"Thing" could have been a nice memory if it weren't for how he decided to end it.
I am not stupid, yet somewhere down the road I learned to never let a man of the hook. When he started having an attitude, I started ignoring it. I wasn't going to give him what he wanted. He wanted me to fight for a definition so he could have an excuse to tell me "you don't deserve a definition you are nothing but a fling".
I wasn't going to fight for a definition, because I didn't want one. I was happy playing along. I am low maintenance. I learned how to not want things even if I deeply need them.
Anyway, so I didn't give him what he wanted. So, he did it anyway. He said all the things to make it clear that I am nothing but a desperate aging worthless woman.
And he was smart enough to say it without actually saying it.
And no, It wasn't in my head. And it isn't "defeat" because I don't feel defeated. I feel disappointed.
I don't feel disappointed because I think what he said was true. I feel disappointed because he had to say it.
I am sad not only because it ended. I am sad because how it ended.
It could have been a nice memory, but he made sure he ruined it for both of us.
I am not desperate. I didn't do him out of desperation. I did it out of hope.
I did it to explore new territories.
I did it to grow. I need to grow emotionally and he seemed like someone who would open new horizons for growing. But he ended up insulting me.
I am not desperate. I am smart, I am beautiful, and I am sexy. I don't do things because I am desperate, and I am not nice out of fear. I do things because I like exploring things, and I am nice because I don't like people to hate me. I know they will hate me anyway, so I try not to give them enough excuses.
I am not desperate. But right now, I am pathetically sad!
And this needed to be said out loud so I could forget and forgive and move on.