The Little Things

I don't remember exactly how and when I broke free from the "I want to get married" corner. The last thing I remember was H, and how "perfect" he seemed to be. I wanted to marry him. Then he said he isn't the marriage type. I started exploring other forms of relationships. I wanted to be with him. I kept thinking of ways, I tried my best to compromise. But it didn't work. He married someone else. It felt as bad as the sentence sound back then. It took me years to understand his motives. It took me years to feel ok that he is with someone else. But something happened in those years. I turned nihilist. The absurdity of life some how is heavier than what I can take. And I just can't think of committing anymore. I can't do home/ kids.
Sometimes I wonder whether or not those feelings are authentic. Because regardless my feelings towards marriage I still want a stable relationship. I still crave the little details. The morning texts, the random calls, the outings, birthdays, the safe company. I am still wanting a tomorrow with someone without worrying that he will leave. I want to fight without fearing it will end the relationahip.
I want details, lots of details.

I want a future

I need a promise ... 

Jealousy

I used to get jealous. I used to feel the heaviness of competition. Then I met him. And I realized that I shouldn't feel threatened by other women. There will always be other women but their presence isn't a threat to me.
I am ok the way I am, I am loved for who I am.
I realized that it is men who compete to get to me and I shouldn't ever worry or feel threatened.

The things is he left, but that didn't change a thing. I am loved for who I am. I am not in competition with someone else.

There will always be other women. But none of them will ever be me.

3 A.M. Thoughts

Sometimes I wonder whether he ruined me beyond fixing or fixed me beyond ruining.

Anger

He said that I needed a fight so he gave me what I needed. I denied that I was looking for a fight yet kept fighting.
He listened, he doesn't usually listen.
He listened because I was angry and he wanted to know why I was so angry.
I am angry because he stalled when I was ready and because I stalled when he was ready.
I am angry because others did the things he was supposed to do. I am angry because he had known these things since forever and he chose not to do them.
I am angry because i know he did the right thing. Yet i can't help being angry every time someone else does smth i wanted him to do.

I am angry .. and i can't stop fighting.