Emptiness

Some of my best writings are wasted on emails. I know they are among my best writings because they are always honest, they are always uncensored and most importantly they are always loaded with emotions.
Why I think they are wasted on emails? Well, I don't really believe they are wasted. Just sometimes certain ideas are really good I wish I was able to use them in a bigger project.
An example of these ideas is how i described the feeling of emptiness. People usually think that emptiness is a shallow feeling, or maybe emptiness makes one shallow. But I think emptiness is so profound. It is even profounder than pain. That said, I think happiness is shallow. Think about it, regardless how happily you feel happiness never touches as deep as sadness does. It is like pain can get to the roots of your soul. Pain can reach where it is all dark and scary. Pain is pain because it can touch where happiness can't.
Emptiness is profounder because if pain can touch the roots of your soul, emptiness is the said roots. Emptiness is where there is absolutely nothing. No joy, no pain and no life. When you are empty you can't feel a thing. When you are empty you seem alive, as you breathe, talk, walk and do what "alive" people do you will be constantly mistaken to be alive but when you are empty you are not alive because what's life without feeling.

I will be ok.

I know one day I will wake up and I will be able to engage in trivial drama. I know one day I will wake up angry at a man I love. I know one day I will wake up with new attachments, with new hopes and fears.
I know one day I will wake up and say life is futile while wanting it to have a meaning, but till this one day come life is meaningless, and I am feelingless.

Thirty Seven

Seven years ago, on the eve of my birthday and while I was preparing myself to cross into the thirties my grandpa died. I remember that day so good because I had a good day till the point I got the call telling me that he’s gone.

I had plans to celebrate turning thirty, and for an unknown reason or probably just regular excitement I celebrated early.

I spent my birthday crying my late grandpa and replaying the last months that lead to his death. He was ill, he was in and out of hospitals to many times. He was once in the ICU and everyone thought he won’t make it but he did. Then his doctor suggested he should have an operation. According to his doctors his chances of life and death were equal whether he had the operation or not but had the operation succeeded he will be able to live for many years to come.

I saw my grandpa a day before the operation. Something inside me kept telling me that we are saying our last goodbyes. In that day my grandpa was in a relatively good shape, sometimes I wish I voiced the idea that crossed my mind when I saw him and the he shouldn’t be having this operation anyway as long as he seems to be improving.

He died in the eve of my thirtieth birthday. Yet he wasn’t the 1^st grandparent to do it. His wife (my maternal grandma died two days ahead of my 16^th  birthday). And three years after his death my paternal grandma dies three days ahead of my birthday.

I remember how sad my father was when my grandpa died. I remember that he just went to the hospital though he knew he won’t do anything. He just wanted to be there.  Yet I remember that he brought me a gift and gave it to me. I remember him saying that my grandpa died yet it is my birthday. I remember him giving me the gift and saying: “happy birthday Misho”.

I didn’t know back then that seven years later I will spend my birthday thinking of this exact situation trying to figure out what lesson did my dad intend by giving me this gift in that time.

Did he want me to know that regardless how deeply he is grieving the loss of my grandpa yet he loved me more, or did he want me to know that life should always trump death?

I keep thinking of this very incident as I am passing the 37^th line while grieving my own father’s death. My father didn’t die on my birthday; he died a little over a month earlier and a little over a month after his 73^rd birthday.

I keep thinking what would my dad do, and what would he want me to do?

I can’t claim that I am starting my 38^th year feeling lost, because whatever feeling I am going through since my daddy’s death is more profound than words.

My 37^th year was rough, even before daddy passed away. My years start with my birthday and the 37^th year started we a huge fight with someone whom I used to consider a close friend. A fight that led to more fights over the course of the year and eventually to the end of the said friendship. Later on my writing dream came to an “expected” hold for reasons I foresaw yet had nothing to do to stop or change. I also got into a sort of relation with Mr. “Don’t count us as a relationship”. “Him” was an eye opener. How I opened up to experiment getting lost into something that I knew better than even attempting to seriously consider. And how doing so opened up space for novel ideas and feelings.

A definitive moment was him asking me about a certain someone, and how his seemly innocent question made me realize that I was never really over that certain someone and my feelings for him had been the same. My feelings for that certain someone remained as fresh and as intense regardless how many years passed since “we” were over and regardless everything I did to get over him. I even still tremble every time I remember how I felt facing that question.

And though it seems that I have enjoyed the discoveries that “no relation” with Mr. “don’t count me as relationship” yet it was rough. I still got many questions unanswered. And he/ it left scratches that will need time to heal and might lead to complications.

But what made my 37^th year really rough was the idea that I am going to lose my dad. He had several health issues that kept me on my nerves. Ironically nothing I worried about killed him, what killed him was something no one would see and even worse something that no one could stop.

He died anyway, and now I am starting my 38^th year without him.

I have no safety nets. I am officially a grownup.

P.S.

The birthday test never fails. Only those who love you will remember. And only those who love you will make the call regardless how inconvenient the circumstances seems to be.

Only those who love you will show their love because they know that love conquers all.

Loss - 5

I keep saying that I will be ok. Actually I am ok most of the time. I am ok because miraculously my memory decided to erase years of my life. I technically find it hard to recall simple information like my birthdate and where I live.

I am ok as long as I don't remember that I ever had a father. The moment I remember that is that moment I am not ok. And by not ok I mean that I feel suicidal. I know I am not going to commit suicide (I am not there yet) but I feel like life is futile. I can't take how absurd it is.

I am not ok. I know it is a process. I know that I will find my way out of it. I just don't know when, or how.

Loss - 4

Did I ever take my father for granted?

I don't know. I will never know because he isn't there to answer the question. Actually this is a question that I was never ever going to ask him.

I used to ask him other types of questions. My Dady "was" a knowledgeable person, so even in the age of google I would simply ask him about stuff. Random stuff, I would ask dady 1st then ask google.

I asked him about almost everything in this life.

One of the many things that scares me now is that I will always have to find the answers myself. I will always have to be sure I got the answers right because Dady isn't here anymore to validate me.

Which leads to another "important" conclusion. I think I never needed validation from people because I had Dady's validation. People always saw me as strong and confident, now I strongly believe they saw me this way because I always acted in the light that there is a strong safety net that will catch me if I ever really fall.

Did I ever took my father for granted?

Off course I did! And he was totally happy I did.

I think the father/ child relationship is the only relationship that function on the taking the other party for granted. It is the safety of having someone stuck with you no matter what you do to them.

A safety that no one will ever be able to match.