Tonight's Prayer!

I am wishing, for the man I love, to step up and be THE MAN .. today.

On Healing

 

They say that healing is a self process. They say that you shouldn't wait for someone to fix you, because no one could fix you but you. They say that you shouldn't be waiting for a helping hand because you are the only one who could pick you up.

They say healing is a self process, and they are right to a great extent. Yet, healing leaves scars. Scars hurt. And putting scars to test, they usually tend to bleed again. 

The real test of healing is how we deal with a bleeding scar. A bleeding scar is nothing but a reminder that whatever we are doing used to hurt one day but now we are ok.

We are healed only when a little bleed is nothing but a little bleed.

Healing is all about perspective.

It is ok if your scars hurt, hurt means you have survived.

Just don't mind the bleed! 

Where Are We Now?

My First man's name was Ahmed. When I met Ahmed I thought he will be my first and my last. When I met Ahmed I believed love is a "forever" thing. Then it didn't work out. And the next man I met I thought he would be the last but that didn't work either. 

I moved from one "last" man to one last man. And with every last man I believed that he will be my first "love" as love is a "forever" thing. 

With every "last" man I look for a "first" man .. 

Love is for forever. You are only the first if you are the last ... 

The Drill

At the age of 36 you discover that you have picked up a few survival skills without even noticing. One of those skills is mending a broken heart.

So how do we mend a broken heart? 

Super easy!

1. Do your best to get past the denial phase. This isn't just a bad dream and you are not waking up to the life you used to. Denial will delay the pain and will make it harder to deal with it.

You are a big girl. Your heart is broken. Deal with it.

2. Bargaining makes you pathetic. Begging and renegotiating the relationship won't solve the problem. Chances are the new terms will add insult to injuiry. 

Skip the bargain. You lost anyway.

3. The rule is no prisoners, just casulaties. Leave no trace of him.

4. Kill a habit with a habit. 

5. Write it away.

6. There is no shame is feeling down. It is ok to fail and fall. 

7. Try not to give him pieces of your mind. He doesn't worth the energy. And it won't make you feel better.

8. He is a piece of shit. Act accordingly.

9. You will live!

10. Forgive yourself. It is hard and seems impossible. But you will eventually have to do.

Forgive yourself. You are imperfect and it is totally ok. 

And we repeat! 

A Better End!

X: I met someone new

Y: Good for you, Bad for him!

X: Why do you think it is bad for him?

Y: I have been there, I have done you! 

X: Well ... He is doing everything you didn't do, so he is probably getting everything you never got!

On Leaps of Faith (Again!)

There is a point in your life when you just stop "leaping", not out of fear or hesitance, But you stop taking leaps because you know better, you have been there and you have done that.

There is a point in your life where you can tell the difference between faith and delusion.

There is a point of your life when the only "wise" thing to do is to stop trying.

Will you do the wise thing and risk standing still, or will you keep moving on and take the "delusional" leap?

Leagues

A male friend of mine likes a female friend. I told him repeatedly that he isn't her type and he keeps asking what her type is then.

What I didn't tell my friend was the fact that girl is way out of his league. She is perfect and he is a mess.

The fact that he doesn't see how much of a mess he is or how perfect she is, is why he will always live with a broken heart and why she will never find true love.

She is perfect, she is out of the average man's league. Yet she always end up with some average man who would hurt her in process of trying to prove he isn't as average as he is and truly deserves a trophy woman such as her.

While he is an average guy who is overestimating himself and believes he deserves nothing less than her perfection.

Life is a cruel place!

Friends and Self Confidence

I am going through an episode of lack of self-confidence. I have been going through it for a while. I can’t really tell when it started, but I know it started small and right now I am suffocating with feeling incompetent.

Let’s first start by stating that usually I am a highly confident person, some would call me arrogant. But I don’t fit the definition of arrogant, I am just confident. The said confidence got shaken repeatedly. I won’t call my life generally a failure, but my love life definitely is. And my love life has been the major source of self-confidence shakes.

With each man and each failure I lost a piece of my self-confidence.  “H” left me totally defeated. I tried rebounding after him but the rebounds added insult to injury. So, for the 1^st time in my life I decided that being single is fine, and not looking is fine. I meet interesting men and I dare not like them, and if I ever liked any of them I dare not show it. I just like them from afar and enjoy the crush till it fades.

I thought that would leave whatever left of my self-confidence safe but little did I know. My self-confidence got deeply shaken because of male friends.

For every time a male friend decides to emotionally approach a girl, all what comes to my mind is why not me. I know friends are friends. I know I never think of them this way, but I just can’t help it.

Why them not me?

And my male friends start listing the things they like about other girls, and I start remembering the things they don’t like about me. And everything comes back to the surface. Everything … Ahmed’s mother, HH’s games, Mohammed’s betrayal, Brad’s turn offs list and even the 5^th and 6^th October incidents with Sameh.

It all hits me in the face.

I am just a friend to them because they never liked me the other way, and though I never liked them the other way it somehow deeply hurts me.

