The Drill

At the age of 36 you discover that you have picked up a few survival skills without even noticing. One of those skills is mending a broken heart.

So how do we mend a broken heart? 

Super easy!

1. Do your best to get past the denial phase. This isn't just a bad dream and you are not waking up to the life you used to. Denial will delay the pain and will make it harder to deal with it.

You are a big girl. Your heart is broken. Deal with it.

2. Bargaining makes you pathetic. Begging and renegotiating the relationship won't solve the problem. Chances are the new terms will add insult to injuiry. 

Skip the bargain. You lost anyway.

3. The rule is no prisoners, just casulaties. Leave no trace of him.

4. Kill a habit with a habit. 

5. Write it away.

6. There is no shame is feeling down. It is ok to fail and fall. 

7. Try not to give him pieces of your mind. He doesn't worth the energy. And it won't make you feel better.

8. He is a piece of shit. Act accordingly.

9. You will live!

10. Forgive yourself. It is hard and seems impossible. But you will eventually have to do.

Forgive yourself. You are imperfect and it is totally ok. 

And we repeat! 

A Bluff

So he blamed me for blogging about him and when I told him I could stop doing it if he wants he replies that he doesn't care ...


So maybe he doesn't care if I mentioned his full name and maybe his phone number too!


Just bluffing!

And here is the point.

I am so predictable!


I will get angry, threat something really crazy that will make you regret even knowing me in the 1st place but I will actually do nothing.

The rule is, if I am really going to do anything. I won't be talking about it.

This is an old lesson that I have learned reading Adham Sabry.

You don't talk, you act then talk to the corpse!

As long as I am talking then I will do no harm.


I do no harm!

Idiot!

I am angry and brokenhearted!

I vent to the void!

This is what keeps me going!

Between a Rock & a Hard Place

It is really simple. I have been suffering for months. My heart is being crushed day in/ day out.

I have tried everything possible. I am even half a step away from fulfilling a childhood dream.

I ate. I shopped. I worked. I dated men.

I did everything I could do. Yet I am stuck.

I fail.

And he is happy.

He is married. He is doing all the things he said he doesn't want to do.

I am stuck. I am struggling. I am in pain.

I am tired.

I don't even know how do I feel.

It is just painful.

I am stuck.

I am too old for this.

I am not supposed to be feeling this way.

I am stuck! And I am being crushed by my own feelings.

On the closed closet ...

Remember Brad? I have been thinking about him lately. I think he is the worst man I have ever met in my whole life. It doesn’t mean my other men are better men.

But thinking about how it was played now, that guy had one intention from the very 1^st moment he knew me. He decided to break my heart.

1^st he played friends, then he said he wants it to be a date. Then he didn’t stop at a one date thing, he followed through. Then he disappeared and I found out from facebook he got engaged. He got engaged in the time he used to tell me he isn’t ready for commitment. He got engaged to a hijabi in the time he used to complain about my hijab. He got married, while he sold himself as the non marrying type.

That guy, met me, dated me, showed interest and feelings that you call can find evidence of in the blog with one intention, breaking my heart.

I can’t find any other reason.

He at times, intentionally deceived me. I, at times, intentionally ignored all the signs and warnings.

I was wrong, but that doesn’t make him right.

I have been going through all my relationships. All the men I dated, all the men I loved, all the men who crossed paths with me … I have been in a tour in the gallery of my broken hearts and I realized that each and every one of them knew me with only one intention. Breaking me …

I remember Mohamed’s last words in the night he broke up with me. I was hysterically sobbing and I could barely hold myself and he dared to look me in the eyes and say. “Shimaa you are strong, you will be fine, my mom and my cousin aren’t”.

I don’t know why exactly all of them got to that conclusion. That it is ok to break my heart.

I don’t know why exactly they all believed that I will be fine.

I don’t know why “breaking me” is so tempting.

They had fun. I am a nice company. I go the extra mile in a relationship. I try understand all the men issues. I play it cool.

I am well educated, I am sarcastic and I am a good friend.

I was kind to each and every one of them

And they did nothing but ruthlessly breaking my heart.

