July 01, 2016

That Feeling

I am somewhere between angry and sad. I feel deeply insulted. He insulted me. The whole
"Thing" could have been a nice memory if it weren't for how he decided to end it.

I am not stupid, yet somewhere down the road I learned to never let a man of the hook. When he started having an attitude, I started ignoring it. I wasn't going to give him what he wanted. He wanted me to fight for a definition so he could have an excuse to tell me "you don't deserve a definition you are nothing but a fling".

I wasn't going to fight for a definition, because I didn't want one. I was happy playing along. I am low maintenance. I learned how to not want things even if I deeply need them. 

Anyway, so I didn't give him what he wanted. So, he did it anyway. He said all the things to make it clear that I am nothing but a desperate aging worthless woman. 

And he was smart enough to say it without actually saying it. 

And no, It wasn't in my head. And it isn't "defeat" because I don't feel defeated. I feel disappointed. 

I don't feel disappointed because I think what he said was true. I feel disappointed because he had to say it.

I am sad not only because it ended. I am sad because how it ended. 

It could have been a nice memory, but he made sure he ruined it for both of us.

I am not desperate. I didn't do him out of desperation. I did it out of hope. 

I did it to explore new territories. 

I did it to grow. I need to grow emotionally and he seemed like someone who would open new horizons for growing. But he ended up insulting me. 

I am not desperate. I am smart, I am beautiful, and I am sexy. I don't do things because I am desperate, and I am not nice out of fear. I do things because I like exploring things, and I am nice because I don't like people to hate me. I know they will hate me anyway, so I try not to give them enough excuses. 

I am not desperate. But right now, I am pathetically sad!

And this needed to be said out loud so I could forget and forgive and move on. 

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