Youth Long Gone

I am supposed to be in a stable relationship yet sometimes I can't help but miss one or two of my ex-boyfriends.

whom do I miss?

I miss HH the most. I miss the effort he used to put to get to me. I miss the many times he got out of his way just to drive me to places. How he never turned me down whenever I asked for help. 

I miss how it was ok to just call him crying and complaining of things. 

I also miss MMIB, I miss every single detail of our relationship. I miss our routine. I miss how he used to be jealous. I miss how we never ran out of conversation. 

The truth is I miss them too much, and I don't know whether I really miss them or I am just longing for youth long gone. 

Maybe I just miss being hopeful with life ahead of me.

Maybe I miss the time when it was ok to have expectations from a man. 

I am not sure why I am missing them. But I deeply miss my ex-boyfriends though I am in a stable relationship with a man I deeply love. 

Confessions - 8

I was going through some of my Dotmsr articles and I realized that writing bi-weekly about relationships made me more emotionally stable than I ever was in my life.

I was on the top of my "love life game". I didn't slip into a lot of so obvious emotional traps. Back then I thought my new emotional support system is working. But right now, I think it was the bi-weekly articles that keeping me sane. (as the emotional support system is intact yet it doesn't seem to work anymore)

I don't know what made writing save me from the slips. Whether it was because I was doing something that I deeply love or because I constantly thought/ read about relationship mechanisms. Whatever the reason was, the moment I stopped writing was the moment I slipped into a "classical" trap. I am up to my ears in it. I even can't write my way out of it.

I am screwed! A couple of months ago I wouldn't have been so.

I am SCREWED!

Confessions - 7

I just discovered that my dating pool is missing a Jew. I have done Muslims (all types of them), a Christian (YES! I Did!) and I did atheists. I need a Jew to complete the collection. Maybe a buddhist too.

Contenders? :)



P.S.

I missing writing. A lot.

Friends and Self Confidence

I am going through an episode of lack of self-confidence. I have been going through it for a while. I can’t really tell when it started, but I know it started small and right now I am suffocating with feeling incompetent.

Let’s first start by stating that usually I am a highly confident person, some would call me arrogant. But I don’t fit the definition of arrogant, I am just confident. The said confidence got shaken repeatedly. I won’t call my life generally a failure, but my love life definitely is. And my love life has been the major source of self-confidence shakes.

With each man and each failure I lost a piece of my self-confidence.  “H” left me totally defeated. I tried rebounding after him but the rebounds added insult to injury. So, for the 1^st time in my life I decided that being single is fine, and not looking is fine. I meet interesting men and I dare not like them, and if I ever liked any of them I dare not show it. I just like them from afar and enjoy the crush till it fades.

I thought that would leave whatever left of my self-confidence safe but little did I know. My self-confidence got deeply shaken because of male friends.

For every time a male friend decides to emotionally approach a girl, all what comes to my mind is why not me. I know friends are friends. I know I never think of them this way, but I just can’t help it.

Why them not me?

And my male friends start listing the things they like about other girls, and I start remembering the things they don’t like about me. And everything comes back to the surface. Everything … Ahmed’s mother, HH’s games, Mohammed’s betrayal, Brad’s turn offs list and even the 5^th and 6^th October incidents with Sameh.

It all hits me in the face.

I am just a friend to them because they never liked me the other way, and though I never liked them the other way it somehow deeply hurts me.

I know I am lonely, I feel defeated. My dry season has been going on since forever. I know I shouldn’t let these feelings get to me. And I know I am risking losing my male friends because of the said episode.

And knowing all these, especially the last fact that probably I am going to lose my male friends because of my feelings, doesn’t make it any better.

I am self-confidence- less.

Well, maybe I have some left, because I managed to write my feelings down and I risked sharing them with the world.

I am having an episode and I don’t know how to help myself out of it.

Another Confession

I just wanted to share my little victories with someone who would be as excited as I am.

Not being able to do this. Not having a person who searches for signs of "my dream coming true" and being as happy as I am is killing something in me.

I am not sure whether this is good or bad.

But I have always imagined sharing little victories with someone who cares ...

Another fairy tale dead!

The Cocoon

I spent months on the couch. I tell everyone I am busy, which is true, yet I have been busy all my life and managed to make time to go out and meet people.

I can't remember exactly when it started. But probably it started by avoiding meeting people who ask the "why aren't you married yet" question.
Then I dumped my job and started avoiding people who ask the "why you don't work" question.
Then I was too fat. I didn't realize I was too fat till "Brad" started listing the things he finds "off" in me.
I lost weight yet I never regained the appetite for people. I kept avoiding them.

