On Consistency and the Forbidden Fruit

I am a virgin. Somehow this very personal detail has become a hot topic of discussion in the last couple of years. I have been repeatedly put in situations where I had to explain that I am a virgin and, for the time being, I don’t think I will ever be having sex outside marriage.

It all started out with a date. It was sometime in September 2011 when a nice, younger guy asked me out for coffee. He was full of life; it had been years since I was last asked out on a date; I needed life and he offered loads of it. He was a breath of fresh air … of hope. Yet, the guy was direct; he was in for a fling: good company and sex.

Before him I was used to the fact that men will always want sex but they tended to play lovers to get to it. Before him, none of my men doubted the “virgin” part. The “virgin” part was taken for granted. They all wanted sex, yet sex had always been off the table because duh! “I am a virgin”.

This guy was the 1st one to offer a strictly sexual relationship, no emotions attached. And I had to decide whether I was in or out.

And that was when my virginity started to be the topic to discuss.

In this part of the world girls are expected to be virgins as long as they are not married. Yet it is the 21st century, different levels of intimacy had become discreetly accepted. It all depends on your social level. The more you are exposed to “western culture” the more likely the circles you play are open-minded regarding sex. I am saying more likely because exposure doesn’t really grant open-mindedness in our society.

Sex is a taboo in this part of the world. People have been trying to break this taboo yet they have been failing … royally!

Needless to say that relationship failed, it never got started in the 1st place. He wanted sex; I couldn’t give him sex so it faded to a “you are someone that I used to know” type of thing.

He was the 1st but he wasn’t the last to suggest a sexual non-emotional relationship. As that relationship faded I met another guy. Someone that I deeply liked and I dare to say that I deeply loved. That guy was clear too. Marriage for him was off the table, but sex was the most important item on it.

That guy didn’t offer a fling-ship. He didn’t even offer a relationship. He offered nothing and that was somehow everything (Yeah! I am that pathetically in love with him). In his own words, our relationship has different aspects and one of them is sex. According to him sex is a pleasure that should be given and received within the context of exchanging pleasure only, nothing more.

Again my virginity became an issue. Yet, and because I am desperately in love with that guy I started to entertain the idea of sex. The pressure of love and other things got me to the point of thinking why won’t I have sex with him. Why would I want us to be married? After all, and religious reasons aside, marriage is nothing but an exclusive long-term relationship or at least it is what is supposed to be or how I think it is supposed to be. So if I can have the “long-term” and “exclusive” parts, again religion aside, maybe sex will be ok.

I didn’t really voice my ideas to the guy; we moved past the sex aspect of the relationship and kept the other aspects. To be more specific he moved past the sex aspect, apparently he either lost interest or maybe lost hope that I might one day come around what he once described as my obsolete idea about sex.

His move left me with more questions that were even doubled by the appearance of someone who showers me with too much “I love you’s” yet definitely believes that love isn’t love unless it is “consummated”.

Different men, different age groups, different backgrounds, different experiences and different settings yet all had one thing in common. They all wanted sex with a virgin whom they couldn’t really get why she is hanging on to her virginity that much.

Such offers usually leave me both flattered and offended.

Different super interesting men believe I am sexually attractive, this is flattering! The fact that I can’t see why they would get that much interested in me, along the fact that none of them ever offered a “decent relationship” is deeply offending.

Stuck between feeling flattered and offended my moral system gets shaken too deep to the point of clearly showing an inconsistency. Apparently there is a huge gap between what I believe is right, what I say I think is right and the right I actually do.

Is sex wrong?

Yes, No … Maybe! I don’t know.

I really don’t know. I believe it shouldn’t be wrong. Sex is natural. Desire shouldn’t be a sin. But things don’t seem to work in such simple ways in the complicated world we live in.

In this part of the world, the 1^st challenge that faces the “righteousness” of sex is religion. Sex is a sin that will get you safe and sound to hellfire. If you are a “believer” guilt will be the dominant feeling associated with whatever “sex” you decide to have outside what religion said it should be.

The 2^nd challenge that faces the righteousness of sex is social customs.  Sex is a social sin that will get you safe and sound to the “doomed group”.

