My Boat

 He overwhelms me, his love overwhelms me. 

The other day we had an argument. He wanted me to cut off a friend. He said he wasn't jealous and he just hates the guy and thinks I shouldn't be friends with him.

I refused. 

We moved on, or so I thought. 

Maybe he moved on, maybe he will get back to it later. 

But I stood there thinking of the right thing to do. I have always thought of my life as a small boat in a turbulent  sea. I have always looked for company for the journey, someone who can sail, perhaps swim. 

I have always thought of my life as a boat and then he comes and he offers me a shore.

He isn't going to sail my boat. He isn't going to tow my boat to his because his life isn't a boat in a turbulent sea. 

He is an island. 

He is rooted.

His love isn't raw like mine. 

Unlike me he isn't a force of nature.

We had an argument about a friend, and I realized that he offers a shore.

And the question is whether or not I am ready to leave the boat behind. Whether or not I am ready to quit the sea and brave the unknown of the land. 

He overwhelms me, his love is overwhelming and it isn't bad. it is overwhelmingly good. 

Pages from a Torn Diary - Betrayal

When "H" broke up with me I was in so much pain. One day I will be able to reflect on why H was that painful. After all, he was nothing but an ordinary man. Just another story. Yet, his story left me sore, too sore it still hurts today.

Anyway, so amid the pain I got a phone call from a friend. I knew that friend had feelings for me. I knew about his feelings not only because I felt it but because he told me more than once about those feelings.

Me and him were never going to happen or work. So I repeatedly told him that we'd better stay friends.

But he had the habit of calling whenever he sensed from the things I wrote that I am not feeling ok. So he called after H. And I was crying, I used to cry all the time after H.

Anyway, he comforted me and listened as a good friend would do. Then he reopened the subject of "us". I replied that I am broken and I will be using him if I said yes. He said, no. One day you will know that I am the one using you and not the oppositte.

I gave him a try.

It was a one time sort of date. He then pulled back. I needed emotional support, and he wasn't ready to give any. He acted just like any of the other men I had in my life. He wanted to be available only when he wanted to be available.

I was really disappointed in what he did but instead of blaming him I downgraded him from the friend status to the someone I used to know status.

He betrayed me.

And this is the point. We go through phases of our lives when we are vulnerable to different types of predators. We build defenses to keep the devils away. Friends are supposed to be one of our lines of defenses. So when he allowed himself to "use" a clear weakness. When he allowed himself to offer things that he has no plans to fulfill just to get me to do something I wouldn't have done if I weren't in that emotional state, he did nothing but betraying me.

We are not supposed to betray people's trust. We are not supposed to exploit our friends' vulnerabilities.

Bitter Ends

- What happened?

- He just couldn't handle how real my love is!

Attachments Again

I get attached!

I get attached to people and I get attached to things.

I get attached to potential.

I get attached to hope.

It always end up bad.

I try not to get attached but I am just an orphan kitten looking for a sign of a promise that there will be tomorrow and there won't be pain.

Home

I have been having this feeling for a while. I don't feel home while I am home.

I rarely go out. But sometimes when I do I don't feel like I want to go home.

Sometimes I wish time stops and I spend the rest of my life in a single moment.

I wanna go home! 

Piles

It is like I am piling up emotions and dragging the piles around.

There is a huge pile called I misd Abdullah.

Another pile labeled defeat.

A pile named after H.

A pile of insecurities.

A pile of uncertainties.

A pile of fear.

And a huge pile of loneliness.

I keep moving around dragging all these feelings.

I have no idea how to deal with them.

On Daydreaming

I get attached to the things I imagine.

Defeat

I feel defeated!

I had a series of surprise birthday parties/ gifts/ texts & phone calls. Part of this could be attributed to the fact that I have plenty of loving friends and family. And part could be attributed to the fact that I changed the settings to my birthday on facebook to public. I decided as a treat for my 35^th birthday to indulge in self celebratory attitude. Guess what? It worked. And I had one of the best birthdays in my 35 yrs.

Yet that leads us back to the defeat.

I feel defeated!

And this defeat could be put in one sentence. I am never enough!

I am never enough … and it is exhausting. It has been exhausting all my life to try to be of worth.

