Mirage

How could you tell a truth from a lie?

Random Messages - 5

I am just lonely. It has become the new norm.
It is just like a huge monster is crushing my heart mercilessly.

I keep breathing. I keep doing what I always do. I keep looking around for friends, I keep writing, I keep making a fool of myself, I keep begging for things I know no one wants to give me, and I keep getting shut off.

I am at a point where I don't know exactly what's crushing my heart more, loneliness or the constant rejection. I don't know which is worse, having things to say & no one to listen to, or just pouring those things in random ears anyway.

I am lonely .. I miss having someone to talk with. I miss having someone who listens to my crazy ideas, someone who will listen to the same old story till I get to the new moral.

I am lonely .. and I don't really know how to undo this. 

Friends and Self Confidence

I am going through an episode of lack of self-confidence. I have been going through it for a while. I can’t really tell when it started, but I know it started small and right now I am suffocating with feeling incompetent.

Let’s first start by stating that usually I am a highly confident person, some would call me arrogant. But I don’t fit the definition of arrogant, I am just confident. The said confidence got shaken repeatedly. I won’t call my life generally a failure, but my love life definitely is. And my love life has been the major source of self-confidence shakes.

With each man and each failure I lost a piece of my self-confidence.  “H” left me totally defeated. I tried rebounding after him but the rebounds added insult to injury. So, for the 1^st time in my life I decided that being single is fine, and not looking is fine. I meet interesting men and I dare not like them, and if I ever liked any of them I dare not show it. I just like them from afar and enjoy the crush till it fades.

I thought that would leave whatever left of my self-confidence safe but little did I know. My self-confidence got deeply shaken because of male friends.

For every time a male friend decides to emotionally approach a girl, all what comes to my mind is why not me. I know friends are friends. I know I never think of them this way, but I just can’t help it.

Why them not me?

And my male friends start listing the things they like about other girls, and I start remembering the things they don’t like about me. And everything comes back to the surface. Everything … Ahmed’s mother, HH’s games, Mohammed’s betrayal, Brad’s turn offs list and even the 5^th and 6^th October incidents with Sameh.

It all hits me in the face.

I am just a friend to them because they never liked me the other way, and though I never liked them the other way it somehow deeply hurts me.

I know I am lonely, I feel defeated. My dry season has been going on since forever. I know I shouldn’t let these feelings get to me. And I know I am risking losing my male friends because of the said episode.

And knowing all these, especially the last fact that probably I am going to lose my male friends because of my feelings, doesn’t make it any better.

I am self-confidence- less.

Well, maybe I have some left, because I managed to write my feelings down and I risked sharing them with the world.

I am having an episode and I don’t know how to help myself out of it.

On being a Cling

Hello world!

I miss writing in English as much as I miss writing about myself.
I feel like I have lost my touch. I am not pouring as much feelings & dark thoughts into writing as I used to do.

Anyway, as I have been single for quiet sometime now. And no one even thought of asking me out on a date in almost a year. Also I noticed that the moment I start flirting with anyone is the moment he makes sure to make it clear that he isn't up for a relationship.

So I thought there must be something totally off about me.

Maybe that I am putting on weight or age or even acne scars! Maybe I am losing my sense of humor. Or even worse I have become too senstive to be dealt with.

Actually, there are plenty of reasons that could scare them away but I think I know the one and only reason that makes me such a turn off.

Clinging!

Do I cling?

I don't think so, yet I might be giving signs that I am up to a serious relationship. And that I might be having expecatations. I might even want to get married. Not to mention the viriginty thing and the no sex without marriage rule.

Well .. if i were a man i would have been turned off. Why would I ask someone who have expectations of a decent healthy relationship out! Why would I get close to a virgin who won't lose her virginity without a ring?!

There is no good reason to take such risks.

They have every right to be scared!

*Sigh*

The Cocoon

I spent months on the couch. I tell everyone I am busy, which is true, yet I have been busy all my life and managed to make time to go out and meet people.

I can't remember exactly when it started. But probably it started by avoiding meeting people who ask the "why aren't you married yet" question.
Then I dumped my job and started avoiding people who ask the "why you don't work" question.
Then I was too fat. I didn't realize I was too fat till "Brad" started listing the things he finds "off" in me.
I lost weight yet I never regained the appetite for people. I kept avoiding them.

