Loss - 7

I am doing everything my father wanted me to do. I spent most of my life resisting him. I refused to conform to whatever "right" he wanted me to do. Now, after he's gone I found out that resisting him and not conforming were nothing but a privilege.
I had the option of resisting because he was there willing to hold a moving train for me till I make up my mind wether to jump aboard or stay behind.
He is gone and I have no choice but to jump aboard that train. As staying behind is a privilege that I can't afford right now.

Loss - 5

I keep saying that I will be ok. Actually I am ok most of the time. I am ok because miraculously my memory decided to erase years of my life. I technically find it hard to recall simple information like my birthdate and where I live.

I am ok as long as I don't remember that I ever had a father. The moment I remember that is that moment I am not ok. And by not ok I mean that I feel suicidal. I know I am not going to commit suicide (I am not there yet) but I feel like life is futile. I can't take how absurd it is.

I am not ok. I know it is a process. I know that I will find my way out of it. I just don't know when, or how.

Loss - 4

Did I ever take my father for granted?

I don't know. I will never know because he isn't there to answer the question. Actually this is a question that I was never ever going to ask him.

I used to ask him other types of questions. My Dady "was" a knowledgeable person, so even in the age of google I would simply ask him about stuff. Random stuff, I would ask dady 1st then ask google.

I asked him about almost everything in this life.

One of the many things that scares me now is that I will always have to find the answers myself. I will always have to be sure I got the answers right because Dady isn't here anymore to validate me.

Which leads to another "important" conclusion. I think I never needed validation from people because I had Dady's validation. People always saw me as strong and confident, now I strongly believe they saw me this way because I always acted in the light that there is a strong safety net that will catch me if I ever really fall.

Did I ever took my father for granted?

Off course I did! And he was totally happy I did.

I think the father/ child relationship is the only relationship that function on the taking the other party for granted. It is the safety of having someone stuck with you no matter what you do to them.

A safety that no one will ever be able to match.

Loss -3

I keep replaying the last week before my dady's death. I am trying to figure out whether or not he knew he was going to die.

I keep finding clues and hints. Things that could be interpreted as signs of being ready to leave. Yet I keep finding other hints and clues that he had no idea.

Replaying the incidents of our last week I discovered that my dad had always been ready to leave. He always knew he is going to die and always acted accordingly.

I will never be able to tell for sure whether or not he knew he is approaching his end line.

He knew that death was inevitable. He knew it could happen any time for any reason. He always knew that and he always acted accordingly.

Loss - 2

It feels like a dream, not only his death but rather my whole life feels like a dream now. 

Loss -1

I have a constant feeling that I am dreaming.
I have a constant feeling that I will wake up to dady calling my name.

The only thing that's annoying me is that there are so many details in this dream.

Only reality is that detailed.