Almost a year ago a sequence of incidents eventually led to burying the woman I used to have inside along with some memories and that sequence of unfortunate incidents in a big black box and throwing this big black box in a big dark sea.
Actually it was the woman’s choice to quit the known world. She preferred to live in a selected solitude where she can watch the things but never interfere. That decision was taken out of guilt and humiliation, feelings that I thought will fade in a year but unfortunately it didn’t. Laying in her chosen grave that woman forgave everyone but herself and forgot everything but the pain she brought onto me.
She can’t forget that she’s placed the wrong bets. She can’t forgive putting everything on stake and eventually losing everything because of a poor instinct. She is still blaming herself for dumping the safe shores of certainty to the blowing winds of uncertainty. She weeps of guilt for my restless nights that was brought with the new set of facts built on the results of her decisions.
It was the woman’s choice to be buried; she wanted to give me the chance for a fresh start. The last thing she said was “tomorrow is always a new day, seize it”. Now I believe that I have done the wrong thing burying the woman. It was never her mistake it has always been mine. She‘d always known, she’d always warned me but it was me who dragged her into everything.
It wasn’t her instinct that failed me, it wasn’t her intelligence and it was never her heart. The heart that was sure about the pull away, the intelligence that was sure it wasn’t a phobic attack and the instinct that just knew. It was her who felt the void and it was me who pushed her away.
I miss her. I miss how she used to know things. I miss how silly she used to unveil her cards. I miss her smart foolishness. I miss her confidence in things and in people. I miss her belief in the goddess inside.
I never thought I will ever miss her, I never thought that one day I will wonder if I buried the wrong person. I never thought that digging her up will be so hard. I never thought that burying her wasn’t the way to free my heart but it was another way for my heart to fail.