Well, it depends mainly on your gender in this part of the world. The rule is, men are accepted to do lots of the social sins. They are men. Our society is seemed to be tailored to “protect” the virtue of women. I am not sure why but probably because men have no virtue to protect after all!

Anyhow, regardless that the society is more flexible accepting men who commit social sins you will still be labeled if you engaged in any form of sexual relationship outside wedlock. And unlike the religious reasons where you can work out a way with your God, the society doesn’t really forgive. And most importantly they won’t easily forget.

In this part of the world, where the individuals are more open-minded than the societies they live in, double measures become the norm. Consistency is really rare. People are used to doing what they don’t believe in, they preach what they can’t/ won’t do and more importantly judge others for doing what they secretly do.  

Sex and religion are two major fronts where you can touch the double lives and double measures epidemic spreading among almost everyone you know.

Religion for instance is supposed to be a relationship between you and the God you chose to worship. The details of such relationship are supposed to be personal. But somehow, whether or not you are a believer in God is a basic concern of the society. Everyone would want you to worship a certain God in a certain way. If you chose not to, you will have to pay a certain social cost, a cost that will depend on how grave the society thinks your sin is.

So people end up pretending. They pretend to be religious. They pretend to be socially right. They do whatever makes them “socially acceptable” while maintaining the things the society can’t really stomach a secret.

People stretch the boundaries of their personal freedoms while not having to confront the society.

One of those stretches is what the infamous HH once termed as “Virgin Sex”.

According to HH, and later all the generous men who offered me sexual relationships, I can enjoy a sexual relationship without really losing my virginity. For them, and perhaps for the society, a girl is a virgin as long as she didn’t engage in a penetrative vaginal intercourse.

So, many men and women in this part of the world agreed to engage in all forms of sexual activities outside wedlock as long as there isn’t vaginal penetration.

They pretend that the sex they have isn’t really sex as long as they don’t get caught.

The interesting part is that all those actively engaging in stretching their own personal boundaries are actively engaging in limiting others personal decisions by being part of the tight society measures.

A man who is open to having “virgin sex” with the girl he loves isn’t as open to the idea if the person involved is his sister. The same man who would pressure the girl he likes to jump from base one to three will advise his best friend to cut off the man she likes for doing the same with her.

A man who says that virginity isn’t really a factor to judge a girl will make a pass at every non virgin he knows.

It is duality and inconsistency everywhere.

And because of all the duality and inconsistency I can’t have sex out of wedlock. Not because I believe it is wrong. On the contrary, I believe it is my right and it is everyone’s right to live their life the way they want. I believe that it is my right to fall in love and to have sex and not to worry about social consequences.

I am at a point of my life where I open to compromise lots of the things I thought can’t be compromised. I am turning 34 in few weeks, and although marriage was never a goal of my life yet loneliness wasn’t one of those goals either.

I am open to considering relationships that are not the “happily ever after” type.

And there is two ways to do this. Either I confront the society with my decision and bear with the consequences or play by the duality rules like many are doing.

I don’t have enough courage to live my life the way I think I should be living it. Yet, I have lots of self respect not to let myself fall in the dual life/ double measures trap.

So, until a further notice I am keeping my virginity.

On the things I’d rather be doing

I had to run errands this morning, and spent the rest of my morning packing for a trip that’s giving me anxiety attacks. Right now, I am supposed to be cooking. I have laundry piled up because my washing machine decided to break. I have lots of things that aren’t going to be done unless I do them.   

I can’t delegate, I can’t procrastinate, I can’t run and I can’t hide. The fact that I am being haunted with these tasks is draining me emotionally. The more I am emotionally drained, the more I feel the heaviness of the tasks waiting for me to be done.

And I end up stuck. I neither do the things I really want to do nor the things that are waiting for me to be done.

Let me start with the trip that’s giving me anxiety attacks. I am going Umrah, yes! Again! For the sixth year in a row! And honestly, I can’t be less excited. I don’t want to go. And I regret not saying NO clearly when I had the chance to do. I said yes, because I felt obligated to go. I didn’t want to leave my father alone. I felt obligated to go so I would be there if he needed me.

