May 11, 2016

The Love - Writing Paradox

Few years ago a guy asked me, "When did you start writing?". I automatically answered, "I don't know! I think I have been writing all my life!". I know the answer might sound slightly unreal, because no one would ever write all their life. At least they first learn their letters, then learn how to form sentences, then there is always a point where you start developing the writing "sense". It isn't a skill, a skill could be acquired. But the writing sense it is more like how some people will have an edge with smells, or differentiating colors .. etc.
When you have the writing sense you start seeing life in a different way and you start articulating this view. It isn't a skill of putting words together, it is a sense that like other senses could be affected by different aspects.

I don't really remember when did the whole writing sense thing started. Sometimes it feels like it has been there all my life and other times it feels like it was never there. But for better or worse, right now I could safely identify as a girl who writes.

What does this have to do with love?

Well, for the last 10 years every man I have ever met was interested in me because of the writing sense thing. It seems like my only comparative advantage or something!

Anyway, so a typical scenario will be a guy who likes me because of how I "express" my feelings, or how I have an opinion .. etc. approaches me. Sometimes I am being approached by lame people who will get shut off without a second thought, other times the guys are just irresistible! And so it happens.

At first the relationship goes smoothly, then the power struggles starts cooking. I never start them btw. A thing that many wouldn't know about me, I like old fashioned relationship power balance. But for unknown reason things never go this way. I usually blame myself, but this time I am going to split the blame equally between me and the guys.

They always seem to want to force their definition of the relationship, and I resist that. I don't give up what I want easily, so the relationship sort of get stuck between my rock and their hard place (yeah, pun intended!).

The common theme is a man so upset that I start shedding light on his negative sides once things go south. The funny part is that none of these men who hated how I told their story after it ended  ever hated the fact that I have made legends out of them when things were good.

I am just writing things as they happen. When you are being a good man I happily say you are one, when you are being a bastard I will make sure this too is being documented.

I write! And the fact that I write was why you came into my life in the 1st place. So why so angry when you turn to another story. A story that will probably attract another man. A man who will try to tame the writer, crop the vision, and shove life definitions down my throat and think he is winning, till he realizes he is not.

I write! This isn't going to change, not willingly at least. And I need a relationship. I have had enough stories. I have had enough power struggles.

I have had enough.

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