And now as I realize that I have lost each and every battle I have ever been at, I am starting to wonder what does a person do after losing the war?

I have spent all my life thinking that all what you have to do is keep fighting. You keep trying. You never give up. You don’t quit. I have spent all my life believing that losing a battle doesn’t mean losing the whole war.

But I feel defeated.

I have no energy to fight. But I have no idea what do you do with defeat!

Loneliness Again!

You can't break out of the loneliness jail …

The Drill

A couple of years ago I was watching Grey's Anatomy and I envied Meredith and the gang for having Dr.Webber.

I wanted to have my Dr.Webber too. I wanted someone to guide me without being controlling. Someone who would help me reach parts of my hidden potential and push me to find more.

I wanted my Richard Webber and God was kind and gave me Abdullah Kamal.

He died suddenly on Friday the 13th. His kind heart failed him and us.

I have spent years trying to explain loss to people but loss can't be explained.
No one would get it unless they walked down the same dark isle.

I know the drill. I have been there, I have done that.

And the worst part is ... it gets worse with time.

This too shall pass ... over my heart!

Classic!

The story goes like this. He just fits. In every possible aspect. But he left.
Then someone comes along. He doesn't fit but he is going to stay.

What would a smart girl do?

What would I do?

Between a Rock & a Hard Place

It is really simple. I have been suffering for months. My heart is being crushed day in/ day out.

I have tried everything possible. I am even half a step away from fulfilling a childhood dream.

I ate. I shopped. I worked. I dated men.

I did everything I could do. Yet I am stuck.

I fail.

And he is happy.

He is married. He is doing all the things he said he doesn't want to do.

I am stuck. I am struggling. I am in pain.

I am tired.

I don't even know how do I feel.

It is just painful.

I am stuck.

I am too old for this.

I am not supposed to be feeling this way.

I am stuck! And I am being crushed by my own feelings.

The Death of the Fairytale

I have always wanted a fairytale. Deep inside me there is a little girl who is waiting for her prince charming.  Deep down I believe in true love. I believe that love conquers all.

With every relationship a part of me looked for the fairytale. I waited for my men to come around. I wanted them to choose me.  I believed our love will conquer all.

It just didn’t happen but I didn’t really care. I kept believing in magic, I kept the little girl and her fairytale alive regardless what I really said.

Then I met him!

He didn’t believe in magic. He repeatedly said that our problem is that I hate reality while he is real. He spoke facts. He said that life had no fairytales.

For the 1^st time I thought maybe I should let go of the fairytale. Maybe love doesn’t really conquer all. 

He left proving once again that love isn’t enough. That there is no prince charming who would conquer all to be beside his princess.

But that wasn’t what killed the fairytale. What really deprived me from my belief in magic is the fact that he left to get back to his ex wife.

He left to be with what he repeatedly described as an obnoxious woman.

The excuse he has been giving to the world is “I am doing it for my daughter”.

But what he is really doing is that he is pretending to be happily in love with the mother.

He is giving the little kid a proof that love conquers all. His is giving her a fairytale. Her father and mother who got divorced for years are getting back together.

A prince charming is coming around for his princess.

The man who never believed in magic is turning into a magician. The man who said he doesn’t want his kid to believe in fairytales is making a fairytale come to true to please the little girl. The man who said I live in my dreams while he is nothing but reality stole my fairytale and gave it to them.

My fairytale is dead.

Day in/ Day out

The point is I don't want to do any of the things I am doing.

I didn't want to do any of the things I have done.

But I have to keep doing. I have to keep trying. I have to move on. Because moving on is what rational people do.

Yet I don't want to. I didn't want it to end.

I wanted days with him. I wanted years of us sharing a bed, a couch, a cup of coffee, a book, a bath and a full life.

I wanted to have heated sex and discussions.

I wanted lots of things ... for the very 1st time in my life I knew what i wanted exactly.

But I have to move on. I have to keep doing all the things I don't want to do. I have to stay busy. I have to keep trying.

This is what rational people do!

S.M.A.R.T

He called me smart and that made me cry. I told him that everyone else called me smart. It is becoming more of an offense.

They all called me smart but wanted one thing.