I have been avoiding meeting a friend who I really like for years because I believe if he met me in flesh and bones he'd be turned off and I'd lose him forever.

Now the cocoon is tightening more. I feel I should avoid communication with people all together. Because the more they see the more they leave.

I lost my charms somewhere down the way.

It is exhausting!

Depression!

Sameh thinks that I need to learn how to be happy. He might be right. Yet, I think I know how to be happy. It is just I am way too depressed; happiness has become a burden of its own.

Ok .. let’s take it slow.

I am sad. I am disappointed. I was happy earlier this year! I was too happy that I even blogged about it.

But now I am not.

I am sad. I am disappointed. I feel like a failure. I feel worthless. And all what I could think of is death. Maybe I should die and let go of all these feelings.

I also feel guilty for feeling sad. I seem to ruin everyone’s merriness.

I feel guilty because my feelings mean that I have lost my faith. And truth is, maybe I did.

I seriously find no point in anything.

I have been crying since I woke up this morning and I don’t seem to be able to stop.

I have no future. I am done covering up my failure with big words.

I am a total failure. A life unworthy of living.

But isn’t it unfair that I can’t live?

I’ve been trying. So hard … I have done my best.

But my best was never enough.

I am never enough.

I don’t need reminders that I have a life that lots will wish to have. I don’t need reminders of how much I am blessed.

I know, and I feel guilty enough.

Enough reminding me of how much a brat I could be because I am not.

I am sad, disappointed and tired. 

Soreness

I like a guy, which isn’t news. I am single, I have been single for so long. I have been juggling “rebounds” or maybe “hopes” of decent relationships.

But this time, I could tell that I like a guy. I like the chemistry we have and I like the worlds he shows me in every conversation we have.

Yet … I am not going to follow through.

Usually, at this stage when the guy seems so appealing I would make sure he knows I am interested. And later on, I’d try to take it further.

But this time I am not going to do. I am enjoying the safety of liking from a far.

Why?

Don’t mistake this for wisdom. It is pure lack of confidence.

I don’t think I have what it gets to get the guy interested/ keep him interested.

I have put on weight, I am still being called hottie but I feel fat. I have been fighting acne for years. I am a no one. I am 35 with no brilliant career and no clear “future”.

How is that supposed to be attractive?

And this is how sore defeat is.

Defeat

I feel defeated!

I had a series of surprise birthday parties/ gifts/ texts & phone calls. Part of this could be attributed to the fact that I have plenty of loving friends and family. And part could be attributed to the fact that I changed the settings to my birthday on facebook to public. I decided as a treat for my 35^th birthday to indulge in self celebratory attitude. Guess what? It worked. And I had one of the best birthdays in my 35 yrs.

Yet that leads us back to the defeat.

I feel defeated!

And this defeat could be put in one sentence. I am never enough!

I am never enough … and it is exhausting. It has been exhausting all my life to try to be of worth.

And now as I realize that I have lost each and every battle I have ever been at, I am starting to wonder what does a person do after losing the war?

I have spent all my life thinking that all what you have to do is keep fighting. You keep trying. You never give up. You don’t quit. I have spent all my life believing that losing a battle doesn’t mean losing the whole war.

But I feel defeated.

I have no energy to fight. But I have no idea what do you do with defeat!

On a Side Note

It was 2008 or maybe 2009 when I told Brad that my wish for the new year/ birthday is to have a healthy relationship.

It is 2014 and I still didn't get the healthy relationship I wanted.
I got lots of men but no relationships.
I got lots of desire but no feelings.

I am still trapped in the old corner of needs, wants and disappointments.

But it is ok ... it is ok.

I give up

Loneliness Again!

You can't break out of the loneliness jail …

On availability

I studied economics for a good part of my life. And in every page I read there was a clear message "be scarce". Scarcity derives the supply and demand and sets the prices.

Scarcity is the core of the economic theory as much as it is the core of life.

Love is a market that's governed with scarcity too.

A person will walk the extra mile only if you are out of reach.

He will call to check if he can't find traces of you to tell him how you have been.

He will ask to meet if he can't find enough room to talk.

He will propose only if he fears to lose you to someone else.

In a world derived by scarcity I am too available.

I have blogs, twitter and a bi-weekly article for DotMsr (you can find an updated list of the published articles here)

He can always read me. He can never miss me. And he can always find reasons to stay away.

I am too available for him, any him, to love me!

