Just out of Habit

It isn’t that I don’t have anything to write about that has been keeping me from writing. Actually I have plenty of thoughts to share. And it is not really that I can’t hunt the words to form a meaningful sentence because most of the things I posted here didn’t make any sense.
The thing is I am cornered in my old favorite “loser corner”. Simple incidents trigger infinite loops of, I don’t really know if this describes it well, “I am nothing”.

So, now you will get me when I tell you that the fact that I am feeling “I am nothing” is the major factor contributing for my reluctance to share my thought-less thoughts. you will understand that sharing ideas like maintaining lists of little things that might make my life happier or lists of the little silly things I pray God for or the last list of the people I think will cry me if I died, sounds so silly. Yet out of habit I just shared it anyway.

You will understand that I didn’t find it as cheerful to celebrate the second anniversary for the blog. I really wanted to do but I didn’t really know what to celebrate. Should I celebrate that I have been doing the same thing for the last two years without losing interest?! I can’t claim that I didn’t have multiple thoughts about taking a long break like what Fadfadation did or maybe disappear from the whole blogosphere like what Arima did.

I can’t claim that Brad’s words about how superficial my ideas are and how they lack depth really got to me. I can’t deny that his words got to me because I am really writing to be read. I am really writing to communicate certain things I have in mind. Though I have always believed that I have always been writing anyway but as my sweet brother pointed out. You have always been writing but as far as you are posting in a public blog you are no longer doing it for yourself.
So being superficial and boring as Brad pointed out is an enough reason for me to quit. I am a narcissist constantly moaning about her life, who would really like to read this?! I occasionally get outside that shell and start talking about the world. But yet again, I am writing about the world from my narcissist view. These are enough reasons for me to stop, but yet again out of habit here I am moaning about what I think and really not doing anything about it.

And again out of habit, I decided to take one more into my narcissist world and tell you why I believe you should do start your own lists of little things. You can’t even imagine how little the things that are really getting under your skin are. Juts by writing out the little things that if ever changed you will be happier. I discovered that things as little as a missing pair of shoes can really ruin my mood. You can’t imagine the amount of blessings you have until you start writing out the little things you pray for God for and how many times God granted your wish. I discovered that I pray for things as little as finding a taxi and things as big as getting back home safe because that taxi driver was carelessly driving. You won’t know how many people out there really love you unless you start writing the list of people you believe will cry you when you die. I discovered that I have people who will really cry me. I discovered that I am being loved. I discovered that even long after I will go I will still be remembered. And I discovered that this deserves more work. I discovered that I should invest more in certain relations and I discovered which relations that I have really over invested in. and though I stopped planning for new years and I am officially hope-less person yet this year I decided to start wishing for others. I decided to start wishing for those people I think will cry me if I died. I decided to start hoping for them as long as I can’t come up with something to hope for myself.
And just out of habit I have to say this, it is the seasons of wishing. So wish, wish, wish, may all your wishes come true.

Current Thought - Children

I never thought of having children. I am few months away from being thirty and it seems that my biological clock isn’t really working. I still didn’t get the urge of being a mother. And regardless how hard I try the longest time I can spend with a child is two hours.
Recently I have been spending more time around children. Nothing of my choice but it happens that most of the people I know got married and got kids. So their children became part of the package. The time I spend with my friends and their kids makes me appreciate my single status more.
I am not sure if I am a mother material, the same way I am not sure if I am a marriage material. I don’t know what makes a mother material. Motherhood is tricky on many levels. It starts way before getting married. I believe women should plan their motherhood early in their life. First by being healthy, we waste our health on many levels believing that our bodies belong to us. But the truth is, our bodies belong to our unborn children. Next comes choosing the father. Most women forget that factor while choosing a partner. We look for many things, we fall for different people and the least we think of is if they will ever be good fathers.
And when we eventually get married we just get pregnant because this is how things are done. Pregnancy is unplanned decision. There is even a common saying in Egypt, “that child was a mistake”. We are all children of mistakes. Our mothers and fathers never planned the time of having us. They just got us because this is how people get babies. Even after pregnancy the myths control the mother. A woman will probably believe old wives sayings rather than believing her doctor. A mother won’t put a delivery plan. The default option is natural delivery and a c-section only if there were complications. I rarely hear of women who opt for c-section because if it was her decision she would take lots of criticism.
When the baby is born, they would probably react as things occur. No one gets ready ahead. Out of the people I know only a couple invested some time reading about raising children and children psychology. Only few read about what to expect as their children grow. And only these few are the ones who thought of the principles they would raise their children on.
Only these few earned being mothers. The rest are those who give their children different complexes.
I am not sure if I will ever be a mother, I still didn’t plan it anyway. But if I ever to be a mother I think there is one thing that I want to teach my children. I want to teach them that anything isn’t right because everyone is doing it. An action can be wrong though it is widely accepted as right. I want to teach my children to believe in the right things they do even if they are the only ones who are doing it. I want to teach them the story of the little boy called Ibrahim who rejected the Gods his people worshiped and followed his instinct to truth.
I will teach them to stick to what they feel is right even if it was against my own beliefs.

What would you teach your children?