That would sum up lots of the things giving me the repetitive anxiety attacks.  I feel obligated to do something. Some will say that I am not obligated, that I can always say no, and simply do whatever I want to do. But those people can’t get the idea of the obligation. You are not obligated because someone asked you to do certain thing. You are obligated because you feel you are expected to do that certain thing.

You can’t run away from what you are expected to be doing. It will keep haunting you anyway. Guilt and regret will be the two dominating features of your life.

More of, if you kept doing the things that you have to do there will be a point in time when you totally forget about the things you really want to do.

You are stuck, as simple as that.

I’d rather not cook. I’d rather not to worry about who is going to eat what. I’d rather not worry about laundry. I’d rather not worry about a dirty kitchen or an apartment that needs to get cleaned up.

I’d rather not worry about how fast my father is getting old. I’d rather not watch as his health deteriorates.

I’d rather not worry about my brother and sister.

I’d rather not go on family vacations.

I’d rather not go spend a vacation in praying and shopping for gifts for all types of relatives.

I’d rather be on a beach, with a man who can’t have enough of me.

I’d rather be making love all day and night instead of praying all day and night!

I’d rather be sleeping.

I’d rather be trying out the things I have always feared to try.

I’d rather not be reminded that I am getting older and that I will live alone.

I’d rather be calm instead of being constantly anxious.

I’d rather do absolutely nothing instead of doing all the things I have to be doing.

I’d rather be enjoying the little things that I have been waiting for them to happen for years. Instead I am always being pulled out by things I’ve been trying to escape for years.

A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that I am not easily bored as I keep saying. He said that he thinks I am patient and persistent. He said the proof that I am patient and persistent is that I have been doing all the things I’d rather not do for years. He said that for an outsider I seem to be short tempered and easily bored while I am not.

And you know what. He is the first person to get how I exactly feel in really long time.

I am stuck.

And it isn’t easy to get out from where I am.

On Leaps of Faith

There is always a point in your life when your experiences tell you that you shouldn't be taking certain risks.

There is always a point in your life when you are on top of a mountain with no clear way back down and you know that you need to take a leap of faith.

There is always a point in your life when you step into darkness because you felt like trying the unnecessary risk instead of being trapped where ever you are.

There is always that point when you jump ....

Then you wake up on your crushed bones. Sometimes you heal and sometimes you just live with the pain.

Leaps of faith never really kill you, they only make you wish you were dead.


We never die ...

We live to tell the story ...

But one day hope will be overwhelming, your judgement will be clouded and you would see that jumping of the safety of the trap of your mountain is the wise thing to do.

One day you will trust the unknown enough to silence your experiences and the pain of the old crushed bones.

One day you will jump and you will wish you were dead.

But you will never die ... you will live.

You will always live ...

Unfortunately, your jump is never lethal. It is only deforming.

On a Side Note - 1

This might not have a future but it sure has a wonderful present.

One day at a time ... don't jump to conclusions.

Enjoy your present because there might not be a future anyway.

Re-Posting: Completely Personal and Utterly Nonsense

Again, because names change but everything stays the same. 

A couple of months ago, I had a very nice conversation with my favorite ex of all time “HH”. About the things I’d rather be doing at that given point of time.

Well, before telling you about the details of that conversation I should first tell you about my year. This year I turned 31. And for the 1^st time in those 31 years I can proudly say that I have completely wasted a year. And it is not related to how I was designed to only see imperfections. I really wasted this year. I can’t remember I learned a new thing, I can’t remember that I have done something that I wanted. If there is one achievement in this whole year it will be that I kept breathing. I held on to life. I didn’t listen to the voices telling me that it isn’t really worth it. I survived nights of heavy breathing and I had faith to wake up in the time all what I really wanted is eternal sleeping.

The thing with being in that place when holding on to life is the biggest of all achievements is that people can’t understand you. No one would see how breathing, as simple as it sounds, could be a real challenge. They will start getting their magical solutions out of the clichés closet. Go out, get a new job, have a new hobby, shopping and the rest of the long list of what people believe are mood fixers.