I know I am lonely, I feel defeated. My dry season has been going on since forever. I know I shouldn’t let these feelings get to me. And I know I am risking losing my male friends because of the said episode.

And knowing all these, especially the last fact that probably I am going to lose my male friends because of my feelings, doesn’t make it any better.

I am self-confidence- less.

Well, maybe I have some left, because I managed to write my feelings down and I risked sharing them with the world.

I am having an episode and I don’t know how to help myself out of it.

A Thought on Happiness

We shouldn’t really cling to our happy moments. We should enjoy them while they last. We shouldn’t yearn for them. We shouldn’t spend the rest of our lives trying to re-feel the happy feeling.

Happy is as unique as every moment is.

Milestones

Remember when I wrote that I didn’t like my options?

I remember the time when I decided to give up. I gave up my job, I gave up my dreams. I gave up lots of my appetite for living.

Nothing seemed to work. So I decided not to exert any more efforts. I decided to stay where I was.

And I also remember when he posted a job vacancy. A job that might be considered trivial by many. It was a part time job, a work from home job. He wanted someone to assist him in doing a research for a new book he was planning to write.

I was never more hesitant than that night looking at that Ad. It looked as if it was tailored for me, all he wanted was someone who is an avid reader, and thorough researcher. Both are things that I do on daily basis, and I have done extended researches in my post-graduate studies. Yet I hesitated a lot. I didn’t have enough confidence. I feared that he won’t find me fit for that job.

I applied anyway, I decided not to put real hopes on getting it and convinced myself that I have nothing to lose.

I won!

I got the job. And for little less than a year, I wrote daily reports of my finding and my comments on them. I enjoyed insightful discussion.

For less than a year, I did something that I loved and I got paid for doing it.

Then he gave me my fairytale. He offered me a job as a writer!

Lots of girls spend their childhoods dreaming of prince charming, I spent my childhood and most of my adulthood dreaming of being given such opportunity exactly the way it was offered.

The night he made the offer, was literally the best day in my life. I don’t remember that I ever jumped and danced while unable to resist crying out of joy.

Then he died. I still can’t process that. If I was ever asked to name loss, I think I will say Mom and him. I have no other names that could fit the definition of loss.

He got me out of my dark place.

He gave me the best night of my life, he gave me a chance to enjoy little victories. He gave me life, even if some will say that I am holding on to an illusion. But I will enjoy my illusion while it lasts.

When I was dancing with joy celebrating the best night in my life, I looked around me to find someone who would be as happy for me. I had to wait for my sister to share the news and dance for a few minutes before she fell asleep.

With every little victory, I look around me and search for someone to celebrate with.

My childhood dream always had someone beside me, a man, a lover, a husband who cares and celebrates. But I got the dream sans the man.

And it is totally fine.

At first I felt lonely, sometimes I still do. But I will be such an ungrateful person if I said I have no one who cares and celebrates.

I am surrounded by a loving family, and a huge network of loyal friends.

I am really grateful to have people like them in my life. And I will never trade such love and care with a love of a man.

Today is one of those days that can be considered a little victory. And I am writing this to make sure that you know, all of you … each and every one of you. People who have spent time reading my drafts and correcting them. People who have heard me nag for hours, people who comforted me when I was down. People who encouraged me to keep going.  People who loved me unconditionally through years.

I am not going to name names, each and every one of you knows exactly what she/ he has been doing. I want you to know that I am really grateful. And there is nothing that I can say or do to thank you enough.

I am blessed I have you.

And if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have reached the 100 articles mark.

Thank you!

On being a Cling

Hello world!

I miss writing in English as much as I miss writing about myself.
I feel like I have lost my touch. I am not pouring as much feelings & dark thoughts into writing as I used to do.

Anyway, as I have been single for quiet sometime now. And no one even thought of asking me out on a date in almost a year. Also I noticed that the moment I start flirting with anyone is the moment he makes sure to make it clear that he isn't up for a relationship.

So I thought there must be something totally off about me.

Maybe that I am putting on weight or age or even acne scars! Maybe I am losing my sense of humor. Or even worse I have become too senstive to be dealt with.

Actually, there are plenty of reasons that could scare them away but I think I know the one and only reason that makes me such a turn off.

Clinging!

Do I cling?

I don't think so, yet I might be giving signs that I am up to a serious relationship. And that I might be having expecatations. I might even want to get married. Not to mention the viriginty thing and the no sex without marriage rule.

Well .. if i were a man i would have been turned off. Why would I ask someone who have expectations of a decent healthy relationship out! Why would I get close to a virgin who won't lose her virginity without a ring?!

There is no good reason to take such risks.

They have every right to be scared!

*Sigh*

Why?!

Ok!

This needs to be said out loud!

I can't get over Mr. Abdullah's death. I am stuck between denial and anger.

I act like I have accepted it but I don't.

I keep thinking it is just a silly dream and I will eventually wake up. And when I realize that the silly dream is my reality I feel nothing but pure anger.

