July 16, 2007

The apology I owe!!

I can’t believe it has been four years. I lost track of time and only now it is all coming back to me. I liked him even before meeting him, he was that legend. He was the master of the masters. I was the crawling student and typically I liked him. Now I can see why I liked him and why I allowed this student/ teacher like to turn to be a girl/ man like.
He was my prince charming coming alive. He had the looks, the brains, the manners and the skills. He supported me through a harsh break up. He validated me in my process of regaining myself confidence. He was there in the time I didn’t want anyone to be around.
I remember how it started and how it ended. I was drowning and he was my life jacket.
Was he my re-bounce? Now I think may be he was or even if he wasn’t I shouldn’t have blamed him for the phase I was passing through at that time.
Now I regret the discomfort I caused to him, I regret blaming him for my misery because he wasn’t responsible of it. I was the star of my own drama. He didn’t use me; he was the only one who didn’t even try to. He didn’t flag me as his territory. He enjoyed my company and so did I. I shouldn’t have opted for something more. I should have focused on what I wanted not what people want. I wanted the company but people wanted a definition. I wanted to take time while people rushed me. I should have stayed, I should have wished him luck, I should have believed that nothing will change as he promised.
But I have pushed the limits of my poor luck. I unconsciously wanted the end. Now I can see that I have dug the pain myself. I sake misery and I had it. And I blamed him for everything in time I was to be blamed too. I made him suffer; I hunted him with the skills he taught me. I made him suffer; I used the mind he trained against him. I ruined his days, and prayed for justice.
Now, I know that there is no justice to be sought and that there was no unfairness in the first place.
Now, I know I owe him an apology. And I owe him a thank you. I owe him an apology for every crazy thing that I have done. For hunting him, for hunting his friends, for tracing potential girl friends, for nuking every single female he chatted with, for the hacked emails, for deceiving the brother and for every thing that I can’t remember.
I owe him a thank you for the good quality time we spent together, I owe him a thank you for tolerating my craziness, I owe him a thank you for teaching me that sometimes we should evaluate the road before walking it.
I owe him a thank you because if it wasn’t for what happened with him I wasn’t going to enjoy what I am having right now.

Sometimes, it is too late to apologize. Sometimes it is lame to apologize to someone who doesn’t expect our apology. But if I ever had the chance, I will say sorry and I will mean it. If I ever have the chance, I will say thank you from deep of my heart.
Thank you because if it weren’t for you, I wasn’t going to have what I am having now. I wasn’t going to enjoy my life the way I am now. I wasn’t going to come across a cross road and be happy, I wasn’t going to meet someone in a cross road and never worry and I wasn’t going to be content even when I have no road to share with someone.
Thanks for making me appreciate what I have instead of seeking what I can never achieve.

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