I have been avoiding meeting a friend who I really like for years because I believe if he met me in flesh and bones he'd be turned off and I'd lose him forever.

Now the cocoon is tightening more. I feel I should avoid communication with people all together. Because the more they see the more they leave.

I lost my charms somewhere down the way.

It is exhausting!

Piles

It is like I am piling up emotions and dragging the piles around.

There is a huge pile called I misd Abdullah.

Another pile labeled defeat.

A pile named after H.

A pile of insecurities.

A pile of uncertainties.

A pile of fear.

And a huge pile of loneliness.

I keep moving around dragging all these feelings.

I have no idea how to deal with them.

Side Notes

* I need to know the reason behind my aggression and depression.

* The problem was never that I fail to attract men. I am a male magnet (I believe every woman is) but the problem starts after the initial attraction. They get closer and the moment the relationship gets cozy they run away.
It is either there is something terribly wrong with me for them to stay. Or I terribly scare them away.
Both ways I am terrible hence they run away!

* I was told that if I think I don't have a life, then who does?
Which is a good point. I have a super busy life. I dare to say it was fulfilling at many points.
I am just drained ... I don't know what do to or where to go.

* I don't give in to hugs. I keep saying I need a hug but I have been given random hugs by lots of random people.
I failed to connect. I failed to channel any kind of positive emotions.

Depression!

Sameh thinks that I need to learn how to be happy. He might be right. Yet, I think I know how to be happy. It is just I am way too depressed; happiness has become a burden of its own.

Ok .. let’s take it slow.

I am sad. I am disappointed. I was happy earlier this year! I was too happy that I even blogged about it.

But now I am not.

I am sad. I am disappointed. I feel like a failure. I feel worthless. And all what I could think of is death. Maybe I should die and let go of all these feelings.

I also feel guilty for feeling sad. I seem to ruin everyone’s merriness.

I feel guilty because my feelings mean that I have lost my faith. And truth is, maybe I did.

I seriously find no point in anything.

I have been crying since I woke up this morning and I don’t seem to be able to stop.

I have no future. I am done covering up my failure with big words.

I am a total failure. A life unworthy of living.

But isn’t it unfair that I can’t live?

I’ve been trying. So hard … I have done my best.

But my best was never enough.

I am never enough.

I don’t need reminders that I have a life that lots will wish to have. I don’t need reminders of how much I am blessed.

I know, and I feel guilty enough.

Enough reminding me of how much a brat I could be because I am not.

I am sad, disappointed and tired. 

On Daydreaming

I get attached to the things I imagine.

I Want!

I want to be loved sincerely and persistently.

I want to be loved the same way I loved all the men who left me for other women.

I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be taken the way I am.

I want to be loved deeply. I want to be surrounded, begged and needed.

I want to be loved, for a change.

Defeat

I feel defeated!

I had a series of surprise birthday parties/ gifts/ texts & phone calls. Part of this could be attributed to the fact that I have plenty of loving friends and family. And part could be attributed to the fact that I changed the settings to my birthday on facebook to public. I decided as a treat for my 35^th birthday to indulge in self celebratory attitude. Guess what? It worked. And I had one of the best birthdays in my 35 yrs.

Yet that leads us back to the defeat.

I feel defeated!

And this defeat could be put in one sentence. I am never enough!

I am never enough … and it is exhausting. It has been exhausting all my life to try to be of worth.

And now as I realize that I have lost each and every battle I have ever been at, I am starting to wonder what does a person do after losing the war?

I have spent all my life thinking that all what you have to do is keep fighting. You keep trying. You never give up. You don’t quit. I have spent all my life believing that losing a battle doesn’t mean losing the whole war.

But I feel defeated.

I have no energy to fight. But I have no idea what do you do with defeat!

May 5th

It has been a year since I last met him.

A full year in a roller-coaster ride!

I am exhausted.

I have complicated my life in ways that I don't like to think about.

I thought it partially fixed me but I just realized missing him have screwed me in so many ways that can't be undone.

It has been a year and dating other men still tastes like cheating.

Life goes on but maybe the heart doesn't.

Mediocre

This needs to be said out loud!

I think I should give up the whole writing thing.

I am making a fool of myself.

I am just a pathetic girl who is way too coward to face the world so she writes her worries down.

This shouldn't be called writing.

It is a pathetic act from a pathetic person.

I am mediocrity in flesh and bones.

