December 26, 2008

Just out of Habit

It isn’t that I don’t have anything to write about that has been keeping me from writing. Actually I have plenty of thoughts to share. And it is not really that I can’t hunt the words to form a meaningful sentence because most of the things I posted here didn’t make any sense.
The thing is I am cornered in my old favorite “loser corner”. Simple incidents trigger infinite loops of, I don’t really know if this describes it well, “I am nothing”.

So, now you will get me when I tell you that the fact that I am feeling “I am nothing” is the major factor contributing for my reluctance to share my thought-less thoughts. you will understand that sharing ideas like maintaining lists of little things that might make my life happier or lists of the little silly things I pray God for or the last list of the people I think will cry me if I died, sounds so silly. Yet out of habit I just shared it anyway.

You will understand that I didn’t find it as cheerful to celebrate the second anniversary for the blog. I really wanted to do but I didn’t really know what to celebrate. Should I celebrate that I have been doing the same thing for the last two years without losing interest?! I can’t claim that I didn’t have multiple thoughts about taking a long break like what Fadfadation did or maybe disappear from the whole blogosphere like what Arima did.

I can’t claim that Brad’s words about how superficial my ideas are and how they lack depth really got to me. I can’t deny that his words got to me because I am really writing to be read. I am really writing to communicate certain things I have in mind. Though I have always believed that I have always been writing anyway but as my sweet brother pointed out. You have always been writing but as far as you are posting in a public blog you are no longer doing it for yourself.
So being superficial and boring as Brad pointed out is an enough reason for me to quit. I am a narcissist constantly moaning about her life, who would really like to read this?! I occasionally get outside that shell and start talking about the world. But yet again, I am writing about the world from my narcissist view. These are enough reasons for me to stop, but yet again out of habit here I am moaning about what I think and really not doing anything about it.

And again out of habit, I decided to take one more into my narcissist world and tell you why I believe you should do start your own lists of little things. You can’t even imagine how little the things that are really getting under your skin are. Juts by writing out the little things that if ever changed you will be happier. I discovered that things as little as a missing pair of shoes can really ruin my mood. You can’t imagine the amount of blessings you have until you start writing out the little things you pray for God for and how many times God granted your wish. I discovered that I pray for things as little as finding a taxi and things as big as getting back home safe because that taxi driver was carelessly driving. You won’t know how many people out there really love you unless you start writing the list of people you believe will cry you when you die. I discovered that I have people who will really cry me. I discovered that I am being loved. I discovered that even long after I will go I will still be remembered. And I discovered that this deserves more work. I discovered that I should invest more in certain relations and I discovered which relations that I have really over invested in. and though I stopped planning for new years and I am officially hope-less person yet this year I decided to start wishing for others. I decided to start wishing for those people I think will cry me if I died. I decided to start hoping for them as long as I can’t come up with something to hope for myself.
And just out of habit I have to say this, it is the seasons of wishing. So wish, wish, wish, may all your wishes come true.


insomniac said...

eh da! i thought i was the "narcissist constantly moaning about her life"...

cheer up, we all do that, and somehow we all get read!!!

and yeah, good ideas for lists, despite how morbid the whole death things sounds :))

happy new year babe!

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Inso

Happy New Year to you too honey, ISA this year will be the start of many good years for you and your children.

The death thing is actually not that bad. It might have been started in a bad way. You know how I always have something buzzing in my mind that I won't talk much about and that thing was that if I died tomorrow I won't really be missed. And that I didn't do enough things for people to remember me and pray for me. It is some how related to the leaving a legacy thing.
You can't imagine how much this list improved my view of the little things I do. I know that I might be the most horrible friend in the world yet I have friends who will cry me if I ever died. I know they will. I know they will never forget me. And I know that God is merciful enough to let them remember to pray for me. And I won't ever be alone.

See, this is what happens when the "merriest" be off mood ;)

Only Love said...

Shi ya Shi :)
I really didn't like all this sadness inside of you :( eh yabnty el nakad dah kolo 3shan ehh!!