A Serious of Pointless Posts - 5

We are not supposed to marry the sperm donor but we can date the dilido right?

The Death of the Fairytale

I have always wanted a fairytale. Deep inside me there is a little girl who is waiting for her prince charming.  Deep down I believe in true love. I believe that love conquers all.

With every relationship a part of me looked for the fairytale. I waited for my men to come around. I wanted them to choose me.  I believed our love will conquer all.

It just didn’t happen but I didn’t really care. I kept believing in magic, I kept the little girl and her fairytale alive regardless what I really said.

Then I met him!

He didn’t believe in magic. He repeatedly said that our problem is that I hate reality while he is real. He spoke facts. He said that life had no fairytales.

For the 1^st time I thought maybe I should let go of the fairytale. Maybe love doesn’t really conquer all. 

He left proving once again that love isn’t enough. That there is no prince charming who would conquer all to be beside his princess.

But that wasn’t what killed the fairytale. What really deprived me from my belief in magic is the fact that he left to get back to his ex wife.

He left to be with what he repeatedly described as an obnoxious woman.

The excuse he has been giving to the world is “I am doing it for my daughter”.

But what he is really doing is that he is pretending to be happily in love with the mother.

He is giving the little kid a proof that love conquers all. His is giving her a fairytale. Her father and mother who got divorced for years are getting back together.

A prince charming is coming around for his princess.

The man who never believed in magic is turning into a magician. The man who said he doesn’t want his kid to believe in fairytales is making a fairytale come to true to please the little girl. The man who said I live in my dreams while he is nothing but reality stole my fairytale and gave it to them.

My fairytale is dead.

On Loneliness: Definition

There are points in one’s life when something really big happens. Maybe losing a loved one, or seeing one of your dreams coming true.

A moment of pure joy or deep sadness, the type of moment you look around to share with someone. Someone who understands your excitement, someone who will dance a night away to celebrate your happiness. Someone who would hold you tight to ease an unbearable pain.

There are huge moments in one’s life that one needs to share them. They are too big to be lived alone.
When one can’t find someone to share such moments with, that one is officially lonely.

Q.E.D

Every Man's Nightmare!

If my mom would have ever had last words to tell me, they would have been “Shimaa stop being arrogant”.  She had always warned me of my arrogance.

But I wasn’t that arrogant to ignore the warnings. I have always tried not to be arrogant. I hide lots of my “confidence” and lots of my “views of things”. I try my best to keep my “arrogance” at bay.

The other night as I was reflecting on my last heartbreak I realized that one of the reasons I get my heart broken is that I don’t know why they leave me. Why would a man leave the “every man’s dream” kind of girl?

And that was when it hit me, I have always thought of myself as every man’s dream while in fact I am nothing but every man’s nightmare.

I have always said that, I am sexy, smart, well educated, loyal, and kind hearted. I am everything a man would ever dream of having in one person. And I have always been surprised that they all fled this for what I believe are “lesser” women.

This is how deep my arrogance is, and how much I am an “every man’s nightmare” type of girl.

I am arrogant. I think highly of myself. I am self centered in ways that you can never imagine. I am sexy but that also comes with deeply rooted desires that never fade. I am always in mood for “intimacy” and if my man isn’t in the mood, I will start nagging.

Yes I am a nag. I nag whenever I feel disappointed about anything. And I am always disappointed about something because I am controlling!

I have deeply rooted control issues that nothing in this world could fix, they are even contradicting with my “faith”.

I am well educated but I am highly opinionated too.

I don’t have a clear plan in my life, it is scary. Even my own dad is scared of how unclear my future is.

You can never tell how far I can be dependent or independent. It is scary too.

I never take no as answer, even if I know that no is the right answer. No is just how you get my challenge hormones work.

I fall in love deeply, that means you get to experience the crazy side, the stalker side, the obsessed side, the super jealous side and God only knows what other sides you will have to deal with.

I am reckless in ways that you can never expect.

I compare men, and I have known enough to start punishing new men in my life for things they didn't do.

I am nothing but a walking nightmare.

No wonder they all come on strong, then flee as soon as they can.

On Consistency and the Forbidden Fruit

I am a virgin. Somehow this very personal detail has become a hot topic of discussion in the last couple of years. I have been repeatedly put in situations where I had to explain that I am a virgin and, for the time being, I don’t think I will ever be having sex outside marriage.