I never thought I would ever ask him this question ..

"Why did you come into my life? And why did you leave?!"

Another Confession

I just wanted to share my little victories with someone who would be as excited as I am.

Not being able to do this. Not having a person who searches for signs of "my dream coming true" and being as happy as I am is killing something in me.

I am not sure whether this is good or bad.

But I have always imagined sharing little victories with someone who cares ...

Another fairy tale dead!

The Cocoon

I spent months on the couch. I tell everyone I am busy, which is true, yet I have been busy all my life and managed to make time to go out and meet people.

I can't remember exactly when it started. But probably it started by avoiding meeting people who ask the "why aren't you married yet" question.
Then I dumped my job and started avoiding people who ask the "why you don't work" question.
Then I was too fat. I didn't realize I was too fat till "Brad" started listing the things he finds "off" in me.
I lost weight yet I never regained the appetite for people. I kept avoiding them.

I have been avoiding meeting a friend who I really like for years because I believe if he met me in flesh and bones he'd be turned off and I'd lose him forever.

Now the cocoon is tightening more. I feel I should avoid communication with people all together. Because the more they see the more they leave.

I lost my charms somewhere down the way.

It is exhausting!

Piles

It is like I am piling up emotions and dragging the piles around.

There is a huge pile called I misd Abdullah.

Another pile labeled defeat.

A pile named after H.

A pile of insecurities.

A pile of uncertainties.

A pile of fear.

And a huge pile of loneliness.

I keep moving around dragging all these feelings.

I have no idea how to deal with them.

Side Notes

* I need to know the reason behind my aggression and depression.

* The problem was never that I fail to attract men. I am a male magnet (I believe every woman is) but the problem starts after the initial attraction. They get closer and the moment the relationship gets cozy they run away.
It is either there is something terribly wrong with me for them to stay. Or I terribly scare them away.
Both ways I am terrible hence they run away!

* I was told that if I think I don't have a life, then who does?
Which is a good point. I have a super busy life. I dare to say it was fulfilling at many points.
I am just drained ... I don't know what do to or where to go.

* I don't give in to hugs. I keep saying I need a hug but I have been given random hugs by lots of random people.
I failed to connect. I failed to channel any kind of positive emotions.

Depression!

Sameh thinks that I need to learn how to be happy. He might be right. Yet, I think I know how to be happy. It is just I am way too depressed; happiness has become a burden of its own.

Ok .. let’s take it slow.

I am sad. I am disappointed. I was happy earlier this year! I was too happy that I even blogged about it.

But now I am not.

I am sad. I am disappointed. I feel like a failure. I feel worthless. And all what I could think of is death. Maybe I should die and let go of all these feelings.

I also feel guilty for feeling sad. I seem to ruin everyone’s merriness.

I feel guilty because my feelings mean that I have lost my faith. And truth is, maybe I did.

I seriously find no point in anything.

I have been crying since I woke up this morning and I don’t seem to be able to stop.

I have no future. I am done covering up my failure with big words.

I am a total failure. A life unworthy of living.

But isn’t it unfair that I can’t live?

I’ve been trying. So hard … I have done my best.

But my best was never enough.

I am never enough.

I don’t need reminders that I have a life that lots will wish to have. I don’t need reminders of how much I am blessed.

I know, and I feel guilty enough.

Enough reminding me of how much a brat I could be because I am not.

I am sad, disappointed and tired. 

On Validation

I know I have been writing too much about myself lately. But I think I am blogging my feelings away.

So there was that moment, when at what was supposed to be a professional meeting gone bad, when the guy looked at me after almost 45 mins of trying to talk me out of an idea and said, you are smart and passionate. he said other things too, but I honestly shut off his "praise">

You know why?

Because I realized that I don't need his validation, the same way I didn't really need anyone's validation.

I know I seem to be begging for validation.


But honestly, I shut off the "praise".

I validate myself!

Soreness

I like a guy, which isn’t news. I am single, I have been single for so long. I have been juggling “rebounds” or maybe “hopes” of decent relationships.

But this time, I could tell that I like a guy. I like the chemistry we have and I like the worlds he shows me in every conversation we have.

Yet … I am not going to follow through.

Usually, at this stage when the guy seems so appealing I would make sure he knows I am interested. And later on, I’d try to take it further.

But this time I am not going to do. I am enjoying the safety of liking from a far.

Why?

Don’t mistake this for wisdom. It is pure lack of confidence.

I don’t think I have what it gets to get the guy interested/ keep him interested.

I have put on weight, I am still being called hottie but I feel fat. I have been fighting acne for years. I am a no one. I am 35 with no brilliant career and no clear “future”.

How is that supposed to be attractive?

And this is how sore defeat is.

Here we go again

All what I want is a hug. It's becoming seriously annoying. I tease friends so they send me virtual hugs.
I don't want virtual hugs anymore.
And I don't want just another casual hug.

I need a deep hug. A hug that means something.

A hug that feels home.

I don't feel home anymore, I am constantly lost.