But the thing is, it is not a mood. It is somewhere deep. Let me try to explain. I had a bad year; well I am having a bad year. And that was preceded by many bad years. A bad year was never a problem; a bad life is what every human should expect. No one said life is a piece of cake. Life is a tough journey up a very steep hill. But we keep going up for a reason. Every now and then we get things that motivate us to keep on the journey we discovered was lame when it was too late to go back.

But sometimes, for some people, and in this very case me. You get trapped in a place where there are no ways either up or down the hill. You can always try paving a new road, but you will eventually get to understand that regardless how hard you try and how successful you will get, the road you will pave won’t get you longer than two steps ahead. Then you will get back to the trap of nowhere to go. And in many cases after paving the road and walking the two steps you earned you find that they actually led you to where you started and the effort was actually a complete waste of time and energy. And that you will have to try again, and re-trust your now so un-trustable instincts and resources to pave a new road and risk ending up at the very same place again.

For some, this is the joy of life. Actually, even if there is no joy in it, it is how life goes. We don’t get to choose. But it is just exhausting and shopping, eating, new jobs and whatever the people tell you to do to get out of that corner won’t work. At a point all these fix tricks will be a burden too. People themselves will be a burden because you will have to wear a content face while they are around because without that face you will get the lectures, and sometimes the sympathy which both aren’t what you need. What you really need is your two steps up the hill. The two steps you deserve after working your best. Regardless that some people will keep telling you that you should try harder and whatever you are doing isn’t good enough because others are doing more. And because others are doing more and your best is never enough you end up in that place, trapped midway with no sign of direction. And there holding on to life is the best you can do. The greatest of all achievements after realizing that even holding onto life is a waste of energy and time.

So, I was talking with my favorite ex about my bad year. I didn’t tell him exactly that I am barely holding onto life and taking it one day at a time. But I told him that I want a little miracle to move me my two steps up the hill with no strings attached. And I told him about the things I’d rather be doing now. I’d rather be able to drive my car instead of my irrational fear of driving. I’d rather be dating a handsome man, someone who isn’t fat, bald and is sure intellectually interesting. I’d rather be in a relationship with a man who genuinely loves me instead of those who marginally loved me along other things.

I’d rather be entertained than being entertaining. I’d rather get back to finish my master’s degree and even I’d rather please my dad and get back to work.

But the question is will any of these make me happy. The real question should be, am I unhappy?

The answer is simple, regardless how unhappy my words are. I am a happy person. I am flexible enough to get satisfaction from little things. Let it be a smile from a stranger or a complement from an old friend. Little things make me happy. And because of the abundance of those little things I am a really happy person. And doing the things that I’d rather be doing won’t make me any happier. On the contrary many of them come with either guilt built-in or unbearable level of stress and complications. I am better off and happier without all the things I said I’d rather be doing.

Actually the reason behind thinking of these things I’d rather be doing was that I met someone new. He is completely different, maybe representing every opposite thing I stand for. Yet, we got along. One of the main reasons we got along easily is that our differences will never actually meet. The beauty of virtual relations is that everything is in hypothesis and for people who think arguments is a hobby hypothesis is really all what you need.

So my new virtual friend, and because he is completely not me, got me thinking about lots of things. One of these things was am I impressive? Actually it wasn’t completely him; it was a sequence of events that made me wonder whether or not I am impressive.

Let me confess something, I am not really a typical girl. I know that I look like millions of girls and I am sure millions might be smarter than me. But I am not typical. Things go in different paths in my mind and I know it. I just don’t confess it because people will think that I am either arrogant or stupid. But I believe that I am sort of untypical.

And being untypical should make me interesting. And interesting could easily lead to impressive. But I don’t seem to impress anyone. I don’t seem to be showing how untypical I am, and even the worse is that you might get the chance to deal 1^st hand with how untypical my mind can get and still that won’t interest you or in the least impress you.

I am sure that psychology has a term to describe a person who is self-centered and with huge ego issues. And that term will fit me best. But this is the way I am.

So back to being impressive, the things I told my ex that I’d rather be doing were the things I believe will make people see me more interesting. The fact that I don’t drive though having a car makes people see me as a coward, lazy and incapable person. Maybe if I was driving like everyone else I would have been more interesting.