It all started out with a date. It was sometime in September 2011 when a nice, younger guy asked me out for coffee. He was full of life; it had been years since I was last asked out on a date; I needed life and he offered loads of it. He was a breath of fresh air … of hope. Yet, the guy was direct; he was in for a fling: good company and sex.

Before him I was used to the fact that men will always want sex but they tended to play lovers to get to it. Before him, none of my men doubted the “virgin” part. The “virgin” part was taken for granted. They all wanted sex, yet sex had always been off the table because duh! “I am a virgin”.

This guy was the 1st one to offer a strictly sexual relationship, no emotions attached. And I had to decide whether I was in or out.

And that was when my virginity started to be the topic to discuss.

In this part of the world girls are expected to be virgins as long as they are not married. Yet it is the 21st century, different levels of intimacy had become discreetly accepted. It all depends on your social level. The more you are exposed to “western culture” the more likely the circles you play are open-minded regarding sex. I am saying more likely because exposure doesn’t really grant open-mindedness in our society.

Sex is a taboo in this part of the world. People have been trying to break this taboo yet they have been failing … royally!

Needless to say that relationship failed, it never got started in the 1st place. He wanted sex; I couldn’t give him sex so it faded to a “you are someone that I used to know” type of thing.

He was the 1st but he wasn’t the last to suggest a sexual non-emotional relationship. As that relationship faded I met another guy. Someone that I deeply liked and I dare to say that I deeply loved. That guy was clear too. Marriage for him was off the table, but sex was the most important item on it.

That guy didn’t offer a fling-ship. He didn’t even offer a relationship. He offered nothing and that was somehow everything (Yeah! I am that pathetically in love with him). In his own words, our relationship has different aspects and one of them is sex. According to him sex is a pleasure that should be given and received within the context of exchanging pleasure only, nothing more.

Again my virginity became an issue. Yet, and because I am desperately in love with that guy I started to entertain the idea of sex. The pressure of love and other things got me to the point of thinking why won’t I have sex with him. Why would I want us to be married? After all, and religious reasons aside, marriage is nothing but an exclusive long-term relationship or at least it is what is supposed to be or how I think it is supposed to be. So if I can have the “long-term” and “exclusive” parts, again religion aside, maybe sex will be ok.

I didn’t really voice my ideas to the guy; we moved past the sex aspect of the relationship and kept the other aspects. To be more specific he moved past the sex aspect, apparently he either lost interest or maybe lost hope that I might one day come around what he once described as my obsolete idea about sex.

His move left me with more questions that were even doubled by the appearance of someone who showers me with too much “I love you’s” yet definitely believes that love isn’t love unless it is “consummated”.

Different men, different age groups, different backgrounds, different experiences and different settings yet all had one thing in common. They all wanted sex with a virgin whom they couldn’t really get why she is hanging on to her virginity that much.

Such offers usually leave me both flattered and offended.

Different super interesting men believe I am sexually attractive, this is flattering! The fact that I can’t see why they would get that much interested in me, along the fact that none of them ever offered a “decent relationship” is deeply offending.

Stuck between feeling flattered and offended my moral system gets shaken too deep to the point of clearly showing an inconsistency. Apparently there is a huge gap between what I believe is right, what I say I think is right and the right I actually do.

Is sex wrong?

Yes, No … Maybe! I don’t know.

I really don’t know. I believe it shouldn’t be wrong. Sex is natural. Desire shouldn’t be a sin. But things don’t seem to work in such simple ways in the complicated world we live in.

In this part of the world, the 1^st challenge that faces the “righteousness” of sex is religion. Sex is a sin that will get you safe and sound to hellfire. If you are a “believer” guilt will be the dominant feeling associated with whatever “sex” you decide to have outside what religion said it should be.

The 2^nd challenge that faces the righteousness of sex is social customs.  Sex is a social sin that will get you safe and sound to the “doomed group”.

Well, it depends mainly on your gender in this part of the world. The rule is, men are accepted to do lots of the social sins. They are men. Our society is seemed to be tailored to “protect” the virtue of women. I am not sure why but probably because men have no virtue to protect after all!

Anyhow, regardless that the society is more flexible accepting men who commit social sins you will still be labeled if you engaged in any form of sexual relationship outside wedlock. And unlike the religious reasons where you can work out a way with your God, the society doesn’t really forgive. And most importantly they won’t easily forget.

