The 12th year

It has been 12 yrs since I wrote my 1st post on this blog.

I have been through a lot.

And honestly, some days - like today - I just feel I am tired.

I am tired .. 

Dear Iz

Hello Iz

I am not sure whether you are still reading me or not but in case you passed by this blog I would like you to know that while trying to make a list of the men I have known in the last 15 years I totally forgot you.
Actually I didn't remember you until I was trying to remember how things ended with another guy and why he never contacted me again.

I totally forgot you happened.

Imagine!

Dry Season

I fear the day I run out of men. 

I had dry seasons before, and I remember how it felt. But then it poured again. And it sort of pouring now but I can smell another dry season hitting hard. And I am not sure whether It is gonna be a temporary thing or that will be it.

I think this is why people get married. Because whenever you are married you sort of avoid that type of fear. 

Few months ago I was so scared to settle into a relationship because who would want to eat the same dish for the rest of their lives, and right now I fear of starvation.

I can't survive another dry spell I guess and you know what's worse? I have no man who would want to settle down with me.

The people I hate the most

So, there are people in my life who are "supposed" to be "loving" me. They sort of like to advise me on things so that I "lead a better life".

Those people some how find a way to say that I am a waste of potential. They believe that I am wasting whatever resources I have (time, money, knowledge, networks, talent .. etc) and not making full use of them.

I hate those people. I hate them so much. I hate how they turn my peaceful life into a series of miserable thoughts just because they wish to have what I have.

I hate them. I hate everyone who makes me feel I am useless.

Tolerance

There was time when love meant tolerating one another. Somewhere down the road that simple idea was challenged. And now, every time I hit emotional rock bottom it occurs to me that no one would tolerate it. It feels that no one should. Why would anyone tolerate someone who is going through the blues, especially that those "waves" aren't logical. It is just spells of crying, phases of not feeling good, days of struggling.

Why would anyone tolerate this?

You say love .. I thought part of love is tolerating those days. But somewhere down the road this idea was challenged. And in part, I am bluer because I feel no one should tolerate me.

I need to be tolerated. But no one should do.

Backup

Here is a confession. Over the past twenty years I developed one of my worst habits.
I started to keep men around as backup for other men. It isn't that I don't like them or anything. And it isn't that I promise them anything series.
I just never tell them that I am currently emotionally unavailable.

Why?

Because I was never really emotionally occupied. It is always complicated. And I sort of can't really live without feeling admired .. etc.

So, I keep some men as backup in case my current emotional dreams fail. My emotional dreams fail often and he who once was a backup turns to be the main object of interest and I don't settle untill I find another backup.

It is like me being a car, and my backup men are my spare tires. I can't move for long without a spare tire. Spare tires are essential for a safe drive, yet spare tires are just spare, i.e. inheriently unreliable for long-term.

Anyway, I can't seem to be ok with this habit these days. It feels kind of "whore-ish" and even worse it kind of sound "man-ish". Yet I am so scared to ask for a long stable relationship. It is scary to ask the main tire whether or not it will be able to act as the main tire. And it heartbreaking to let the spare tires go.

What am I supposed to do if the main tire failed me?

See, man-ish as I said!

A prayer at Saint Anna

Last night I watched the movie " A miracle at saint Anna". I loved the prayer scene. Here is the prayer.

God Almighty

The tree of life blossoms beside the shore of still waters.

The face of Christ is shining and it needs no candle, no light, Nor Sun.

There is no suffering in your Kingdom.

And we ask for your forgiveness merciful Father that we have not seen the light before this day.

For your light reigns forever.

It is a shining beacon that lights the path to your heavenly throne.

I may not be the man that you want me to be, O Lord.

I may not be the man that I should have been, O God.

But we are your people.

We ask you, Lord, to walk with us in our pain and our suffering as a nation of your children who glorify your name in victory.

Amen

On a side note

I can't remember when was the last time I was myself.

The Eternal Question

Do they think of me the same way I think of them?
Do they miss me the way I miss them?
Do they check on me the way I do with them?

Do you still read?

Him

There was a moment when I decided to let him go. I was with another man. I never stopped writing him, i never stopped loving him yet I kept moving on from one relationship to the other because I knew we were never going to happen.
So when I felt that keeping him in my life might affect my relationship with that man i decided to cut him off. I didnt really, i couldn't.
All what i could do back then was deleting every "evidence" that i kept contact with him while with the other guy ( not that the other guy would mind, we weren't exclusive). All what i could do back then was writing him about my relationship.
Pages of anger. Pages of blame for not stepping up and doing what the other guy was doing

Then the other guy left. And another guy came and then left and more came and left.

And nothing breaks my heart more than the fact that i thought i can give him up to have a "stable" relationahip.

Nothing breaks my heart like the memory of the things i have done because we are never going to happen.

Nothing breaks my heart like hopelessly loving him.