A Bluff

So he blamed me for blogging about him and when I told him I could stop doing it if he wants he replies that he doesn't care ...


So maybe he doesn't care if I mentioned his full name and maybe his phone number too!


Just bluffing!

And here is the point.

I am so predictable!


I will get angry, threat something really crazy that will make you regret even knowing me in the 1st place but I will actually do nothing.

The rule is, if I am really going to do anything. I won't be talking about it.

This is an old lesson that I have learned reading Adham Sabry.

You don't talk, you act then talk to the corpse!

As long as I am talking then I will do no harm.


I do no harm!

Idiot!

I am angry and brokenhearted!

I vent to the void!

This is what keeps me going!

The Death of the Fairytale

I have always wanted a fairytale. Deep inside me there is a little girl who is waiting for her prince charming.  Deep down I believe in true love. I believe that love conquers all.

With every relationship a part of me looked for the fairytale. I waited for my men to come around. I wanted them to choose me.  I believed our love will conquer all.

It just didn’t happen but I didn’t really care. I kept believing in magic, I kept the little girl and her fairytale alive regardless what I really said.

Then I met him!

He didn’t believe in magic. He repeatedly said that our problem is that I hate reality while he is real. He spoke facts. He said that life had no fairytales.

For the 1^st time I thought maybe I should let go of the fairytale. Maybe love doesn’t really conquer all. 

He left proving once again that love isn’t enough. That there is no prince charming who would conquer all to be beside his princess.

But that wasn’t what killed the fairytale. What really deprived me from my belief in magic is the fact that he left to get back to his ex wife.

He left to be with what he repeatedly described as an obnoxious woman.

The excuse he has been giving to the world is “I am doing it for my daughter”.

But what he is really doing is that he is pretending to be happily in love with the mother.

He is giving the little kid a proof that love conquers all. His is giving her a fairytale. Her father and mother who got divorced for years are getting back together.

A prince charming is coming around for his princess.

The man who never believed in magic is turning into a magician. The man who said he doesn’t want his kid to believe in fairytales is making a fairytale come to true to please the little girl. The man who said I live in my dreams while he is nothing but reality stole my fairytale and gave it to them.

My fairytale is dead.

S.M.A.R.T

He called me smart and that made me cry. I told him that everyone else called me smart. It is becoming more of an offense.

They all called me smart but wanted one thing.

They wanted sex.

He wanted sex too.

So I cried.

They all say they love me, they all call me smart, they all want sex and they all break my heart.

I just want a man who doesn’t call me smart.

I am not smart. Smart women don’t get their hearts broken.

Unnecessary Confession

It is both our fault. We kept saying it was nothing. We pretended it was nothing. And now it had to end & we both know we can't put an end to nothing.
It is something. It had always been something and that's why it had to end. Tragically.

It is both our fault.

Mind Games

The last time I had a fruitful talk with my most recent ex. I told him that I didn't analyze him because every time I do I end up thinking negatively of myself.

I deeply "admired" the guy. I was totally under his spell, add this to my deep fear of rejection and you will get all the negative thoughts you could ever find in this world.

It is a long story yet not the point. My point is, I analyze people, situations and myself all the time. 

I compare people, situations and my reactions to things all the time. 

I ask lots of whys. For me life is pretty much a riddle and my aim is to solve it.

A friend of mine used to call my over obsession with analyzing life "mind games". He believed that I played mind games with everyone around me. He couldn't believe me when I repeatedly denied it. The point is, I can't really tell why would people do the things they do. None of them answer when I ask. So, I have to try to figure it out myself.

For instance, I loved this friend for ages. Well, I had deep feelings for him. He was my idea of "life long company". I never fell head over heels for him like I did with my other men. But he could possibly be the hugest heartbreak I ever had. 

Everyone around me knew how I felt for him. It was clear. No one could ever miss the passion. Off course everyone knew expect him. 

Everything I said or did screamed of my feelings yet he didn't start to figure them out till I started to encrypt them. 

He started realizing when it was too late. He got my message only when I went from being stupidly direct to being indifferent and indirect. 

The point is, I don't play games. If I want something I will directly pursue it. 

A common advice that I repeatedly get, "ignore him, he will come crawling to you". It is a widely used mind trick that I never use. I show interest when I mean it and I show indifference when I mean it. 

I believe showing a feeling that you don't have is the worst form of lying. 

If I love someone why would he break my heart for showing interest? And why would he be interested the moment I show I moved on?

I don't play mind games. I wish I was that smart. 

I wish I could show indifference towards the man I love. I wish I could trick him into loving me back. 