3ady walahy ely enty feh dah, kolna byegy 3lana wa2t w nb2a down keda ba 3ady kolo by3ady.
bas ehna keda el bnat nekadyen a2wl ma ne2fl w netnakd showaya khlas ba2a el donya tboz wkhlas nftekr kol el hagat el soda ely 3adet 3lana fy hyatna wel kman e7temal te3ady ba3d 77 sana keda w ne2adeha ketab hyaty ya 3an :D ;)

bosy ya Shi mayenfa3sh abdn enk t2oly 3la nafsek enk ( nothing) men a2lk keda, asln msh enty ely te2oly elnas ely 7awaleky w 3rfenek homa ely ye2olo.
may be you and me never meet before or even talking together through the phone for a once, but I swear I really loved you very much aw ya3ny a2dar kman a2olk 7asa enk wa7da sa7bty mn zman wy orayba mny w mestray7a leky a2wy. 7asa enk 7ad kowayes w gowaky hagat 7elwa kter.ana 3omry ma ba7es keda na7yet ay 7ad ela law kan fe3lan 7ad ( ALMOST PERFECT ) tab3an el kamal lelah bas walahy enty 7ad gamed a2wy :))
w ba3den ya sety concering your posts, ana 3la fekra etlmt mnk hagat kter momken, I haven't mentioned them before bas fe3lan lafaty nazary ly 7agat kter. w ba3den asln men ya3ny ely katb haga faze3a, mashoftesh 7ad katb haga 7araret flesten ya3ny! ektby ektby enty bas we7na hane2ra ;)
bring back this happy Shi and wish for yourself all the best coz you really deserve it and you will reach it all ISA :)))

P.S: ba2olk eh ra2yek tertbty b Ahmed akhoya waho enty bardo sa7bty wy awla bel lenses el alwan mn el ghareb :D ;) wla a2olk t3aly nero7 dream park yom :D :))))
sorry ya Shi for writing kol dah bas walahy I really love you w msh 3yzaky tb2y sad keda, w rbna YEDEKY TOLT EL 3OMR, HA TOLT EL 3OMR 3shan enty fy ur bucket list konty 3yza hagat kter lesa, go for your goal girl :)

Shimaa Gamal said...

My sweetest Noly :)
tayeb arod 3ala el kalam el 7elw dah ezzay?
rabena yekhaleeky leya ya a7la noona fi el donia
ana ha2olek ser el nakad eh, my grandpa 3ayan ba2aloh fatra and ba2aloh esboo3 fi el hospital. It is kinda depressing watching him like that plus many little other things that contribute to the not so good mood.
But you know I am not a sad person :) remember, when we 1st talked you said that i am not as sad as my writings :) So, even when I am down between you and me I always know that I will be up and that I will keep standing up after each fall because I happen to have the best friends ever.
And I too felt that we have known each other for ages :) so the feeling is mutual and you are a great girl. One reason that I really love blogging is that it was the reason I made friends with few really interesting people.

Thanks you so much for your words and your continous support.

Happy new year my dear, and please remember my grandpa in ur prayers.


batates_777 said...

Hello Shaimaa,
You see , you re read :) ,
I was checking FeedJit to see Egypt's top blogs , and yours was one amongst cheer up girl

I wonder that I find Inso everyblog I go now :)! really ! it is a samll world ! I been blogging for sometime and whenevr I am about to comment on somepost or smth I see Inso in common ! I been to her blog already..and Inso , i am still wishing you all luck and peace of mind.
Shaima, back to you , I once was writing to myself , and later I started to publish , yet I still believe that You should write for yourself ! whether you publish it or not ! its your blog ! nonetheless , no body hates to be read ! but it shouldnot be your only motive ! I once thought the same , and thought to quit , however am not only writing to be read , it just feels good sayin it out soemtimes!i feel like relieved!!! and if i dont write it in my blog I do as I used to on papers,so its all about writing...
some shrinks use it in their therapy sessions.
in so manytimes I was still waiting for response to some writing , especially when it is related to some irritating subject to me ! and I never had that, it might feels sad , or you really were lookin for the support...but whats really important for me that it was out.
am sorry for this long one , it just hit me :)
wishin you a happy new year :)

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Batates
First of all thanks for visiting and droping me a line.
When I wrote this post I didn't think that I will have such encouraging comments.

I started like you, writing to myself and I am still doing. I don't publish everything I write. And I agree it feels so good when you get feedback on certain ideas.But it isn't really depressing if no body noticed :) You know certain things aren't meant to be noticed and they weren't going to be noticed anyway if I kept it to myself ;)

Thanks for your nice words and thanks for letting me that I am being read :)))

Happy new year to you

Only Love said...

Shi ya Shi :)
I'm sorry for your grandpa, ISA he will recover soon w yeb2a zay el fol w yerga3 m3ako 3la khar ISA :)

aywa ana fakra fe3lan a2wl ma klmtk, kont msh mesda2a enk enty 3shan ana kont fakraky htb2y mokhtalefa bas tl3ty gamda :) ;)