In this part of the world, where the individuals are more open-minded than the societies they live in, double measures become the norm. Consistency is really rare. People are used to doing what they don’t believe in, they preach what they can’t/ won’t do and more importantly judge others for doing what they secretly do.  

Sex and religion are two major fronts where you can touch the double lives and double measures epidemic spreading among almost everyone you know.

Religion for instance is supposed to be a relationship between you and the God you chose to worship. The details of such relationship are supposed to be personal. But somehow, whether or not you are a believer in God is a basic concern of the society. Everyone would want you to worship a certain God in a certain way. If you chose not to, you will have to pay a certain social cost, a cost that will depend on how grave the society thinks your sin is.

So people end up pretending. They pretend to be religious. They pretend to be socially right. They do whatever makes them “socially acceptable” while maintaining the things the society can’t really stomach a secret.

People stretch the boundaries of their personal freedoms while not having to confront the society.

One of those stretches is what the infamous HH once termed as “Virgin Sex”.

According to HH, and later all the generous men who offered me sexual relationships, I can enjoy a sexual relationship without really losing my virginity. For them, and perhaps for the society, a girl is a virgin as long as she didn’t engage in a penetrative vaginal intercourse.

So, many men and women in this part of the world agreed to engage in all forms of sexual activities outside wedlock as long as there isn’t vaginal penetration.

They pretend that the sex they have isn’t really sex as long as they don’t get caught.

The interesting part is that all those actively engaging in stretching their own personal boundaries are actively engaging in limiting others personal decisions by being part of the tight society measures.

A man who is open to having “virgin sex” with the girl he loves isn’t as open to the idea if the person involved is his sister. The same man who would pressure the girl he likes to jump from base one to three will advise his best friend to cut off the man she likes for doing the same with her.

A man who says that virginity isn’t really a factor to judge a girl will make a pass at every non virgin he knows.

It is duality and inconsistency everywhere.

And because of all the duality and inconsistency I can’t have sex out of wedlock. Not because I believe it is wrong. On the contrary, I believe it is my right and it is everyone’s right to live their life the way they want. I believe that it is my right to fall in love and to have sex and not to worry about social consequences.

I am at a point of my life where I open to compromise lots of the things I thought can’t be compromised. I am turning 34 in few weeks, and although marriage was never a goal of my life yet loneliness wasn’t one of those goals either.

I am open to considering relationships that are not the “happily ever after” type.

And there is two ways to do this. Either I confront the society with my decision and bear with the consequences or play by the duality rules like many are doing.

I don’t have enough courage to live my life the way I think I should be living it. Yet, I have lots of self respect not to let myself fall in the dual life/ double measures trap.

So, until a further notice I am keeping my virginity.

On that Crazy Happy Thought

In our golden days, Sameh had the nice habit of sending me happy thoughts to sleep. One night, he said that my happy thought is an eunuch. I don’t remember whether he explained the term to me, or he asked me to google it. What counts is, I didn’t really like the idea. Years later, I think Sameh was right. An eunuch could be the happy thought I really need.

An eunuch in short is a castrated slave. The idea was so cruel. I honestly couldn’t get past the cruelty of the concept. “A castrated slave” how would this be a happy thought.

Cruelty aside and principles aside, an eunuch could really be a happy thought for a single mid-aged “girl” like me. “A safe company of a man”, what else would a girl want?

You would get a man to help you, he is your slave. He doesn’t really have the choice to deny you anything you want. He is castrated, so you don’t run the risk of having him sexually offending you. 

Even better, historically speaking women used partially castrated slaves for sexual favors. “They got the flowers of marriage not its fruits”.

So, all the problems of a single mid-aged woman could simply be solved by having an eunuch.

Think of this: A man who would please you, without you having to beg. A man, with no strings (no pain) attached.

Sounds perfect?

But then it is inhumane. 

Episodes of loneliness - On fading out

I can't remember how you smelled.

I can't remember what type of cigarettes you smoke.

I can't remember how your eyes looked gazing into mine.

I can't remember what you wore.

I can't remember how warm/ cold your hands were.

I can't remember how my hand felt in yours.

Your voice keeps fading in my mind I fear one day I won't be able to recognize it.

You are turning into a ghost of a memory.

I am scared ... Don't let me go.

A Step into a Fantasy

There was that moment, when she closed her eyes and laid back in the car seat as he drove her in the dark empty streets of their city. There was nothing but the sound of the music she loves filling the air and his scent.