Dating the intellectually interesting, un-fat, un-bald guy will make me more interesting too. And will make me impressive for many people. Actually getting a chance to date that guy means I am already interesting and impressive.

Work seems to be a huge issue for everyone. It is not important how I think, or what I believe. For people it is more important if I work for a multinational, international with whatever catchy name organization. Nothing else matters.

So according to the list of things I said I’d rather be doing to be interesting means I should be driving a nice car, I should have a job with a catchy name and I should be coupled up with someone who people will think is interesting and impressive too.

And then will come the question, does this make me impressive?

And the more important question why the Shimaa who is writing this isn’t interesting and impressive?

Why I should be doing things that I don’t really want to do, to get to people who won’t see whatever I am already doing?!

And then here we are back on the favorite square zero, all things said and all things done. My best is never enough, and I would have tried harder yet my hardest is never hard enough. I put myself out there knowing that there is no guarantee to have my two steps up the hill. But I try. And I proudly fail. And there is no shame in failure. And that’s why I try again and again but never with the same enthusiasm because a part of me is always lost in each trial.

There should be more to life than failing. There should be more to life than trying and falling back where you started. There should be magic. There should be rewards more than a stranger’s smile and a hidden complement. There should be more. Because if there isn’t more, I don’t know how long I can keep holding onto life. If there isn’t magic, it isn’t really worth living.

Today's Advice

There is a very thin line between not wanting to live and wanting to die. Whatever happens, don't cross that line.




Hold On! 

At Arm’s Length

Many years ago I had Brad on phone and Mohamed (the ex) called. I chose not to take that call and finish my call with Brad. Before that day Mohamed always had priority. Only family came before him. But that day I decided that Brad is more important.

I called him later and we had a fight over Brad. It wasn’t the first time. He fought about Brad since he knew about his presence in my life. He fought about every single male I had in my life. Friends, relatives, colleagues and potential dates. He was jealous. He said he loved me and he can’t see me with someone else. He wanted me to be his while he kept on with his plans to marry his cousin. The last thing he said in that call was when you need me you know how to find me. And we didn’t call ever again. Brad disappeared, then re-appeared and finally disappeared. I have been missing Mohamed ever since that day, needed just to hear his voice many times. But I didn’t call him.

I can tell you a long list of why I didn’t call him. All rational reasons but honestly the only reason I didn’t try to contact him is that I know him enough to know he won’t take me back easily. That he will make sure he punished me enough before taking me back. And again it will be his rules. I will have to be available as a full package and do with whatever he decides to give me. And I couldn’t do this to myself. I just couldn’t take the idea of being blamed for trying to do the same thing he did to me. I couldn’t take the idea that he has the right to have a wife while I am the one who has to compromise to be with the man she loves. If he loved me too he should have compromised for me. I felt I deserved that much. I felt I deserved to be the woman he introduces to everyone. Not the one with no right to call unless no one is around.

It took me years to get with Mohamed to that point. It took me years to be unable to play with his rules. Brad actually helped. He was the voice that told me how magnificent I was. I felt good and capable of breaking the link with Mohamed. It wasn’t as painful. I was angry. I was deeply angry and heartbroken and I had that nice guy telling me all the nice things. So I hung up the phone and I never called him back.

I didn’t try to hunt Brad when he disappeared for the 2^nd time. I don’t know if I ever loved Brad. I once told a friend that I loved him. But I am not sure. I am passing through a phase of being unable of deciding why I did certain things. I am not sure. And I can’t tell whether the things I have done were right or wrong and consequently I can’t tell now whether the things I am doing are right or wrong.

Then there was that guy. I can tell I loved him. And I played it cool. I waited and I waited. I gave all the hints. I made all the signs. Everyone noticed but him. I had two choices to walk away or to stay and wait for a little more. One night I wrote him a message “I love you” but instead of sending it I saved it to drafts. I wasn’t ready to deal with the aftermath so I waited.

