Loss -3

I keep replaying the last week before my dady's death. I am trying to figure out whether or not he knew he was going to die.

I keep finding clues and hints. Things that could be interpreted as signs of being ready to leave. Yet I keep finding other hints and clues that he had no idea.

Replaying the incidents of our last week I discovered that my dad had always been ready to leave. He always knew he is going to die and always acted accordingly.

I will never be able to tell for sure whether or not he knew he is approaching his end line.

He knew that death was inevitable. He knew it could happen any time for any reason. He always knew that and he always acted accordingly.

Loss - 2

It feels like a dream, not only his death but rather my whole life feels like a dream now. 

Loss -1

I have a constant feeling that I am dreaming.
I have a constant feeling that I will wake up to dady calling my name.

The only thing that's annoying me is that there are so many details in this dream.

Only reality is that detailed.

That Feeling

I am somewhere between angry and sad. I feel deeply insulted. He insulted me. The whole
"Thing" could have been a nice memory if it weren't for how he decided to end it.

I am not stupid, yet somewhere down the road I learned to never let a man of the hook. When he started having an attitude, I started ignoring it. I wasn't going to give him what he wanted. He wanted me to fight for a definition so he could have an excuse to tell me "you don't deserve a definition you are nothing but a fling".

I wasn't going to fight for a definition, because I didn't want one. I was happy playing along. I am low maintenance. I learned how to not want things even if I deeply need them. 

Anyway, so I didn't give him what he wanted. So, he did it anyway. He said all the things to make it clear that I am nothing but a desperate aging worthless woman. 

And he was smart enough to say it without actually saying it. 

And no, It wasn't in my head. And it isn't "defeat" because I don't feel defeated. I feel disappointed. 

I don't feel disappointed because I think what he said was true. I feel disappointed because he had to say it.

I am sad not only because it ended. I am sad because how it ended. 

It could have been a nice memory, but he made sure he ruined it for both of us.

I am not desperate. I didn't do him out of desperation. I did it out of hope. 

I did it to explore new territories. 

I did it to grow. I need to grow emotionally and he seemed like someone who would open new horizons for growing. But he ended up insulting me. 

I am not desperate. I am smart, I am beautiful, and I am sexy. I don't do things because I am desperate, and I am not nice out of fear. I do things because I like exploring things, and I am nice because I don't like people to hate me. I know they will hate me anyway, so I try not to give them enough excuses. 

I am not desperate. But right now, I am pathetically sad!

And this needed to be said out loud so I could forget and forgive and move on.