Remember when I wrote that I didn’t like my options?
I remember the time when I decided to give up. I gave up my
job, I gave up my dreams. I gave up lots of my appetite for living.
Nothing seemed to work. So I decided not to exert any more
efforts. I decided to stay where I was.
And I also remember when he posted a job vacancy. A job that
might be considered trivial by many. It was a part time job, a work from home
job. He wanted someone to assist him in doing a research for a new book he was
planning to write.
I was never more hesitant than that night looking at that
Ad. It looked as if it was tailored for me, all he wanted was someone who is an
avid reader, and thorough researcher. Both are things that I do on daily basis,
and I have done extended researches in my post-graduate studies. Yet I hesitated
a lot. I didn’t have enough confidence. I feared that he won’t find me fit for
that job.
I applied anyway, I decided not to put real hopes on getting
it and convinced myself that I have nothing to lose.
I won!
I got the job. And for little less than a year, I wrote
daily reports of my finding and my comments on them. I enjoyed insightful
discussion.
For less than a year, I did something that I loved and I got
paid for doing it.
Then he gave me my fairytale. He offered me a job as a
writer!
Lots of girls spend their childhoods dreaming of prince charming,
I spent my childhood and most of my adulthood dreaming of being given such opportunity
exactly the way it was offered.
The night he made the offer, was literally the best day in
my life. I don’t remember that I ever jumped and danced while unable to resist crying
out of joy.
Then he died. I still can’t process that. If I was ever
asked to name loss, I think I will say Mom and him. I have no other names that
could fit the definition of loss.
He got me out of my dark place.
He gave me the best night of my life, he gave me a chance to
enjoy little victories. He gave me life, even if some will say that I am holding
on to an illusion. But I will enjoy my illusion while it lasts.
When I was dancing with joy celebrating the best night in my
life, I looked around me to find someone who would be as happy for me. I had to
wait for my sister to share the news and dance for a few minutes before she fell
asleep.
With every little victory, I look around me and search for
someone to celebrate with.
My childhood dream always had someone beside me, a man, a
lover, a husband who cares and celebrates. But I got the dream sans the man.
And it is totally fine.
At first I felt lonely, sometimes I still do. But I will be
such an ungrateful person if I said I have no one who cares and celebrates.
I am surrounded by a loving family, and a huge network of
loyal friends.
I am really grateful to have people like them in my life. And
I will never trade such love and care with a love of a man.
Today is one of those days that can be considered a little
victory. And I am writing this to make sure that you know, all of you … each
and every one of you. People who have spent time reading my drafts and
correcting them. People who have heard me nag for hours, people who comforted
me when I was down. People who encouraged me to keep going. People who loved me unconditionally through years.
I am not going to name names, each and every one of you
knows exactly what she/ he has been doing. I want you to know that I am really
grateful. And there is nothing that I can say or do to thank you enough.
I am blessed I have you.
And if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have reached the 100
articles mark.
Thank you!
