It isn’t that I don’t have anything to write about that has been keeping me from writing. Actually I have plenty of thoughts to share. And it is not really that I can’t hunt the words to form a meaningful sentence because most of the things I posted here didn’t make any sense.
The thing is I am cornered in my old favorite “loser corner”. Simple incidents trigger infinite loops of, I don’t really know if this describes it well, “I am nothing”.
So, now you will get me when I tell you that the fact that I am feeling “I am nothing” is the major factor contributing for my reluctance to share my thought-less thoughts. you will understand that sharing ideas like maintaining lists of little things that might make my life happier or lists of the little silly things I pray God for or the last list of the people I think will cry me if I died, sounds so silly. Yet out of habit I just shared it anyway.
You will understand that I didn’t find it as cheerful to celebrate the second anniversary for the blog. I really wanted to do but I didn’t really know what to celebrate. Should I celebrate that I have been doing the same thing for the last two years without losing interest?! I can’t claim that I didn’t have multiple thoughts about taking a long break like what Fadfadation did or maybe disappear from the whole blogosphere like what Arima did.
I can’t claim that Brad’s words about how superficial my ideas are and how they lack depth really got to me. I can’t deny that his words got to me because I am really writing to be read. I am really writing to communicate certain things I have in mind. Though I have always believed that I have always been writing anyway but as my sweet brother pointed out. You have always been writing but as far as you are posting in a public blog you are no longer doing it for yourself.
So being superficial and boring as Brad pointed out is an enough reason for me to quit. I am a narcissist constantly moaning about her life, who would really like to read this?! I occasionally get outside that shell and start talking about the world. But yet again, I am writing about the world from my narcissist view. These are enough reasons for me to stop, but yet again out of habit here I am moaning about what I think and really not doing anything about it.
And again out of habit, I decided to take one more into my narcissist world and tell you why I believe you should do start your own lists of little things. You can’t even imagine how little the things that are really getting under your skin are. Juts by writing out the little things that if ever changed you will be happier. I discovered that things as little as a missing pair of shoes can really ruin my mood. You can’t imagine the amount of blessings you have until you start writing out the little things you pray for God for and how many times God granted your wish. I discovered that I pray for things as little as finding a taxi and things as big as getting back home safe because that taxi driver was carelessly driving. You won’t know how many people out there really love you unless you start writing the list of people you believe will cry you when you die. I discovered that I have people who will really cry me. I discovered that I am being loved. I discovered that even long after I will go I will still be remembered. And I discovered that this deserves more work. I discovered that I should invest more in certain relations and I discovered which relations that I have really over invested in. and though I stopped planning for new years and I am officially hope-less person yet this year I decided to start wishing for others. I decided to start wishing for those people I think will cry me if I died. I decided to start hoping for them as long as I can’t come up with something to hope for myself.
And just out of habit I have to say this, it is the seasons of wishing. So wish, wish, wish, may all your wishes come true.