I wish I could do lots of things ... 

I wish I was smart enough not to get my heart broken again. 

I wish! 

H.U.N.G.R.Y

I got my heart broken. Again!

I know it has become the norm. Some of you must be wondering why I keep doing this to myself.

Honestly, every time I fall in love I decide it will be the last time. The first time I fell in love I thought it will be the 1st and the last but things didn't work out as I expected. So I did it again with the “this man will be my last man” in mind. I kept repeating for God knows how many times till I got to that man.

He is 7 yrs older. Mature, or so he appears to be. He is much more experienced than me. He is smart, handsome, plays different social and mental leagues. He is interesting on every aspect. It was natural for me to like him.

“Like” might be an understatement. I deeply liked him. I liked how he thinks, how he writes, how he speaks, his voice, his smile, how he treats people and how he can win the hearts of almost everyone.

I liked the chemistry I felt between us, how similar his priorities and mine are, and I liked the daemons and spirits he magically awakened in me.

Falling in love with him was the next logical step.

I didn't want to fall for him. But it happened!

“He is going to be the last one” I said to myself. Again!

I didn't have enough experience to stir the relationship and I was scared I might scare him away.

He took control of the relationship and day after day I started realizing how deep the compromises I would need to do if that relationship was ever meant to survive.

I am 34 yrs, yet I never had a “serious” relationship. At my age, my 1st wish for every New Year is still a “stable relationship”. I never got past the “fear of rejection” phase. I want to know how it feels to be “accepted”.

I never got a man’s love for granted. I never got to the phase where couples comfortably fight. All my relationships ended at the very 1st sign of “conflict of interests”.

I was hungry for stability, while he wanted to keep whatever we had “short and shallow”. What we had wasn't really shallow. It was full of details, inside jokes, secrets that no one would know except the two of us. Yet, I think he didn't want this to mean anything.

He was escaping “stability”; he is divorced with a kid. He already has a “stable” commitment in his life (to his daughter). Already tried, “stable” commitment and didn't really work out (to his ex wife).

Stability wasn't his dish, while it was all what I craved.

Then came another thing. I am a virgin. Sex was an issue. He wanted sex and I couldn't give him sex on “short and shallow” basis. For him sex is just another natural step, it wasn't a big deal. But it was a big deal for me. He was understanding. He didn't push anything yet he couldn't understand my hunger for the things lesser than sex. He found no point in them as long as I am not going to do “anything”. In his own words, this isn't sex. But it was satisfying for me in many ways that he couldn't get.

I was hungry for different levels of intimacy, while he constantly felt he was too old for this.

Sex was something we both wanted but on different terms.

The different terms might sum up the whole struggle. I wanted things that girls in their teens would want. It is totally expected that I would want them. I didn't do any of these things before. I was waiting for the right man. I was waiting for him to come along. But he wasn't waiting for me. He had a full life before me.

He tried all the details I have been craving to the point of boredom. His life after me wasn't really accommodating of those needs all the time.

I want to fall in love, to be swept off my feet often, to be able to dream, to have the sweet talks, the kisses, planning a life together, naming unborn kids, to be comfortable discussing awkward topics and to have sex while knowing it is a huge step with lots of meanings … I am hungry for details that people my age have out grown long time ago.

I am 34 yrs old and single, eligible men are all like that guy. They already lived and their lives ahead aren't so accommodating for a grey haired virgin who is longing to live her teen-aging years.

Compromising my hunger is a must for any of these guys to even consider a relationship with me.

My hunger is more of a liability. It is, I believe, a huge turn off.

A late 30s, early 40s guy wouldn't want to do the things he has done in his 20s.

I spent my 20s waiting.

An early 40s guy doesn't really care whether or not I am a virgin. He doesn't care how many men broke me before I met him. He knows that shit happens and life goes on.

He would listen to the stories but he isn't here to mend anything. Mending is something younger people try because they still didn't experience life and still couldn't get the fact that some things can’t be mended and among them are life scars.

What an early 40s guy worry about is whether or not I am in for a relationship on the terms he set. What worries an early 40s guy is that there is a teen hiding inside what seems to be a grown up woman.

A teen who would complicate everything because she is so hungry for a life that she should have out grown by now.

But that teen is there because that teen has been trying to do the right thing. That teen believed all the things she was raised to believe.

That teen waited to have things the right way, and now as she watches grey hair and wrinkles spreading everywhere, the right way doesn't seem to be so right after all.

The point is, I am hungry and he was full.

He is every man and I am every “teen” woman.

 … and my heart is broken again.