They wanted sex.

He wanted sex too.

So I cried.

They all say they love me, they all call me smart, they all want sex and they all break my heart.

I just want a man who doesn’t call me smart.

I am not smart. Smart women don’t get their hearts broken.

Unnecessary Confession

It is both our fault. We kept saying it was nothing. We pretended it was nothing. And now it had to end & we both know we can't put an end to nothing.
It is something. It had always been something and that's why it had to end. Tragically.

It is both our fault.

On That Corner

I am 34. According to my mirror I shouldn’t be feeling the way I am feeling. I have grey hairs, I have wrinkles, I am not 24 anymore. I aged. I am not supposed to feel like this.

I am lonely, I am broken hearted, I am asking the same set of questions I have been asking for years.

I am tried.

I am seriously tired.

I am tired of the endless tears. I am tired of the bad temper. I am tired of the clichés. I am tired of blaming myself.

I am tired of being trapped in this corner.

I am tired of feeling used and cheap.

I am tired of nagging, begging and feeling that I am asking for too much.

I am tired of asking. I shouldn’t be asking.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

The problem is, you can mend a broken heart. Once, twice, thrice but then it is soul breaking.

You change, deeply. You don’t lose your self confidence. You simply stop believing in the good in the world.

What’s the point of living then?

My soul is broken. And I don’t know how to mend this.

Status Report

I feel exhausted.

I feel trapped.

I am always feeling the same way.

I feel I am too old for this. I am going on 35, I must be feeling different, I should be having different worries.

I need to get past my feelings, my nagging needs and my hopes & dreams.

I need to kill that little girl hungry for life. 

I need to understand that there are things that are not going to happen.

I feel exhausted .. 

I also realized that not only that I was never the "sweep them of their feet" type but also I was never the "grow on them by time" type.

They all left ... They will all leave.

I am never missed .. 

I am trapped in my feelings ... I am cornered in my needs.

I am so exhausted.

H.U.N.G.R.Y

I got my heart broken. Again!

I know it has become the norm. Some of you must be wondering why I keep doing this to myself.

Honestly, every time I fall in love I decide it will be the last time. The first time I fell in love I thought it will be the 1st and the last but things didn't work out as I expected. So I did it again with the “this man will be my last man” in mind. I kept repeating for God knows how many times till I got to that man.

He is 7 yrs older. Mature, or so he appears to be. He is much more experienced than me. He is smart, handsome, plays different social and mental leagues. He is interesting on every aspect. It was natural for me to like him.

“Like” might be an understatement. I deeply liked him. I liked how he thinks, how he writes, how he speaks, his voice, his smile, how he treats people and how he can win the hearts of almost everyone.

I liked the chemistry I felt between us, how similar his priorities and mine are, and I liked the daemons and spirits he magically awakened in me.

Falling in love with him was the next logical step.

I didn't want to fall for him. But it happened!

“He is going to be the last one” I said to myself. Again!

I didn't have enough experience to stir the relationship and I was scared I might scare him away.

He took control of the relationship and day after day I started realizing how deep the compromises I would need to do if that relationship was ever meant to survive.

I am 34 yrs, yet I never had a “serious” relationship. At my age, my 1st wish for every New Year is still a “stable relationship”. I never got past the “fear of rejection” phase. I want to know how it feels to be “accepted”.

I never got a man’s love for granted. I never got to the phase where couples comfortably fight. All my relationships ended at the very 1st sign of “conflict of interests”.

I was hungry for stability, while he wanted to keep whatever we had “short and shallow”. What we had wasn't really shallow. It was full of details, inside jokes, secrets that no one would know except the two of us. Yet, I think he didn't want this to mean anything.

He was escaping “stability”; he is divorced with a kid. He already has a “stable” commitment in his life (to his daughter). Already tried, “stable” commitment and didn't really work out (to his ex wife).

Stability wasn't his dish, while it was all what I craved.

Then came another thing. I am a virgin. Sex was an issue. He wanted sex and I couldn't give him sex on “short and shallow” basis. For him sex is just another natural step, it wasn't a big deal. But it was a big deal for me. He was understanding. He didn't push anything yet he couldn't understand my hunger for the things lesser than sex. He found no point in them as long as I am not going to do “anything”. In his own words, this isn't sex. But it was satisfying for me in many ways that he couldn't get.