 I waited till an incident happened and I got crazy. And to cut a long story short. I lost the guy. He is with someone else now. And I can’t walk away. He never knew I loved him. At least I never told him directly I did. I wasn’t ready to deal with the aftermath. So, I preferred to play with his rules. To be kept at his arm’s length. I preferred that he gets to enjoy the full package and I settle for whatever he has to offer. 

I wasn’t ready to lose him. I wasn’t ready to call him and say I love you I don’t want you to be with other women. I wasn’t ready to lose him. I am still not ready to lose him. I can’t live without him. I have tried to replace him with everything but nothing fits. A friend once told me that my love for the guy is more a companionship. Another friend told me that it is logical that I don’t like any of the men people try to set me up with because I already found the perfect company, that’s him.

 Maybe they are right. I told you before I am going through the “can’t tell” phase. So maybe it was just the joy of companionship. Maybe it is that he is the type of company I wanted for the journey I settled and didn’t check other options. Maybe the love was for the company not the person, I can’t really tell.

But what I can tell right now is that I am doing something that I would have told anyone is wrong to be done. I am comparing that guy with someone else unintentionally sometimes and intentionally in other times. I am taking decisions with the new guy based on how the reactions with that guy were. I know them better than thinking they both will give the same reactions. I am aware that I have been mixing and probably punishing each of them for the other’s mistakes. I know that I pulled away my hand once and didn’t touch one of them because the other hates to be touched. I know how different they are. 

But I know one thing. Both will never take the step to meet me half way. Or maybe I am wrong. I can’t tell. Maybe only one of them wasn’t able to do this. And that I should stop comparing because maybe the other one will meet me half way. Because I was able to tell that one that I love him and that I want a relationship not just whatever we have. Maybe, he will get past his many reasons (that I am sure all valid and rational) that make it more convenient for him to keep me at arm’s length. Maybe he will come around.

And if he didn’t … I don’t know but it is just unfair to be kept at arm’s length. But what if this is as good as it gets? The worse is what if they keep you at arm’s length because they know that this is as good as it gets. That you have never done better. That it is a long history of being kept at arm’s length. And it is ok to do so to you.

What if the idea of missing you is better than the idea of being with you? Isn’t it all about that? You stick to a person because you can’t lose them?

What if this is as good as it gets? The best you can have is to be at arm’s length from the person you love and want for life. Arm’s length is near enough but yet too far from where you want to be. Will you settle for the best you can have or try to find the best you think you deserve even if you can’t tell whether or not you deserve better than the best you have already earned?

Am I making any sense?

Where are we now?

There is a joke about a man who was asked about the secret of the success of his marriage. He replied that he made a deal with his wife. That major decisions are his job & she gets to do all the minor decisions and that was the last decision he made.

The joke might not be funny. It is sort of funny but I think it holds more philosophy than it was intended to do. Or maybe it is just my mood that makes me see philosophy in such a shallow joke.

What constitutes a major decision? We were all introduced to the “starbucks” decisions in the legendary movie “You have got mail”. It is a series of insignificant decisions that lead to a cup of coffee. A process that makes you feel accomplished but yet not life changing (threatening) in anyway.

So, if the type of coffee you drink to start your day isn’t a major decision what could a major decision be?

Education is a life changing decision which makes it “major”, so is career, marriage, having kids or finding a new place to live. Break ups & investments too. The first that comes to your mind when you think of a major decision is probably a crossroads where you have to decide a turn that will decide your destination. Minor decisions are supposed to be the ones we take down the chosen road just to get over obstacles to get to the destination.

Life changing crossroads is supposed to be clear. You are probably confused while deciding, else you wouldn’t have known that you are at a crossroads. Or even you wouldn’t have felt how “major” the decision is.

Between you & me I think “major” decisions are over rated. It is easy to take a major decision regardless how hard it seem to be. After all & out of being confused a person will do what they will over think all the options, will ask for opinions & will eventually take a calculated step into risk. Crossroads decision might feel hard but they are the clearest decisions you can make. You pick a road, that simple. You decide a destination that you know you want, regardless that knowing what you “really” want is a challenge & a major decision in itself.

You know what do I believe are “major” decisions? It is the decisions we take on the go. The ones we don’t think about. The ones that we think are taken to serve “major” decisions already made in previous crossroads.

