H.U.N.G.R.Y

I got my heart broken. Again!

I know it has become the norm. Some of you must be wondering why I keep doing this to myself.

Honestly, every time I fall in love I decide it will be the last time. The first time I fell in love I thought it will be the 1st and the last but things didn't work out as I expected. So I did it again with the “this man will be my last man” in mind. I kept repeating for God knows how many times till I got to that man.

He is 7 yrs older. Mature, or so he appears to be. He is much more experienced than me. He is smart, handsome, plays different social and mental leagues. He is interesting on every aspect. It was natural for me to like him.

“Like” might be an understatement. I deeply liked him. I liked how he thinks, how he writes, how he speaks, his voice, his smile, how he treats people and how he can win the hearts of almost everyone.

I liked the chemistry I felt between us, how similar his priorities and mine are, and I liked the daemons and spirits he magically awakened in me.

Falling in love with him was the next logical step.

I didn't want to fall for him. But it happened!

“He is going to be the last one” I said to myself. Again!

I didn't have enough experience to stir the relationship and I was scared I might scare him away.

He took control of the relationship and day after day I started realizing how deep the compromises I would need to do if that relationship was ever meant to survive.

I am 34 yrs, yet I never had a “serious” relationship. At my age, my 1st wish for every New Year is still a “stable relationship”. I never got past the “fear of rejection” phase. I want to know how it feels to be “accepted”.

I never got a man’s love for granted. I never got to the phase where couples comfortably fight. All my relationships ended at the very 1st sign of “conflict of interests”.

I was hungry for stability, while he wanted to keep whatever we had “short and shallow”. What we had wasn't really shallow. It was full of details, inside jokes, secrets that no one would know except the two of us. Yet, I think he didn't want this to mean anything.

He was escaping “stability”; he is divorced with a kid. He already has a “stable” commitment in his life (to his daughter). Already tried, “stable” commitment and didn't really work out (to his ex wife).

Stability wasn't his dish, while it was all what I craved.

Then came another thing. I am a virgin. Sex was an issue. He wanted sex and I couldn't give him sex on “short and shallow” basis. For him sex is just another natural step, it wasn't a big deal. But it was a big deal for me. He was understanding. He didn't push anything yet he couldn't understand my hunger for the things lesser than sex. He found no point in them as long as I am not going to do “anything”. In his own words, this isn't sex. But it was satisfying for me in many ways that he couldn't get.

I was hungry for different levels of intimacy, while he constantly felt he was too old for this.

Sex was something we both wanted but on different terms.

The different terms might sum up the whole struggle. I wanted things that girls in their teens would want. It is totally expected that I would want them. I didn't do any of these things before. I was waiting for the right man. I was waiting for him to come along. But he wasn't waiting for me. He had a full life before me.

He tried all the details I have been craving to the point of boredom. His life after me wasn't really accommodating of those needs all the time.

I want to fall in love, to be swept off my feet often, to be able to dream, to have the sweet talks, the kisses, planning a life together, naming unborn kids, to be comfortable discussing awkward topics and to have sex while knowing it is a huge step with lots of meanings … I am hungry for details that people my age have out grown long time ago.

I am 34 yrs old and single, eligible men are all like that guy. They already lived and their lives ahead aren't so accommodating for a grey haired virgin who is longing to live her teen-aging years.

Compromising my hunger is a must for any of these guys to even consider a relationship with me.

My hunger is more of a liability. It is, I believe, a huge turn off.

A late 30s, early 40s guy wouldn't want to do the things he has done in his 20s.

I spent my 20s waiting.

An early 40s guy doesn't really care whether or not I am a virgin. He doesn't care how many men broke me before I met him. He knows that shit happens and life goes on.

He would listen to the stories but he isn't here to mend anything. Mending is something younger people try because they still didn't experience life and still couldn't get the fact that some things can’t be mended and among them are life scars.

What an early 40s guy worry about is whether or not I am in for a relationship on the terms he set. What worries an early 40s guy is that there is a teen hiding inside what seems to be a grown up woman.

A teen who would complicate everything because she is so hungry for a life that she should have out grown by now.

But that teen is there because that teen has been trying to do the right thing. That teen believed all the things she was raised to believe.

That teen waited to have things the right way, and now as she watches grey hair and wrinkles spreading everywhere, the right way doesn't seem to be so right after all.

The point is, I am hungry and he was full.

He is every man and I am every “teen” woman.

 … and my heart is broken again.