I was hungry for different levels of intimacy, while he constantly felt he was too old for this.

Sex was something we both wanted but on different terms.

The different terms might sum up the whole struggle. I wanted things that girls in their teens would want. It is totally expected that I would want them. I didn't do any of these things before. I was waiting for the right man. I was waiting for him to come along. But he wasn't waiting for me. He had a full life before me.

He tried all the details I have been craving to the point of boredom. His life after me wasn't really accommodating of those needs all the time.

I want to fall in love, to be swept off my feet often, to be able to dream, to have the sweet talks, the kisses, planning a life together, naming unborn kids, to be comfortable discussing awkward topics and to have sex while knowing it is a huge step with lots of meanings … I am hungry for details that people my age have out grown long time ago.

I am 34 yrs old and single, eligible men are all like that guy. They already lived and their lives ahead aren't so accommodating for a grey haired virgin who is longing to live her teen-aging years.

Compromising my hunger is a must for any of these guys to even consider a relationship with me.

My hunger is more of a liability. It is, I believe, a huge turn off.

A late 30s, early 40s guy wouldn't want to do the things he has done in his 20s.

I spent my 20s waiting.

An early 40s guy doesn't really care whether or not I am a virgin. He doesn't care how many men broke me before I met him. He knows that shit happens and life goes on.

He would listen to the stories but he isn't here to mend anything. Mending is something younger people try because they still didn't experience life and still couldn't get the fact that some things can’t be mended and among them are life scars.

What an early 40s guy worry about is whether or not I am in for a relationship on the terms he set. What worries an early 40s guy is that there is a teen hiding inside what seems to be a grown up woman.

A teen who would complicate everything because she is so hungry for a life that she should have out grown by now.

But that teen is there because that teen has been trying to do the right thing. That teen believed all the things she was raised to believe.

That teen waited to have things the right way, and now as she watches grey hair and wrinkles spreading everywhere, the right way doesn't seem to be so right after all.

The point is, I am hungry and he was full.

He is every man and I am every “teen” woman.

 … and my heart is broken again. 

Every Man's Nightmare!

If my mom would have ever had last words to tell me, they would have been “Shimaa stop being arrogant”.  She had always warned me of my arrogance.

But I wasn’t that arrogant to ignore the warnings. I have always tried not to be arrogant. I hide lots of my “confidence” and lots of my “views of things”. I try my best to keep my “arrogance” at bay.

The other night as I was reflecting on my last heartbreak I realized that one of the reasons I get my heart broken is that I don’t know why they leave me. Why would a man leave the “every man’s dream” kind of girl?

And that was when it hit me, I have always thought of myself as every man’s dream while in fact I am nothing but every man’s nightmare.

I have always said that, I am sexy, smart, well educated, loyal, and kind hearted. I am everything a man would ever dream of having in one person. And I have always been surprised that they all fled this for what I believe are “lesser” women.

This is how deep my arrogance is, and how much I am an “every man’s nightmare” type of girl.

I am arrogant. I think highly of myself. I am self centered in ways that you can never imagine. I am sexy but that also comes with deeply rooted desires that never fade. I am always in mood for “intimacy” and if my man isn’t in the mood, I will start nagging.

Yes I am a nag. I nag whenever I feel disappointed about anything. And I am always disappointed about something because I am controlling!

I have deeply rooted control issues that nothing in this world could fix, they are even contradicting with my “faith”.

I am well educated but I am highly opinionated too.

I don’t have a clear plan in my life, it is scary. Even my own dad is scared of how unclear my future is.

You can never tell how far I can be dependent or independent. It is scary too.

I never take no as answer, even if I know that no is the right answer. No is just how you get my challenge hormones work.

I fall in love deeply, that means you get to experience the crazy side, the stalker side, the obsessed side, the super jealous side and God only knows what other sides you will have to deal with.

I am reckless in ways that you can never expect.

I compare men, and I have known enough to start punishing new men in my life for things they didn't do.

I am nothing but a walking nightmare.

No wonder they all come on strong, then flee as soon as they can.