who I am. I can’t please everyone and if I miraculously managed to do, I won’t be able to do it all the time.

But I am an imperfect person looking for perfection. So rather than writing about change, choices, friendship, relationships, dreams, crushes, juggling, Cairo, exposure, love, children, provoking people, Islam, Egypt, things that make me cry, love(again), surrendering, rejection, hidden messages, alienation, religions, more X & Y unspoken conversations, people as means of entertainment, life, the “Shalabya” paradox and my most favorite topic of writing “Me”. Here I am wasting my and your time learning how to crawl after walking for more miles than I can count. All is because of my issues that I’d rather be writing about too.

The not writing state shouldn’t be a big deal. Just like a friend said today, it is something that I do for myself. So, if I don’t feel like doing it, I can simply stop. But it is that very reason, that writing is the one thing I do for myself is why it became a big deal. I am having a big void that needs to be addressed. I can’t say that I am lonely but I can say that the things that used to keep my life going have changed.

And because I hate uncontrolled change, and because I believe I should not just let go with the flow the least I should do is know where this flow is taking me. I did one of the corniest things this morning by giving myself today as the last chance (and made sure to set this as a FB status update) to either write or delete all my blogs (including the secret ones). And apparently I still give a sense of direction for the uncontrolled flow. At least I managed to post and the blog(s) are spared!

Expect more. (Oh now I remembered that “expectations” is another thing that I wanted to write about!)

And always remember to learn from your past mistakes. I just did, I looked for affirmation among my friends instead of an ex. which is the thing that tells a lot about how much I have changed. But this is another longer story that I will be writing about among the many things I will be writing about.

P.S.

I will be more than happy if you suggested which of the many points should I start with.

Seriously?!

About Me

Basic Info	Sex: Male Birthday: - Relationship Status: Married Interested In: Women Looking For: Friendship Dating A Relationship Random play Whatever I can get Current City: -
Bio	Always looking for a ONE who can understand me. Can I realy have a one ??

I feel like screaming ...

That thing between you and me, it is over. It is all over.

Sweet 35

2010 seems to be the year of change. And I am not speaking climate here. I am speaking that my life as I know it is about to change which is probably just a feeling related to traces of an old hope to get through with the pending stuff on my to do list.

Even if eventually nothing really changed, 2010 will always be a mark for the end of a decade that I believe is the richest in my small life. In the last decade I met lots of people only few of them were really worth keeping. And out of the few worth keeping there was one whom I always considered myself lucky to know.

He is my most favorite Sameh. He is the newest of the very short list I call friends yet he is one of the closest to my heart. Which is the thing probably everyone knows yet I am never bored repeating.

The first time I met Sameh was on my birthday. And we were so close not to do. The thing that makes me wonders sometimes if destiny’s plan was for us to meet or not. Sometimes when he makes me so angry I think that whatever he is doing and making me that pissed off is a punishment for not just walking away that day. The rest of the time, I wonder how my life was going to be if I didn’t meet him.

He always says that we are two completely different mind sets, which is the thing I believe makes us good friends. He sees black and white. And he always refuses to admit that there is grey. He doesn’t believe in grey because grey is complicated and according to him life is simple or at least should be simple unless we complicate it.

I believe in nothing but grey because simplicity is a complicated art. So life comes in different shades, from bright almost white grey to the darkest almost black grey.

My point is we are different and this difference was never an obstacle for that friendship to grow. We are way past the honeymoon so I won’t dare to say that we never fight because we do. But I am certain that for every time I fought with him I got a step closer. Fights are like a crash course to get to understand the person better. And regardless my severe issues regarding fights Sameh gave me faith that people could fight and survive it. Even if they didn’t get to a solution because neither of them understand what was behind the fight in the 1^st place. But a little bit of letting go from each side makes life better. Patience is one thing that he taught me. His preferred strategy is wait, see then act. My preferred strategy has always been act, act then see and never wait.

I think his prespective made me wiser as his presence made my life easier.

He's been my happy thought for years.

I wish I could find words to describe exactly what he's been to me but I don't think I will ever find words or if words will ever be enough.

But there is one thing I am sure of, if everything eventually changed in 2010 I don't want "us" to change. I want after another 35 years to tell more audience about that one person who is so important in my life. The one person I knew in a decade that almost shaped me into the person I am. The one person who was worth keeping.

So, to my best friend in his 35 birthday.

To differences that complements.

To those who are worth keeping.

And to flaws and tolerance.

Happy Birthday Mo7a

P.S.

There is no cake, I want a real one this time ;)

X & Y – Curtain Falls

Y finally facing X

Y: Here is the thing. The problem, our problem, was never that I didn’t have the courage to tell you. It was never that I wasn’t sure of how I feel, or how you would have reacted to how I feel. The problem has always been that we both knew. We both knew that the step I took towards you that morning was the end of my hesitation and the start of yours.

And because we both knew, I never tried to face you with what I know you knew. Because facing you would have meant that you will have to decide and I knew you enough to know that your decision will always be the safety of pushing me away.

I chose the indecisive state because I was aware of the games both our minds were playing. And I believe you were aware too but you have always denied them.

So, you don’t get to blame me for not telling you back then. Blame no one but yourself because you knew. You were aware that it is you who I really wanted. You knew that I needed a spoonful of you in my life and I believe you needed a spoonful of me in your life too. But you had other plans of having me along your “other things”. And you were sure I won’t ever mind because you knew I needed you.

You don’t get to blame me for you poor choices. You don’t get to blame me for choosing the only option that would have led to you losing me eventually.

You don’t get to play surprised because you are not.

You don’t get to ask me why I didn’t tell you, because I did.

I told you every day with everything I did. And I don’t think there was a better way to tell you that I am in love with you …

I am in love with you

- The end -

What's on your mind :)