Random Messages - 5

I am just lonely. It has become the new norm.
It is just like a huge monster is crushing my heart mercilessly.

I keep breathing. I keep doing what I always do. I keep looking around for friends, I keep writing, I keep making a fool of myself, I keep begging for things I know no one wants to give me, and I keep getting shut off.

I am at a point where I don't know exactly what's crushing my heart more, loneliness or the constant rejection. I don't know which is worse, having things to say & no one to listen to, or just pouring those things in random ears anyway.

I am lonely .. I miss having someone to talk with. I miss having someone who listens to my crazy ideas, someone who will listen to the same old story till I get to the new moral.

I am lonely .. and I don't really know how to undo this. 

Random Messages - 4

Dear him

In case you ever wondered what happened and why did I have to leave the way I did. 

I couldn't tolerate how you treat me anymore. And it isn't how you treat me, treat me in general. It is how you treat the female in me.

My dear, you are demeaning!

Everything you do, everything you say and every way you try to fix what the things you said & did, is demeaning. 

You panic! The moment you feel like I might be interested in you, you panic. And your panic is demeaning. You constantly put me in a position to defend myself and deny that I have feelings for you and this is demeaning.

Why is it demeaning I had to use the word too much?

Because I do have feelings for you! 

Because you have been the happy thought that gets me through my lonely nights.

Because at a moment you were my light at the end of the first tunnel

Because all of the above never meant I would ever want a relationship with you.

Wanna know why?

Because I deserve way more than what you have to offer.

Because I want more than a casual grey relationship

Because I need a man not a ghost and I need to feel loved and appreciated not just an on call sex buddy. 

Dear him, 

I have feelings for you yet I never wanted a relationship. And every time you panic at the idea that I might be wanting a relationship a part of me dies. 

I might be loving you, but I love myself more .. I had to leave.

Random Messages - 3

But none of them really knew me .. None of them cared to do.

Random Messages -2

Dear him

I love you. But you make me feel bad about myself. 

This has to end!

On Wait

People come around. They will all eventually do. Those who argued your political views, those who disagreed with your opinions. They always come around. There is always a moment when they confess that you were right. There is always a day when they preach the things you preached. And they will want the things you wanted years before. They will eventually pursue the relationships they declined, they will show the love you desperately needed.

People will eventually come around, and all what you have to do is wait on them to do.

Yet wait is the most expensive option as life might not wait on you.

Random Messages – 1

Dear Him

I hate you around my period! 

At 1^st I thought it was a mere coincidence then I realized that my feelings for you are as cyclical as my hormones. I like you and I take your shit happily then the hormone logic starts kicking in, and the more it kicks the more you become intolerable!

I hate you! I sincerely hate you! I can’t even breathe because you exist in my world. I want to surgically remove you from my life.

I hate you! Your mere existence pisses me off.

I’d pick up fights, I start contemplating scenarios of cutting you off. I try to keep it down yet sometimes it slips and you see glimpse of the anger … of the hate.

I hate you around my period! And this is a bad sign. 

On Leaps of Faith (Again!)

There is a point in your life when you just stop "leaping", not out of fear or hesitance, But you stop taking leaps because you know better, you have been there and you have done that.

There is a point in your life where you can tell the difference between faith and delusion.

There is a point of your life when the only "wise" thing to do is to stop trying.

Will you do the wise thing and risk standing still, or will you keep moving on and take the "delusional" leap?