Showing posts with label Phobias. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Phobias. Show all posts

July 30, 2008

Random Reflections – News!




I have decided to boycott all Egyptian newspapers because I couldn’t take how they keep cheering for the current government. I can’t take how those who oppose the government oppose it so I am not into opposition papers too. So that limit my knowledge of the current issues to the few hours I forcefully spend watching the news as my father happily hold the remote.
I do my best to keep myself busy during these couple of hours as I believe that the world news is the shortest way to depression. Natural disasters are everywhere, more innocents are being killed in cold blood all over the world and prices are going sky high with expectations of a world wide starvation. But though I try keeping my safe distance some news makes its way to me. In the last couple of weeks three headlines really made me wonder.

The first one was about a Cambodian man who married two women at the same day. Apparently, he was confused between marrying his current girl friend and his ex girl friend. He loved them both so he married them both. The only thing he worried about was working extra hours to support his two women.
The first thing that came to my mind was “God, I like the guts this man got”. He was stupid enough or may be brave enough to admit that he loved both women equally. He spared himself the hesitation of choice and spared his women the pain of indifference. He married them both because he loved them both. The second thing that came to my mind was “God, that guy proved all my men are lying he married two women in a country that bans polygamy in the time they gave lame excuses in a country where men are saying that God created them to polygamy!! Which led me to wonder what was on these women’s minds when they decided to share a man. I don’t know why I remembered the story of the child and the two mothers. Each of the two women claimed that the child is hers and when the judge ordered to cut the child into half one of them agreed and the other willingly admitted that the child isn’t hers. The judge seeing what the woman who was crying a moment ago claiming that the boy is her son sentenced the boy is hers because only a real mother will never accept to see her kid being cut into half. I bet that both women love the man the same way the other woman did. If any of them really loved him she would have let him go. His happiness would have been her priority but because we are not in a perfect world these women agreed to cut their man into half. I bet he has more things to worry about other than how to support them.

The second thing was the pregnant man. I am a believer that God created us equal but with different jobs. And a woman’s job is to carry babies so knowing about a man who voluntarily gone through the dreadful process of pregnancy was a bit shocking for me. not only because it has messed with all the biology classes that I have had in my life but also because I could never understand how can a man ask to do something that most if not all women hope they will never do. I was enlightened by the fact that he isn’t a real man; he is a transgender who kept his female organs and that’s how he managed to carry and deliver a baby. And that fact explains why he was the ova donor and he had to get sperm from a bank. I am not the type of person who judge people for their sexual orientation but I can’t deny that I can never understand the motives of someone who turned to be a man to do a woman’s job. Only a woman could long to carry a baby in her womb but a man?! Even if he has a womb, God where did all the testosterone go?

Last but not least was the news about the death of the famous Egyptian director Youssef Chahine. Personally, I didn’t understand or like many of his work. But yet I can’t deny that he had a view and that most of the Egyptian Cinematic Masterpieces has his signature. Egypt has lost another man with a view, and people with a view are rare to find these days in Egypt. Whether I agreed with his views or not, the man was a man of opinion. He stood for those opinions regardless how fierce the opposition was. I respect the man though I might not be a dedicated fan. He taught me one thing. When he died my brother said that he can’t understand the reason for all those people mourning a man who made a legend of himself. He, my brother, said that most of Chahine’s work was about himself or how he thinks of life, Egypt and the world. That comment about Chahine reminded me that what really matters was never the world because the world starts from within. May he rest in peace.

May 05, 2008

The Things I Couldn’t Say


I couldn’t say no, I am not stupid as you said I am. I was just scared, putting pieces of a puzzle together to know what went wrong. I couldn’t say “you are not helping”, I couldn’t say “stop, you are hurting me”, I couldn’t say a word to explain why I am always scared. I couldn’t say that I was scared because he might never come back, I couldn’t say I was scared that he is flipping away, I couldn’t say that it might not be about him. It is about me, it is about that I never knew how people fight and never run. It is about I know that caves have backdoors. How could I know that he will come back? How could I know he is still there, busy minding his own business and that it has nothing to do with me. How could I kill the worries in the time I know I am part of the things that’s keeping him off. How could I know that what I am having is just phobic episode?
I couldn’t say I wouldn’t have written what I wrote if you called as you used to do. I couldn’t say that he would have called, not to talk but to say goodbye. I couldn’t say that I know he knew I was waiting for him to call. I couldn’t say that I knew he wouldn’t call to punish me. I couldn’t say that the mere idea that he believed I didn’t deserve the phone call is the thing that made me sleepless. I couldn’t say that in the middle of arguing that he is in the middle of the BUSH with no signal he forgot to answer the question if the number is still the same. I couldn’t say why you are putting me under the “ANYONE” category. I couldn’t say “Shut up”, I couldn’t say “I LOVE YOU” when I felt like saying it. I couldn’t say “I MISS YOU” when it was everything I had to say.
I couldn’t say “I love you, I miss you and it hurt”; I couldn’t say “what if I am crazy isn’t there anything to even it out?”
I couldn’t say because I have NO RIGHT to say. I couldn’t say because it would have worsened things. I couldn’t say because I was scared to say then lose him for the things I said. I couldn’t say for the same reasons I am thinking twice while writing this ranting as he call it and for the very same reason I thought twice before posting the earlier ranting that pissed him off. I couldn’t say because if I said it will piss him off. I couldn’t say because I am scared he will take this as an enough reason to cut me off.
I couldn’t say because I can’t say!!

June 19, 2007

My Phobias


I am the most coward person on this earth; I fear almost everything in life.
I fear dogs, I fear any animal that is bigger than a cat, even cat sized animals are not amongst the best friends list, I fear most kinds of insects and I fear driving to the extent that I can’t lay a foot in my poor car. I get episodes of frustration for unknown reasons when I happen to stay on a bridge for more than a couple of minutes that makes “Kobry October” a miserable experience for me. I fear speed, I don’t enjoy thrilling games, I don’t watch scary movies, and even something like X-Files causes me sleepless nights. (But nowadays I can watch X-Files in company, which is an improvement) It took me years of training to start taking the elevator not the stairs. I fear high places, crowded places, sea, boats, darkness and injections.
Last night I discovered that I had a hidden phobia that I knew nothing about, I have a phobia that “Brad” will walk away without giving me reasons. I have a phobia that he will suddenly lose interest. I discovered that this phobia existed long time ago, I always assume that the “Brad” any “Brad” will just walk away. I start freaking out for unknown reasons for instance an unanswered phone call, a change in a habit or even an unchanged habit. I have a complicated mind that process things in a really scary way and the result is always a dead end.
I fear dogs because their bite will hurt and I will end up having injections that I fear because of the pain too. I fear driving because I don’t want to end in a black plastic bag. I fear bridges because I believe I will either fall of the bridge or the bridge will fall while I am on it. I fear animals because they can bite, hurt and eventually kill me. I fear scary movies, because why would I waste my time being scared. Why should I pay money and get hyper tension and increased heart rate in return. I fear high places because I will fall, crowded places because people are devils and I eventually will suffocate, sea because I don’t swim, and I couldn’t learn to swim because I know I will drown, boats because they live in the sea , I fear darkness because who wants to die without seeing what’s killing him.
All my phobias are related to death in a way, I fear death. But I can’t find a direct relation between the chance that Brad will disappear and death.
I Guess I owe Brad an apology for my manic behavior. And I will ask my psychiatrist to give me a discount.