If only time could be stopped.

“Are you happy?” he later asked her.

She wished she could find enough words to explain the overwhelmingly indescribable feelings she had at that moment. But instead like a little girl she stuttered in agreement.

Her heart and mind were still frozen on that moment, the fantasy that out of the blue came true.

She had always wanted to go on a ride with a nice man who would make her safe enough to close her eyes and enjoy the speed, the music & the scent of him. When she first had that fantasy she had someone in mind. But that someone never made her feel safe. He never played music and he was too shallow for her liking.

But him … he was different. He is nice. He is of substance enough to carry on an endless entertaining conversation. He could understand and argue her philosophical revelations and he had a great taste of music. He is also a good driver.

So in a moment she was face to face with a dream coming true. Mesmerizing, such a high that she wished she could keep fresh for years.

She wished she could hold his hand. She wished she could just ask him for a hug.

She wished this moment could last longer.

Or maybe she secretly wished he would last longer …

He is like a stone thrown into the stagnant lake of her life. He woke her up. He pulled her back into life. He made her feel young, capable and wanted. He made her feel all the things that she hasn’t been feeling in years. He made her want things. He even made her dream again.

She wanted him to stay … she wanted the potential she felt he holds to be real not only her desire. She wanted to go on endless rides. She wanted to have endless talks. She wanted the hug he promised will be there if she ever needed one. She wanted to share the things he said he wanted to do in his life.

She wanted in …

She can’t tell exactly what or why …

But she wanted in …

But that is another fantasy … who knows whether or not it will ever come true.

Because in real life. The right things, the right time and the right person are totally different than our dreams.

Confessions – Is that much?

I have been trying to sugar coat my thoughts for a while. I have to admit that posting anything to this blog is turning to be a walk in a mine field. Whatever I write pisses someone off. I don’t like pissing the people I care about off, I am losing the skill of sugar coating and I don’t know how to walk in a mine field without having one exploding in my face.

Yet, this very thought needs to get out of my brain. I will take the chances and just do what I used to do. Spill it out and pretend it is to the void. Maybe, this time no mines will explode.

So, and without any further wasting of your precious time, I think by now most of you know that I have love problems.

Somehow, I was never lucky in love. As if I intentionally pick the wrong men. Because I am sure there are right men out there (Though right now my mind keeps telling me that they are all the same)

I used the term unlucky to try to spare you the long talk about how much of a loser I am, because as you know, I like to take all the blame. I don’t believe in luck. People make their own lucks. So when you are unlucky it simply means you are doing things wrong.

To cut a long story short, my men’s problem seemed to be marriage. All of them believed that I wanted to marry them. And the thought of marrying me was too scary.

They enjoyed the entertainment phase. I can be entertaining. But whenever the idea of a long-term/ serious relation appeared they simply disappeared.

Well, trying to walk a mile in their shoes. Maybe they had every right to be scared. I am scary! I am too much to be handled. I am emotionally messed up. Experts write articles to advise people to not to marry people like me.

Because, apparently, people like me are emotionally unhealthy. People like me will end up bringing all their issues into the relationship. And no sane person would like to marry into that!

But I won’t blame the wise people warning the human kind of emotionally crippled people. Because, you know, they have a point.

You can’t blame luck for your failures as much as you can’t blame wise people for stating the obvious.

But before I lose point and before you jump to the conclusion that I am just another girl who can’t find a husband.

This isn’t about how or why my men ran away from me because they assumed I wanted to marry them (which was true in most of the cases). It is more about the shape of the relationship I am currently looking for.

A friend once asked me couple of years ago what exactly do I need in a relationship. I said all what I need is safe company. I want a man who would spend part of his day communicating with me. Texting is fine, emails are ok, if he thought of calling this will be very good. A call every other week would be appreciated too.  Every now and then I would love to be dined and wined and an annual escape to enjoy total exclusivity.

There is also a level on intimacy that I would like to have fulfilled.

Safe company is all what I am asking for. And by safe I mean I want a guarantee that he will be there the next morning and that I don’t have to worry about other women or other things taking my place.

Just a level of commitment that tells me I am not just an entertainment. Is that much?

I didn’t ask for marriage. All what I asked for is, a daily communication of whatever sort, an occasional outing to enjoy the company and if possible a once a year one week vacation.

Nothing more …

Is that too much?