Devastated

Sometimes I think that if it weren't for my persistence I wouldn't have had any relationship with any of the ex's.
I know it is good to think that they have chosen to keep me around because they valued me regardless the end of relationship. But the truth is, I worked to keep them. I walked the whole way to keep them.
The thruth is none of them "returned". I am the one who haunted them to get them back.

The truth is, this realization is so devastating.

One fine Monday

I have a sort of obsessive compulsive thing. Some thoughts -negative thoughts-  take over my mind. I just can't help it. And it takes me lots of work to keep it checked. It drains me.
I try not to tell those thoughts to anyone for many reasons. I try not to act upon those thoughts ( i usually fail).
Anyway, those obssessive compulsive thoughts put me under lots of stress. The stress of the thoughts itself and the stress of trying to keep it to myself.
That Monday was seemingly just another day. On the surface I was a totally "normal" person. But I wasn't. That Monday marked the end of a week of an obsessive thinking. I was finally relived of the burden of both the thought and trying to keeping it at bay.
That Monday I had plans that got canceled. And an unplanned meeting with a person that I didn't really want to meet.
That Monday I was tired, I was out of form emotionally, mentally and physically.
That Monday I spilled parts of how stressful my week was because of the thought. He made a joke about it that I took seriously.

That Monday was how it ended.

I had a thought that I couldn't calm, I secretly acted upon the thought for a week. When I finally realized how pathetic I was, I started talking about it.
I didn't realize then that my obsessive thinking isn't really as funny as i think it is.

Actually it isn't funny. It is stressing and draining. I make fun of it because I make fun of everything in life.

I have obsessive compulsive thinking. And sometimes (oftenly) it drasticly affect my life.