I have been
trying to sugar coat my thoughts for a while. I have to admit that posting
anything to this blog is turning to be a walk in a mine field. Whatever I
write pisses someone off. I don’t like pissing the people I care about off, I
am losing the skill of sugar coating and I don’t know how to walk in a mine
field without having one exploding in my face.
Yet, this
very thought needs to get out of my brain. I will take the chances and just do
what I used to do. Spill it out and pretend it is to the void. Maybe, this time no
mines will explode.
So, and
without any further wasting of your precious time, I think by now most of you
know that I have love problems.
Somehow, I was
never lucky in love. As if I intentionally pick the wrong men. Because I am
sure there are right men out there (Though right now my mind keeps telling me
that they are all the same)
I used the
term unlucky to try to spare you the long talk about how much of a loser I am,
because as you know, I like to take all the blame. I don’t believe in luck.
People make their own lucks. So when you are unlucky it simply means you are
doing things wrong.
To cut a
long story short, my men’s problem seemed to be marriage. All of them believed
that I wanted to marry them. And the thought of marrying me was too scary.
They enjoyed
the entertainment phase. I can be entertaining. But whenever the idea of a
long-term/ serious relation appeared they simply disappeared.
Well, trying
to walk a mile in their shoes. Maybe they had every right to be scared. I am
scary! I am too much to be handled. I am emotionally messed up. Experts write
articles to advise people to not to marry people like me.
Because,
apparently, people like me are emotionally unhealthy. People like me will end
up bringing all their issues into the relationship. And no sane person would like
to marry into that!
But I won’t
blame the wise people warning the human kind of emotionally crippled people. Because,
you know, they have a point.
You can’t
blame luck for your failures as much as you can’t blame wise people for stating
the obvious.
But before I
lose point and before you jump to the conclusion that I am just another girl
who can’t find a husband.
This isn’t
about how or why my men ran away from me because they assumed I wanted to marry them (which was
true in most of the cases). It is more about the shape of the relationship I am
currently looking for.
A friend
once asked me couple of years ago what exactly do I need in a relationship. I
said all what I need is safe company. I want a man who would spend part of his
day communicating with me. Texting is fine, emails are ok, if he thought of
calling this will be very good. A call every other week would be appreciated
too. Every now and then I would love to be dined and wined and an annual escape to enjoy total exclusivity.
There is
also a level on intimacy that I would like to have fulfilled.
Safe company
is all what I am asking for. And by safe I mean I want a guarantee that he will
be there the next morning and that I don’t have to worry about other women or
other things taking my place.
Just a level
of commitment that tells me I am not just an entertainment. Is that much?
I didn’t ask
for marriage. All what I asked for is, a daily communication of whatever sort, an
occasional outing to enjoy the company and if possible a once a year one week
vacation.
Nothing more
…
Is that too
much?