They intentionally broke my heart because I am strong and I will be fine.

Guess what … I am not fine.

Not anymore …

Another Old Page

Dated: Jan. 1st, 2007

Page 3: The Break Up

So, this is my 4th or 5th break up, I went through a lot, I even broke up twice with the same person. It never been that hard.
I remember the time when we broke up. I looked in my mirror talking to the only friend I trust in such cases, myself, I said, so I have memories with him everywhere, this is nothing, songs that reminds me of him, this is nothing too, even feelings fade. My only friend, myself, told me that day "it only takes time and good work to get sorted". Now I look back in my mirror, telling the only friend I have, myself, that not only old songs remind me of him, more over the new songs that we never listened together, reminds me of him. New places that we never been too, New people who never knew him. Everything shouts his name. There is nowhere to hide, and no way to run!
I broke the mirror … it reminds me of him too ...

========================

God, Time is really a Bless!!

Closures

If you are a “F.R.I.E.N.D.S” fan you will sure remember Rachel out on a date with that someone just right after Ross got back from China with a new girlfriend. She kept talking about Ross the whole evening and that was when her date told her she needs a closure to move on. Being drunk, she called Ross as a sort of closure. She left him a message on his machine that she was so much over him. Sure enough the result of that call wasn’t exactly a closure it was the start. As Ross never knew that Rachel was “Under Him” to get “Over Him” in a closure.
What Rachel’s date suggested that evening, keeping the over and under results of the phone call aside, is exactly what I believe in. I am a believer that relationships need a closure. It is normal to feel hurt after a break-up even if it was us who put an end to it. It is normal to feel angry. And it is normal to hate the person we once loved. There are people who even keep the love and hope after the break-up.
All these are painful. It is painful to remember, it is painful to hate and it is sure painful to keep a hope of love for an illusion. And this is when closures become a necessity.
A closure is point where you get to the indifference target. To hate isn’t the opposite of love as hate is still a feeling. The opposite of love is indifference. Closure is the point where there are no feelings left, neither bad nor good. It is the point when you discover why it wasn’t meant to be after all. It is when you see why it was never going to work eventually. It is when you know that the time to move on is now. It is when you know that the door was open and that there was no need to seek a new window after all.
Closures are not blames. You don’t get to a closure when you blame an ex for everything he/ she has done. Closures are not regrets. You don’t get to a closure with the long list of I shouldn’t have done so. Closures are in the little things just like love. Love is formed of the few little things. And those few little things are the seeds for indifference. Closures lie within.

When HH called me the other morning, I wasn’t that excited to answer. His words were still buzzing in my head from the last time he called. He wanted me to find love and get married. As he believed that he has ruined my life too much and it is about time for him to let me go find a decent man to accompany me in my journey. Yet he asked to be a part of that new life. The only thing he wanted me to do is to find a way to make him my second priority not my first (yes, I made him believe that he is my 1st priority!!). That morning, when he last called, as I was listening to his lame excuses for letting me go I remembered his hierarchy of priorities and I remembered a comment Brad made once on someone he calls “Spiderman.”
Spiderman was someone who tried hooking up with me. He was fun, flirty but that cup of tea was too strong for my taste. I wondered why Brad wasn’t worried about my little tangos with Mr. Spiderman. So Brad simply said, because that guy is clear. He just wants to jump into your pants. And I know you know how to keep him off.
I don’t really remember what did I say to HH that morning and sure I can never remember what he said. All what I can remember, that it felt so easy to keep him off me that morning because finally I have found my closure.
My closure was in my pants. Didn’t I tell you? It lies in those little things (wicked wink)

In the mood for: Goodbye My lover

Seems that the same way I was suffering from an episode of unconscious love, here I am suffering from unconscious breakup.
Unconsciously I am going through the defensive measures. I am back to school, i.e. I have finally decided to finish my M.Sc. degree, I started the job hunt and I am putting too much time in my father’s new business. To top the feeling, I can’t resist listening to James Blunt’s Goodbye My lover.
Be it an unconscious breakup, or be it an undefined feeling. I am just in the mood for goodbye my lover.
So, enjoy!!!