August 20, 2008

29


29 years ago my mother suffered some unbearable pain, it was before the golden time of painless labor, to bring me to world. 29 years ago I didn’t promptly scream like any new born, seems that I was suffocating with the umbilical cord so I took a bit longer. 29 years ago the moment I breathed was the turn point moment of my life. It was the moment I accepted that strange uncertain world.
After 29 years of screaming as I was introduced to Miss Life, the world is still as strange as I first met it and everything is still uncertain. After 29 years I guess I am still as hopeful as that baby.
29 is an important sign in the road called my life as it marks the final count down to the 30 years milestone. 30 has always been the age I mark as the end of history and though I have slightly changed this idea I still believe that 30 is a number and it is still an important mark on the road.
I never thought that I will really ever sit and assess the little victories I call achievements. As I always fail to count the good things I do. I am best at counting mistakes, I am best at mourning failure and I am best at degrading success. I don’t know if this makes me a perfectionist because I am not but though I keep telling everyone that I am perfect, sometime I mean it, but I know I am not. And I have to admit that my eyes are trained to see only my imperfections.
So, the last year I put a list of things to do before turning 30. The last year was the year I decided to take a break and reflect. I decided to cut off my list of ambitions to few things that fit the definition of a goal. A goal should always be specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timed. And that were the criteria I used to define my goals.
The first on my list was to quit my old job. Something that I am proud I did. I am even more proud of hanging on without a job for a little more than a year. Mainly because this time means that I didn’t cave and do something I hate. I am still hanging onto the NO I said and meant.
The second on my list was to lose weight. I decided to lose weight the day the scale screamed 84 kgs. That meant that I am dangerously overweight and that my eyes, and pant size if that matter, are not cheating me. I didn’t like my reflection on the mirror and I didn’t want to age bad. I have always wanted to age good. I want to be healthy for as long as I will live.
I am 62 kgs now. I managed losing a little more than 25% off my body weight. I did that with the help of my brother who supported me when my will failed. Something that I am really proud of, because losing weight isn’t an easy task.
The third on my list of to do’s before the age of thirty was my masters degree, though I am not really into it and I have been thinking tp omit it off the list but yet I am still keeping it. Maybe I will change my mind this year.
The last goal was to finish writing the project I call book. It Something that I am doing solely for myself to prove that I can do anything I want just if I was patient enough to put on the effort needed to finish it.
Now as I revised my pre-30 list of goals I discovered that I have already accomplished two of them. And the other two could be accomplished in a year if I maintained the same determination I had as I achieved the other two goals. Something that doesn’t sound as bad as I feel towards these accomplishments as I feel that these two things can’t be compared to running a profitable business or having a brilliant position in a remarkable organization.
Yet, these are not the only accomplishments of my 29th year. My major achievement for the year was something my sister discovered. I managed surviving as a loner for a year without her and it seems that it will be the norm from now on. She got married last November and she relocated to Dubai. And for the first time both of us had to deal with the world alone. When she travelled I discovered that I have done every little thing with her. I can’t even decide what to wear without asking her opinion. She is my best friend, my sister and even daughter. And one morning I had to kiss her goodbye because she has to pursue life somewhere else. That morning I felt that I ripped my heart out and that heart grew legs and is walking away. I didn’t cry, though I am now, and being in control of that moment is an achievement. It is a little moment of victory when my sense of responsibility took over my sense of loss. I didn’t cry because she was worried. She is young and travelling into the unknown. I made sure that the last thing she sees was an assuring smile that everything is going to be good and that if at anytime things went bad. There is something strong that she can run back to. I didn’t cry because I knew I needed that assuring smile too. That the shy me will manage a way to deal with the world without hiding behind her little sister. It is really an achievement. A victory for both of us.
If surviving alone is the only achievement for the year it is fair enough to make that year fruitful. And even if that year came with no achievements I wasn’t really going to be disappointed as my last birthday was wish-less. I wished for nothing last year. I was too hurt. And I didn’t want more hurt. So I didn’t have expectations for that year which is reflected in my high satisfaction with almost nothing.
But this year I feel hopeful. I don’t know how and why I got the hope back. But this year I will have wishes. Wishes that might or might not be turned to goals. Simple or maybe shallow but yet I still have the right to dream.
This year I will wish for finding the thing that I will be doing for the next 30 years. Something that will add to the world as it adds to me, something that I enjoy doing even when I am bored, and something that will solve the important equation of value. I want to do something that will make use of the things that I have accumulated in the last 30 years as I accumulate more.
The second wish will be for a decent relation. Regardless the name, but I am done with undefined and unstable relationship. But I want to be in a place where I know that my partner won’t flee the next morning, something that maintains a minimum degree of emotional stability. And my third and final wish will be finishing the rest of my 30 years goals. I am not sure if I am asking for a miracle. But I am in the mood to believe that I deserve one. So Miracle, I am waiting.
And just in case anyone wondered why I am so hopeful celebrating the last mark before turning 30 the answer will be because my friends and family gave me a whole month of celebrations.
This birthday is really special not only it looks special 20-08-2008 but also because everyone that matters remembered. So for all those who remembered and reading this I don’t really have enough words to show my appreciation. Thanks for remembering and thanks for being around and a special thank you goes to those who never forgot.

Happy birthday to me :)

The picture is designed by my friend Hossam

P.S.

I wanted to call that year a name can anyone guess it?




5 comments:

insomniac said...

happy birthday dearest :)

may all your wishes be granted :D

LiL^OrioN said...

seems like i know a lot of august babies.

sis and mum are one of them. 6th and 18th respectively.

geee.. i wish i had an older sister like you. i've never done anything for my younger sis. gosh!.. *guilty pangs*

anyways, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHIMAAAAAAA!!!! =)

May Allah bless you always!

Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

hey hey hey it is your birtday
wish you HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY..

hope you enjoy your time

cheers

Shimaa Gamal said...

My dear friends thank you sooo much for you wishes. Having you around is the reason for making that day so special.

p.s.

Haz, I really miss you. I prayed for you while I was in Umrah. And when I got back I found out that you are taking a break. I hope everything is fine with you.
Just take care and keep in touch.

LiL^OrioN said...

i miss you too =) and thank you so much for the du'a

there has been too many things going on in my life. i've been blogging, but not allowing anyone to read for now. will repost after Ramadhan. ;)

Ramadhan Mubarak to you love! =)