Those “minor” decisions are taken without taking risk into account, like when you go order sushi & end up in ER. Your lunch of choice would lead to putting an end to your story. And such minor decision would consequently lead to more minor decisions that could be “Life changing”  in so many ways.

Every step of the way is a crossroads. Every step could change our lives. Even the steps we take thinking will lead to the destination we set at the beginning of the journey might turn to be taking us to somewhere we never knew existed.

Every step of the way is a life changing decision. Even your morning coffee. 

That Train!

A month ago I went to Assuit to attend my cousin’s wedding. Assuit is a beautiful city in Upper Egypt; it takes almost a 6 hours train trip to get there. The wedding was nice, I didn’t stay long enough to enjoy the city but what I have seen was enough to make me want to get back sometime.

And as all the good things in life, the nice trip to Assuit has to come to an end. When we arrived to the train station we found our train moving. It wasn’t supposed to depart until another 30 minutes, but people started saying that there was an unannounced change in the train schedule. And that was when my uncle, my dad and my brother started running to get aboard the moving train.

My brother jumped into the train, my uncle followed and my decision was “I am not going to jump in”. The train was accelerating; I didn’t find the circumstances suitable. But here came the father who started yelling at me to jump aboard. He actually kept running holding the train as if he would magically stop it while yelling at me to jump.
The image of my father ran over by the train was the only thing that made me take that step. He wasn’t going to jump in without me and he wanted to get into that train by any means. So, I jumped aboard an accelerating train. I took an unnecessary risk because my father wanted me to do.

I did the thing he believed is right, though I still believe that it is wrong. I did the thing he thought is for my benefit just because I was too scared he would kill himself trying to put me on that train.

Ironically after we jumped aboard the train stopped. It was a sort of silly joke.

But the point is my father didn’t want me to miss the train, as if that train is my only ride to paradise. In the time there was going to be no harm to leave me behind. I had enough money, I had my cell-phone and I wasn’t in a strange city. My aunt lives there, actually 15 minutes away from the station and another uncle was staying the night there and was heading back to Cairo next morning. There was no harm leaving me behind and the destination of that train wasn’t paradise.

Yet my dad, yelled at me to jump aboard an accelerating train. He made me take a risk that I wouldn’t take just because he believed my benefit is to be on that train.

I don’t know why this train incident would sum up how “parents” in this part of the world affect their children’s lives. That train represents the opportunity. My decision to pass and my dad’s decision to jump in represent the conflict of interest between the best our parents want for us and the best we believe in. I believe that missing that train would have been an exciting experience. I would have seen new things. I would have had a mini-adventure. The risk wasn’t high and I am not a school girl who won’t know how to get back home. Actually the risk of falling off the moving train was higher than the risks borne to staying the night in a strange city.

My point is, missing an opportunity might be an opportunity. It is not the end of the world. And no one should know what’s best for you but yourself. No one has the right to corner anyone into doing anything because they believe it is the right thing to be done. There is nothing “right” in this world. And if there is anything that has to be right, it will always be the things your parents taught you while not influenced by adrenaline!

Later, he admitted it was wrong to push me to jump aboard that train. It just seems that he was the one who couldn’t take the risk of leaving me behind. But this is the point. He spent all his life preparing me for the moment he will leave me behind. He spent all his life teaching me the risks of trying to catch a departing train. He was the one who taught me to see the opportunity in missing the train. He brought me up on appreciating what I have in hand. But in a glance, he lost faith in me.

A thing that makes me wonder if that faith was ever there. Or if love would make us unintentionally hurt our loved ones.

Or do we intentionally hurt them to push them to do what we believe is right?!

Current Thought – The Choice

A moral choice isn’t the choice between right and wrong. It is the choice between two wrongs. There is no moral in choosing between right and wrong as a person will always choose the right thing. The real choice is the choice between the different shades of wrongs. The real choice is to choose which wrong might be morally accepted.
The real question is why sometimes we just can’t find the right thing. Why sometimes we are only left with the wrongs to choose from.
If right isn’t an absolute value so why wrong can sometimes be absolute?

Image: Struggle good vs evil