October 20, 2008

Time to Talk!

One more time I don’t really know where I should begin. I have multiple incoherent thoughts that I want to pour out into somebody else’s heart. But each time I try to speak these things up I end up silent. It is not only my typical fear of rejection and not because I can see another couple of “I have told you so” but I am not sure that if I finally managed speaking my heart out it will ever make any sense.
Yesterday, as I chatted the morning away with the infamous Mr. HH we got to the point where he asked me about what’s really wrong with me. Amazingly he finally noticed that I am not the person he used to know, if he ever knew me, he showed concern before but it was only yesterday when he started listing the things he thinks have changed in me.
“You have lost your shine” that was the first thing he noted. He said that I used to shine in a way but some how I lost this shine. I am not shining as I used to be when we first met. He said that I used to be smart, I used to think a lot and he believes that I really stopped using my mind. He believes that I have become extremely lazy; lazy like in that I have no urge to seek anything. I have stopped dreaming and I lost my will. He said that I have become indifferent to the world. And he wondered what went wrong for that I couldn’t resist as I have always done and why I have ended like this.
I couldn’t really find an answer to his question. I don’t believe anything went wrong. Though he admitted that he has noticed this change for a while now but the thing that made him talk was the fact that this change is becoming the norm. He said that I have stopped making troubles as I used to do and this, according to him, is a bad sign.
I can’t deny that I kind of appreciated his concern, because he has noticed the things he wasn’t supposed to notice. He noticed the change in character and he also felt that mood swing I have been into for a while. And though I have successfully maintained a life that he knows nothing about yet he still could figure out that I have not been enjoying those things I enjoy for unknown reason. He noticed that the talkative me isn’t that talkative, and that I have been avoiding certain subjects including the very subject he posed.
I kind of appreciated he noticed because I have been doing a tremendous effort so that none would notice that I am not really feeling good. I appreciated his care though he is part of that bad mood I suffer, along few other things.
He is part of that problem because he never stops pushing, he never stops brainwashing, and he never stops doing the things he has been doing for years. He is part of the problem because I never stop listening no matter how hard I try and I never stop falling regardless how hard I fight. He is part of the problem because I don’t want to fall and he knows that I was supposed to be fallen long time ago so he is literally nagging. And nagging is devastating. On one hand I know believing him will only lead to the same place we have always ended and on the other hand I can’t really say game over. I want to, but I always fail to say it because I don’t really want this game to end. (This is something that I will write about later)
But it won’t be fair if I claimed that the nagging HH is the only cause for that mood. Brad is another reason, though I don’t really want to talk about it but the things he did a couple of months ago, the things he said and the fights he made up out of nothing. The way he deliberately hurt me in the name of laying grounds for our friendship has left a scar on my heart that I don’t think I would forget soon. And has hurt that friendship in many ways regardless how it might seem intact.
Still, accusing HH and Brad of being the reason behind that mood will be unfair. Because I am also to be blamed as my reactions to the surroundings is behind 99% of the pressures that ruin my mood.
My problem is that my love life ( I don't know how could this be related to what I wrote before!!)has that effect on the other aspects of my life and because I barely had one that might explain why I have always been hanging between desperation and hope.
I guess these days I am on the hopeful side though I have never felt that desperate!!


insomniac said...

before i start commenting on the post....

enty 3amalty el mosaic these days, wala men abl keda? and oh oh, i like it and i get it :)

about the post...

shimaa honey, we all have phases in our lives where we lose our zest for life and seem to lose that shine, it's called bitterness... it's normal given a lot that's been going on, and in sha2 Allah i hope you overcome it and regain your glow soon enough :)))

and don't let HH's words get to you, i know that sometimes we need people to point out the things we feel, but you know better than to let yourself be vulnerable towards him just because he said things that are normally said by a guy like him... sorry for the condescending tone...

be well hun

kochia said...

اولا جبت القاموس وترجمت لي اربع خمس كلمات مكنتش عارفاهم خالص
وحذرت خمسة ستة غيرهم بالشبه
وربنا سهل بالباقي

ثانيا بقي
ساعات بنبقي مقبلين علي الحياة وبيبقي ده باين في عنينا
وساعات نحس انها ملهاش لزمة وللاسف برده بيبان في عنينا
ده مود ممكن نمر بيه كلنا .. مهما كانت اسبابه
لان رايي انه مش الاسباب هي السبب بقدر تقبلنا احنا ورؤيتنا وتفاعلنا مع هذه الاسباب
انا عندي قاعدة بعملها لما بوصل للحالة دي
بسين نفسي للموجة شوية .. كام يوم .. بحس اني تعبانة اوي ومش قادرة حتي اعوم واوجه نفسي في الحياة واستريح من الفكر خالص
وبعدين لما بتعافي قليلا باعاود العوم والمكافحة مع نفسي اولا
لاني عارفة
ان كل حاجة بتاخد وقتها
الدنيا دي الزمن هو كلمة السر فيها
لكن واحنا صاحيين
يعني مش هنام ونتركه يعالجنا .. لا .. مجرد برهة لنرتاح
والافضل الا نستمع كثيرا لملاحظات الاخرين في هذه المرحلة


Shimaa Gamal said...

My Dearest Inso
Enta elly fahemny ya gameel ;)
I just made that mosaic as I wrote that post; it has a little bit of everything I wanted to write.
I know that this phase is temporarily; I am feeling the way you feel before approaching a cross road. The thing is that cross road is kind of hiding behind fog. Anxious is one thing I feel, along some dissatisfaction of the roads I have chosen and doubt of the roads I might end up choosing.
Yet in the overall still hopeful and desperate, desperate out of habit and hopeful out of change ;)
I am trying not to make his words get to me, I don’t think it did but you are right it is something a guy like him is expected to say. And that’s why God gave us friends to remind us when not to listen to that crap.
Thanks honey *hugs & kisses*

Shimaa Gamal said...

Kochia My dear :)

مش عارفة إذا كان إستخدامك للقاموس مفيد و لا لأ ، بس والله بحاول بقدر الإمكان إنى ماكتبش كلام مش مفهوم .

أنا فعلاً بعمل زى ما إنت بتقولى ، بسيب نفسى للمود بس و أنا عارفة إنه له أخر ، الموود مهما كان إسمه موود علشان بيتغير . بيتقلب فى لحظة ، فلما بزعل ، بعيش اللحظة بس مش أكثر من اللحظة . هى المشكلة فعلاً فى تعليقات الأخرين ، لإنك ممكن تكونى عارفى إيه اللى حاصل و عارفة إنه حالة و هاتعدى ة يجوا ولاد الحلال يخلوا الدنيا ظلام دامس و إن نهايو العالم كانت أول إمبارح و إنتى ماخدتيش بالك . بس برضو تأثير كلامهم بيروح .

و الموود بيتعدل لما الواحد يلاقى ناس حلوة زيك كده تشده منه .

ميرسى يا قمر على الكلام الحلو

أخلص تحياتى

Anonymous said...

i dont know wat to say but sometimes i feel u r very strong girl and sometimes i feel the oposite.


Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Omar
It has been really a long time. I am so happy you are finally back, though you are still hiding on the msn ;)

We are all weak and strong in the same time, it just depends on the angle of prespection :)

Thanks for commenting :)

Don't hide again plzzzz

Anonymous said...

i am rili not hidding but just littel busy in work

akher al sana ba2a


Shimaa Gamal said...

mashy ya 3am el mohem ;) hanet kolaha couple of months and the year will end and we will see :)