Backup

Here is a confession. Over the past twenty years I developed one of my worst habits.
I started to keep men around as backup for other men. It isn't that I don't like them or anything. And it isn't that I promise them anything series.
I just never tell them that I am currently emotionally unavailable.

Why?

Because I was never really emotionally occupied. It is always complicated. And I sort of can't really live without feeling admired .. etc.

So, I keep some men as backup in case my current emotional dreams fail. My emotional dreams fail often and he who once was a backup turns to be the main object of interest and I don't settle untill I find another backup.

It is like me being a car, and my backup men are my spare tires. I can't move for long without a spare tire. Spare tires are essential for a safe drive, yet spare tires are just spare, i.e. inheriently unreliable for long-term.

Anyway, I can't seem to be ok with this habit these days. It feels kind of "whore-ish" and even worse it kind of sound "man-ish". Yet I am so scared to ask for a long stable relationship. It is scary to ask the main tire whether or not it will be able to act as the main tire. And it heartbreaking to let the spare tires go.

What am I supposed to do if the main tire failed me?

See, man-ish as I said!

A prayer at Saint Anna

Last night I watched the movie " A miracle at saint Anna". I loved the prayer scene. Here is the prayer.

God Almighty

The tree of life blossoms beside the shore of still waters.

The face of Christ is shining and it needs no candle, no light, Nor Sun.

There is no suffering in your Kingdom.

And we ask for your forgiveness merciful Father that we have not seen the light before this day.

For your light reigns forever.

It is a shining beacon that lights the path to your heavenly throne.

I may not be the man that you want me to be, O Lord.

I may not be the man that I should have been, O God.

But we are your people.

We ask you, Lord, to walk with us in our pain and our suffering as a nation of your children who glorify your name in victory.

Amen